No Mutants Allowed

[generalissimofurioso]

Well, the head slamming was basically like this.

Everyone was leaving the cafeteria after lunch and herding up the staircase that leads back into the main building.

Suddenly, someone throws a carton of Strawberry Milk and it explodes against the wall and splatters everyone except for me, mostly due to my being average height.

I start laughing because it was pretty funny.

Then the girl who was standing next to me just sort of slugged me in the jaw, like really hard.

I'd been beaten up before, but nobody ever hit me in the face like that, so I just sort of looked at her for a second with a blank stare.

Then my arm just shot out and pushed her head right into the wall.

She got this weird look on her face and just sort fell backwards into the crowd.

And that was the end of that chapter.

I don't know what it says about me that I didn't feel very bad about it. In fact, I'm kind of laughing about it right now.

Hee hee.
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[Pipboy2000]

Ahh the old days of the urine boner. [/nostalgia]

Gen, it's "hehe."
Period inside the quotations.
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[generalissimofurioso]

That's more of a short creepy giggle.

My giggles are the long creepy kind.
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[Jebus]

I never hit anyone, really. Well, once on accident - I was trying to puch him away.

As I mentioned before in this thread, I've done a few years of Jiu-Jistu. I don't remember much about it, but I do know how to react when someone takes a swing at you... My reaction when someone swings at me is usually to nearly break their wrist: it makes you look a hell of a lot better than if you had actually punced back (you're only defending yourself, after all), and it's way more embarassing for the puncher when you make him beg to let him go. Ah, the fun times that were had...

I only hurt a girl in anger once: my current girlfriend, when I pushed her down hard against the sink and she bruised her back.
Mind you, she had just hit me three times with a sauce pan, filled with peas. It was starting to hurt, and there were PEAS EVERYWHERE

[clercqer]

No one should be hit with a sauce pan filled with peace, that's just wrong.
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Yamu: "There's a gentle-but-implacable authority that stems from over-hyphenation which is too-often under-appreciated.

[Daimyo]

Peas .... Hungry now.

This thread is golden by the way.

Approved.
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--Daimyo of the Quintumvirate--

[Walpknut]

I got plenty of stories... but I am only gonna share one.

The Duchiest thing I ever did
This story might not seem that bad.
Context, last day of highschool or last week or something.
Tears, sadness and bathroom sex were in the air, everybody was saying their terfull goodbyes to each other. I was pretty happy that day, all and me hating most of my classmates and being bored of being in the same school all my life. Then a girl, a classmate comes up to me and tells me, very awkwardly, that she likes me. So I laughed and passed it off with a "cool" and then I went back to talk to my friends. But moments later the realization hits me, it was the last of highschool ever... Whoops. Never tried mending it. I was never gonna speak to most of my classmates afterwards anyway. And that's it. Let down story?
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[Kilus]

Cricket Nets

This happened in either grade 11 or 12.

So a cricket net is so people can practice bowling and batting in cricket. Like a Batting cage but one end is open so the bowler can get a run up. The cricket cages at my high school were wire with a steel framed cage and cement floor. So N and a few of his friends used them for soccer. I saw this came over and they let me join. And it was the most insane soccer game. Body checking into the wire, pushing people over and getting slammed with the ball because there was no reaction time. It was fun and lots of minor injuries.

So after about a week of playing this we were playing a particularly rough game. Like of smashing people into the wire. There was this fat kid. I may have picked on him a few years before this. But that was water under the bridge. Anyway since he was fat he was pretty good at smashing people into the wire. So he was going in to push me against the wire so I just charged him as hard as I could. He stumbled back one step then turned and fell over his feet. He fell hard against the cement on his ass but like leaning fully forward. So he snaps back fast and smashes his the back of his head against a steel pole and just starts screaming. And screaming. So a ambulance was called and he went in for scans but just ended up with just a sore head.
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[Little Robot]

Kilus, why did you bully every kid in your school?

[Pipboy2000]

He got bullied. The fat kid, N is him.
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[Kilus]

[Jebus]

I assume we'll be sleeping at my place again from now on?

