No Mutants Allowed

[Dead Guy]

Yes! It's time for a brand new Order LP, no doubt destined from the start to be abandoned like so many unwanted children on the doorsteps of the Order. Yet it shall be brought forth into these webs.

Enter the world of Ashan, where people are fucking racist, plain and simple. here are five factions in the game: Haven, Sanctuary, Stronghold, Inferno and Necropolis. So yeah, that means (I think) that factions have been cut from the previous games, like my favourites the warlocks presumably (Warren?). Cool. But as we know half the Order are cut, so we can relate!

Enough with the pleasantries, lets get this shit show on the road.

This is the opening screen. If you wait a while, a bunch of Griffins will fly past the dude in armour and fly around behind him to epic music. This game has a serious boner for griffins. Going by the fluff, you'd think griffins were the most badass motherfuckers around, but really they're pretty shit in most games.


Starting the campaign, then...










Torkel has awoken Ribban with his wailing and flailing:






So the dude with the bird mask offered his blood to demons, but suddenly his soul belonged to the demons and now he's their bitch, and still has to do all the work himself. You have to sympathize with the guy.

Anyway, Duke Pavel seems like a summabitch. I look forward to killing him soon!



Oooook? Duke... Slava?



Ohohoho! I like where THIS is going! Hello there hatoful advisor!



So we're playing Crni Vuk, the guy who uses "come now" in conversation. His Aunt is called Sveltana. Surely that's a spelling error? Nope.







More birds, there's still hope.

If you want to know what these guys sound like, watch this. Seriously. Do it. But don't watch too far now.
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Mice killed: 5

[Brother None]

So you play Duke Slava Vuk? Can't you play as the Hatoful One instead?

Good stuff. Will read!

[Madbringer]

I approve.

*patiently waits for more*
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Lahmende ahnung wird nackt.
Entblosste angst wird still.

[Dead Guy]

We're kicked out of the city we presumably rule as Duke, though the intro is really confusing on this point, to look for Demons in the countryside. So naturally our first quest is to destroy some packs of wolves.



The first pack is right here


We fight some wolves on the battlefield, commanding some spearmen and crossbowmen against the Timber Owls, err, I mean Wolves.


After killing off the wolves, we can reach a campfire, a treasure chest and a weaponsmith, which gives us a permanent boost to might (increases the damage our troops do in combat).


The treasure chests are a no brainer in the campaigns, especially in this tutorial where we can't even use our resources. Normally the rule is: Always take the exp. This goes double here, so we magically summon some grimoires to read.


Another pack of wolves to fight, this time with two direwolves thrown in.


They attack twice, so we prioritize killing them. In battle, the stacks take turns making moves, you can wait to act later in the turn, the hero can perform one action per turn including a physical attack or inspiring warcries etc. It's like chess and rock-paper-scissors combined, with fantasy.


The wolves are dealt with, Slava loses a spearman in battle, the one with cute buttcheeks. Slava is sad.
Turning back to the task at hand, Slava's quest has been updated, and he's now to meet the Priestess. I don't know who that is, but he's only got one way he can go.


I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK. I don't want to be a Duke Auntie!


Sveltana appears out of nowhere to talk about Torkel, turns out Slava is the mean Duke's son, I guess.


After the next bend in the road, Slava comes upon another army in his path. Note though that this army is Friendly. I think that means the troops will offer to join you.



I am correct, and we receive som Sisters in addition to more Spearmen and Crossbowmen. They seem to be pretty fragile in combat, but can heal twice during a battle, even ressurecting dead troops. Let's read a signpost!


I wonder who wrote this sign... Someone should tell the locals so they can take it down, it's pretty weird.

Time to examine our hero a bit. Slava found a four leaf clover earlier on, I forgot to say. It gives him +4 destiny, the luck of previous games. It's exactly the same, seems to me. Guess they changed it for intellectual property reasons or something. I decide to put all my troops in the back row, since the AI will go for my crossbowmen in every fight.



An army of Demons is up ahead, I ride to face it, since the threat indicator tells me it's a trivial encounter.



INTERMISSION!




The bird chirps something insolent in response. Oh I will chastise you so bad soon enough, Blueballsbeak.



Auntie? Seriously, Slava looks like he's approaching 40 or something. AWKWARD!

Not the face of youth:


Unsurprisingly, the battle goes our way. The sisters are kept out of harms way while healing the spearmen who take the brunt of the attack.






