Moonsinger
First time out of the vault
Several hours had past, since a fiery red sun had set the horizon ablaze with colours, bringing strange and magical creatures to life in passing clouds. By now the night was spread like a dark blanket over the land, with a half moon casting eerie shadows of the dead plants and cacti that inhabited these parts of the desert.
The heat of day had also vanished, leaving a bitter coldness that bit in her face. But still she was staring to the north, to the home she left, so it seemed to her, decades ago.
The sound of light footsteps behind her broke the spell of her memories.
“Homesick, little one?”
“Sort of.”
“Whaddya mean, sort of? I thought one is homesick, or one isn’t” Despite the rough words, Cassidy’s voice was gentle, him obviously not meaning to hurt her.
“I can’t explain, really. I am homesick, but the home I am thinking of no longer exists. It has been destroyed, and many of the loved ones I left there have been killed. Now those who survived live far away, building a new, a better home along with others. I know quite well I should be happy, and as well that I should be heading there, and make me a new home there. But still...”
“But still…”Cassidy continued”, “…still you miss that what once was, the place of your childhood, your home.
“My home…” Again she stared northwards. “ I never thought of anything else but finishing my darn holy quest, go home and settle down. I kept thinking of the boys I left, thinking which one of them still would be free for me after these years, about the ritual of the new year, about very simple things like rising a family. Now nothing, it seems, is left for me but dreams and memories. None of the boys survived the attack, not my parents, not one of my brothers but one.” She picked up a handful of dust and spread her hand, watching it run through her fingers, drifting away in the wind.
”I tried to tell them about my journeys, about my fears to fail, about things and creatures I had seen. But all they would do was stare, and treat me like some hero out of an old legend, the younger ones always asking about fighting and killing, the older ones hardly daring to look at me.” She grabbed a small rock and threw it away frustrated.
“Oh gods, Cassidy, all I thought of was getting home to my people, but now all I am is a stranger, a complete stranger, because they treat me like some half god, and I am not able to share a single memory or experience with one of them!”
Behind them the dark bulk that was the sleeping form of Marcus stirred and shuffled, the mutant turning around in his sleep. His gentle snoring developed a new sonore quality, sounding like someone trying to start a chainsaw under an upturned tinbath.
She got up, dusting her knees and turned around to look at Cassidy. He held her gaze for a moment, then turned his head and looked over his right shoulder to where Markus, Vic and Sulik where peacefully snoring.
“Walk with me a bit?”, he asked, indicating with a nod in the direction of their comrades that he would not like to wake them, to which she agreed. They walked a while under the now completely risen moon, the flat desert landscape looking a bit like a deathshroud under her milky light.
“It is hard to be homesick”, Cassidy said after a while. “But still it is harder to be sick for a home that no longer exists, because it kills every possibility, however faint, to ever go back there.”
Luna just looked at him, never having heard Cassidy speak so much without being asked.
“Yeah, I know…” he said with a halfway-grin, “What’s up to the old ass, playing the minister? Well…” he paused a while, “…well, I lost my home to, was about fourteen by the time. Went out Gecko hunting, came back a few days later, found only smoking ruins. Parents and two sisters, not a trace of them. I spent a few years looking, trying to become a slaver to be able to track them.” He spat out. “Darn stupid I was, nearly got me killed. Got a bullet though my shoulder one day, and the wound started festering. I barely made it to Vault City, and the Doc there gave quite a fight. Well…” he shrugged. “That’s where my heart problems come from. ‘Cause of the infection, y’know.”
Both were silent for a while, each grabbed by painful memories.
“I then stopped searching, it being ten years since they had vanished. Shouldn’t think any slaves last that long...and anyway…well…thought was…” He broke off, staring into the night. But Luna could guess what he meant.
“You were afraid of what to find. They never could have been the family you knew and loved. They would have been only the ruins of these people, destroying the last happy memories you had of them.”
He kept silent, but she could see his jaw working. He looked away, his gaze into the night, as if searching the horizon for something. She kept looking at him a while, his wiry frame, his weather-beaten face, the dark eyes. The wind changed abruptly, sending her a whiff of his smell, dust and sweat of a healthy male, and felt all of a sudden quite attracted to him. She blinked, wondering where that came from, when he turned his face and looked at her.
