From the S of J... The Phoeniz gets riffed! (sorry, William)

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Yeah...I know, I was supposed to be working on Part 4 of TCOTWF...but I got stuck halfway though and got to editing my old stuff..

Anyways, for those who haven't visited the Illuminati message boards...here it goes...enjoy! :)

Ah, it's better to read this if your browser has its text size set to "smaller" or less...

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I got this idea last night. Someone rented out FIYAR for an all-nighter Counterstrike tournament. Guess who's
			stuck babysitting?

			And so, amid the sound of the theme song from "American Pie", blasting OBSCENELY LOUD, and cries of "Eat
			this, Dickhead!", "Fuck you!", and "Suck on this!!!", I made this demented thing.

			

			Goddamn sophies....

			
			[P ALIGN=CENTER]------------------------
			

*a Sherman Tank rolls into view, and bounces off an invisible pothole. It swerves over and spills out to the
			side. A cow, wearing a yellow football helmet pops out of the hatch and looks at you with a pair of strangely intelligent
			eyes. It hands you a paper-wrapped package then began to jack the tank upright. You examine the package and a bright
			red label catches your eye.

			

			"With full apologies to William", it says.*  

			

			Warning: It's just all in harmless jest. Please..don't kill me. I want to live to see Fallout 3!!
			[P ALIGN=CENTER]-------------------------------------------
			



			 In the not too distant future, next Sunday AD, Dr. Clayton Forrester made history when he launched a janitor and
			two robots into space on the Satellite of Love. 

			His sinister plan was: To conduct an experiment on the mental strain that bad movies cause to the human psyche.
			He bombarded the the Sattelite with horded of C- and D class movies, but ultimately, the experiment fell victim
			to budget cuts after ten years of syndication on two cable networks.

			However,  many new and enterprising mad scientists, fictional characters, and hijacked lounge rats were piqued
			bythe concept. Over the past five years, there have been thousands of copycat experiments in which three or more
			halfway sentient beings were launched into space at random and forced to watch, read, or listen to really, REALLY
			bad material. 

			

			And here is one of them...

			
			%theme music>

			

			In the not-too-distant future,

			This coming Tuesday, you see

			There was this boy named Bluepencil

			Not so different from you or me

			He worked at FIYAR Institute,

			Just another guy in a green jumpsuit...

			He did a great job cleaning up the place,

			But his bosses really hated himmm...

			So they shot him into _space_!!!!

			

			(The mad, mad Dr. Alchitran peers into a computer printout and laughs maniacally. )

			

			We'll send him sucky fanfics

			The worst we can find  (yubyub)

			He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind  (yubyub)

			

			Now keep in mind B-pen can't control

			When the fics begin or end  (yubyubyubub)

			Because he used those special parts

			To make his robot friends;

			


 		ROBOT CASTING:

			

			 CowLord: Master of the Pasture

			'Izz it in PDF?!!'


			

			 Gummert: The bubblegum sage

			'Whit...pass the popcorn'

			


			 Sparks: Multicultural vacuum cleaner

			'Like, cool, mon.!'

			


			 Crawler: Drain plug. No further explantion necessary.

			'*lecherous grin*'

			

			If you're wondering how B-pen eats and breathes

			And other science facts  (yubyub)

			Then repeat to yourself

			*It's just a RIFF*

			You should really just relax.....

			for the BOOJUM'S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER!

			

			---------------------------------------------------------------------

			

			  Space, is really, really empty. That is, until George Lucas had his way with it. Now, SOUND became an integral
			part of Outer Space, and to hell with the fact that sound needs a medium to travel with...  

			  So it was without much difficulty that we can pick up sound of somebody singing RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND OFF KEY..
			Having nothing better  to do, the camera spins around to locate the source of the noise.


			

			  It is coming from the insides of canister-shaped sattelite, with iridiscent wings of light-absorbing solar panels.
It revolved slowly, like a creature in extreme pain.

			 

			  The camera has had enough. The DEMONIC SOUND MUST STOP!!! It charges the sattelite and explodes into millions
			of pieces of expensive junk as it impacts against the titanite hull.

			

			  Ahem.

			  

			  New camera.

			___________________

			


			  CowLord cringed, and hid behind the bunker he constructed out of foam LEGOs. 

			  "~Annnd SHEEEEEEEE weel be WAITEEEN' BY THE WEENDOOOWWW!!!!~"

			  "*Mooonnnggghhhh*", he moaned.

			  Something had to be done. He was created by his Master, the man Bluepencil, to be the perfect Cow-Butler. He
			would give his electronic life for his Master, were it necessary. Right now, it seemed that he would be doing just
			that.

			  "<I do zis for your sake, B-pennnnnnnn!!!>", he said to himself as he bellowed and charged. He rammed through a vibrating steel door like so much balsa wood and leapt at Bluepencil with a battle-cry.

			  "WARK!", was the only thing he could say, before a Nerf brick(tm) was shoved down his throat.

			  


			  And behold, there was much rejoicing.


			 

			  B-penl spat out the foam brick and glared at the purple Mechanoid Cow that cringed and bowed before him.

			  "You could have just told me to stop, you know..."

			  CowLord lifted his gaze. "You are not angry?"

			  "Nah.", he said with a wave. My throat was getting dry from all that screaming anyway. I sure could
			use a cup of coffee, though."


			

			  CowLord handed him a steaming cup of the finest Mocha Coffee he could make.

			 

			  "CALLING THE BLUEPENCIL DeCK..CALLING THE GUY WITH THE PENCIL DeeCK.", came an ehoing voice from the
			intercom.

			  


			  *spprfff!*, B-pen sprayed CowLord's face with sweet brownish liquid. He stomped over to the wall-com and yelled
			into it, "DAMMIT! WHO LET *CRAWLER* GET HIS HANDS ON THE P.A. SYSTEM!!!!"

			

			  *scuffling sounds* "Gimme that! Sorry, boss. The Ground Below wants our heads again..."

			  "Thanks, Gummert. Let's get this over with, okay?"

			  CowLord wiped his face and pushed a button on a nearby control panel. He and Bluepencil *fzzmmm*'ed out of existence,
			in Cheap-O (tm) special effects pirated from old Star Trek reruns.

			 

			  They reappeared in a Theatre Hallway, with the ticket counters n' everything. One wall of the theatre hall was
			nothing but an immense TV screen, however. 

			  A vacuum cleaner sporting Jamaican curls wheeled over to the screen and turned it on. "Like, go ahead, bugger-mon."

			

			  A face flickered into the screen. It is a lined, white-moustached man, who had crazed look in his eyes. "Well,
			well, well....I see that you are all doing just fine and dandy up there... How's life?"

			  "Very good without you, Doctor."

			  "Tsk.", Dr. Alchitran tsk'ed. "And here I was going to give you all a gift out of the kindness
			of my heart. You wound me deeply with your distrust.."

			  "I have a ticking alarm clock in my chest, but that's MORE than what you'll ever have!", quoth Gummert,
			and waved his mettalic claw at the face on the screen.

			     

			  Dr. Alchitran sighed. "Enough of this pointless banter. On with the torture!"

			  Trap doors open under feet, hooves, wheels, and treads. Our protagonists fall down into a banded slide. ruffling
			through several psychedelically-colored curtains along the while. The ride ends with them being dumped into a pre-arranged
			seats in a old-style movie theater. 

			  "Ow.", cried Gummert. "For some reason, CowLord's slide was aimed at *my* seat."

			  Crawler tried to look innocent.

			  "Shh. It's starting.."

			 

			--------------begin>

			


			

			>>Chapter 1: Phoenix [A.E] (by William  


			

			B-pen: Hmm....seems familiar somehow.

			Crawler: Isn't he the one who wrote that fic with the really sick steamy scenes about Ian and the Vault Dweller?

			Gummert: WHAT?!! NO!!! How *dare* you impinge upon the character of one of the most famed Fallout ficmen!

			Crawler: Oh, well..my mistake.

			B-pen: The only mistake was building you in the first place..

