8
8-Ball
Guest
"I saw one, in the window!" Said the first boy to the group.
"What, by chance, did you see?" Asked the second.
"A real-live FN Fal, with night-vision addition and all! And golden stirrups!"
"Wow!"
The children began to play as the 220-year-old Haroldgeezer Scrooge chased them off with his stick.
"Bah, humbug!" He shouted as his nephew, Lenny, walked by.
"Christmas, a humbug, uncle? Surely you must be joking?"
"No! Never was and never will be anything more than a lousy excuse for the poor for asking money from the rich! Humbug!"
As he walked inside, Lenny followed him. "But surely, uncle, isn't there a drop of appreciation for Christmas in you? Won't you keep it?"
"Keep Christmas? Are you joking? I'd sooner screw a herpes-infested New Reno whore than keep Christmas!"
"But uncle, christmas is a time of happiness and rejoicing. A time to forget the shackles of work and happiness!"
At this, Scrooge's assistant, Hatchet, began clapping incessantly before being harshly berated by Scrooge.
"Good afternoon, nephew!"
"Merry Christmas!"
"GOOD AFTERNOON!"
"Have a good christmas, unc--"
"GOOD AFTERNOON!!!!!"
At this, Lenny walked out and shut the door. Looking about him, he noticed a cadre of children partaking in a game of sliding down a slope of frozen blood. "Well, let's see if I still have it in me..." Lenny muttered to himself before sliding all the way down.
Looking to his left, he saw a small boy with no legs. "Why, how'd you like to go for a slide?"
"Well, I'm sorry but I can't... I have a version 1.0 glitch and thus my legs are nonexistant. Soon I'll have the Cassidy bug and be completely gone."
"Why, I'm sorry to hear that, but you can always get a ride on my back!" Lenny pointed out.
The child jumped.. or tried to, for that matter, at the idea. "Why, I'd love to, guv'nor. My name's Legless Lonny!"
Lenny got him on his back and went up to the top of the bloodslide, sliding all the way down before coming to a stop.
"Say, what is your last name, Lonny?" He asked the legless boy.
"Hatchet."
"Why, I know him!"
"Could you deliver this note to him?"
"Certainly, my boy!"
"That would be splendid and... say, how do you know him?"
"I'm Haroldgeezer Scrooge's Nephew!"
At this, Lonny jumped off Lenny's green back and used his arms to propel himself away at an alarmingly fast rate.
* * * * *
"But, sir, it's Christmas tomorrow and---"
"Silence! A poor excuse for using the steal skill on a man's inventory every 25th of december!"
"But only once a year, sir..."
"Fine! But you shall receive NO salary whatsoever. Understood?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Scrooge, sir." And with that he was off.
As he walked out the door, Hatchet passed by Fred, who engaged bartering and traded with Hatchet, giving him the note.
Thanking him, Hatchet put on his power armor and walked down to the milieu of shops which he was to go to.
Three hours later, two men stepped into Scrooge's abode. "Sir, might we ask for a fair bit of monatery assets to be donated to charity? After all, it is the season to be merry!"
"Christmas? Merry? Humbug!" Scrooge began. "Are there no Jet factories? No lame excuses for prisons by FO mapping standards? Mark me down for nothing!"
"Then you wish to remain anonymous, sir?"
"Then I wish that an Enclave patrol would cap you two before you give these radiated goons more money to spend on ale and whores! Out with you!"
The two men left, very disappointed.
Hatchet was heading home when he got hit in the side-panel of his armor by a laser rifle. "Why, I used to be a fine laser rifler myself!' He shouted, turning to see the array of children armed to the teeth.
Jumping behind them, he grabbed a laser rifle and aimed it at the ill-armored Scrooge, passing by. Little did he KNOW that this was Scrooge, however.
Firing a shot, he blasted off Scrooge's hat and turned it into a burning crisp.
"Oh, no, sir, I didn't know it was---"
"HA--TCHEEEEET! YOU'RE FIRED!"
"I'm sorry, guv'nor." one of the kids comforted him.
"Merry christmas." Hatchet melancholily remarked as he walked off.
* * * * *
That night, Scrooge was awakened by a strange sound. Getting up, he saw his old business partner, Richard Grey, standing before him!
"Didn't you turn into a radioactive abomination?"
