No Mutants Allowed

[alec]

Who the fuck is Gus? No, seriously: who is Gus really? Is he just some natural, muscled, handsome Norwegian surf god whose real name is Gustav or is there more to the guy who joined NMA on June 16th 2003? Why is he always gone, on vacation or whatever? What makes him tick? Does he like pretzels?
I, good ol’ wishy-washy alec, journalist for the Department of Justice in Brussels (Belgium) was so intrigued by this thick cloud of questions and puzzles that hung over Gus, that in the Winter of 2006 I took the liberty to investigate his curious case in the hope to unveil the truth behind this Orderite for once and for all.
After 6 months of hard work, during which I also had to cope with a severe depression and two women, I stand before you all to unmask the “student” who captured a piece of all our hearts.

I did not have to go through great lengths to track our Orderite down. I simply went to Oslo and asked around. The second person I asked (an old and rather ugly-looking women) told me that if I meant the famous singer-songwriter Gus, the only thing I needed to do was buy one of his records and call his record company. Gus a singer-songwriter? Our Gus? Could it be? I immediately walked into the nearest mall and looked for a record shop. “Do you have anything by Gus?” I asked. The guy behind the counter laughed. “Gus? Sure, we have Gus. Just check that budget bin over there. I’m sure there’s some Gus in there.”

Apparently our Gus, whom is also known as Gustav, released his debut album in 1999. The album was called Sphincter Boy and sold more than 200,000 copies in Norway alone.

The hit single “I Wanna Be Your Sphincter Boy” terrorized Norwegian discotheques and pubs for months. With lyrics à la “shoot your cum in my mouth, you big fat bear, I wanna taste it, taste it, taste it” and “teabag me, teabag you, that’s the shit we homos do”, Gus could count on a very large yet predominantly gay fandom. His bold statements in various interviews (“I’m a bisexual without any heterosexual experiences, if you know what I mean”) made sure that, in no time, Gus became the living icon of the modern gay pop scene.

His second album hit the shelves in January 2001.

It was called Tweak My Nipple and was basically another collection of instant hits and catchy tunes. Nothing terribly new, although the ballad “Facefart” and the electro-pop of the song “I Like The Taste Of Your Piss In The Morning” do show Gus experimenting with new genres and instruments, as well as with new sexual practices.

Lots of fans say that it was his third album that ruined everything for him. Disgustin’ was released in early May 2004, but what should have been his best work ever, became his worst.

Fans hated the fact that Gus had stopped writing about his homo-erotic experiences and thought the lyrical qualities of the new songs to be mediocre at best. While “The Way To The A”, the opener of the album, might still be a song about anal sex, the lyrics make it painfully obvious that Gus isn’t singing about male sex, but about fucking a cheap female hooker up the cornhole and ejaculating on her herpes infested mouth. Only the song “Shemale Chique” mentions “the power of the penis”, but it does so very briefly and is not able to convince the mainly gay fandom. A lot of fans also took offence at the verbal explicitness of most lyrics. “I wanna shit in your face and let your dad lick it off” and “I was bored so I sneaked into your bathroom/And I went through your garbage and stole a dirty tamp” sure isn’t Shakespeare. “The man is turning into a complete weirdo,” one of his fans stated. “What is his next album going to be about? Child molesting?”
After the commercial, artistic and financial blunder that Disgustin’ was, Gus thought it wise to stop with music for a while. In December 2004, he and his friend moved to California “to get away from it all”, but instead of finding peace and happiness, the couple found agony, boredom and solitude. And alcohol. And crack. Gus’ friend, the Belgian Jebus, became addicted to both and tried to kill himself by cutting his wrists with Gus’ platinum edition of Sphincter Boy, his debut album. Luckily the album broke.
In March 2005, the famous couple was frequently spotted attending gay crack orgies in the company of Max Wright (famous from the sitcom Alf). Gus was also considering a sex change at that time. He told the press that he really wanted to become a shemale: “I wanna keep my cock, because I like to fuck young boys, but I do wanna add some titties. Jebus loves the idea.”
Jebus left Gus two months later. Gus’ record company told the press that Gus was going through a really hard period. In reality, though, he was trying to earn his money via prostitution.

In December 2005 Gus finally warned the press that he was coming back. “The new album will be an account of all my suffering,” he told the guys at Melody Maker. “It will explore my deepest secrets and thoughts and fears. It’ll be brilliant.”

I Want To Eat Your Arse Out, Gus’ fourth album, got released earlier this week.

Is it brilliant? No, not by a long shot, but it is different, that’s for sure, and it is definitely something special. The first song, “You Have No Idea What I’ve Been Through”, immediately sets the tone for the whole album: Gus has gone deep. He has seen and experienced things that normal humans don’t usually see or experience. “I’ve slept with lackeys and I’ve slept with kings/Drinking their cum was my favourite thing” or “I was lying in a pile of shit/There were cockroaches and vomit/And I couldn’t feel my dick” are just two examples of how deep these lyrics dare to go. No sentimental sphincter loving, no muscled and tanned Mexican ladyboy in Gus’ bed tonight, but “a fat, old man who will suck me dry and spit my goo in his momma’s eyes” or even “a cow, a dog, a sheep, a cat/please give me something that I can fuck.”

It is too soon to tell whether I Want To Eat Your Arse Out will be the ticket to eternal stardom that Gus is hoping for. It is, however, an interesting album with a couple of songs that might just become gay classics. We give it a well-deserved 6/10. Now let’s hear those lovefarts, boys!
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[Mikey]

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[SuAside]

let me tell you how seriously disGUSted i was when i read the “shoot your cum in my mouth, you big fat bear, I wanna taste it, taste it, taste it”-part while licking an icecream cone.
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Per is the bestest lizard. And Wooz makes the bestest hogs.

[Gus]

tl;dr


EDIT:

disGUStin' is way underated, and definately one of my second best albums.
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[victor]

Bwahaha! Didn't read all of it, who's next?
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[Malky]

Hilarious. I applaud you, good sir.
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[Elissar]

wow.. just.. wow. that was absolutely disgusting and hilarious.
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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

[DammitBoy]

alec is to the Order what trolly is to asshelmets...

Kudos alec, great shtick!
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"I shoot my gun at the moon like a primitive hick!" ~ dammitism

[alec]

[Mikey]

I actually find it hard to work out which are male and female in that pic. Although Jeebs looks like Frodo Baggins.
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[alec]

[Lukus]

Hit her how? Tittyfuck her manboobs (since she's a guy)?

Truly amazing research and article! I never knew there was that much depth in him, if you know what I mean.
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[victor]

Hahahahahahaha! I'd so do the Commissar chick in that pic. Why is Clerqueer in it though? Oh wait. Anyway, androgynous!

Comedy gold, alec, comedy gold!

[SuAside]

[clercqer]

Hehehe, cool stuff that first one.

Also: I'm so the best (and most masculine) looking guy in that pic. By far.

Edit: Has someone put this on the website yet?
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Yamu: "There's a gentle-but-implacable authority that stems from over-hyphenation which is too-often under-appreciated.

[Brother None]

Nope. Alec is not an Orderite and according to Ratty's system of Faciscm®, non-Ordites don't get no fan-fic sections.

[alec]

[Mikey]

Actually, yeah. Orderitisation plz.
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[alec]

[victor]