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Okay here its is, Chapter 4 (don't worry I have other Chapters written I have not speant all that time of Ch. 4, I just decided to post the chapters seperately. I hope you enjoy it, a note about the jounral entry: I did not edit this at all, so it is raw thought (which is what a journal is supposed to be), no tailoring involved.
Here it is, hopw you like it
Chapter 4:
The rebirth was complete. I had thrown off the chains of my old, ignorant, life and had emerged into the new, real, world, ready to experience and live.
It hit me then, as I climbed out of the manhole I realized how I had thrown off the chains. The first step, in my mind, had been my seperation from the Vault, I had been physically disconnected from the place of my physical birth and I could never return. The mental anguish I had experienced at that time changed me profoundly, it made me see that I no longer had anybody to depend on but myself, I could only look to myself for help. But, it also made me realize that I had total freedom of mind, I could think however I wished and I could develop however I wished and that a brave new world lay ahead of my to develop in. That was the first step in my rebirth. The next step was emerging from that ashen hole in the ground and actually seeing, breathing, smelling, SENSING that brave new world, with this I spiritually left the vault, and looked forward instead of backward. With these two steps I physically and spiritually disconnected myself from the Vault, and was spiritually reborn. After I realized this I thought to myself, “Huh, this is interesting, it would make a good journal entry.’ Then I yawned and had a second thought, ‘a good journal entry AFTER I rest, I’m too fucking tired to write, right now.” I was mockingly horrified at the corniness of that phrase but smiled anyway. Then I remembered where I was, and stopped staring at the ground and looked up.
I was sort of expecting to emerge into sunlight, so I was surprised when I saw I was surrounded by a pitch inky blackness. At first I thought I was in another tunnel and, that thought depressing me, sighed and looked up in despair. When I looked up I saw something so beautiful that it is impossible to describe its full beauty. I saw dots of pure whiteness strung among the sky like particles of sand, at first I did not know what they were but then I remembered, these were stars. I stood their for at least ten minutes in awe of their immense beauty taking in all that I could. I didn’t know why they were so beautiful to me, and even though part of my mind wanted my to explore and analyze and understand this feeling and understand why they had this affect on me, in my tired state I was content to just bask in the pure beauty of the stars. After I had taken my fill of the stars, I looked forward. The ground beneath my feet was rough and gravely and crunched whenever I moved my boots. I tried to take a few steps forward but in this darkness my eyes were about as useful as a large dose of radiation, they still had not adjusted to the natural darkness around then, but it was still better than wearing those damn goggles, at least my eyes will adjust naturally to the day light now. After my failed attempt at walking forward, I lied down and tried to sleep, the ground was uncomfortable and my pack was not that great as a pillow but I was also very excited about the prospects that lay ahead of me, “like a child.” I thought to myself wryly. So sleep came to me in short intervals. I was awoken from one of these intervals by a dull light. I opened my eyes but saw only a grayish blur of fuzzy shapes in front of me. I lied down w/o second thoughts and tried to go back to sleep and after an unsuccessful fifteen minutes of tossing and turning I sighed and sat up and for the first time noticed how much the damn gravel was hurting my body. So I stood and brushed off the gravel that was sticking to me b/c of the indentations it made in my body. After that, I stretched, rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times. What I saw in front of me when my eyes cleared (there was enough light to see coherently by now) was burned, blasted and carved into my memory forever. I was standing on a hill top, the manhole from which I emerged the night before was a few feet in front of me, also on top of the hill (the hill was more one that gradually climbed up from a plain in the distance instead of shooting straight up). Beyond the manhole and at the foot of the incline where a cracked and weed filled road ran was a city, at least that where the biggest buildings of this city were. From the hill I could see the entire city, thousands of buildings lay cracked and open, their material guts littering the quiet roads. They ranged in size from small two story buildings to gargantuan skyscrapers. The two biggest skyscrapers lay situated across from each other, their spires and roofs had fallen and caved in, leaving long, bony, fingers of metal, cable, glass and concrete pointing vainly towards the sky, like the fingers of dead gods. I was on eye level with these two buildings and was staring directly down the gap between the two dead buildings. In that gap was the rising sun, shining like a diamond in a field of ash. Clouds were shooting out of the sun like lances and trumpets announcing its presence to the world. As I stared (sort of, I had to protect my eyes) at that orb I knew once and for all that hope did exsist in this wasteland, looking at that orb exstingusihed any doubts I may have held about the wasteland. I stood there for awhile pondering this moment, surrendering to my reason and my curiousity. I made a journal entry outlining that outlined what I had thought.
