No Mutants Allowed

[Wry]

The Donkey Porn Incident

Perhaps a year or two ago, I was idly hanging out on IRC with some real life chums. We have one of those channels where we generally talk rubbish to get each other through the working day.

As is oft the case, the conversation turned to ... unconventional porn, specifically donkey porn. Now, one of our friends, let's call him L, is slightly squeakier clean and sheltered in comparison to the rest of us. L insisted that there couldn't possibly such a thing as donkey porn. Preposterous! Disgusting! What woman would allow any equine animal to mount her? He maintained that it would be physically impossible and who would watch such a thing anyway?

So we showed him through the medium of animated gifs that it was indeed physically possible and, presumably, people do indeed watch it.

L opened up the gifs in the middle of a crowded office.

He almost got fired. We're such awesome friends.
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... But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

[Arr0nax]

So L is arguing that donkey porn doesn't exist on IRC, and when offered a link to a gif proving its existence, still sitting in the middle of a crowded office, decide it's a good idea to open it ?

Other than him being brain damaged, what's your take on how he could have pictured it was a wise course of action ?
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Opokonverob Project (A RPG like in the good old days)
http://opokonverob.wordpress.com/

[zegh8578]

^
people like that exist, you'd be surprised.

have you ever wondered "who the hell would open girl-for-you!-type popups, or any popup?"
ive seen it happen.
an old classmate, even while exclaiming "wow! for me!?" *click!*

obviously, those computers were swamped in spyware...
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"That's your excuse for everything, isn't it - being dead."

[Wry]

[mobucks]

The Baby In The Street

So, im driving through the parking lot of a large strip mall, when I see on my left a woman in a most miserable situation. She was piling into her minivan her 5 children, or, trying to. One kid is running around the van in circles, one is crying over dropped ice cream, one is jumping out of the van as soon as he gets in. The poor woman. I could not fault her for not noticing her toddler is making its way towards my *now stopped* car.

Her van is in the empty parking area, maybe 10 slots from my car, which is idling in the parking lot roadway (where the cars drive along the front of the stripmall) I figured, fuck, I dont know what I was thinking actually, but for some reason, I did not beep my horn to draw her attention to the baby in the street, or call out to her, or get out of my car and remove her baby from harms way. I just sat there, silent, perhaps somewhat bewildered at the whole folly of her situation. I think i was waiting for her to finally look around for her baby, at which point I would show her the babe was making it's way perilously to the roadway where my car was. Queue New Jersey Asshole Driver, who comes on the scene barreling around the corner breaking all parking lot speed laws, wildly swerving around my car, never seeing the baby it missed by mere feet. I cringe thinking about it, because I had an active hand in making that car swerve closer to the endangered tot, since I was stopped. My car probably blocked the guys view of baby as well. Scary what could have happened had the fates not aligned well for us that day.
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Soldats! Faites votre devoir! Droit au cœur mais épargnez le visage. Feu!

[Little Robot]

The woman probably paid 300k to raise, feed, and clothe that child. The humane thing to do would have been to shoot it in the back yard.

[Wry]

Bacardi is Bad

I was about fifteen or sixteen and still living with my mom and older brother. My mom has always been very liberal and understanding of the awful habits I acquired at a young age, like getting fucked up in pretty much every sense. Hell, I'd even smoked a bowl or two with her as a teen. At that age, our house was the place to be if you wanted to get hammered because she was so lax. Needless to say, we had some killer parties and smoking sessions without having to be on the streets.

One summer's night I was really knocking them back with my brother and a bunch of friends in our garden. All I drank was neat Bacardi that night and probably got close to finishing off the bottle with a little help. If the things I said weren't cringeworthy enough, things were about to get infinitely worse. I suddenly realised that I had waaaaaay too much to drink already so I excused myself, stumbling my way back to the house, hanging on every wall as I went and laughing hysterically.