“ Too young, “ he said in a hushed voice. “ I was just too young, anyone that young should not have to experience such a grief. You’re to young too, too damm young and to damm pretty to have the eyes of an old and battered veteran.”
She looked away. “An old veteran…maybe that’s what I really am. I fought my war, and now I feel so spent, so tired…and pretty, well, I might have been, once, before I met my share of raiders, slavers, thieves, thugs, mutants and creatures out of nightmares no one ought to dream. I have scars all over my body, and twice I nearly lost my eyes. Oh gods!” She angrily wiped her eyes. “And I am still stupid enough to cry over it.”
“And why shouldn’t you, little one? Cry for things you lost I mean. I forgot how to a long time ago. Tried my whole miserable life not to have anything I could feel the loss of. Or anyone, for that matter.”
For a while, they stood just there, staring at each other, when finally Cassidy pulled her close, holding her head against his shoulder, and in that moment all the miserable self pity, the feelings of loss, hurt, and being betrayed by fate itself loosened up inside her and she cried. Cried out all her loneliness, her homesickness, and her pain, all the while held by Cassidy’s arms. When she finally had cried herself dry and came to her senses, she realised that he was gently stroking her hair. After a while she calmed down a bit, and she suddenly felt quite reluctant to leave his embrace, warm and supporting, and she thought to herself that it had been quite a while when she had had the simple pleasure of a shoulder to lean on.
Even as she was thinking that she realized that his other hand had absently begun to stroke her back, and it felt quite good to her, too. So she just kept quiet and snuggled a bit closer to him, feeling his embrace grow stronger. But as his hand stopped on her backside, suddenly the memory of Metzger’s grinning face hit her like a slap in the face. She gasped and broke free, loosing her balance and landing on her knees, shivering. Why now, now of all moments? She hardly dared to look up, his face showed shocked concern, and something like guilt. “I...I am sorry little one, I really am…I...” She shook her head, “No, Cas, it’s not your fault, I...it is just I…” She drew a deep breath, She would not let him haunt her this way. She had fought worse and survived. She tried to ignore the annoying voice in the back of her head that was sneering “Yeah, and what and how much is it, that survived, pray?” She got her voice under control and continued. “I remembered…Metzger.” “His brows drew together. “Metzger. Why for fuck’s sake are you thinking of him now? I…I just hope you don’t think I…” She lifted a hand. “Cas, really, it had nothing to do with you, only…it...” She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to banish that sneering face. “He was…the first…and last…man I had…”
She could see him freeze. He blinked slowly, once, twice, and stared wordlessly at her for a while. Finally he was able to speak again. “Christ, girl…why? Why, in the name of all….” He broke off, irritated, and apparently hurt.
“I, well, I had the feeling I had to. He was holding Vic captive, and was about to kill him. I couldn’t pay the full ransom…”
He swallowed. “God, I am quite glad to know we’ve already killed that bloody fucking bastard. I would go right now to the den and rip out his fucking balls through his nose…”
They both were still for a few seconds, then he sank down beside her. “Hey, little one, I really am sorry. Old Cassidy’s a dumb old idiot when it comes to women, and ….ach, the hell with it.”
There was silence for a minute or two.
“Cassidy?”
“Yeah?”
“Could you hold me again?”
He swallowed. “You sure?”
“Please?”
She leaned against him and he took her in his arms. She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. Strange, she thought, how the body and the mind can talk such two different languages sometimes. She could hear his heart beating heavily against her cheek, and felt her own going fast as well. If she would only not think of him again! If she only could ban that haunting memory forever, or at least to a place were it would leave her in peace most of the time. If only memories truly were replaceable…
“Cas?”
“Mh?”
“You remember we were talking about memories earlier. About bad memories replacing the good ones.”
It took him a few seconds to answer. “Yeah, what about it?” His voice seemed a bit husky.
“Do you think it could also….work…the other way round?”
She lifted her face to look at him.
“Couldn’t say. Never tried it”, he said, his face unreadable.
“I know you’re not him. I don’t know what came over me. You’d never hurt me, Cas.”
“Never, little one.” His voice was a rasping whisper.
She tried a smile. “Well, couldn’t we try?”
The corners of his mouth twitched. Then he grinned, his faces suddenly transforming in an amazing landscape of smile-wrinkles. “ It’s been a while, though. I wouldn’t know if I remember it rightly…”
“Well, I heard people say that there are some things you never unlearn…”
He laughed softly in her ear. “Could well be, little one, could well be.”