			


			>><mailto: [email]order_intelligence@hotmail.com[/email]?subject=Interactive Fiction>  >>><mailto: [email]order_intelligence@hotmail.com[/email]?subject=Interactive
			Fiction> >>><http://theorder.vault13.net/>  <http://theorder.vault13.net/>, added on January
			16, 2001)	


			

			B-pen: Ahh...plug! plug! plug!

			Gummert: Stop it.


			

			>>Mars Mining Corporation. Voice recorder type BMO 3851/4, spaceship Phoenix. 

			>>Current mission: Re-contact Earth, search for remnant civilization. 

			>>Log file name: Phoenix Mission 4   

			>>08:00 11-22-2152  

			>>Well, this is it. We took of only seconds ago and I’m homesick already! 


			

			B-pen: Well, if it takes my ship eight hours to clear a platform, I'd be homesick too. (Midnight or noon is the
			best time to make a launch...pun! bad pun! extremely bad pun! kill me now!)

			Gummert: If it takes eight hours to take off..imagine how long it would take to get to New York.

			Crawler: But..why would they want to go there anyway?

			B-pen: Good point. 


			

			>>The Phoenix is a good ship, but only 5 crewmen on a 3 month travel in a ship that isn’t 

			>>much bigger than my kitchen at home is stupid, no, call me pessimistic, but I have a 

			>>very, very bad feeling about this. 


			

			B-pen: And it is after only three months out in space, that they discovered the horrifying fact that the designers
			had neglected to build a toilet.


			

			>>Flying this thing for 3 months to a planet on which all life has most likely been 

			>>eradicated 76 years ago is madness, 76 years people! 76 years since the bombs fell! 


			

			Gummert: Now here is an interesting tidbit. What is a years people?

			B-pen: It's probably people years. 76 people years...

			Gummert: But...there are dog years..and cat years...what is a people year? It can't be guaged on the basis of orbits..after
			all, we're on Cygnus Beta.

			B-pen: Approximately 12  'droid years.

			Crawler: *pops up suddenly* Hey! Why is our lifespan so much shorter than humans? After all, were made of sterner
			stuff...so we should last longer.

			B-pen: That doesn't take into account the dismembering I am going to give annoying 'bots when I get pushed.

			Crawler: *hides*


			

			>>Well, back to business, the checklist was fully completed and the only 

			>>thing missing were the backup oxygen tanks, even though admiral McKane said 

			>>they wouldn’t be necessary, this doesn’t contribute to my feeling about the 

			>>mission. I hate those pencil pushers. 


			

			B-pen: Who needs oxygen? It's a proven fact that we can live in outer space without it. Just ask Sam the Gecko.
			Or Vaughn.

			Gummert: Must you insert vauge SF trivia needlessly?

			B-pen: Hey, I needed to get him for that pencil-pusher remark. But no, I do not have a pencil fetish. NEXT!

			


			>>13:46 11-29-2152  We have been flying for a week now and I’m so bored you 

			>>wouldn’t believe it. 


			

			Crawler: He should have learned to *mmfff*!

			Sparks: Don't make me hurt you, mon.


			

			>>Anyway, Jeff is in charge of engineering now, since Katja burned her hands 

			>>on the fuel manifolds. Ramon is now assisted by Katja in cultivating food 

			>>in the back. Yech, I hate veggies! 


			

			Crawler: Two guesses why Katja likes cultivating vegetables. Hint: Eggplant...

			Sparks: *slams Crawler over the head with a big wooden sledgehammer* I warned you, mon.

			


			>>Simon and I are in charge of navigation.  

			>>00:21 12-02-2152  I almost got killed today! Some [unknown word] rock hit 

			>>the front window, so now I can’t look through it! I don’t need the front 

			>>windows to navigate, it was just that I like to look outside every once in 

			>>a while. It nearly got me a heart attack too! Oh, by the way, Katja’s 

			>>cooking is horrible!  


			

			B-pen: A rock?

			CowLord: It is strange zat such a sophisticated ship would only have one main window.

			Crawler: Cooking? Katja? (imitating William) Well, it's not really that horrible...I just don't get where she finds
			all these strange-shaped fruit....I'm tired of eating cucumbers, egplant, and other tobular vegetables...and sticky
			rice *grin*

			B-pen: *narrows his eyes at Sparks, then nods*

			Sparks: Like, with pleasure, mon.

			Crawler: *tries vainly to shut down his pain receptors*

			


			

			>> 08:00 12-10-2152  Jeff burned his [unknown word] hands on that [unknown 

			>>word] manifold as well! People, listen, please. If it hurts so much, just 

			>>DON’T TOUCH IT! Katja isn’t well yet, so I’m going to have to do 

			>>maintenance for a while, so Simon will have to navigate alone for a while. 

			


			B-pen: Say something..

			Crawler: ngghhh....

			B-pen: Good.


			

			>> 10:39 12-10-2152  Raaaah! [most likely: Got-dam-it]! I burned my [unknown 

			>>word] hands on that [most likely: dam] manifold! If I get this satanic 

			>>mother[unknown word] son of a [unknown word] who made this engine in my 

			>>hands I’ll twist his [unknown word] neck around at least 5 times! Simon 

			>>takes over. 


			

			Crawler: He's too hyper. Too much repressed agression. If he'd just keep his hands off the freakin' manifold and
			jerk off once in awhile, this wouldn't happen.

			B-pen: *sigh* I'll say this for you, Crawler. You're dumb as hell, but you're persistent. 

			Sparks: *grins as he hefts his sledgehammer.*

			Gummert: Are you sure you didn't program masochism accidentally?

			B-pen: Absolutely.

			


			

			>> 09:00 12-16-2152  Katja is back in engineering, the cooking has improved 

			>>and ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE [unknown word] ROCKS HIT THE WINDOW AGAIN!  

			


			B-pen: Booooobbbb!!!

			CowLord: ....


			

			>>23:16 12-20-2152  Guess what!? The [unknown word] computer crashed! It 

			>>displayed something about credit cards, shareware and Windows 2075. I heard 

			>>Simon say something about that he told them to use LINUX or something. 


			

			B-pen: I'm not even going to touch this one. It's too klippy. Care to try, Gummert?

			Gummert: No. Crawler?

			Crawler: Why use a Caddilac to swat a fly? No.

			Sparks: Like, they should think different, mon.

			


			>>Personally, I prefer… STAYING HOME!  

			


			Sparks: Like, amen. 

			B-pen: ~Oh, take me hooooooomme to-

			Gummert: AAAHHH! GRAB HIM!!

			*All 'bots tackle B-pen and prevent him from singing, by tying him up into knots and stuffing a Power Ranger Beanie
			Baby(tm) down him mouth.*

			B-pen: Mggnnfggrgggff..*glares*

			


			>>02:42 12-24-2152  I promised never to tell anyone, but… ‘em… 

			>>William is kind of a sleepwalker and last night… he… 

			


			B-pen: Made a concession to Michael Jackson?

			Gummert: Fixed the manifold, so it wouldn't burn anybody?

			Crawler: Snuck into Katja's room and s-

			Sparks: *WHAM!* 

			


			>>eh… kind of sleepwalked… out of the airlock. 

			


			Crawler: Well, if he spent his nights some other way...he wouldn't feel the need to sleepwalk...

			Gummert: Please, hurt him again. Hope springs eternal that he'll learn one of these days...

			


			>>Well, that puts me, Simon in charge. To bad though, sometimes he could be 

			>>nice. Oh, before I forget, merry Christmas. 


			

			B-pen: And all through the ship, not a creature was stirring...

			Gummert: <Santa> OWWW!!

			Crawler:  <Wllliam's ghost> I told you..keep your hands off the freakin' mainfold! Jeezus! What is it with
			these people?

			B-pen: <Manifold> hehehehe.....I rule....


			

			>> 0:00 01-01-2153  Happy new year.  

			>>10:31 01-20-2153  Sorry you had to wait so long for an update, but I 

			>>lost this [most likely: dam] thing again. Well, we were hit by some small 

			>>debris. It looks worse than it is, but those scratches and dents don’t make 

			>>this flying pile of jump look any prettier. The crew is getting scared of 

			>>what we might find back on earth. Ramon came up with some ridiculous story 

			>>bout mutants and walking dead, I told him to stop, cause he was scaring… 

			>>ahem… me. 


