Another report from me, still mulling around Garage City. First up are some item descriptions:
The leather jacket is described as "pre-war". The game takes place WAY after the great war in 2241, so this may be a mistranslation or some kind of carryover from Fallout Nevada - unless this is a 160+ year old jacket! Otherwise, the "pre-war" adjective should be removed.
The purified water is described as being "Purified of impurites and radiation". I think substituting "purified" for "removed", or "free" would flow better.
This description is too verbose, in my opinion. I think it should be rewritten in simpler language - Its just cleaning powder, after all. Here's my take: "Dry powder for removing dirt. Its even capable of washing away centuries old muck."
And finally (for item descriptions, at least), cornmeal. This suffers from the same overly verbose language as the cleaning agent from before. Here's my take: "A staple of the modern diet. Contains some small foreign debris."
now, moving on:
After convincing the gatekeeper in Garage city to tell us where the slave convoy was headed, I got this "console" message. The use of "opened" here is a strange choice of word - I think replacing "opened" with "revealed" would be more accurate.
Above is Granny Adonisia's dialogue after having completed the initial Villa quests. As you can see, in the log she's referred to as "Anders" rather than "Adonisia" - Every other instance of her name I've seen calls her Adonisia, so this is an outlier.
The PC's first response seems to be cut off - "I need to ask". "I need to ask some questions" reads better to me.
In Granny's second response, I'd recommend changing "on" to "at".
I think Granny's second paragraph here could be improved with different punctuation - "Your padre and madre were also taken, so hurry up before something worse happens to them!"
The PC's final response in this screenshot is a bit awkward. I'm unsure if I'm understanding exactly what's being said, but I think changing "didn't" to "did" would make more sense.
I think Granny's first response's last sentence would read better, here's my take: "But not all are dangerous. Some are worth their weight in gold."
Now, this is the gatekeeper of Garage City. in his second response, I think removing the "at the mine" would improve the flow, as its a bit redundant and extends the sentence too much IMO.
In the gatekeeper's final sentence of the final paragraph, I think "when" should be replaced with "if", as its less intriguing. It'd make sense if you had the option to further question exactly "when" Garage City would get rough, but there isn't, so best to keep it vague IMO.
This is the gatekeeper's dialogue after a successful speech check to get him to tell you about the slave convoy. I have some minor changes to recommend to improve it: "(sighs) I didn't tell you this. That convoy's headed for Flagstaff. Head east on interstate 40. takes about a week to get there, they say."
And here's the dialogue for if you choose the first option in the above screenshot. I think the final sentence could read better, here's my rewrite: "They aren't just wasteland savages."
I've got more to report later today. Hope this helps!