After the battle, Slevatna shows up again


What is she raving about? Who is she talking to?



Oh, the orcs. Yeah, hey, thanks for the help guys.









Right. Right? Of course it has.







Auntie is mad at Slava Vuk for thinking independently and seizing initiative.







Oh, come now! Hah hah hah! You just called me a prostitute, but that's fine!







I wonder if that bird's ever going to have anything of consequence to say, or if it's just in the game as eye candy.



Yes, of course. I'm sure this isn't leading up to any future sort of break between Svetty and Slava.
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Mice killed: 5

[Madbringer]

Keep 'em coming, looking good so far.
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Lahmende ahnung wird nackt.
Entblosste angst wird still.

[Yamu]

It seems like a lot of the RPs die around here from a perceived lack of interest... just for the record, DG, "lol." Keep up the good work, sir.
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[rcorporon]

This game wins the award for "Least Practical Armour ever crafted" easily. Christ... so many wings.
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[Kilus]

[Pipboy2000]

Awesome. I love Might and Magic. I loled.
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[Dead Guy]

Thanks for the lols, guys. I'm not going to pretend they don't help to motivate me to keep doing this.

[Pipboy2000]

They zoomed way out on the battle screen too.

Destiny!
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[Brother None]

Blueballs the Hatoful Boyfriend

[Dirk Magirk]

Carry on DG, I am enjoying this thread.
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Bridgekeepers robes and a .223 Pistol, an unstoppable combination.
Warlocks killed: 7

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

Ayn Rand can fuck right off.


Unrelated:
Awesome Tuesday Triumvirate Member.

[Dead Guy]

Kraal, my scouts have sighted a Succubus near the mines.

Succubus! Ah... Human who gave soul to Urgash, like Torghul... Kill her.

Wait, Kraal. I don't want to lose troops for no reason. Let's at least draw up a battle plan.

Ah, okay. Grab weapons, then attack. See? Good plan!



We capture the town in another battle against demons. Since this is the tutorial, all we can build is a barracks to recruit some spearmen, or sentinels. Their background story is stupid beyond belief. Their special ability is that stacks next to them take half damage, but 25% of the total damage is received by the sentinel instead. This would be great if we were not facing cerberus who attack everything in an arc in front of them.



Heading south, we come upon an artifact guarded by some cerberus. Let's hope they haven't got reaper technology.



Winning this battle earns Slava his first level, making his troops better and also lets us pick a new ability to use in battle. The cloak we find gives us +2 magic defense. Guessing it makes our troops more resilient against spells cast by other heroes.



There's a fork in the road, and we decide to head west to visit an armorsmith along the road. The building to the right there is a stables, which increases a hero's movement for the rest of the week. Slava doesn't bother with it now, because it's day 6.



Further to the west we come upon another sign. For some reason the sign's inscription describes the sign and it's surroundings.



Old bridge. Old spirits. What's over there?

A mausoleum. We used to bury our ancestors in the mountain where the griffins nest.

Nnn. Why "used to bury"? Why not now?

Hah! We've become more farmers than hunters... The lands beyond the bridge are moutnainous and harsh. Besides, we converted to Elrath, the Dragon of Light. Since then we bury our dukes in the Hall of Heroes, in the heart of the Holy Empire.

Griffin people changed their god?

Yes. Back then we worshiped Ylath, the Dragon of Air.

Dragon of Air or Dragon of Light... Wind or sun, both dragons are faces of Father Sky. Maybe Griffin people not so different from Orcs. Heh Heh Heh, what a story Kraal.

Don't let my aunt hear that.

After the history lesson and anti racism hamfisting we come upon a friendly pack of orc Maulers. I guess this is how the game let's Kraal ally with us and supply troops.



We've got a new mission now, to capture 4 mines in the valley and defeat an infernal hero in battle.



More derp:
Kraal! Tel your orcs to keep their positions. If we're attacked, we'll never have time to form up!

My orcs!?! Kraal doesn't own Orcs - Orcs are not slaves.

You know what I mean. In time of war you need discipline!

Stop whining! You kids are soft. Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now! You belong to me!

Huh. What does little babyteeth know about war? Only courage is important. Lines, order, formations... Not Orc way.

Just make sure they're ready if we're attacked.

Ready? Orcs born ready to fight demons!

The dialogue. So original!

Glad we got that pointless back'n'forth over with. Grabbing the stables and the rally flag again, as well as hiring some more sentinels before heading to the gold mine guarded by maniacs.