			

			B-pen: Scary? You're in a ship. With people who sleepwalk out of airlocks. With Jay and Silent Bob throwing rocks
			in your face. With a biogeneticist who spends her time making phallic-shaped carrots. And a jumping hull.  I'll
			keep Earth, thank you.

			Gummert: Blueepenn...

			B-pen: What?

			Gummert: Why is is that you can make comments like that and we can't?

			B-pen: I'm the author. I have rights.

			Crawler: UNFAIR!


			

			>>Mars saw the missiles coming a year before impact and had all the time to 

			>>stop them, earth didn’t, those missiles struck in minutes. 


			

			B-pen: (imitating  radioman) We've got missiles on three o' clock, sir.

			Gummert: (imitating an Overseer) What kind?

			B-pen: Nuclear ones, sir.

			Gummert: Oh, nothing to worry about, then..

			B-pen: But sir...they're nukes! One could wipe out our entire station.

			Gummert: Tell me something, radioman...can you see the missiles?

			B-pen: Yes, sir.

			Gummert: Describe them.

			B-pen: Well...they're missiles. With the nuke sign painted on the nose.

			Gummert: How big?

			Crawler: Seven hard inches, sir! 

			Gummert: *bang!* I meant the missile. *holters gun*

			Crawler: *dies*

			B-pen: I estimate about three hundred feet in length, sir.

			Gummert: Then how are they supposed to reach Mars? It would take a missile a mile long to pack enough fuel to reach
			us.

			B-pen: ....

			B-pen: The missiles are turning back sir.

			Gummert: Where are they landing? 

			B-pen: Upstate New York. And Chicago.

			Gummert: Kewl. I'll have to get a shot of the devastation to hang on my wall to inspire me.. 

			B-pen: I'd like a five-by-four glossy, too.


			

			>>It took me over an hour to explain them why we’re landing in the former US, 

			>>I had to ask them how many languages they speak besides English and tell 

			>>them that the only runway long enough to lift of again was Groom lake. As 

			>>for the languages, I do hope Jeff realizes that all the ancient Romans are 

			>>dead. 

			


			B-pen: Ae? Rikka noje terga guhrthi!

			Sparks: Like, mir goel delo!

			Gummert: Stop it! Speak in tongues we can understand!!

			B-pen: Kagaton mo..... (Bite me.)

			Gummert: ARRRGHHH!!!


			

			>>19:00 01-23-2153  We got a clear view at earth today and the radar picked 

			>>it up. Some bad news, our communications array was damaged, katja wanted to 

			>>go out and repair it, but slowing down would mean losing energy, which we 

			>>can’t afford. And most of all it would mean wasting oxygen AND WE DON’T 

			>>HAVE BACKUP TANKS! We’ll repair the ship once we’ve landed in about 3 

			>>weeks. This report will be confirmed by katja once we return, so I can 

			>>explain the radio silence.  12:53 01-31-2153  We had to let go of the 

			>>back-section of the Phoenix, because of explosive danger after a meteorite 

			>>impact on it. We won’t be able to get back.  

			


			B-pen: The point of no return...the Van Hallen point.

			Crawler: Resistance is futile. Your brain will turn to ooze.

			Gummert: Somehow...I fear that the ship has been misnamed.

			Sparks: See the nameplate, mon? It looks like its been overpainted.

			CowLord: *leans close* It zeems to be supposed to spell...*Pinto*..

			Gummert: Ah, that explains lots.


			

			>>06:04 02-04-2153  We have a good look at earth now. God it’s beautiful.  


			

			Gummert: He's blind.


			

			>>08:00 02-07-2153  None of our messages, send with our short range 

			>>communicator, to earth or the moon have been answered, the crew, including 

			>>me, is loosing it. Maybe they are dead. We can see the ISS, Lunar 1 through 

			>>5 and the Enclave Net Satellites, a deteriorated by lack of maintenance.  

			


			Sparks: You can't lose what yo never had in the first place, mon.

			B-pen: There can be only one Net, and they lost. *sings a dirge to Netscape*


			

			>>10:20 02-09-2153  We’re close enough to see. Earth is a desert planet now. 

			>>Only in the rainforests and other low populated areas the bombs didn’t 

			>>drop, so basically there still has to be life. We are landing in the US 

			>>however, which has been totally devastated.  

			


			B-pen: I told them it was a bad idea to change the flag into a Microsoft logo but nooo....

			Crawler: Allahum Akbar! We're Number One!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! DIE, CAPITALIST SCUM!! ALL HAIL THE MAHDI!  AND....may
			we go kill the AOL guy now, sir?

			Gummert: <Steve Jobs> Sure. 


			

			>>13:41 02-12-2153  We’ve landed 

			>>and found survivors! They are attacking us. I can’t stop the auto defense 

			>>turret. They’re attempting to surrender, but the only one with the proper 

			>>clearance to override sleepwalked out the [unknown word] airlock! [most 

			>>likely: Dam] you William! And someone program [unknown word] and [most 

			>>likely: dam] in this [unknown word] thing!  


			

			B-pen: Denial...is such a pitiful sight.

			Gummert: Did he fall..or was he pushed?

			CowLord: And why is Katja grinning like zat?

			Crawler: <Katja> These dildos are mine! And mine alone!

			B-pen: Crawler!!

			


			>>13:56 02-12-2153 US slang language installed.  Goddamned! Fucking! Yes it 

			>>works. None of the attackers is alive anymore. Ramon was still outside when 

			>>the doors closed and the auto-defense kicked in. He was standing between 

			>>the turret and a target, not a pretty sight. That leaves just me, Katja and 

			>>Jeff.  


			

			B-pen: I'll say it for those Raiders, they're durable. It took two goddamn days for them to die.

			Gummert: Durable, but idiotic. Didn't even try to run...Like someone I know.

			Crawler: ... 


			

			>>14:12 02-12-2153  Damn! The buggy was in the back-part of the Phoenix, the 

			>>part we dumped! Looks like we’re going to be walking. According to the map 

			>>we are not far from Groom lake, where we were supposed to land but didn’t 

			>>because of the fog.  

			


			B-pen: It's a tradition. Hey, at least you won't need to march back.. 

			Gummert: Surely, that was most bad snapper you ever made, B-pen.

			B-pen: Every time. And don't call me Shirley.

			Crawler: That was worse.


			

			>>23:16 02-15-2153  We travel at night, because of the temperatures and it’s 

			>>winter now, so the nights are long. We only got 10 miles forward last 

			>>night, and we should be happy if can get the half of that tonight, unless 

			>>we find new water.

			>>00:43 02-16-2153  We found water, we filled the special issue Vaulttec Mars 

			>>edition water flasks we have with up.  

			


			B-pen: They're in a desert!! Where did they get that?!

			Gummert: Someone up there must love them.

			Crawler: Someone up there has a very sick sense of humor.

			


			>>03:11 02-16-2153  We lost Jeff. He didn’t look where he walked carefully 

			>>enough, tripped and fell down the canyon we’ve been following the last 2 

			>>days. Somehow I have a bad feeling about this mission.  


			

			B-pen: William was chosen leader for a good reason. This guy has a very poor danger sense.

			Crawler: Okay..so whacking off has its disadvantages.

			B-pen: *sighs* I knew hoping you gained sense was too good to last.. 


			

			>>07:25 02-18-2153  We came across a caravan today, when we asked about Groom 

			>>lake everyone warned us about something called a [manually entered: 

			>>WANNADINGO] or something like that. These people have been knocked back 

			>>into the dark ages. When we asked for supplies they wanted payment, but we 

			>>couldn’t pay for anything. So they wanted Katja to ‘entertain’ some of the 

			>>guards. Not to surprising if you’d see what she’s wearing right now, it’s 

			>>hardly anything, she took most of because of the heat in the daytime and 

			>>she was raise as a naturist, so she hasn’t any problems with spectators. As 

			>>said, so done. 


			

			B-pen: *drools*

			Gummert: *drools motor oil*

			Crawler: *takes notes*

			CowLord: *facing camera* That is ze problem with overactive imaginations..


			

			>>We had been going the wrong way all along, we should have walked through 

			>>some canyon, we now have a 10 mm pistol and 8 bullets for it.  