“See now who comes!”, they were greeted by a grinning Marcus. “Couldn’t sleep?”
“What with you snoring away like that, who but you could close one eye?” Cassidy replied.
“Sorry, really sorry. Although Vic and Sulik here didn’t complain.” He was still grinning, likewise was Sulik. Vic seemed, for some reason, just embarrassed.
“But still it seems to me that although you fled my snoring you still did not sleep much.”
“Well,” Luna said with a shrug, grinning, “That’s because we couln’t go far away enough to not hear you snoring without getting lost.”
“Well then”, said Marcus, still grinning. “Decided yet where to go?”
“Hm. I thought of a few things. But I changed plans”
She exchanged a look with Cassidy and said: “I think I try to go home.”
“Home?” Vic got up and dusted his knees. “And where would that be?”
Luna shrugged, and laughed. “How would I know now? Let’s just find out!”
-------
Moonsinger 2005
Any mistakes still hidden in there I hope are excused by the fact that I am no native speaker
The heat of day had also vanished, leaving a bitter coldness that bit in her face. But still she was staring to the north, to the home she left, so it seemed to her, decades ago.
The sound of light footsteps behind her broke the spell of her memories.
“Homesick, little one?”
“Sort of.”
“Whaddya mean, sort of? I thought one is homesick, or one isn’t” Despite the rough words, Cassidy’s voice was gentle, him obviously not meaning to hurt her.
“I can’t explain, really. I am homesick, but the home I am thinking of no longer exists. It has been destroyed, and many of the loved ones I left there have been killed. Now those who survived live far away, building a new, a better home along with others. I know quite well I should be happy, and as well that I should be heading there, and make me a new home there. But still...”
“But still…”Cassidy continued”, “…still you miss that what once was, the place of your childhood, your home.
“My home…” Again she stared northwards. “ I never thought of anything else but finishing my darn holy quest, go home and settle down. I kept thinking of the boys I left, thinking which one of them still would be free for me after these years, about the ritual of the new year, about very simple things like rising a family. Now nothing, it seems, is left for me but dreams and memories. None of the boys survived the attack, not my parents, not one of my brothers but one.” She picked up a handful of dust and spread her hand, watching it run through her fingers, drifting away in the wind.
”I tried to tell them about my journeys, about my fears to fail, about things and creatures I had seen. But all they would do was stare, and treat me like some hero out of an old legend, the younger ones always asking about fighting and killing, the older ones hardly daring to look at me.” She grabbed a small rock and threw it away frustrated.
“Oh gods, Cassidy, all I thought of was getting home to my people, but now all I am is a stranger, a complete stranger, because they treat me like some half god, and I am not able to share a single memory or experience with one of them!”
Behind them the dark bulk that was the sleeping form of Marcus stirred and shuffled, the mutant turning around in his sleep. His gentle snoring developed a new sonore quality, sounding like someone trying to start a chainsaw under an upturned tinbath.
She got up, dusting her knees and turned around to look at Cassidy. He held her gaze for a moment, then turned his head and looked over his right shoulder to where Markus, Vic and Sulik where peacefully snoring.
“Walk with me a bit?”, he asked, indicating with a nod in the direction of their comrades that he would not like to wake them, to which she agreed. They walked a while under the now completely risen moon, the flat desert landscape looking a bit like a deathshroud under her milky light.
“It is hard to be homesick”, Cassidy said after a while. “But still it is harder to be sick for a home that no longer exists, because it kills every possibility, however faint, to ever go back there.”
Luna just looked at him, never having heard Cassidy speak so much without being asked.
“Yeah, I know…” he said with a halfway-grin, “What’s up to the old ass, playing the minister? Well…” he paused a while, “…well, I lost my home to, was about fourteen by the time. Went out Gecko hunting, came back a few days later, found only smoking ruins. Parents and two sisters, not a trace of them. I spent a few years looking, trying to become a slaver to be able to track them.” He spat out. “Darn stupid I was, nearly got me killed. Got a bullet though my shoulder one day, and the wound started festering. I barely made it to Vault City, and the Doc there gave quite a fight. Well…” he shrugged. “That’s where my heart problems come from. ‘Cause of the infection, y’know.”
Both were silent for a while, each grabbed by painful memories.