I went upstairs, got into my football shirt and into bed. You know when you're so drunk that the room spins quite violently? Yeah. I really had to puke. I somehow managed to get downstairs without breaking my neck and made a zigzag dash across the lounge towards the kitchen with the bathroom a little further on.

I didn't make it to the bathroom. I didn't even make it to the kitchen. The second I reached the door I exploded Bacardi motherfucking everywhere. I'm not joking, the kitchen floor was completely covered with my transparent puke. Only, when you're that drunk, you can't see transparent puke on linoleum. For some reason I carried on to my destination, and, on my way back through the kitchen, slipped up in my own puke square on my back and slid towards the back door in this peverse deluge of bacardi vomit like a kid on a slip n slide. I don't wear underwear to bed. My brother and all of our friends walked in with comedy timing to see me with my knees pretty close to my ears. The looks on their faces was priceless. They helped me back to bed and cleaned up the puke before they left and didn't give me too much hell for it the next day. Stellar lads, I tell you.

I don't drink Bacardi anymore.
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... But I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

[mobucks]

I had a similar experience with bacardi except I was 14 on the streets of London. The entire throwing up part took place in a McDonalds. Comedy gold I tell you, I got up from the table we were sitting at and in the same motion fell flat on my face. Proceeded to throw up all over the establishment as I made my way to the ladies room to finish up. The brits, god bless them, did not get too irate. Par for the course I think in the town I was in.
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Soldats! Faites votre devoir! Droit au cœur mais épargnez le visage. Feu!

[Dead Guy]

Stupid Brits. The humane thing would've been to take it out back and shoot it.
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Mice killed: 5

[zegh8578]

The picky budgie

When I was little we had budgerigars. Not several at once, but one at the time. Three in all. In the end we stopped getting new ones, both because it was sad to see them die too soon (they can be quite fragile to norwegian temperatures... ), but also because we learned more about their "true nature", and feeling it unfair to have a little highly-social creature locked in a cage.

The last one of these was a little blue one, and I was always the one spending the most time with them, including this one.

My mother had planted little tomatoes in our small veranda, and I would always find it fun to treat the bird to new and exciting snacks. I picked a little tomato (quite small, like grapes), and bit it in half. Budgies are spoiled - they can bite through your skin, but they can't be bothered to bite through the paper-thin skin of a fruit.

I chewed up one half, and offered the other to the bird. I do remember feeling dissapointed at the tastelessness of the tomato. My mother bragged about how sweet they were, but this one only tasted water.
It stared at the half-tomato, and I could see its little pupil shrink and grow, as it was focusing on my offer.
"Come on! It's yummy!" I said, and waved the tomato closer to it, touching its beak.
It took a few steps back.
"What the... come on you stupid bird! It's good!" I said. The bird refused to taste. I didn't get it, plump and juicy fruits are always irresistible to budgies.

I looked at the half-tomato, into it, and saw that it was filled to the bite-edge, with squirming black maggots.
Budgie didn't want squirming black maggots.
I ran off to flush my mouth, but of course, to little avail.
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"That's your excuse for everything, isn't it - being dead."

[clercqer]

Now there is a good snack: healthy proteïn, antioxidants and vitamin C all wrapped in one, easy-to-pop-into-your-mouth package.

Also, who'd have thought that worms taste "watery".
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Yamu: "There's a gentle-but-implacable authority that stems from over-hyphenation which is too-often under-appreciated.

[zegh8578]

[Kilus]

The New Kid.

So it was grade 5. I had a pretty good run during the first 4 grades. Always had at least one kid from my street in my class and generally stayed with the same group of friends. But this year was different. I only had one sort of friend in class and the rest weren't part of my social circle. And it was a combined class so there were a few kids from a higher grade. So wow, this year could have been hard.

But starting that year was a new kid in our school AB. On like the third day I had to sit next to him. And like he had glasses and was a dork. And I thought he was weird. And he was having trouble fitting in. So when he annoyed me I teased him. And like this gave me the confidence to make new friends.