			

			B-pen: They're idiots, aren't they?

			Gummert: Yep.

			Sparks: No doubt, mon.

			Crawler: Take me back to Codgerspace..


			

			>>10:39 02-20-2153  We found Jeff in the canyon, shot up by raiders, as it 

			>>turns out, this canyon is only 6 feet deep. 


			

			B-pen: Then it's a ditch, not a canyon! If it's six feet deep, why the hell did they pass it on? Do they have spatial
			recognition problems?

			Gummert: Obviously. 

			Crawler: No, they're just total and absolute brainless. Sleeping with a caravan guard? Jeez..

			B-pen: Well, it was either that or *ahem* Simon.

			Crawler: That was ...perverted and hopelessly obscure, B-pen..... now I know why I look up to you..

			B-pen: Thanks.

			Gummert: *rolls eyes* Heavens!


			

			>>Katja has gotten a STD from one of the guards, she begged me not to tell 

			>>anyone it’s Syphilis, oh shit!  20:41 02-23-2153  Shit! It was a mutated 

			>>strain of Syphilis. Strange blisters and other scary things cover her whole

			 >>body. She died a few minutes ago in a very painful and itchy fashion. I’m 

			>>all alone and scared now.  

			


			B-pen: Gross..*grin*

			Gummert: *disgusted grin*

			Crawler: *unfanthomable grin*

			Sparks: *evil grin*

			CowLord: Baka. Sheep bladders, if nothing elze.


			

			>>12:07 02-26-2153  I can see Groom lake from the top of the hill I’m 

			>>standing on already. Some survivors seem to have fortified it and I can 

			>>hear laser and plasma fire all the time, and with reason. Those slimy 

			>>purple things with tentacles are all over the place, I see more purple than 

			>>sand! The look pretty dumb though, I’ll go see if I can reach the facility, 

			>>by evading those things, I’ll make another entry once I’m inside.  


			


			Gummert: Use your imagination. *waves a claw at the screen* It's simple.

			B-pen: More purple than sand...ergoo...it's MUD!! AHAHAHA!!!

			Crawler: Tentacles? Oooh!

			B-pen: *ugh* Settle down, spunky.



			

			>>0:29 02-27-2153  OPEN THE DOOR! PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME, LET ME IN! 

			>>PLEAHEAHEASE! I BEG YOU, I AAAAAAARGH!   

			


			B-pen: Idiot.

			Gummert: When you start jotting down your thoughts while being attacked...you KNOW you're in trouble.

			Crawler: NO! Don't fall for it! Don't open the door! It's the BETAMAX SALEMAN IN DISGUISE!!!

			


			>>Noon 24-06-2238  This story I got from an old techni-thingie, an antiquity, 

			>>which I got from a dusty traveler. He staid he found in the rotting carcass 

			>>of a Wanamingo. I written it down so I could sell the computer again. If I 

			>>would have read this story before letting the traveler go I would have 

			>>asked him some questions, but now questions remain unanswered, one of them: 

			>>‘Is it true?’     	

			


			B-pen: And the truth is...out there.

			Gummert: All lies lead to the truth. Chaos means disorder means opportunity.

			Sparks: Like, it's no shame to admit ya's been yakkin with the ho.. [translation: THE EARLY BIRDS GET THE WORM]

			CowLord: And cheese shall save ze world.

			All: *looks to Crawler*

			Crawler: Umm... Enclave brand Advanced PA......the proto-ceramic condom??!

			All: *groans and falls over*



			
			[P ALIGN=CENTER]end<-------------------------------------------------------------------------
			



			

			Our heroes exit the theater, chatting amongst themselves. The Doctor, in the monitor, scowls at seeing their happy expressions. 

			"Well?"

			"You messed up this time, Dr. A.", remarked Blupencil. "It wasn't that bad. Hell, it wasn't bad at all.."

			"I agree..", agreed Gummert. "It was incredibly imaginative...and he seems to have loused up on purpose."

			"I hav sensed zat too.."

			Dr. Alchitran frowned. "This is intolerable! I can't gather my valuable scientific data if you remain sane!"

			"Sane? Who's sane?"

			"That's your problem, Dr. A. You can't make us mad..since we're one to begin with..", B-pen said with a grin.

			"Is that so? Well, I guess we'll just have to make it more severe next time...."

			"You can't break us, Doctor!"

			"We'll see...we will see..."

			

			The monitor blinked out......

			

			A slight chill passed through the room.....

			

			"Gummert...what did I tell you about tempting fate?"

			
			[P ALIGN=CENTER]_____________________________________________________________________________

			 
			

Well, that's it! Sorry I couldn't make it funnier...

			And William is really a such a goddamn good writer..so that's why I felt challenged to write a MST about his wonderful
			work.

			

			*puts on Advanced Power Armor*

			*burrows underground*

			


			And it's time to watch the fireworks..

			




			

			William: Personally, I prefer… STAYING HOME!  

			
			[P ALIGN=CENTER]~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
			
[url]http://envy.nu/bpen/bp.gif[/url]
[email]bluepencil@envy.nu[/email] | Caffeine is the cornerstone of society.

			
			[P ALIGN=CENTER]
		[/TD]
	[/TR]
[/TABLE]

[/CENTER]

[/BODY]
 
Aw, cmon....

Why isn't anybody loading up on flamers? Daamn...all this asbestos is going to waste.

Okay..for a change..I'll show a RIFF of something else...I just showed the thing above, William, to introduce others to the S of J.. and I added new stuff, which I thought Yamu might like..
No offense intended. :)

Author's rant:
I made the crappy fic a loong time ago...hoping that someone would RIFF it, but nooo..
I have to everything myself...*sigh* :P

----------------------------
In the not too distant future, next Sunday AD, Dr. Clayton Forrester made history when he launched a janitor and two robots into space on the Satellite of Love.

His sinister plan was: To conduct an experiment on the mental strain that bad movies cause to the human psyche. He bombarded the the Sattelite with horded of C- and D class movies, but ultimately, the experiment fell victim to budget cuts after ten years of syndication on two cable networks.

However, many new and enterprising mad scientists, fictional characters, and hijacked lounge rats were piqued bythe concept. Over the past five years, there have been thousands of copycat experiments in which three or more halfway sentient beings were launched into space at random and forced to watch, read, or listen to really, REALLY bad material.

And here is one of them...

%theme music>

In the not-too-distant future,
This coming Tuesday, you see
There was this boy named Bluepencil
Not so different from you or me
He worked at FIYAR Institute,
Just another guy in a green jumpsuit...
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hated himmm...
So they shot him into _space_!!!!

(The mad, mad Dr. Alchitran peers into a computer printout and laughs maniacally. )

We'll send him sucky fanfics
The worst we can find (yubyub)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (yubyub)

Now keep in mind B-pen can't control
When the fics begin or end (yubyubyubub)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;

ROBOT CASTING:

CowLord: Master of the Pasture
'Izz it in PDF?!!'

Gummert: The bubblegum sage
'Whit...pass the popcorn'

Sparks: Multicultural vacuum cleaner
'Like, cool, mon.!'

Crawler: Drain plug. No further explantion necessary.
'*lecherous grin*'

If you're wondering how B-pen eats and breathes
And other science facts (yubyub)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a RIFF*
You should really just relax.....
for the BOOJUM'S MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The Sattelite of Java rotated on its axis, serene and immutable, lost in a sea of time and bad fanfics...

"Hey, guys!", B-pen yelled into the intercom. Abruptly, all 'bot-ish action stopped all over the Sattelite of Java.
Sparks stopped trying to rearrange all Snoopy syndicates into alphabetical order.
Gummert stopped trying to reprogram the cappucino machine to play FIDE chess.
CowLord stopped cooking up a storm.

Crawler stopped trying to paint the Sattelite of Java with the cover issue of Playboy * 15 , lost control of his tautline, and fell directly into the glass widow in the kitchen. It broke, resulting in massive decompression.

"Moo!", Cowlord cried in distress, as he began to assemble a ShermanTank around himself. He *clank*'ed to the ground, pulled Crawler out of the wedge, and stuffed the hole with cheezy pufffs.