"Yes, but that's beside the point. You see, if you want to end up like me---wandering around for eternity, doing nothing---then don't change your ways. Since I know you DON'T, I have dispatched three people wearing StealthBoys pretending to be ghosts who will try and change the error in your ways. oooooo...."
"GUARDS!" Scrooge called out.
Three heavily-armored guards ran in with Bozars at the ready and began firing at every nook and cranny someone could possibly hide in before running back out without saying a word.
Looking around, Scrooge was startled to see Richard AGAIN!
"The first at one, the second two and the third three... oooooo...." And at that Richard was gone.
* * * * *
Waking up at one to a bright flash of light, Scrooge looked about his bed to see a beautiful woman wearing a retro-style wristwatch which was the only non-silhoutted part of her body.
"I am the person wearing a stealthboy pretending to be a ghost of CHRISTMAS PAST!!!!"
"Huh?" Scrooge asked.
"Come!" She shouted as she whisked him off to his childhood abode, in the Vaguely-remembered-city-before-the-war.
"This is my old town! That's the alarm that's ringing right now! The bombs are dropping! Oh, how giddy it makes me! And look at that---My parents! They're being executed for being disorderly by some gorilla-faced guards. Look, there I am, running away from a gas-masked patrolman firing at me and a few other spraypainters with an MP5K!!!"
As the young scrooge hid behind the door to the bomb shelter, a friend asked him why he was staying there and not running to the truck.
"Well, my father and I have decided that we would stay in the shelter for christmas and come out after it was over, hoping to survive."
"Well, I suppose your guv'nor knows best! Bye!"
Three hours later, while young Haroldgeezer was weeping at missing christmas at the refugee camp, his sister ran in and told him that the bombs had dropped, and all the gas masked guys were dead and he could go out! Scrooge's face lit up with delight as he and his sister ran out and assembled the pieces of a U.S. Soldier's armor into a christmas tree, skinning dead people and wrapping burning hunks of rock (presents) in them.
"Oh, it was a wonderful christmas..." Scrooge began as he was whisked to FuzzyWig's office.
FuzzyWig! Scrooge was extremely happy, watching with glee as FuzzyWig coddled he and his friend, giving them more money than deserved and giving them Christmas day off, fully paid.
His happiness shattered, Scrooge woke up to find himself in bed before looking at his watch and seeing that it was 2:00!
He saw an incredibly fat man waring a tie and sitting behind a desk.
"'ello, Scrooge! Name's Gizmo! C'mon, let's go look at some things."
He whisked scrooge away to the Restored United States ration depot where bread was being handed out. As men got into fights over bread servings, Gizmo magically broke up their fights by threatening them with his mauser.
"Wow, we stopped that fight, didn't we!"
"Yes, we did." Gizmo responded.
Gizmo then whisked them over to the Hatchets' house, where Scrooge watched the family partake in all manner of fun and christmas shenanigans.
"Tell me, Gizmo, will Legless Lonny live?"
"Well, with the care money from a job can buy, who knows?"
"Now, to Fred's!" Gizmo shouted as he whisked them to Fred's house.
Looking in the window, they saw that Fred was beginning a party. "To Scrooge!" He shouted, starting a toast.
"SCROOGE? Why Scrooge?"
"Because he's the basis for half of our jokes. Did you hear the one about the Scrooge who---"
"Hurm." Scrooge muttered.
"Ha, ha, ha!" Gizmo shouted. "Well, today is the day that I die... *BELCH!*"
Scrooge then awoke lying in bed to discover that it was three o'clock. "Oh, no!" He shouted.
At that, a hooded figure approached him with a nametag saying, "Hi, I'm Aradesh" on the robe. Ripping it off and stamping on it, The figure pointed away.
"Fine, I'll follow you."
The two were whisked to the stock exchange market, where Scrooge was shown about until he was brought to a chat between stock traders.
"Oh, that old bastard died yesterday!" Began one.
"Ha, ha, ha! Who's going to go to his funeral?" Asked the second.
"Not me... unless there's a lunch provided."
"But there is no free lunch!"
"Huh?"
"It will give him an ounce of happiness that we remember him by goung to his funeral when Satan or God show him what's going on in the world now that he's dead."
"Oh... well, in that case, let's not go. T'would be dreadful to bring happiness to such a man."