Happy days. For me. I had friends and was having a great time. AB wasn't having a good time. He had no friends and stuff. I made a few snide comments about him and so did a few others. I wasn't even the worse at the start.

But like, as you may know, I like to push boundaries. A comment every few days becomes a comment every other day which becomes everyday and then finally a few times a day. At least everyday I would really upset him and I would encourage others to tease him. It was great fun and sport to bully him.

So a couple of months of this and for one class we headed to the playground. I guess his mum complained to the school that he was like not having a great time. So the response to that was to have us kids hang out instead of class. And so he got up and made a speech about how he had heaps of friends at his old school and he had none here and if we got to know him we would be friends or something.

We also had this ball game. I forget everything about be it was all the rage that year. I think it was played with a tennis ball. Anyway at his old school they had a game of the same name but had different rules. So he taught us the new rules and we played for the rest of class. So like from morning tea to lunch was this big huge mega break of no class. Awesome. It was a pretty nice idea, good execution. They had done similar things before like for the girl with down syndrome, which I would just like to note that I never bullied her. But hey, I’m not that easily won over.

I teased him more, made sure he made no friends and started rumours about him. When we were doing science on sound in different mediums with two big rocks, I said I would test it in the air, test it underwater and then test it by whacking his head with the rocks. For science. And it was only a joke. I’m not physically violent by nature. Anyway he cried which made me tease him more.

We had this awesome gold rush game. It was a class game and we all had a claim. Everyday we got some ‘money’ for our claim and had to pay for stuff like gold licences and gear and stuff. Alliances were allowed, which let people pool money to buy shops and crap. It was so much fun. It was also there I learnt a little about honesty. The teacher incorrectly gave me too much money, I told her and I got more money as a reward. Anyway I always remembered to take every opportunity to ostracised AB. If I was having fun then I made sure he wasn’t.

Overall the teacher was pretty good and the grade was full of fun stuff, made lots of friends, got into a fight with like 10 people at once and like you know. A most excellent year for me. For AB however I made it hell and I didn’t get in trouble once and it wasn’t for years till I felt the tiniest bit of guilt.
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[person]

[zegh8578]

[Kilus]

The New New Kid

So it was grade 11 and I swear I had given up on my bullying ways.

Then part way through the year something happened. A kid transferred in and was in some of my classes. AW. It turns out AB's mum had married or remarried. So I talked to him a bit and asked if he remember me. He claimed that I caused him 3 nervous breakdowns over grade 5. Oops.

So I tried, I really did. But old habits die hard. I just had to make a comment or two. And he reacted. I mean really. Come on. Here is a hint, if you don't see your bully for 5-6 years and they do a few little things don't react. They are testing the waters. It been a long time, people change, sometimes victims don't stay victims.

So little things, like making caricatures of him in Microsoft Word and showing everyone in the class. Every week. Then when The Mummy Returns appeared in Cinemas he tried to open up a dialogue by saying he thought he was a good movie and asked if I had seen it. I though him The Mummy sucks and he must have been a retard to see and like the sequel. To be fair I saw The Mummy Returns years later and my opinion was correct.

So being High School I wasn't able to stop him from making friends, he found a couple of fellow outcasts to hang out with. But they were the bottom run of the the school. So I teased him in all grade 11 and into grade 12.

One day I was walking home and he just happened to walk out at the same time. This was literally the first time I had seen him outside school ever. He had two female friends with him and today I was alone. I sensed I was at a disadvantage. I generally didn't tease girls ever. Cross gender bullying is tough because of the differences between genders. And the school really cracks down on it. And I was outnumbered. So Bullying was out of the question today.

So I just walked behind them. Quietly. Tomorrow had much better opportunities to bully. And since for once in his life he had socially outnumbered me he was embolden. He started making comments about me and got the girls to join in. Interesting. I kept silent and followed them. He attacks increased in frequency and venom. The three of them came up with some stupid insult for me and the girls encouraged him to hit me. A punch I saw coming a mile off and I ducked so he hit my forehead. No damage either way but his confidence was through the roof.