The two vanished in a swirl of light pirated from old Sliders tapes.

They reappeared in the Theater(tm), and B-pen was waiting there behind the ticket counter.
"Like, whazzup, mon?"
"Well, I was working on the mainframe when the Ground Below called..since I was on the terminal anyway, I decided to take it."
"Reverse charges?"
"Of course."
"Like, onscreen now, mon?"
"Accept or be SPLUTZ!.", the screen flashed.
"Out with it, Sparks. I HATE splutz..."

The big wall-sized screen on the far wall flickered, and a gaunt, lined face, and greying older man with a grizzly white moustache and a crazed look in his eyes came into view.
"Hi, Dr. A.", B-pen said. "I hope you're under extreme diarrhea."
"I wish you well too, you impudent young snot!", Dr. Alchitran snorted. "How are you boys doing up there?"
"Oh, fine, fine..couldn't be better.."
"Enjoying the company of your bots, are you...Mr. ..heh...
Bluepencil?"
"Uh..sure."
"Are you certain it is all worth it, not to know when the fics begin or end?"
"Absolutely."
"*chuckles nastily* That may change.. " he goes into a full mad scientist(tm) laugh(r), and pressed the button.
Abruptly, the floor to the theather lounge disappeared and our protagonsists felt themselves falling...

They each landed into pre-arranged seat in an old-style movie theatre.
"Zees zeats are too zmall.."
"My seat is too big!"
"I don't know about you, but mine is juust right. *grin*"
CowLord and Gummert switched places, then the movie screen came to life.

----------------------begin----->

An unofficial Bet entry.

Gummert: Bet? What bet?
B=pen: What the..??

>>Warning:
>>
>>This is a Self-Insertion.

Crawler: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Gummert: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
Cowlord: MOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo!!!!!!
Sparks: Like, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Mon.
B-pen: Ye gods. AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


>>> This fic is biased, silly, and is chock-full of gratuitous
>>wish-fulfillment.
>>Like some of my other fics, it is partly a spoof, partly a mirror of real life. It has concepts that had been been blatantly stolen from
>>several places

Crawler: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Gummert: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHuh? He's actually WARNING us that this fic is absolute crap?
Cowlord: ....iztrange.
Sparks: At least he's honest, mon.
B-pen: ...

>>and there had been absolutely no regard for timeline correctness.
>>Damn. I am having so much fun.... enjoy!

Crawler: A Self-Insertion!!! B-pen, what did we do to deserve this!!??!!
Gummert: Bluepen..I have to admit, I'm spooked. There is a definite foreboding tinge here...
Crawler: I mean look at this! The (and I'm using the term loosely...) Author just basically told us he doesn't care for our sensibilites!!
B-pen: Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod.......
CowLord: B-pen? Are you all right, zir?

>>Standard disclaimers apply.

Bpen:OhgodohChthulugodohgodAZuraforgivemeohgodohgodohgodohgodoohJesussavemyasshgodohgodoDienzaluomasamagodohgodohmygodthiscannotbehappeningtomeitsnotmygoddamncooltoyunderstandmonkeybutt.......
Crawler: B-pen! Snap out of it!!
Sparks: Like, it's just another SI. We've faced worse before, mon.

>>---------------------------------------------------------------------

Gummert: It's the line! The line that separates the two faces of corporatism! The line dividing the burgoeis from the poor! The fat greedy pigs from the needy society!
Crawler: I think it's just an S & M whip stretched out real flat.
Gummert: *frowns* Isn't it a little early for that?
B-pen: *shrugs*
Sparks: Like, hey!
Crawler: See...whatever works..

>>Location: Somewhere in the world.

Gummert: Oh, please...can you possibly be more vauge?

>>Date: Sometime between 1900 and 2109

Gummert: ...
Crawler: You asked for it.

>> The sky over the FIYAR lab was starting to congeal with dark,
>>anvil-shaped clouds, the type that accompany thunderstorms. Dusk
>>settled

Gummert: And I settle in this land, and christen it New Duskland! It is a new frontier, where we can build our log homes, foster our puritan beliefs, and drink this tastless beverage I call Duskiezer!
Crawler: It thought we were here to pitch tents, drink booze, and marry our cousins?
Gummert: Why would you want to marry our cousins?
Crawler: Because they look so good...and are even better in bed..hehehe..
B-pen: *groans*
Gummert: It's working!!
Sparks: Like, I told you lifting chessy lines would take him out of it, mon.

>>> across the campus, and the sun cast its farewell rays onto the
>>beige-colored brick buildings.

Gummert: Bye, sun!
Crawler: See you tomorrow, kids!
Gummert: We'll be waiting right here, since we're inanimate objects, unable to move, and we really wish you'd stop annoying us by showing off that you can.

>>A huge cloud mass obscured it soon
>>after and darkness enroached upon the land.

Gummert: Hai! Loyal citizens of New Dusktown! We must repel the godless fascist darkness that enroaches upon our lands!
Crawler: Sieg Heil! The sun will nut stand in our way!
CodLord: Ve vill not stop! We show our buttocks in your general direction and shlop our black paintbrushes with your icky white flowerz!

>>Nobody cared.

B-pen: I do.
Gummert: Geh?

>>The street lamps were there for a purpose, after all...and besides,
>>it was the greatest of occasions, and not even a depressing show of
>>sky would damped the spirits of the people in this august location.

B-pen: Might as well get this over with..I've heard of time zones.. but this is ridiculous!
Crawler: Thaat's the spirit, B-pen.
Sparks: Good to have you back, mon.
CowLord: *grins his bovine smile and hands B-pen a steaming cup of mocha java.*
B-pen: Thanks.

>>Friday night.

Crawler: AIIEEEEE!!!!
B-pen: whoon whoon whoong whoooong ih ih ih ih ih weng weng weng!!
Gummert: What are you guys talking about?
Sparks: You should stop reading Sun Tzu and appreciate better art, mon.

>> The campus was empty, everybody else were either at the various
>>movie houses dotting the area

B-pen: And dot!
Crawler: And another dot!! Ha! I'm ahead twenty-three!
Gummert: What resolution is this fic on?
B-pen: 320 by 240 pixels of sense on a crystal viewscale of mediocrity.
Bots: ???

>>or indulging in some relaxing late shopping at the UP Mall.

B-pen: Ah, there's nothing like shopping late at night..and getting mugged on the out of the store!
Gummert: <Gryphon voice> And the best thing to do on a Friday is..._GET *MUGGED*_!!

>> The FIYAR Lab shone in the deserted Library

Crawler: Ooh! Shiny!
Gummert: ~A beacon in the middle of nowhere...~
B-pen: ~A light in the eye of~
Bots: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
B-pen: Okay! No need to shout..I'll stop. Sheesh.

>>, its single light casting shadows all over the brooding building.

CowLord: It is ze city of ..uh...Broodz..and brooding up, and slightly off to ze side.....lurks......Dildoman.
Sparks: Like, ADVANTAGEOUS!
Crawler:<Dildoman> I, Dildoman... have lurked broodingly up and slightly off to one side for far too long! Where is mine foe!
Cowlord: And from ze..uh..depths of brooding zhadows appearz Gummbo ze Destroyer!
Gummert: <Gummbo the Destroyer> Verily, I dothest!
Sparks: Like, ADVANTAGEOUS!!
B-pen: I think I'll go main the Keith Giffen and the creators of "Ambush Bug" now...

>>People said that the Library was haunted by the ghost of a
>>disgruntled Librarian, who had met her Death at the hands of a
>>possessed Xerox machine.

Gummert: Back! Back, evil contraption!! In the name of Zoroaster Spitama!!! I consign you to perdition!! Off to the boiling oil!!
Crawler: Noooo!!! It's making clear copies off Britney Posters!! We're being flooded!!
B-pen: Must keep mind..not lose to....stereotypicalness....

>> It was nonsense of course, but people still stood away from the ancient structure at night.

B-pen: Like much of this fic...it's nonsense, and we wish like hell we were away from it.

>> A blood-curling scream came from within the FIYAR Lab.

B-pen: And from the Sattelite of Java, upon seeing this load of crap.