The stack contains demented, which lowers the damage of the stack they hit, and increases their own for one turn. I focus on the demented first, leaving the normal maniacs. The orcs kick serious ass compared to the sentinels. I bunch my troops up around my crowwbowmen and sisters after the first engagement, to allow the sentinels to take some of the damage and lower the total amount taken, while the sisters revive dead orcs.



These are orcs, child!

Oh hi Bluebeak!

Yes, she said "never trust an Orc." But I can't lead AND watch my back. I need something to improve the troops' morale.

This train of thought seems strangely constructed to me. Where's the cause and effect in Slavas reasoning?

Your father used to sing a song in battle.

Music? A song? Hmmm... maybe.



Alright, find a horn to improve the morale. Time to go south and find that Succubus. We get some more friendly orcs on the way, further bolstering our OP army.



I still haven't figured out what determines how my troops are deployed, and there's no way to decide that once battle starts, so I try putting the sisters and crossbows behind the orcs and sentinels.



We get a glimpse of the Succubus Daeva down south, guarding another artifact.



I head over to the east crystal pit first and kill some Tormentors. They attack everything around them and our creatures don't get to retaliate. Once again making the sentinels special ability rather worthless. I have no idea what that penis shaped rock is doing there, by the way.



The sisters make a destiny attack on the tormentors. I still have no idea what this entails. It's the thing with the upside down horse shoe. Maybe the retaliation will score lowest possible damage? I guess I'll have to read up on this, or just ignore it since it's random anyway. The animations are pretty silly, this is one of the better ones. Shit moves right through other piles of shit etc, you know the drill.



Here we manage to use the sentinels to protect the sisters. Fantastic!



We then finish off the maniacs, and head down towards the obelisk on the map.



During the enemy turn, the inferno hero decides to attack us.



Are you Toghrul?

Do I look like an Orc? Honestly, young man.

Slava passes on a great opportunity for some smack talk.
Where is Toghrul hiding? Where did he take Ulah?

Who the fuck is Ulah? What is this, War of the Worlds?

Please. Are you telling me your scouts can't track a Demon army?

Daeva decides to badmouth herself instead.

Let Kraal question demon. Kraal knows how to get answers.

I will not become a demon in order to defeat them! And the only answer you'll get from a succubus is a web of convincing lies.

Heh heh heh, what a story Slava. You think with heart, then pretend to think with head. Yeah, Griffin not so different from Orc.

So Kraal, how's your sex life?

It boils down to combat of course, we're facing a mix of maniacs, cerberus, demented, succubi and 2 of some new hellspawn we haven't encountered previously. It's some kind of charging thing that can damage many stacks. It never gets the chance. It's kind of image heavy to describe these fights so I'll skip this one. Sadly though, we lose all of the sisters in this battle, but little else.



Toghrul brought Elder Ulah here for a reason. If we can figure out why, we could gues where he is. Kraal? Why would a vengeful orc need a Shaman?

Makes no sense. Toghrul demon now, not Orc. Cannot call on ancestors. Ancestors are enraged with Toghrul.

You don't know how right you are Toghrul. None of this makes any kind of sense.

Could he force Ulah to torment my ancestors?

Nnn! If Toghrul angers spirits of Griffin, Slava and Slava's children will be weakened.

Oh man...

That must be it... He's going to our family's mausoleum, but no one's been buried there for ages.

Mystary!

We get another quest, defeat Toghrul and convert the Mausoleum to a Haven town. Well, that'll be a cozy place to call home. No matter, no one's been buried there in ages! I'm sure this has nothing at all to do with green-eyed Svetty the necromancer (I think this was eluded to somewhere, but I've tried and failed to find where). Who is totally NOT a vampire! BLEEEIIIIGH!

We capture the last mine, and an opening to the subterranean level opens up.


_________________

Mice killed: 5

[Kilus]

Wait, do you suffer a morale loss for having Orcs in your army?
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[Dead Guy]

[Brother None]

[Yamu]

Oh... my. You're a brave man, DG. This writing needs to be mocked, but somebody's got to play it in order to mock it, and I'm not sure I've got the stones.
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[clercqer]

This LP is promising. Keep it up please!
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Yamu: "There's a gentle-but-implacable authority that stems from over-hyphenation which is too-often under-appreciated.

[Pipboy2000]

Awesome posts, Dead Guy. Herpes of Might and Magically Reappearing.
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