It read, “Last night I saw the stars for the first time, and today I saw the sun for the first time. Both instilled in me a feeling that I have never felt before, I cannot explain what exactly this feeling is but it felt like a strange mix of happiness, hope, gleeful outrage, nostalgia, love, and surprise. It was a very strange feeling, I had never felt it before. Perhaps this is what exsistence was meant to feel like, joy on a grand scale. Or maybe it was a gaining of an understanding of one of the fundamental truths of life. I would say that truth is that existence is life, that the point of existence is to exist, that we exist simply to exist. But then where do all these other “points of life” come from like that the point of existence is too help others, or that the point is to compete? It seems to me that these may be false truths, humans created these false truths to explain itself, to advance the ambition of petty individuals or perhaps because the could not handle the fact that life was as simple as that. Existence is a concept, a concept is not in of itself moral or amoral, and it is not any other concept. We apply morality and other concepts to concepts, for example the concept of killing, we think of it as amoral, which it is. But, is the concept of killing, in of itself amoral? How could it be, it is a concept not a mind, it has no sense of morals, it just is. Humans applied the concept of morality to other concepts. Even the concept of morality is moral because that is what it is, the concept of killing is not moral or amoral because that is what it is not. The concept of Morality is the concept of Morality, The concept of Killing is The concept of Killing, The concept of Killing is NOT the concept of Morality (jeez, that’s a lot of concepts). Perhaps I should just say that Concepts are themselves not each other. The point of concepts is also themselves, the point of killing is killing, the point of morality is morality. So therefore it would be irrational to think at this stage that the point of existence is anything less or more than existence. Of course this could be flawed, it probably is, this is just spur of the moment thinking, the question that I have now presented myself with, what is existence and what is life, will need to be thought and pondered over much more before I will feel confident with the solution. I have a sense of doubt that has always hounded me when I think like this, I guess it’s a good thing because it causes me to constantly question my solutions and allows me to refine my thoughts. These questions are very interesting to me, I have a curiousity, I want to answer them, I want to understand them, its like a need. I will investigate these questions later and examine the conclusions drawn and the way these conclusions were drawn later.”
With that my journal entry ended, I wonder why I put in that last part, perhaps it is to remind myself to come back to this or reassure myself that I will come back to these question. After I put my journal away I lifted my back pack onto my shoulders and turned away from the rising sun (I now saw that I was standing not on top of a hill but atop a desert plateau for the road stretched straight off into the distance) and followed the dust caked road that led into the horizon. My final thought before I turned away was, “wow.”
End Chapter Four
Skynet
There it is, I hope you enjoyed it. I am still working on finishing Chapter five, so I don't know when that will be out.
Here it is, hopw you like it
Chapter 4:
The rebirth was complete. I had thrown off the chains of my old, ignorant, life and had emerged into the new, real, world, ready to experience and live.
It hit me then, as I climbed out of the manhole I realized how I had thrown off the chains. The first step, in my mind, had been my seperation from the Vault, I had been physically disconnected from the place of my physical birth and I could never return. The mental anguish I had experienced at that time changed me profoundly, it made me see that I no longer had anybody to depend on but myself, I could only look to myself for help. But, it also made me realize that I had total freedom of mind, I could think however I wished and I could develop however I wished and that a brave new world lay ahead of my to develop in. That was the first step in my rebirth. The next step was emerging from that ashen hole in the ground and actually seeing, breathing, smelling, SENSING that brave new world, with this I spiritually left the vault, and looked forward instead of backward. With these two steps I physically and spiritually disconnected myself from the Vault, and was spiritually reborn. After I realized this I thought to myself, “Huh, this is interesting, it would make a good journal entry.’ Then I yawned and had a second thought, ‘a good journal entry AFTER I rest, I’m too fucking tired to write, right now.” I was mockingly horrified at the corniness of that phrase but smiled anyway. Then I remembered where I was, and stopped staring at the ground and looked up.
