Post your best joke!

Discussion in 'General Discussion Forum' started by brandonhart61, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. brandonhart61

    brandonhart61 It Wandered In From the Wastes

    Dec 24, 2011
    POst you best joke!
     
  2. Sub-Human

    Sub-Human -

    May 31, 2011
    My best joke is:

    There once was a young girl. She said 'I wish I had a birthday every day'! So in two months she became old and died.
     
  3. TorontRayne

    TorontRayne Misanthropic God of Fuck Moderator Orderite

    Apr 1, 2005
    Made me laugh! :rofl:
     
  4. shihonage

    shihonage Made in USSR

    May 8, 2007
    Made me cackle too.

    @OP: not to be rude, but who's going to read a joke that long?
     
  5. Sub-Human

    Sub-Human -

    May 31, 2011
    Heh, that was like the best joke back when I was a kid... :)
     
  6. TorontRayne

    TorontRayne Misanthropic God of Fuck Moderator Orderite

    Apr 1, 2005
    That one cracked me up too. :lol:
     
  7. Courier

    Courier Half-way Through My Half-life
    Orderite

    Apr 10, 2011
    A little boy and a child molester walk into a forest. They're walking deeper and deeper into the forest and it's getting darker and creepier. Suddenly the little boy looks up at the child molester and says, "Gee mister, I'm getting kind of scared."

    The child molester looks back at him and says, "You're scared? How do you think I feel? I've got to walk out of here alone!"
     
  8. Ohaimerk

    Ohaimerk modoc, den, grave Orderite

    Mar 30, 2009
    Did you hear that Courier got drug and meth charges?

    [spoiler:f700b6e68c]He drug a little boy into the woods and methed with him[/spoiler:f700b6e68c]
     
  9. The Dutch Ghost

    The Dutch Ghost Grouchy old man of NMA Moderator

    Jan 11, 2004
    Not sure if its my best joke but its one I recall right now.
    Its a rather lewd joke and I am pretty sure some people have heard it before.

    [spoiler:f9afb98314]A business man is about to go on an extended business trip, leaving his wife alone at home for at least a month.
    From stories and rumors of his colleagues he has heard his wife has a tendency to get into all kinds of sexual encounters and adventures when he is gone for a long time, something the guy doesn't want to happen again.

    So a day before he has to go on the trip the businessman goes to an adult store and goes through all the items the store offers for women's pleasure.
    At some point he goes to the counter and explains to the sales person that he is looking for something special for his wife, something that will ensure that she will not cheat on him while he is gone.

    The sales person understands the problem, heads into storage and comes back with an old looking wooden box.
    After he opens it the contents are revealed to be a somewhat regular looking dildo.

    "How is this one suppose to differ from the other ones that can be found in your store" The business man asks.

    Sales person"This is a very unique one, you see it has been enchanted with a voodoo spell years ago. Its capable of pleasuring any women all on its own."

    The businessman gives him a 'so so' look.
    "Let me demonstrate" The sales person responds, "Voodoo dick, the door lock."

    Suddenly the dildo jumps out of the box, flies through the air, and starts penetrating the door look like a high powered drill.

    The businessman watches this and is quite stunned, this is exactly what he wanted for his wife.
    "How much?"

    Sales person "You must understand, this is a rare item, I am going to have to charge a lot for it."

    "I don't care. you got yourself a deal buddy." The businessman responds.
    "But one more thing, how do you make it quit?"

    "Oh that is very simple. Voodoo dick, back in the box".
    Hearing the command from the sales person the dildo stops, flies back and enters the box, giving again the impression of being a rather regular one.

    After the business man has paid the sales person he takes the box and goes back to his wife.
    That evening he shows her the toy he got for her and explains to her how it works, asking her to use this instead of looking for other men when she is lonely in his absence.

    Well the next day the business man leaves and it only takes a few hours before his wife is already planning to go out for some action.
    But she remembers the promise she made to her husband and instead gets the box he gave her.

    "Voodoo dick, into my pussy" She orders the dildo and the toy does so.
    Within minutes she experiences pleasure like she has never done before and at least has three orgasms before she calls it quits.

    However her husband has forgotten to tell his wife the previous day of how to make the dildo stop and get back in the box, and as she desperately tries to pull it out she experiences another sexual climax.

    Realizing that she is unable to make the toy stop on her own she decides to go to the hospital to get help.

    As she drives to the hospital the dildo of course continues to do its work and the sensations make her swirl all over the road.

    A traffic cop happens to see this and gets the impression that the driver is under influence of something.
    He catches up with the car and makes the driver stop, inquiring if she is drunk or has used drugs.

    Woman "Officer, my husband got me this voodoo dick yesterday, I decided to use it but I can't make it stop."

    Cop "Yeah right, voodoo dick my ass."[/spoiler:f9afb98314]
     
  10. Ohaimerk

    Ohaimerk modoc, den, grave Orderite

    Mar 30, 2009
    Another joke:

    A construction crew was building a house across the street from a young family and the little kid wandered over to see what they were up to. Later that night the mom asked the kid what he learned today and the kid said "Well, to put up drywall you put the motherfucker up, you take the motherfucker down, you measure and cut that bitch, then nail her til she's golden".

    "Where did you get language like that young man? Go outside and get a switch"

    "Fuck you, that's the electrician's job."
     
  11. Courier

    Courier Half-way Through My Half-life
    Orderite

    Apr 10, 2011
    You're not allowed to have two jokes GTFO.
     
  12. Sub-Human

    Sub-Human -

    May 31, 2011
    Ooh, the irony...
     
  13. Ohaimerk

    Ohaimerk modoc, den, grave Orderite

    Mar 30, 2009
    Lol, you're a pretty funny joke Sub
     
  14. Joelzania

    Joelzania Look, Ma! Two Heads!

    Oct 12, 2011
    you want a funny joke huh?
    well here's one:

    Fallout 3
     
  15. TorontRayne

    TorontRayne Misanthropic God of Fuck Moderator Orderite

    Apr 1, 2005
    Best one yet!
     
  16. Ohaimerk

    Ohaimerk modoc, den, grave Orderite

    Mar 30, 2009
    This thread is for funny jokes, not sad ones
     
  17. maximaz

    maximaz Sonny, I Watched the Vault Bein' Built!

    Apr 2, 2006
    Theater. Lights are off. Audience is waiting for a play to start. A man walks out on stage with a chair and a candle. He sets them down, sits on the chair, unzips his pants and starts wanking it.

    1 min, 2 min, 3 min...

    Audience watches in shock. Finally, someone stands up and yells "What the fuck?"

    The man: "Who's there?!?!"

    The end.
     
  18. Courier

    Courier Half-way Through My Half-life
    Orderite

    Apr 10, 2011
    A man goes to doctor and says he's depressed. He says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. The doctor says "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

    Suddenly the man bursts into tears. This confuses the doctor, so he asks the man why he's crying.



    The man looks up to him and says, "But, doctor...I am the great clown Pagliacci."
     
  19. Walpknut

    Walpknut Testament to the ghoul lifespan

    Dec 30, 2010
    An asian man, a Jewish man, and a Black man enter a Bar.
    The Owner pulls out his shotgun and says "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BAR!"


    What? it was in Gran Torino!
     
  20. brandonhart61

    brandonhart61 It Wandered In From the Wastes

    Dec 24, 2011
    Granted, but I did say that it was in the form of a very short story and some of the best ones are like that. They add character.

    How about:

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    To.
    To who?
    To *whom*

    Ahh, nothing like grammer jokes