Aaah, to be 17 and to have a hot girlfriend.
And to have that unending sexual appetite and stamina: whenever we spent the night together (which was, obviously, always way too few times in my book), we'd go at it for hours, until we collapsed from sexual exhaustion. Good times.

She'd always stay at my place, though, as I'd feel awkward whenever I was at her place. Her mother was a teacher of mine (teaching Dutch at my high school), you see, and talking to her when I was at her place was already awkward enough, let alone seeing her at the breakfast table...
One fine saturday, though, her parents were away the entire day (only to return late in the evening), and her brother had just bought the Blackadder DVD-set - so we spent the entire day watching those. By the time we'd gone through all of them (or her parents got home, I don't remember), it would've been silly to still go to my place to sleep: 't was already too late in the evening, and it would probably have been quite rude towards her parent to make it so blatantly obvious I didn't want to sleep there. So we 'retired' to her room, and spent the night there; after the obligatory few hours of wild humping.

Sunday morning, at the breakfast table, everything was just as awkward as I'd imagined it'd be. No-one really said anything, and anytime I tried to make conversation with a member of her family they'd give curt replies. So I sat though the breakfast either silent or conversing with my girlfriend, and left for soccer practice half an hour later.

That afternoon, I met up with my g/f again. When I broached the subject of her apparently morning-tempered family, she told me her father had, after I left, made it abundantly clear that the walls in her house were not as sound-proof as we imagined, and that none of them had had a decent night's sleep. And that if she wanted to have me sleeping over again, he'd prefer if we slept in the guest room, which was on the other side of the house.

I never slept over at her place again. Also, Dutch lessons were pretty awkward for me for the rest of the year.

[Pipboy2000]

That's 'cause here mom was dazzled by the sounds you evoked in her daughter.

Kilus, your head still hurts?
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[Kilus]

The Ant Nest

Grade one. Wow. That was 21 years ago. Fuck. Anyway school and me didn't really get along that first year. I wanted to play all the time and the teacher would want me to spell 'mother' or something so I would reply 'who cares' and get in trouble. I got into trouble everyday, especially when I played games like Spider in the Eye where I claimed one of my friends had a spider in their eye and I had to kill it by poking them in the eye. I mean it was Spider, a imaginary one, but still a Spider.

Anyway I quickly became friends with three other boys and we used to sit in the playground together. Lets see, N, C and W. So that was the highlight of my day, and funtimes were had.

Till one day, it seemed just like any other. We were sitting around in the playground talking when suddenly I felt this force just pull me. I looked up and all I could see was this hand dragging me across the playground by my hair. It was a mean third grade girl. Way bigger and stronger than me. Once we got to the huge huge ants nest(huge ants that had a huge nest) she shove my face into it and I was screaming. It was pretty horrible.

I had cuts and scraps all over. I'm sure Teachers and my parent asked about it but I gave some excuse. That girl then kept up bullying me and my friends for weeks. Not fun times. Really who has fun tormenting kids for no reason?

Anyway this was 1991. The Simpsons was huge and everyone loved it. Anyway in one of the first season episodes 'Bart the General' Bart is picked by a bully and ends up gathering a bunch of kids to help him fight the bully. It's also got alot of Patton(the movie) jokes.

Anyway if was good enough for Bart Simpson it was good enough for me. The four of us decided enough was like you know enough. So for morning tea(first break) each of us gathered as many kids as we could get. We found the girl and formed a circle around her. And that's when the division started.

C just wanted to show her people will stand up to her. W and N wanted to push her around and stuff. Me, I wanted to beat the shit out of her. Ant nest remember.

There were too many kids in the circle, she couldn't push her way out. Me, W and N started our attack. A few other kids join in. And with numbers really on our side she basically couldn't do anything, as there was always someone at her back attacking her. We would jump on her back and punch her and stuff.

But then some people in the crowd turned on us. Apparently they didn't want to be part of a beat down, this wasn't wjat we promised. They came and pushed us off. The circle was broken and two sides were formed. I still wanted to beat her up, after all she forced my face into a ants nest.

