Glad to help!
I have another report, quite a big one at that. This one is the initial conversations with Kogan, the Garage City scrap cartel boss.
This first set will be his dialogue with the player choosing the "Nice" options.
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The stage directions in Kogan's second dialogue are not written in third person, while in the first dialogue they are. There is also repetition of the word "device" in the same sentence. I think the second dialogue's stage directions should be changed to "(He takes off the headphones and presses a few buttons on the device, before pointing at it.)"
I think a portion of Kogan's dialogue in this screenshot is awkward as well. Specifically his dialogue beginning from "The model is not the most expensive..." and ending at "Now none of them work". I can't exactly put my finger on why I think its awkward, so I'll just post how I'd have wrote it (Which I'd be more than happy for you to use in the translation itself!)
"The model is not the most high-end, but its very reliable. Evidenced by its survival to this day."
PC RESPONSE
"I love old things. Our ancestors made many mistakes, but they knew how to make tape players. In their time, there were built myriad factories which could produce myriad things. Some still stand. But none work."
As an aside, Kogan's final statement here is fascinating to me, however. Is Kogan unaware of the industry in the NCR to the Northwest? or of any working factories in Sonora proper? (I don't know if there are any yet, so please don't spoil!) Or is he just trying to foment some small, false worldview in the (Likely fresh from the Villa) PC's mind? Where his little piece of wasteland is the most there is? He seems very insistent on having our PC work for him, regardless of how much we tell his fat ass to fuck off. I didn't complete the quest he's involved in in his favor yet either, so I don't know if he says anything on that topic if you do. Anyway!
In Kogan's fourth dialogue, I think changing "huh?" to "Hmm." would fit the character better. The lines "I thought you would have had a different opinion. In any case, we have very little ability to fix this" is also awkward to me in that it took multiple readings for me to realise he was talking about the great war and it's consequences (The PC's line of "The world has definitely lost a lot" is what he's responding to in particular). I'll give my take on what I think is a clearer line: "Hmm. I thought you would have disagreed. Though neither you nor I have much power to bring the past back, anyway. So. Whats on your mind, boy?"
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The second and third paragraphs read awkwardly. Again, I can't exactly describe my issue with the paragraphs, so I'll rewrite them - hopefully I picked up the gist of what is being said! writing in asterisks is where I've added my own bits rather than just rewriting.
"No one likes their routine broken. I don't like it when ruins run out of salvage - then begins the search for new mines*, which can be quite a time of angst among my workers*. Under my command are several dozen scavengers, and I have several contracts with other organizations in Arizona and beyond."
"Compared to us, Villa is lucky. *People reproduce, yet scrap doesn't*. Its difficult for people like you to understand. Your world is small, consisting of little more than your own domestic concerns. Meanwhile we scavengers supply Southern Arizona with our finds. No one but you peasants care about the fate of Villa."
The fourth paragraph is well written, though I think changing the last sentence would be good. In my opinion even just removing "this time" from the end of the sentence would make it flow better.
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I think the last sentence of the third paragraph shown could be rewritten better, heres my take - "If I were you, I'd forget all this, return to my empty house, and start afresh."
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This dialogue is after a scene outside of the dialogue interface happens where a scavengers runs into the room to tell Kogan there's a fight in the dorms. I couldn't find any issue with it and its quite hard to capture the dialogue itself, so I'm leaving it out - If you want me to grab it though, just ask!
In Kogan's first paragraph, the last sentence stands out with strange language and flow. Here's my take on improving it: "And now an excellent opportunity has arisen to demonstrate your skills."
in Kogan's second, I think "extra" should be replaced with "more" as it sounds more natural.
In Kogan's third, I think "everything" should be replaced with "very much" or some variation thereof. "Everything" seems a bit extreme to me - but I haven't completed the Garage City main quest in Kogan's favor to know, so he might just be an encyclopedia on the subject.
And in the last Kogan paragraph, I think he should say "I'm Karl Kogan" instead of just "Karl Kogan". Or maybe something like "Karl Kogan. I run things around here".
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These are his responses when the quest is in progress. Note that this dialogue doesn't change at all, no matter how you talk to Kogan. I don't think they need changing, Just putting them up here for completeness' sake.
Now, We have the "nasty" set, where we are mean to Kogan:
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Not much different than the nice response, except at the end. It is funny to imagine Kogan powering through describing his tape player despite the PC's protests.
The PC's line "That's not what I'm asking" should be "That's not what I asked", it just flows better IMO.
The PC's line after, the third grey paragraph, is clunky. Here's my take on an improved version: "Stop talking about tape players! I didn't trek through the desert for a lecture on ancient technology!" Its very different from the original, but I think its more entertaining.
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There is another "nasty" response one can give to Kogan about his tape players, which is the "Who needs all this junk?" line. I think the PC's line should be something like "Who needs junk like that?", because Kogan isn't bringing out a collection, its just one item. Similarly, I think Kogan's last sentence in the last paragraph should be something more aggressive, considering he also calls us "boy" if agree that the worlds lost a lot.
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Most of this is the same as the "Nice" set of responses, so little to say here - except for the PC's third paragraph. I think its still using Russian grammar rules(?), but I'm not an expert. Here's my take: "So did you order the capture of my people, you son of a bitch?" It makes more sense to me, considering that nothing Kogan said beforehand would concretely lead the PC to believe Kogan was responsible.
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And finally, the "nasty" response to Kogan giving you the quest. I think the last sentence of the last paragraph would be more impactful if it was just "Get out."
I hope the information and feedback in my post were useful. Thank you so much for taking the time to make and improve Sonora's translation Cambragol!