>> "Two MINUTES!! JUST TWO MORE GODDAMN MINUTES, YOU IDIOT!!!!",

B-pen: NO GODDAMN WAY!! THE SOONER THIS FIC ENDS, THE BETTER!!
Gummert: Aren't you being a little harsh?

>>Bluepencil swore at the computer terminal. "HOW DARE YOU CUT ME
OFF!!"

Bots: .....
B-pen: Did I ever tell you guys I'm a clone?

>> "Jeez..", remarked Lawrence, the other University Assistant.
>>"When we volunteered to take this job, B-pen, Unlimited.Net.Access
>>wasn't a part of our job perks."

Gummert: Bluepen..you..you..
Crawler: I can't believe it...
B-pen: It's not me!


>> "B-but that was the latest patch..! I can't play without my
>>patch!"

Gummert: After all this time...
Crawler: After acting like the saint...
Sparks: Like, how could do this to us, mon...
Cowlord: Ve had trusted you..
Gummert: You were the anchor we had to a meaningful existence..
Crawler: But the temptation was too much, wasn't it?
B-pen: It wasn't me!!!


>> "You've had the game for a full six months and you still haven't
>>finished it?!!"

Crawler: Sure sounds like you.
B-pen: NO!

>> "Well, ha! Mr. Hot-shot Necromancer...", snorted Bluepencil, and
>>derisively tapped the lenses Lawrence's thick eyeglasses. "Unlike
>>SOME people I know...I happen to like playing games without
>>CHEATING!"

Crawler: ...
Gummert: Okay, we'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time.
Sparks: Like..B-pen? NOT cheating?!! Hell is below zero, mon!!


>> "Dammit, Os-"
>> "Don't say it!", Bluepencil cried

B-pen: And boohoo, he cried. The cupboard was bare!
Crawler: And boohoo, he cried, the condoms were not there. He's getting nada tonight....so beware!
B-pen: CRAWLER!

>> , and tackled him. They rolled

Crawler: Finally..some..action!
B-pen: CRAWLER! DIE!!!
Crawler: I was talking about WWF.
B-pen: Oh.
Gummert: And it's double-sixers! The house wins!
B-pen: Bloody cheats...
Crawler: We lost. We have to continue reading this fic..

>>on the floor for a few moments, and ended when B-pen bonked his head
>>accidentally on the upright coffee machine.

B-pen: Actually, it wasn't accidental at all...the coffee machine, see..it had an Electra Complex, and it HATED this B-pen...since it viewed him as a paternal freudian symbol and..
Crawler: Really?
B-pen: No. The writer just likes screwing up.

>> Lawrence shook the creaks out of his neck.

Gummert: Hello, hello, please to meet you, creaks...
B-pen: Now, get the hell-O out of my neck.

>> "Why can't you just
>>get over it? It's just a name, after all."
>> "It's NOT just a name. It's the most disgusting collection of
>>syllables I know."

Crawler: No, this fic is THE most disgusting collection of syllables I know.
B-pen: Well, that's what YOU know...
Gummert: Why? Don't tell me you wrote something worse!
B-pen: I didn't write...oh, what the hell. Possibly. But I'm talking about someone else's work.
Gummert: And what is that?
B-pen: Atemis' Lover.
Gummert: Never heard of it.
B-pen: Count yourself extremely lucky.


>> "It's just a coincidence that you two happen to have the same
>>name. People will realize that you two are not the same person..
>>Besides that, he's dead."

B-pen: YES! HE IS DEAD! MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED!!!
Gummert: Who is dead?

>> "I still say that he gives me a bad name, and it stays that
>>way...I never liked my baptismal name, anyway."

B-pen: A BAD NAME?!! JUST HAVING THE SAME NUMBER OF SYLLABLES AS _HIS_ NAME TAINTS YOUR SOUL!!!
Gummert: Just who is it??!!

>> "But, BLUEPENCIL ? Isn't that a trifle... quirky?"

B-pen: ...
Gummert: Got ya there.

>> "At least it's distinctive...", Bluepencil huffed.

Gummert: Is it, now?
B-pen: Okay..so it's not.
Crawler: Huh?
B-pen: Look in the modern english dictionary.

>> "Whatever?", Lawrence rolled

B-pen: And a high roller! Will he win??!!
Crawler: It's a lose-lose situation.
Gummert: If he loses, he loses. If he wins, I'll die of envy.

>> his eyes.

Crawler: Snake-eyes! He loses! Sucka!

>>"Be sure to turn off the lights when you're done. After all, the
>>government has to pay for all this..."

Gummert: Since when did the government pay for anything. All things come from the sweat and toil of the exploited lower classes!
B-pen: Actually, when you think about it...the way they promise not to raise taxes come election time...you've got to wonder where all the money comes from, anyhooo..

>> "I'll make sure to milk them for all the pennies I can, you can
>>count on that!"

Gummert: And it's the government brand quality milk. From only the healthiest cash cows..

>> "Anarchist."

Bpen: No, stock trader.
Gummert: No, capitalisic marketeer.
Sparks: No, it's budget spending, mon.
Crawler: No, he just gets it...*lecherous grin*

>> "Haha! See ya later, buddy."
>> "All right...", Lawrence nodded, and left the building. He opened >>the heave metal door

B-pen: Aaand..heave! ho!It's off to work we go!
Gummert: And the door heaved metal and rocked the boat.

>>with a squeak and left him alone in the darkened monolith.

Sparks: Aheyyayyaa...ayyaoooo.....
B-pen: Chuthulu nekar...abin jehar!! *swings pickaxe*
Gummert: What are you guys doing?
B-pen: Diversifying.
Gummert: ????
B-pen: It's an injoke. Don't worry about it...


>> Bluepencil straightened up, and rearranged the furniture. He
>>rebooted up the system

Crawler: /kick north "Ouch! That hurts!"
B-pen: It's the infamous...BOOT! TO THE HEAD!!!!

>> and sat down with a grin. He gave his delighted look around him.

B-pen: It's the FIYAR..SOUP KITCHEN!! Get yer delighted looks here!
Crawler: I know why he's so happy..
Gummmert: Knowing you...you'd probably say that this was the perfect time for him to be.."handling things"..
Crawler: You said it..not me..but you're _right_!!!
Gummert: ...


>> "An empty lab. A coffee dispenser. ISDN connection..

B-pen: Boring plot.
Gummert: Running sentences.
Crawler: Lack of good centerpiece...
Gummert: More filling!
Crawler: Less paste!
B-pen: I have no idea what you guys are about..and it's probably for the better..

>> Nothing bad

B-pen: Evil! is GOOOOODDD!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Crawler: You creep me out sometimes, B-pen ..

>>can happen to me now....!"

B-pen: Wanna bet?
Gummert: Worse things can only happen to us as we read this...

>>He took out a machine from his pocket

Crawler: Dildomatic 5000! Never be trapped in a haunted Lab without it!!
Sparks: Like, now, mon?
B-pen: Wait a while...he's still just getting into it.
Sparks: ...
Gummert: Did you just pull a "Crawler", B-pen?
B-pen: <B-pen> Bite me.
Bots: ???
B-pen: I'm in vauge mode! Cool!

>> connected it to the modem, and grinned as a two-hundred-
>>Mbps connection kicked in.

B-pen: *slap* Now THAT'S Comedy.
Bots: ???

>> You'd think he'd learn by now......

B-pen: <B-pen> All those years in college..and I still can't tie my own shoelaces worth a damn!


>> Lighting cracked over the building. There was another flash,
>>llowing with an ominous rolling thunder. Lightning flashed again,
>>this time with wild abandon, and lashed out at the brick facade.

Gummert: 'Tis a fine line between riffing..and taking advantage of a writer's cornball cliches!
B-pen: Corn? Where?!
Crawler: The fic, of course.
B-pen: Darn. I want my popcorn! Even if I have to use lightning rods to pop them!!! waahh!
Bots: ...

>>Inside, Bluepencil logged on to Vault13.Net,

B-pen: Can it be...
Gummert: OH, YES!!!
All: IT'S A BIG RED PLUG!!!!

and looked up data about the Brotherhood of Steel. Thunder. Lightning. And the deafening roar as everything became blazing white..........

Crawler: Actually, that's me puking due to overused overdose.

