a farmer in the city

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loxley

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I have ditched my old Loxley character and I have started on this one.
please: give me replies.
Sorry about the grammar and the typos but i come from

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”Damn it is large” I said.
”never seen such a big one before” the other merc said.
”No, I have never seen a thing like that” I said locking at the big city out on the area strait in front off me.
”Junktown pays well to. Ever since they brocke free from the NCR five years ago they have been groving rapidly” the merc said.
I lokced at the city behind the walls that seemed undestroyebole to mee.
I did not regret that I left the small farm with only my hunting rifle to use. I would be safe behind those walls.

“And it has been destroyed three times. And ...”
“What? It has been destroyed three times?” I just could not belive it.
“Hell, yea last time I nearly got out off town before they destroyed it.” ”But how can someone destroy such a big city.”I said.
The Merc spitted and said “It was a gang of supermutants that came. They surounded the city and crushed it the next day.”
“Okey” I said.

We went down from the mountain and headed the platou under us.

“Eyhh?”
“What is it now?” the merc said

“Just what is a supermutant?”
He grinned...”A super mutant is a large green mutated creature, strong like hell.”
“Some of them are nice and cool, Some are not.”
We continued down a small road and entered the forest wich went allong the hills.

“But why is it there if it has been destroyed three times?”
“It is a trade center and a lot of money go trough here. Because off this there is allways guys trying to make a living.” He spitted, and continued.
“So they show up and build it upp again.” “It is all made off jumk u know, so they just take the junk leftovers and rebuild it.”

We got out on the platou and saw the city around ten kilomoters away.
Then I saw some pepole that was going around the city walls.

“Who are those guys are walking around the town.”
“Must have been a battle last night” He continued to walk against the town.
“U see that there is two large publick organsations in junktown. City guard and body dispencers.”
“The city guards kill all the peapole that attack the city and the disp take care off the bodys after an attack or when someone get shot or killed they dump the bodys inn the fire holes.”
“Is there not any police and security in this town?” i said and stopped.
He stopped and lokked back at me and said”You really are green.”Then he grinned and continued. “The junktown is even wilder than the New Reno. Peapole kill each other all the time, u can’t get trough town whtout seeing a murder.”

We continued for a while and joined others on the tour against the city but I ahd to aske again.
“And peapole ceep on koming?” “And the peapole ceep on koming” he replied.
We got closer to the gates and I saw several caravans headed out of town heaveliy guarded.
“Ready your rifle” he said and pulled the gun out off the holster at his side.
We passed trough the high gates and i saw guards lokking out on the platou behind us. Then we were on the innside and moved on trough the city gates with sound and noise everywhere.
I saw a man lying on the ground beaten upp and none helped him. Then it happened: “Die” I heard, and as I turned around i saw an person probably an addict wich lifted a knife. I did not move, shocked and unaware that he woud kill me.
“Bam”
Then he fell over on the ground.
“U must be faster.” the merc said with a grin on his face as he holstered his gun.
I sudenly realised what the addict was trying to do a moment earlier.
“He was going to kill me” I said pointing at the body.
The merc started to laugh.
“What is so funny?” I said as I had worked upp some rage.
He just continued to laugh.
“WHAT?”
“U got a lot to learn kid, a lot to learn” He managed to say.
“What is so funny? He tried to kill me, the motherfucker” I said and kicked the body so he rolled around.
The hollow point bullet had blown his brain out and i loked right at the brain. I could not find any place to womit so I covered the body with acid.
“Kom on we have to get u into saftey before u get yourself killed” The merc said and continued.

“There it is.” the merc said and pushed himself trough the crowd towards the city guard
reckruting offise.

“And u are?” The large offiser behind the desk said to the merc.

“The name is steve” he replied.
“Any combat experience?”
“Plenty.”

“Guns?”
“two ten millimeters and one ten millimeter Smg one desert eagle and an assault rifle.”
“Good. I will pay u 1250 dollars a week, okay?”
“yup.”

“And your friend?” He said.
“Oh....well his name is Sam and ....he got no combat experience ,but he is training.”
“Aha” The officer had not lifted the face from the papers he was filling out, and I wa shore not to get the job.
“He got a hunting rifle”
“Good” He said.

“I will give u five hundre dollars a week.”
“Steve u are number 7658, and Sam u are number 7659.”
“I will putt u allong the nothern middle wall, Dissmis.”
 
Interesting, Loxley :)

Although I honestly did have a hard time with your english, the basic idea got across. I like the premise of the grizzled veteran and the new recruit, should make for an interesting story! :)

As a side note, I know english isn't the most fabulous language around, but it would be best if you didn't abbreviate words like 'you' to 'u'. Just kind of a personal preference, there.

Keep up the good work! :D

-SlinkyAvenger
ICQ# 42929444
SlinkyAvenger@yahoo.com
http://slinkyavenger.iwarp.com
 
Yeah, very good plot. I understood the English pretty well too.
 
Yeah, very good plot. I understood the English pretty well too. Better than some things I've seen.
 
Ok here's my advice. There's a few things I think you should improvve to make it how I would like it but this is only my opinon of what i like in stories.

1) Well to start with there was a bit too much conversation, try to make the next part longer so it seems like there's a little more action (as long as there is some)

2) you need to decide wether you want your stories to be action packed or more thought based. I could give you a couple of examples (ie philospher in the wasteland is the latter)

3) Personally i could understand your english but i would prefer it if you ran a spellcheck

but on a whole a great story, perhaps when you've posted the next two or so parts Slinky'll put it onto her site like the rest of ours.
 
I see. there will be action in a while but i em working on a second part.
I don't have a spellcheck and my mom wont allow me to download one (because i blew upp her computer with tsjernobyl and she is affraid of gettin a virus)I will try to get one though. It will be mostly action but also some emotions I try to describe a farmer who has left the safty of his home and his meting with the real world.
 
Let me rewrite that ther will be emotions and some action I will try to ballance those two a little. more action to come though
 
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