Scrooge was then whisked to the house of the Hatchets.
"Oh no, his entire body is gone!" Bob shouted. The children and his wife began crying in unison as Aradesh whisked Scrooge and himself to a bed with a dead man covered by the lying atop it.
"Who's that?" Scrooge asked.
At this point, they were whisked to Golgotha where Scrooge was shown an impaled corpse with "HAROLDGEEZER SCROOGE" written in the sand below it.
Scrooge then awoke to a lighted bed, looking up at the ceiling.
"AAAAAAK!" He shouted as he rushed to the window and opened it.
Spotting a child, he shouted, "KID! I'LL GIVE YOU A BOTTLE CAP IF YOU GET ME A BRAHMIN HEAD FROM DOWNTOWN!"
"Yes, guv'nor!" The child shouted as he ran off.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TOO YOU ALL!" Scrooge shouted at the top of his lungs.
Receiving the head from the boy after he had returned, Scrooge rushed to Hatchet's house.
"Hatchet!!! I'm giving you a raise! And a free Brahmin head!"
"You've gone mad!" Shouted Hatchet as his Bozar opened fire on Scrooge and ripped him to shreds. "AND THAT'S FOR LONNY, WHO DIED THIS MORNING BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR A VERSION 1.01 PATCH!!!"
"I'm... fine... not... madd... want... ugh...." Scrooge rasped as his eyes rolled up and his tongue out. Scrooge was dead.
"Scrooge is dead! YAY! He never changed, did he, kids?" Hatchet asked his children.
"NO!" They responded in unison.
And somewhere near the stock exchange, a conversation was a-flaring between two stock brokers.
"Oh, that old bastard died yesterday!" Began one.
"Ha, ha, ha! Who's going to go to his funeral?" Asked the second.
"Not me... unless there's a lunch provided."
"But there is no free lunch!"
"Huh?"
"It will give him an ounce of happiness that we remember him by goung to his funeral when Satan or God show him what's going on in the world now that he's dead."
"Oh... well, in that case, let's not go. T'would be dreadful to bring happiness to such a man."
ACtually Dark Angel was on at the same time as MExican Wrestling so I finished it up during the ads. hehhhehheehheheheheh
yes, I know it's bad
"What, by chance, did you see?" Asked the second.
"A real-live FN Fal, with night-vision addition and all! And golden stirrups!"
"Wow!"
The children began to play as the 220-year-old Haroldgeezer Scrooge chased them off with his stick.
"Bah, humbug!" He shouted as his nephew, Lenny, walked by.
"Christmas, a humbug, uncle? Surely you must be joking?"
"No! Never was and never will be anything more than a lousy excuse for the poor for asking money from the rich! Humbug!"
As he walked inside, Lenny followed him. "But surely, uncle, isn't there a drop of appreciation for Christmas in you? Won't you keep it?"
"Keep Christmas? Are you joking? I'd sooner screw a herpes-infested New Reno whore than keep Christmas!"
"But uncle, christmas is a time of happiness and rejoicing. A time to forget the shackles of work and happiness!"
At this, Scrooge's assistant, Hatchet, began clapping incessantly before being harshly berated by Scrooge.
"Good afternoon, nephew!"
"Merry Christmas!"
"GOOD AFTERNOON!"
"Have a good christmas, unc--"
"GOOD AFTERNOON!!!!!"
At this, Lenny walked out and shut the door. Looking about him, he noticed a cadre of children partaking in a game of sliding down a slope of frozen blood. "Well, let's see if I still have it in me..." Lenny muttered to himself before sliding all the way down.
Looking to his left, he saw a small boy with no legs. "Why, how'd you like to go for a slide?"
"Well, I'm sorry but I can't... I have a version 1.0 glitch and thus my legs are nonexistant. Soon I'll have the Cassidy bug and be completely gone."
"Why, I'm sorry to hear that, but you can always get a ride on my back!" Lenny pointed out.
The child jumped.. or tried to, for that matter, at the idea. "Why, I'd love to, guv'nor. My name's Legless Lonny!"
Lenny got him on his back and went up to the top of the bloodslide, sliding all the way down before coming to a stop.
"Say, what is your last name, Lonny?" He asked the legless boy.
"Hatchet."
"Why, I know him!"
"Could you deliver this note to him?"
"Certainly, my boy!"