>> URO Productions

Crawler: Wait...URINE productions?
B-pen: *ugh* That was beyond tasteless..
Crawler: You all right, B-pen? That was one was wiide open.
Gummert: Stop! You're BOTH just begging for it..

>> In cooperation with the KillBarney Writer's Guild

B-pen: For once, the fic and I are in total agreement.
Gummert: Same here.
Sparks: Then we like, get to work on Pikachu, mon.

>> proudly presents

All: nnggh.

>>> A Bluepencil(tm) crap-o-rama

All: AAAAHHH!!! NOW HE TELLS US!!!!

>> A Fallout Zone presentation

B-pen: Welcome...to the realm..where Normal Things(tm)..Don't Happen(r)..Very Often(tm)
Gummert: Watch for Johnny Bravo on your next exit.
Crawler: Kick him in the nuts kick him in the nuts! Kick him in the-
Sparks: *WHAM!*
Cowlord: ... That waz...undeserved.
Sparks: Hm...like, maybe.
Crawler: nnghh...

>> BEHIND BLUE PORTALS

>> by bluepencil/B-pen

Gummert: Confess!!
B-pen: No!
Crawler: We have photos!!
B-pen: No way!
Crawler: Reheheheheally? Check this one out..
B-pen: Whoa..Carmen Electra. *fzzt* Tell me you have full-spreads....
Crawler: *evil grin*
Gummert: Heavens!...

>> "Shit!", swore Wallace

Crawler: I want to ask just one thing... Why is it that we use shit!! instead of the proper term..feces?
B-pen: Because...it's easier on the tongue.. See? shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitiititititsitititsstitstitstitstitswhat the hell am I *saying*!!! Crawler..you tricked me!!!
Crawler: Ha! Got you! Revenge..is sweet!

>>as he ducked away from a burst of MiniGun fire. Those things could
>>cause rather nasty wounds, as evidenced by the Brother

B-pen: That's one rugged brother..
'Bots: Shut yo' mouth!
B-pen: Hey! I'm only quoting a cliche!

>>that was behind him. He had splattered out and died very painfully
>>under a hail of high-velocity bullets.

Gummert: And tonight's feature: Dali!!!
B-pen: It's the new mural....Brotherhood Kicking the Bucket!!
CowLord: On zale for $50000 minuz inflationary taxzes...

>> Minigun. Ha! It's a big and as destructive as a freakin'
>>bazooka!

Crawler: Fanfic. Ha! It's as bad and stinking as Elvis trying to perform!!!
Gummert: Don't slander the King!
Crawler: The King is dead! Now..imagine him trying to perform...NOW...
Gummert: AAH! Mental image! Make it go away!
Crawler: Say hello to my leettle friend, Meester... Crypt Keeper!!!
B-pen: Whatever..we're outta here!!!

********************

Our protagonists exited the hall, taking advantage of the momentary interlude to refresh their minds, and regain their sanity..or what was left of it.

"B-PEN!!", Gummert yelled. "Don't think that we've forgotten..."
"L-look guys, it's really not what it looks like."
"Oh, really?"
"Really!"
"We can never trust you again...", Crawler said somberly.
"Guuys..."
"Like, c'mon mon...the fic wasn't that bad..."
"It's the principle of the thing."
"*sigh* I know what it means..and I'm not exactly proud of it... I deserve every bit of blame you can throw at me."
"Ha!", qouth Gummert. "So you admit that you wrote the SI, after all."
"No! But since ^2 isn't here, I'll have to take the blame.."
"Huh?"
"It's far too complicated."
"Try me."
"Later..", B-pen waved his question away. "We've got a fic sign!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------
This is just a first draft teaser of the RIFFing project I have in mind. Yamu..William...would you mind prereading for me when it's done? Hell, be a co-author...you're sure to be better at this stuff than me!

Trailer-

B-pen: Nothing bad can happen to me now....!


-------------------------------------
http://envy.nu/bpen/soj.jpg

I need more ammo, guys. Please...help me out..
-it's the freakin' bluepencil!
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
 
RE: Aw, cmon....

>B-pen: Nothing bad can happen
>to me now....!

::Readies his throwin' pinapple::

Actually, I have several whomping methods I favor over my dread island fruit... let's see... there's rolling someone up in a carpet and throwing them off a cliff...

Then, I always liked beating someone with a rake and running like hell...

But nothing... NOTHING, in all the myriad ineffable horrors that the universe has overseen with desperate helplesSness, compares to the pure smackin' power of the CORNCOB!!!

No, I couldn't... you don't deserve the COB, not for *that*... but one of these days, when your back is turned, and your caffeine supply is low, I'll COB 'yer ass up REEAAAL nice!

::Yamu, secure in the knowledge that he's wasted valuable space on the internet that no one will ever get back, decides to meander on to more serious matters::

As for you RIFF, it's rather quite ironic that you decided to do _this_ story(*cough*gratuitousselfinsertion*cough*), which I read for the first time just last night. It's also ironic that you use the phrase "consign to perdition," which was in a book I was reading (Moby Dick, as I recall) ...just last night! Something's fishy here...

::Bumps head on a "hidden" bpen security cam::

Well, at any rate, you show almost Yamu-istic levels of self-deprication in that spoof of yours. A commendable feat, if I do say so myself...

And as for your take on Will's work, I noticed the changes, I liked them, but I didn't comment. Why?

BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE YOU SQUIRM!!!!!

Er, you'll have to forgive me, I've run out of soda, and there isn't much a chronically jobless, alternative-schooled sixteen year old can do to make an impact on the family's grocery buying frequency or habits.

And, just to appease B-pen:

::Loads up his flamer, lets one loose on the Bluepencil::

Oh, damn... I guess I should've checked to see if you'd put your asbestos underwear back on...

(Rambling afterthought to finish off a pointlessly loquacious post: GET ON ICQ, YOU PLOTZ! AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT, GET IT NOW!)

"Nil Desperandum"

http://fallout.gamestats.com/forum/User_files/3a5b0768718cafc4.jpg
 
Hey B-pen

::Drives onto the board in a humvee and opens the backdoors, revealing a cage holding holding a level 58 Machiel::

Well?

::Falls into a depression without any explanation::

I SAID WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION!!!

Oh well, WHY DO YOU WRITE THOSE THINGS SO DAMN FAST!?! What'cha do? Coffee can't be all there's to it! Are you posting things you started writing in 1774, or kidnap 200 Fan-Fiction Authors and make them work for you as slaves? Or those four robots! Yes! That's it! I GOTTA BUILD ME A ROBOT! CORRECTION!!! A MECH!!! YES!!! WRITE MY DARLING! WRITE! WRITE! Oh... that's it?

::Disassemles mech and plucks out dirty underware::

How'd that get there?

I've been this close ::Presses his thumb and indexfinger against one another so hard that his indexfinger snaps:: YOWCH!!! to giving up The Order and chaining myself to my desk... But my eyes start hurting if I look at a monitor for longer than 3 hours...

::Throws his keyring in Machiel's cage::



http://fallout.gamestats.com/forum/User_files/3a7c47d4756dc637.jpg

Tell me, purple and green combine very well, do they?
 
I must concur...

Where do you find the time to write these things, B-Pen? How many hands do you HAVE, that you can type that fast? Jeeze... maybe the S of J was hit with cosmic rays and you recieved superpowers? Perhaps you're just the next phase in human evolution?

TELL US NOW!!

I don't want William to chain himself to his desk, because then I'd have to assume his duties at TO, and I have not the resilience of sanity requisite in such an undertaking.

My theory is, you're a witch who steals the powers of those writers who aspire to your productivity...

::Wields torch and pitchfork:: WITCH! WITCH!

"Nil Desperandum"

http://fallout.gamestats.com/forum/User_files/3a5b0768718cafc4.jpg
 
Given the fact that he is a member of The Illuminati...

He should probably be referred to as a 'Magi'. I'll explain that some other time, right now, I'm late for a meeting which' sole purpose is the planning of the US', which should be finished by 2075 and will probably envolve thermo-nuclear weaponry... but more on that later... right now... I gotta get me some amfetamines... it can't be impossible...



http://fallout.gamestats.com/forum/User_files/3a7c47d4756dc637.jpg

Tell me, purple and green combine very well, do they?
 
