NEWSWEEK: So the monster getting all the publicity these days is King Kong. Do you know him?
Bigfoot: Oh that just such ignorant question. You think because we both elusive forest creature that we must know each other? No, I not know King Kong, but I hear he a hack. Bigfoot would be much better choice for lead role in “King Kong 2.” Maybe all roles in that movie. It amazing what can be do with computer film compositing these days.
What about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton?
No, they would be terrible in lead role of “King Kong 2.” No should be able to see King Kong ribs. Bigfoot is only reasonable choice.
For people who don't know you, tell us briefly who you are and why we should care.
Are you suggest that there might be people that not care? Please give me name and address and I go fix. Really, how someone not love Bigfoot when I a multitalented, go-go crypto hominid of the 21st century? I enjoy long walks on beach, eat thing I find on ground and yelling at moon while punching and kicking at air.
Your first book was an autobiography, now you're doing a memoir—which people often write in their twilight years. Are your days numbered?
Bigfoot maybe start have greater sense of own mortality in last few years. Trying quit smoking. Couple years ago have to give up drink Pine Sol, it numb pain and comfort Bigfoot because smell remind Bigfoot of woods but also burn pine fresh hole through small intestine. So much blood.
How old are you?
Don't know, just always sort of been. Color in coloring book at fourth-grade level. Start notice some gray patches in fur but fix with Grecian Formula. Just comb in.
Graham Roumieu, who illustrated your book, has done drawings for The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, among other publications. Does he do you justice?
He do, but Bigfoot have to encourage excellence with fist and constant berating. Really he a good guy, but me have to remember that he just another parasite trying to tap vein full of lightening that is Bigfootmania.
In your book, you talk a lot about how brutal celebrity culture can be—how the press once made you a star but now no longer pays any attention to you. Is there any chance you could be famous again?
Listen, I stare the Devil in the face and I not scared of him. Then Devil kick Bigfoot in the sundae bar and Bigfoot fall, fall, fall. But Bigfoot a fighter, I pick ice cream up off ground, flick off dirt. Now Bigfoot making comeback, have things in the works, just looking for right project. Maybe buddy flick with Loch Ness monster be good. “Trains, Planes and Automobiles” sort of thing.
Your memoir is also very frank about your problems with debt and women. Why so much honesty about your demons?
Bigfoot want attention and nobody can resist looking at a car wreck.
What about your anger problem? How's that coming along?
I unaware of any such problem.
In your heyday, you had wild parties with Morris the Cat, Andrew Dice Clay and Emilio Estevez. What happened to those guys?
Don't know, I stop returning they calls a long time ago. They just get very pathetic and needy and sad, and Bigfoot no could handle being friend anymore. Think Morris dead now, which sad because he owe Bigfoot money.
If Bigfoot could leave one legacy for the world, what would it be?
Think mostly that people know that American dream alive and well and that the woods no longer boring and can reprezent.
© 2005 Newsweek, Inc.-