"That would be splendid and... say, how do you know him?"
"I'm Haroldgeezer Scrooge's Nephew!"
At this, Lonny jumped off Lenny's green back and used his arms to propel himself away at an alarmingly fast rate.
* * * * *
"But, sir, it's Christmas tomorrow and---"
"Silence! A poor excuse for using the steal skill on a man's inventory every 25th of december!"
"But only once a year, sir..."
"Fine! But you shall receive NO salary whatsoever. Understood?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Scrooge, sir." And with that he was off.
As he walked out the door, Hatchet passed by Fred, who engaged bartering and traded with Hatchet, giving him the note.
Thanking him, Hatchet put on his power armor and walked down to the milieu of shops which he was to go to.
Three hours later, two men stepped into Scrooge's abode. "Sir, might we ask for a fair bit of monatery assets to be donated to charity? After all, it is the season to be merry!"
"Christmas? Merry? Humbug!" Scrooge began. "Are there no Jet factories? No lame excuses for prisons by FO mapping standards? Mark me down for nothing!"
"Then you wish to remain anonymous, sir?"
"Then I wish that an Enclave patrol would cap you two before you give these radiated goons more money to spend on ale and whores! Out with you!"
The two men left, very disappointed.
Hatchet was heading home when he got hit in the side-panel of his armor by a laser rifle. "Why, I used to be a fine laser rifler myself!' He shouted, turning to see the array of children armed to the teeth.
Jumping behind them, he grabbed a laser rifle and aimed it at the ill-armored Scrooge, passing by. Little did he KNOW that this was Scrooge, however.
Firing a shot, he blasted off Scrooge's hat and turned it into a burning crisp.
"Oh, no, sir, I didn't know it was---"
"HA--TCHEEEEET! YOU'RE FIRED!"
"I'm sorry, guv'nor." one of the kids comforted him.
"Merry christmas." Hatchet melancholily remarked as he walked off.
* * * * *
That night, Scrooge was awakened by a strange sound. Getting up, he saw his old business partner, Richard Grey, standing before him!
"Didn't you turn into a radioactive abomination?"
"Yes, but that's beside the point. You see, if you want to end up like me---wandering around for eternity, doing nothing---then don't change your ways. Since I know you DON'T, I have dispatched three people wearing StealthBoys pretending to be ghosts who will try and change the error in your ways. oooooo...."
"GUARDS!" Scrooge called out.
Three heavily-armored guards ran in with Bozars at the ready and began firing at every nook and cranny someone could possibly hide in before running back out without saying a word.
Looking around, Scrooge was startled to see Richard AGAIN!
"The first at one, the second two and the third three... oooooo...." And at that Richard was gone.
* * * * *
Waking up at one to a bright flash of light, Scrooge looked about his bed to see a beautiful woman wearing a retro-style wristwatch which was the only non-silhoutted part of her body.
"I am the person wearing a stealthboy pretending to be a ghost of CHRISTMAS PAST!!!!"
"Huh?" Scrooge asked.
"Come!" She shouted as she whisked him off to his childhood abode, in the Vaguely-remembered-city-before-the-war.
"This is my old town! That's the alarm that's ringing right now! The bombs are dropping! Oh, how giddy it makes me! And look at that---My parents! They're being executed for being disorderly by some gorilla-faced guards. Look, there I am, running away from a gas-masked patrolman firing at me and a few other spraypainters with an MP5K!!!"
As the young scrooge hid behind the door to the bomb shelter, a friend asked him why he was staying there and not running to the truck.
"Well, my father and I have decided that we would stay in the shelter for christmas and come out after it was over, hoping to survive."
"Well, I suppose your guv'nor knows best! Bye!"
Three hours later, while young Haroldgeezer was weeping at missing christmas at the refugee camp, his sister ran in and told him that the bombs had dropped, and all the gas masked guys were dead and he could go out! Scrooge's face lit up with delight as he and his sister ran out and assembled the pieces of a U.S. Soldier's armor into a christmas tree, skinning dead people and wrapping burning hunks of rock (presents) in them.
"Oh, it was a wonderful christmas..." Scrooge began as he was whisked to FuzzyWig's office.
FuzzyWig! Scrooge was extremely happy, watching with glee as FuzzyWig coddled he and his friend, giving them more money than deserved and giving them Christmas day off, fully paid.