Oh, damn.......thanks guys!!

[font size=1" color="#FF0000]LAST EDITED ON Mar-19-01 AT 03:18AM (GMT)[p]And now..just to annoy you..

Crawler: A witch! A witch!

Sparks: Like, I'm no witch, mon!

*B-pen comes in*

Bpen: Hey, what's going on here?

Crawler: We found a witch! We'll burn her!

Bpen: hooboy..Alchitran's finally done it..easy down, guys..

Crawler: Burn the witch!!

Bpen: That's Sparks...not a witch.

Sparks: Like, right!

Gummert: No, he's a witch!

Bpen: Witches are female, remember.

Crawler: He's a hermaprodite, then. BURRRN!!

Bpen ...

Bpen: How do you know that Sparks is a...witch?

Gummert: Well, it looks like one.

Bpen: Let me see...

Sparks: Like, I'm no witch, mon! They dressed me up like this!

Gummert: No we didn't!!

Sparks: And like, this nose is fake, mon. You know I don't have a nose, mon.

Bpen: Well?

Gummert: Okay, so we did the nose.

Sparks: And this hair, mon! THEY MESSED UP DE HAIR!!! It's gonna be caught up in my treads!

Crawler: Okay, so we did do the hair.

Bpen: And..

Gummert: Burn him now!

Bpen: Wait! How.... Did you dress him up to look like a witch?!

Gummert: No.

Crawler: Uh..kinda.

Gummert: A little bit.

Crawler: Okay, so we did dress him up. Burn now!

Bpen: Stop! Why did you think Sparks is a witch?

Gummert: Well, I sat me down and I heard a sound.

Bpen: A sound.

Gummert: A whooooooooiiiinnnnnngggggggg sound.

Bpen: So?

Gummert: I stood up.

Crawler: He's a witch!!

Bpen: He could also be a vacuum cleaner.

Crawler: Burn him anyway!!

Bpen: QUIET!! There are ways of telling wheter or not Sparks is
really a witch. Tell me...what do you do with witches?

Crawler: Burn them!! Burn them up!!

Bpen: What do you burn apart from witches?

Crawler: More witches!!

Gummert: Tables!! Excel! uh...Wood!

Bpen: Good! Why do witches burn?

Gummert: Bacause they're made of wood?

Bpen: eh?

Crawler: Oh yeah..oh, yeah...

Bpen: So, how do we tell if Sparks is made of wood?

Crawler: MAKE BRIDGE OUT OF HIM!!

Bpen: *slaps himself* Arrgh.. you can also make bridges out of stone, right?

Crawler: Yeah..

Bpen: Stone doesn't burn.

Crawler: Oh, yeah..oh, well...

Bpen: Sparks..I built you to handle fluid messes, right?

Sparks: Like, right.

Bpen: Okay. Tell me, does wood sink in water?

Gummert: Yes, yes it does. It floats!

Crawler: Throw it into the pond!

Gummert: The pond!

Bpen: We don't have a pond. What also floats in water?

Gummert: Sharp Pointy Sticks!

Crawler: Apples!

Gummert: Very small, suface tensioned rocks!

Crawler: Plastic Coke bottles!

Gummert: Great gosh gravy!

Crawler: Cherries!

Gummert: Mud!

Crawler: Churches -- churches!

Gummert: Lead -- lead!

Cowlord: Ze duck.

Crawler: Oooh.

Bpen: Exactly! So, logically…

Gummmert: If… it… weighs the same as a duck, it's made of wood.

Bpen: And therefore¾?

Gummert: A witch!

Crawler: A witch!

Bpen: Let's use my (rigged) weighing scales!

Bpen: Right, remove the supports!

*Whop*

*Creak*

Crawler: A witch!

Sparks: Like, help!!

Bpen: Damn. I told you to lay off the lugnuts..

Crawler: Burn it! Burn!

Cowlord: Keep it!

Crawler: Yes! YES! Keep the witch! Keep the witch!

Bpen: But where shall we keep it.

Cowlord: In my cheeze caztle.

CROWD: Yes! YES! Send it to Cheese Castle!!

Gummert: *Yells and leaves*

Crawler: *More Yelling and leaves*

Bpen: Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science, and crowd control?

Cowlord: I am Cowlord, King of ze Pazture.

Bpen: I hereby demote myself....My liege!

Cowlord: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Cheezemelot, and join uz with ze Rectangular Table?

Bpen: My liege! I would be so honoured.

Cowlord: What is your name?

Bpen: Bluepencil, my liege.

Cowlord: Then I dub you Zir Bluepencil, Knight of ze Rectangular Table.

Sparks: Like...can someone untie me, mon..

----------------------------------------------------
I do....I die....I get kicked to the sky!!! *beams up*

http://envy.nu/bpen/soj.jpg
~cause anything less than total and utter overkill is a complete waste of time~:D
-it's the freakin' bluepencil!
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
 
RE: Yeah. That was... something else.

Okay..I'll stop. My spammer insticts are getting the better(yaright) of me..

Hmm...William, I seem to remember an old novel, called the Illuminatus trilogy. Perchance you've heard of it? I've never read it.. but is that where you got the Illuminati from...?

Yamu..what's ICQ? *gets thwopped*
Okay...but I don't know how it could be any use..I'm never on the Net for more than two hours each day...and that only on from in FIYAR.

And I am not insanE!
A litle flaky maybe..
Call me Chip. *poink!*pink!*laughs madly and runs away*

http://envy.nu/bpen/bp.gif
~take an infinity of monkeys and give them an infinity of typewriters and one of them will be ....
-the freakin' bluepencil! :D"
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
 
The Illuminati...

I read ABOUT that book, don't recall my opinion, but I don't recall it being a good one. I never played DEUS EX, thus I didn't learn of them either... I have a friend who is kinda into aliens and conspiracies, and he lend me this book that he thought would suit me, basically, "the history of manipulative cults" by some crackpot. The Illuminati seemed interesting and I've been looking for anything regarding The Illuminati ever since (last couple of months), first it was research for a fan-fic, then it turned into a Guild. What can I say, The Illuminati work in mysterious ways... http://www.illuminati(.f2s).com/ were already registered.

Magi I came across while reading, though they're in fact older than The Illuminati, they were rumoured to have returned and joined them... That's why the whole cult didn't last any longer than 8 years (officially ;-))

http://fallout.gamestats.com/forum/User_files/3a7c47d4756dc637.jpg

Tell me, purple and green combine very well, do they?
 
i feel foolish...

I just did a little reasearch and damn! How have I lived without knowing this..uh..crap?
Kewl...idea! idea! Damn. While one side of me screams that this is all supercilious nonsense, another part feels giddy, if just for the crazy possibility of it. It's improbable..but won't it be fun?!

Zoroaster saw everything as one big web of paganism..who knew that it would be plied as this? My face is frozen in a wicked grin, William. I blame you for it.:P

Arrgh...

http://envy.nu/bpen/soj.jpg
~cause anything less than total and utter overkill is a complete waste of time~:D
-it's the freakin' bluepencil!
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
 
What's a RIFF?

Says the presumable leader of a aledged Fan-Fiction Author Guild.

Is this a RIFF? The Shortest RIFF ever!!!

<><><><><><><><>
>>>Light - The shortest Fan-Fic ever!!!

>>>Chapter one: Light

>>>When God created light, he did not mean for this fate to
>>>come upon the earth...

All:...

<><><><><><><><>

http://fallout.gamestats.com/forum/User_files/3a7c47d4756dc637.jpg

Tell me, purple and green combine very well, do they?
 
Oh, god..

Re: The shortest RIFF ever.

B-pen: ...
Bots: ...

....................

On another side.. are you SURE you won't mind a RIFFing? I don't know if that's even possible..your work is TOO good.

*shrug*
I'll give it a shot. Burst-mode. Thanks, Slinky!
Hey, William..when are we moving to DAC? So we can expand the Archive thingie...

http://envy.nu/bpen/bp.gif
~cause anything less than total and utter overkill is a complete waste of time~:D
-it's the freakin' bluepencil!
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
 
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