I was sort of expecting to emerge into sunlight, so I was surprised when I saw I was surrounded by a pitch inky blackness. At first I thought I was in another tunnel and, that thought depressing me, sighed and looked up in despair. When I looked up I saw something so beautiful that it is impossible to describe its full beauty. I saw dots of pure whiteness strung among the sky like particles of sand, at first I did not know what they were but then I remembered, these were stars. I stood their for at least ten minutes in awe of their immense beauty taking in all that I could. I didn’t know why they were so beautiful to me, and even though part of my mind wanted my to explore and analyze and understand this feeling and understand why they had this affect on me, in my tired state I was content to just bask in the pure beauty of the stars. After I had taken my fill of the stars, I looked forward. The ground beneath my feet was rough and gravely and crunched whenever I moved my boots. I tried to take a few steps forward but in this darkness my eyes were about as useful as a large dose of radiation, they still had not adjusted to the natural darkness around then, but it was still better than wearing those damn goggles, at least my eyes will adjust naturally to the day light now. After my failed attempt at walking forward, I lied down and tried to sleep, the ground was uncomfortable and my pack was not that great as a pillow but I was also very excited about the prospects that lay ahead of me, “like a child.” I thought to myself wryly. So sleep came to me in short intervals. I was awoken from one of these intervals by a dull light. I opened my eyes but saw only a grayish blur of fuzzy shapes in front of me. I lied down w/o second thoughts and tried to go back to sleep and after an unsuccessful fifteen minutes of tossing and turning I sighed and sat up and for the first time noticed how much the damn gravel was hurting my body. So I stood and brushed off the gravel that was sticking to me b/c of the indentations it made in my body. After that, I stretched, rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times. What I saw in front of me when my eyes cleared (there was enough light to see coherently by now) was burned, blasted and carved into my memory forever. I was standing on a hill top, the manhole from which I emerged the night before was a few feet in front of me, also on top of the hill (the hill was more one that gradually climbed up from a plain in the distance instead of shooting straight up). Beyond the manhole and at the foot of the incline where a cracked and weed filled road ran was a city, at least that where the biggest buildings of this city were. From the hill I could see the entire city, thousands of buildings lay cracked and open, their material guts littering the quiet roads. They ranged in size from small two story buildings to gargantuan skyscrapers. The two biggest skyscrapers lay situated across from each other, their spires and roofs had fallen and caved in, leaving long, bony, fingers of metal, cable, glass and concrete pointing vainly towards the sky, like the fingers of dead gods. I was on eye level with these two buildings and was staring directly down the gap between the two dead buildings. In that gap was the rising sun, shining like a diamond in a field of ash. Clouds were shooting out of the sun like lances and trumpets announcing its presence to the world. As I stared (sort of, I had to protect my eyes) at that orb I knew once and for all that hope did exsist in this wasteland, looking at that orb exstingusihed any doubts I may have held about the wasteland. I stood there for awhile pondering this moment, surrendering to my reason and my curiousity. I made a journal entry outlining that outlined what I had thought.
It read, “Last night I saw the stars for the first time, and today I saw the sun for the first time. Both instilled in me a feeling that I have never felt before, I cannot explain what exactly this feeling is but it felt like a strange mix of happiness, hope, gleeful outrage, nostalgia, love, and surprise. It was a very strange feeling, I had never felt it before. Perhaps this is what exsistence was meant to feel like, joy on a grand scale. Or maybe it was a gaining of an understanding of one of the fundamental truths of life. I would say that truth is that existence is life, that the point of existence is to exist, that we exist simply to exist. But then where do all these other “points of life” come from like that the point of existence is too help others, or that the point is to compete? It seems to me that these may be false truths, humans created these false truths to explain itself, to advance the ambition of petty individuals or perhaps because the could not handle the fact that life was as simple as that. Existence is a concept, a concept is not in of itself moral or amoral, and it is not any other concept. We apply morality and other concepts to concepts, for example the concept of killing, we think of it as amoral, which it is. But, is the concept of killing, in of itself amoral? How could it be, it is a concept not a mind, it has no sense of morals, it just is. Humans applied the concept of morality to other concepts. Even the concept of morality is moral because that is what it is, the concept of killing is not moral or amoral because that is what it is not. The concept of Morality is the concept of Morality, The concept of Killing is The concept of Killing, The concept of Killing is NOT the concept of Morality (jeez, that’s a lot of concepts). Perhaps I should just say that Concepts are themselves not each other. The point of concepts is also themselves, the point of killing is killing, the point of morality is morality. So therefore it would be irrational to think at this stage that the point of existence is anything less or more than existence. Of course this could be flawed, it probably is, this is just spur of the moment thinking, the question that I have now presented myself with, what is existence and what is life, will need to be thought and pondered over much more before I will feel confident with the solution. I have a sense of doubt that has always hounded me when I think like this, I guess it’s a good thing because it causes me to constantly question my solutions and allows me to refine my thoughts. These questions are very interesting to me, I have a curiousity, I want to answer them, I want to understand them, its like a need. I will investigate these questions later and examine the conclusions drawn and the way these conclusions were drawn later.”
With that my journal entry ended, I wonder why I put in that last part, perhaps it is to remind myself to come back to this or reassure myself that I will come back to these question. After I put my journal away I lifted my back pack onto my shoulders and turned away from the rising sun (I now saw that I was standing not on top of a hill but atop a desert plateau for the road stretched straight off into the distance) and followed the dust caked road that led into the horizon. My final thought before I turned away was, “wow.”
End Chapter Four
Skynet
There it is, I hope you enjoyed it. I am still working on finishing Chapter five, so I don't know when that will be out.