So a standoff happened. We braved the lines of the people protesting the beat down(which included C) a few of times, but they did a good job of stopping us. Break was then over and we told her this wasn't over. So in class and on the way to lunch I did everything to get more kids to turn up and fight.

So Lunch. We succeeded in getting more kids, even ones from grade 2. She had a few people standing with her but we ended up with 20-30 kids on our side. She was scared. And we still had kids turning up. Then something happened.

There was another girl from grade 3 that hanged around. But she was nice to people from grade one and everyone liked her. She was also in the same class as the mean one, and the mean one considered her a friend. So when she turned up and stood with us the mean girl just started crying. Hard. Unexpectedly we had delivered the cruellest blow of all, we exposed her behaviour and made someone she respected and consider a friend turn against her. There was no second fight. We had won.
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[Wry]

Hoo boy. I've been reading this for the better part of 2 hours now. I know, I lead such a productive life, especially on Sunday mornings.

I really ought to give something back, so here's an early cringe-worthy story:

She put it in where?

At the tender age of ... umm... between 7 and 10, I discovered my dad's porn stash. I found a couple of boxes stowed away full of VHS tapes and magazines. I pulled out a magazine, not knowing what it was at first, expecting it to be the Radio Times or something and, to my astonishment, it was full of nekkid ladies. You know I swiped it and perused it at my leisure with great curiosity.

The thing is, at that age, I understood the basics of copulation: penis enters vagina, nine months later you get a mewling cabbage. Thunk. I also knew that, because genitals were involved, it was not dinnertable conversation with the vicar material. Beyond that, I had literally no idea what sex was.

I remember it vividly. This happened in the very early 90s and the magazine was so quintessentially 70s... and hardcore. I know you're already picturing a young, innocent and tittilated child, but the cringeworthy aspect of this story is my confusion:

"She put that in her BUTT? That's not where it's supposed to go! Ewww, gross! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!"

I even theorised that the penises were fake because no one in their right mind would put a penis in their mouth. I also suspected that penises could never be that oversized: The dude in the magazine was black and I had never seen the erect member of a black man before, contrary to popular belief.

And that, mentlegen, is one of the many cringeworthy stories I have to offer.
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... But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

[zegh8578]

^
so european

reminded and inspired me to add an anecdotal cringe. i will follow protocol, so

The innocence of a child

My brother was 6-7, making me 10-11. We're in the entrance of our apartment, tying on or off shoes. My mother's in the bathroom. I have no major worries or concerns for that day.
Then, out of my brothers mouth, forms the question of "Mom? Did you ever suck dad's wee-wee?"
As most euros, we got most of the reproduction information quite early on, and we managed to find discarded porn here and there, to fill in the blanks. Obviously he had heard stuff, and now he wanted more of the open honesty that he had been spoiled with so far.
I, however, did not want to know. But before I could cease from existing, bury myself down, melt, or implode, I heard the answer through the bathroom door.
My careless brother was satisfied, ran outside to play, and probably just forgot about it.
Clearly, I did not.
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"That's your excuse for everything, isn't it - being dead."

[Crni Vuk]

sadly I don't have as exciting stories as most of you.

Just my parents strangling and beating each other. Or my sister molested by my grandfather. Just the usual stuff.

[mobucks]

I turned down my first blowjob when I was 12. Imagine me, the first time a girl has ever touched my penis, just through my pants mind you, and not a minute later she is asking to blow me. Right in front of my future girlfriend of 7 years. She had stroked me through my pants a minute before, and I'm not sure what came out, but it wasn't man gravy. All I know is I had soiled myself, and because I was too much of a fucking idiot to go upstairs and change my pants/undies, maybe freshen up a little, I pussed out like a little bitch and said no. She begged me. I was unmoved. What was I thinking?! FACEPALM BY SELF IN CAR!

Great thread.

Followup is I asked her for one the next day and she wasn't interested. We broke up like a day later. It was going to be 2 years before I got my first BJ (by a 19 year old haah)
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Soldats! Faites votre devoir! Droit au cœur mais épargnez le visage. Feu!

[Crni Vuk]

well usually most 12 year olds have more serious business then blowjobs. But thats just my opinion

[Kilus]

What if she said she had blue balls?
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