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Blackhandsaint, because your short stories are so short, I have merged them into a single thread. If it impairs people from editing them, perhaps we can work something else out, but why don't we try this for now?
 
Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that all of you should feel free to post your opinions and criticisms on my work here or via a PM. I would really appreciate it!
 
Ok, first impressions-

The first sentence is weak
The paragarphs are too long
Too much purple phrasing
Too much atmosphere and not enough substance.

If you are trying to convey atmosphere in the first couple of paras fine, but I like to see more plot.

If this is a short story, then economy is key. In no other form does a writer exercise economy more diligently than in a short story.

I have read the first fire paras and I am falling asleep wadding through the adjectives.
 
I agree with Welsh here. That first sentence lacks any real emotion, or reason to read on. I read the first part, and saw the rest was similar to it, and I really couldn't read on, I am sorry.

Far too many adjectives. While it does set a great atmosphere, you need to tone it down a little to keep your audience engrossed, and have more actually *happen*.

I did like the descriptions, but they were often a little overbearing.

Great work with these anyway mate, just keep at it, and I'm sure you will strike the happy-medium between atmosphere/description and plot line.
 
Yes, I do get criticism like that sometimes, but I also frequently get praise for the very things you're telling me I should change. It's not that I don't value your advice as readers, it's just that I'm very split. I was going to revise that particular piece some anyway, so maybe I'll get back to you all on that sometime. Thanks for your thoughts!
 
Blackhandsaint said:
Yes, I do get criticism like that sometimes, but I also frequently get praise for the very things you're telling me I should change.
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Well, it demonstrates your proficiency in with the English vocabulary, which is good. However, such a florid style as you have adopted mainly serves to get in the way of the story (which, as Welsh points out, could be more substantial). I can see this sort of thing being praised at a high school level though. I can really only repeat what has been said, tone it down a bit and strengthen your storyline. As it currently stands, you are a little too close to Bulwer-Lytton territory.

"Sultry it was and humid, but no whisper of air caused the plump, laden spears of golden grain to nod their burdened heads as they unheedingly awaited the cyclic rape of their gleaming treasure, while overhead the burning orb of luminescence ascended its ever-upward path toward a sweltering celestial apex, for although it is not in Kansas that our story takes place, it looks godawful like it."
-Judy Frazier, 1991 Winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.
 
The thing is that the story is told through everything in my work. What I'm trying to achieve is a story told through atmosphere, images, and color. It's dense (like poetry) but the story is more than just what's written in words. It's the way something feels. The words and pictures I use are all integral in what I try to evoke in my audience. I'm not saying that you're wrong or anything, I'm just trying to explain what's going on and what's going through my head. Thanks for the advice and the quote, though, that passage was dreadful!
 
The Bulwer-Lytton contest is considerably less funnier when you know that the snippets are actually written for that purpose, they're not excerpts from real stories.
 
Blackhandsaint said:
The thing is that the story is told through everything in my work. What I'm trying to achieve is a story told through atmosphere, images, and color. It's dense (like poetry) but the story is more than just what's written in words. It's the way something feels. The words and pictures I use are all integral in what I try to evoke in my audience.
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'Cept that, you know, you fail. Sorry to be rude, but you don't seem to be listening to what people are saying. The extensive descriptions are nothing but distracting and do not add to the feel of the story.

It's the kind of descriptions you generally see in (bad) fantasy novels, really.
 
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