The next day in class he called me that stupid name with two of his other friends in that class. Interesting. I walked over in after 10 minutes and called him a sheep fucker. He stood up, apparently he wasn't going to take that any more. He said "Remember what happened yesterday?". I informed him that yesterday was a game I was playing with him to see what he would do. I planned everything since I started following him the day before. I built him up to cut him down. Yesterday he thought he had beaten the bully that had tormented him for years, that day I informed him it was just a fantasy. I wasn't going to stop and furthermost since he hit me I told him if ever went to a teacher I would just claim he was the bully, lots of people saw him hit me(bully tip, never hit anyone). He looked more hurt than ever.

And that was my cruellest act I have ever done. I was so smug about my manipulation that I didn't even feel bad.

Then a few months later in our REST(class time set aside for fun or non marked skills) or whatever class we were playing soccer for that term. In my class there was only one other person who played soccer in any form during high school. So I was so like way better than pretty much everyone else. I played defence and would just shut out the other team, shot at goals from halfway, ran the ball up the entire field. Once my team had a goal I would just waste time by booting to ball out, sometimes onto the road and even over my own goal.

Anyway AW was in this class. Someone kicked the ball deep down my half. AW ran for it. And like, you know fair challenge, I shoulder barged him. He got slammed. And he rolled and rolled. I got the ball. Slowly tap it out and went back to AW and circled him. So I had my new game. I would spend the whole class setting up situations where I could just knock people over. Open goal? No thanks I'll kick the ball to the side and push over whoever runs for it. Especially if it was AW. I would even pass the way to the other team just to push them over, then pass the ball to them again. Eventually AW and his friends just gave up and sat to the side. Which was nice, but I was fairly accurate at kicking a soccerball into people's heads.

Anyway High school ended one day. I never got into trouble for bullying. Never punished at all. A couple of years afterwards I saw AW. Can't remember where. I gave him a not really sincere apology, he accepted it and even accepted some of the blame. What? Really it was 100% my fault. The bully is always at fault. If it was some attempt at guilt it didn't work because it made me feel better. I mean, my bullying ways, I regret them but don’t feel particularly bad about them.
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[Little Robot]

Holy crap, Kilus, you are a monster.

[TorontRayne]

I have a story about my senior year. It's called....


Almost got puke inside my mouth

I always had parties during the summer. Almost every day I would throw an awesome party, get smashed, and get lots of sex (from decent lookiing chicks I might add). I thought I was invincible. Nothing bad could happen. Then it hit me.

It was just another Friday night party. Not too many people were over, but there was enough to call it a party. My Dad always threw parties for those that were old enough. He was basically "The Man" because he would pretty much help you with anything. Except on this particular night he screwed me over bigtime. There was this one red head chick who always liked me. She used to have cancer and her hair fell out from all the treatment, but she finally recovered after awhile, and she was all better again. Now she liked to get messed up all the time. I assume because she thought she was going to die , and she wanted to do anything she could to have fun. ANYWAY...

She got drunk, I got drunk, we ended up in bed together. My Dad talked me into it - being the parental role model that he is. It was dark and we were making out when she started to act weird. She opened her mouth super wide, and I couldn't tell what was going on, but I felt her whole body convulse. I jumped up and flipped on the light , right when she started spewing puke all over me and the bed. I was soooooo close to getting puke in my mouth. I yelled out " DAADDDDDDDD. You mother f*%$@#!!!!"

When we cleaned everything up, put her down to bed, and continued drinking, I though it would end there. It didn't. About 20 minutes later I walk back upstairs to check up on her and some guy is trying to have sex with her. He's about 5 times her size and it looked to be difficult. My Dad pulled the guy out and told him to get the fuck out of the house, so he ran like a bitch. Later on that night I ended up sleeping with the girl. The girl had her friend call the next day to ask if I used a condom. I said no.


The End.

Might not be the funniest story, but it's something........
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[Kilus]

Was she awake?
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[TorontRayne]