His happiness shattered, Scrooge woke up to find himself in bed before looking at his watch and seeing that it was 2:00!
He saw an incredibly fat man waring a tie and sitting behind a desk.
"'ello, Scrooge! Name's Gizmo! C'mon, let's go look at some things."
He whisked scrooge away to the Restored United States ration depot where bread was being handed out. As men got into fights over bread servings, Gizmo magically broke up their fights by threatening them with his mauser.
"Wow, we stopped that fight, didn't we!"
"Yes, we did." Gizmo responded.
Gizmo then whisked them over to the Hatchets' house, where Scrooge watched the family partake in all manner of fun and christmas shenanigans.
"Tell me, Gizmo, will Legless Lonny live?"
"Well, with the care money from a job can buy, who knows?"
"Now, to Fred's!" Gizmo shouted as he whisked them to Fred's house.
Looking in the window, they saw that Fred was beginning a party. "To Scrooge!" He shouted, starting a toast.
"SCROOGE? Why Scrooge?"
"Because he's the basis for half of our jokes. Did you hear the one about the Scrooge who---"
"Hurm." Scrooge muttered.
"Ha, ha, ha!" Gizmo shouted. "Well, today is the day that I die... *BELCH!*"
Scrooge then awoke lying in bed to discover that it was three o'clock. "Oh, no!" He shouted.
At that, a hooded figure approached him with a nametag saying, "Hi, I'm Aradesh" on the robe. Ripping it off and stamping on it, The figure pointed away.
"Fine, I'll follow you."
The two were whisked to the stock exchange market, where Scrooge was shown about until he was brought to a chat between stock traders.
"Oh, that old bastard died yesterday!" Began one.
"Ha, ha, ha! Who's going to go to his funeral?" Asked the second.
"Not me... unless there's a lunch provided."
"But there is no free lunch!"
"Huh?"
"It will give him an ounce of happiness that we remember him by goung to his funeral when Satan or God show him what's going on in the world now that he's dead."
"Oh... well, in that case, let's not go. T'would be dreadful to bring happiness to such a man."
Scrooge was then whisked to the house of the Hatchets.
"Oh no, his entire body is gone!" Bob shouted. The children and his wife began crying in unison as Aradesh whisked Scrooge and himself to a bed with a dead man covered by the lying atop it.
"Who's that?" Scrooge asked.
At this point, they were whisked to Golgotha where Scrooge was shown an impaled corpse with "HAROLDGEEZER SCROOGE" written in the sand below it.
Scrooge then awoke to a lighted bed, looking up at the ceiling.
"AAAAAAK!" He shouted as he rushed to the window and opened it.
Spotting a child, he shouted, "KID! I'LL GIVE YOU A BOTTLE CAP IF YOU GET ME A BRAHMIN HEAD FROM DOWNTOWN!"
"Yes, guv'nor!" The child shouted as he ran off.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TOO YOU ALL!" Scrooge shouted at the top of his lungs.
Receiving the head from the boy after he had returned, Scrooge rushed to Hatchet's house.
"Hatchet!!! I'm giving you a raise! And a free Brahmin head!"
"You've gone mad!" Shouted Hatchet as his Bozar opened fire on Scrooge and ripped him to shreds. "AND THAT'S FOR LONNY, WHO DIED THIS MORNING BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR A VERSION 1.01 PATCH!!!"
"I'm... fine... not... madd... want... ugh...." Scrooge rasped as his eyes rolled up and his tongue out. Scrooge was dead.
"Scrooge is dead! YAY! He never changed, did he, kids?" Hatchet asked his children.
"NO!" They responded in unison.
And somewhere near the stock exchange, a conversation was a-flaring between two stock brokers.
"Oh, that old bastard died yesterday!" Began one.
"Ha, ha, ha! Who's going to go to his funeral?" Asked the second.
"Not me... unless there's a lunch provided."
"But there is no free lunch!"
"Huh?"
"It will give him an ounce of happiness that we remember him by goung to his funeral when Satan or God show him what's going on in the world now that he's dead."
"Oh... well, in that case, let's not go. T'would be dreadful to bring happiness to such a man."
ACtually Dark Angel was on at the same time as MExican Wrestling so I finished it up during the ads. hehhhehheehheheheheh
yes, I know it's bad