“I then stopped searching, it being ten years since they had vanished. Shouldn’t think any slaves last that long...and anyway…well…thought was…” He broke off, staring into the night. But Luna could guess what he meant.
“You were afraid of what to find. They never could have been the family you knew and loved. They would have been only the ruins of these people, destroying the last happy memories you had of them.”
He kept silent, but she could see his jaw working. He looked away, his gaze into the night, as if searching the horizon for something. She kept looking at him a while, his wiry frame, his weather-beaten face, the dark eyes. The wind changed abruptly, sending her a whiff of his smell, dust and sweat of a healthy male, and felt all of a sudden quite attracted to him. She blinked, wondering where that came from, when he turned his face and looked at her.
“ Too young, “ he said in a hushed voice. “ I was just too young, anyone that young should not have to experience such a grief. You’re to young too, too damm young and to damm pretty to have the eyes of an old and battered veteran.”
She looked away. “An old veteran…maybe that’s what I really am. I fought my war, and now I feel so spent, so tired…and pretty, well, I might have been, once, before I met my share of raiders, slavers, thieves, thugs, mutants and creatures out of nightmares no one ought to dream. I have scars all over my body, and twice I nearly lost my eyes. Oh gods!” She angrily wiped her eyes. “And I am still stupid enough to cry over it.”
“And why shouldn’t you, little one? Cry for things you lost I mean. I forgot how to a long time ago. Tried my whole miserable life not to have anything I could feel the loss of. Or anyone, for that matter.”
For a while, they stood just there, staring at each other, when finally Cassidy pulled her close, holding her head against his shoulder, and in that moment all the miserable self pity, the feelings of loss, hurt, and being betrayed by fate itself loosened up inside her and she cried. Cried out all her loneliness, her homesickness, and her pain, all the while held by Cassidy’s arms. When she finally had cried herself dry and came to her senses, she realised that he was gently stroking her hair. After a while she calmed down a bit, and she suddenly felt quite reluctant to leave his embrace, warm and supporting, and she thought to herself that it had been quite a while when she had had the simple pleasure of a shoulder to lean on.
Even as she was thinking that she realized that his other hand had absently begun to stroke her back, and it felt quite good to her, too. So she just kept quiet and snuggled a bit closer to him, feeling his embrace grow stronger. But as his hand stopped on her backside, suddenly the memory of Metzger’s grinning face hit her like a slap in the face. She gasped and broke free, loosing her balance and landing on her knees, shivering. Why now, now of all moments? She hardly dared to look up, his face showed shocked concern, and something like guilt. “I...I am sorry little one, I really am…I...” She shook her head, “No, Cas, it’s not your fault, I...it is just I…” She drew a deep breath, She would not let him haunt her this way. She had fought worse and survived. She tried to ignore the annoying voice in the back of her head that was sneering “Yeah, and what and how much is it, that survived, pray?” She got her voice under control and continued. “I remembered…Metzger.” “His brows drew together. “Metzger. Why for fuck’s sake are you thinking of him now? I…I just hope you don’t think I…” She lifted a hand. “Cas, really, it had nothing to do with you, only…it...” She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to banish that sneering face. “He was…the first…and last…man I had…”
She could see him freeze. He blinked slowly, once, twice, and stared wordlessly at her for a while. Finally he was able to speak again. “Christ, girl…why? Why, in the name of all….” He broke off, irritated, and apparently hurt.
“I, well, I had the feeling I had to. He was holding Vic captive, and was about to kill him. I couldn’t pay the full ransom…”
He swallowed. “God, I am quite glad to know we’ve already killed that bloody fucking bastard. I would go right now to the den and rip out his fucking balls through his nose…”
They both were still for a few seconds, then he sank down beside her. “Hey, little one, I really am sorry. Old Cassidy’s a dumb old idiot when it comes to women, and ….ach, the hell with it.”
There was silence for a minute or two.
“Cassidy?”
“Yeah?”
“Could you hold me again?”
He swallowed. “You sure?”
“Please?”
She leaned against him and he took her in his arms. She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. Strange, she thought, how the body and the mind can talk such two different languages sometimes. She could hear his heart beating heavily against her cheek, and felt her own going fast as well. If she would only not think of him again! If she only could ban that haunting memory forever, or at least to a place were it would leave her in peace most of the time. If only memories truly were replaceable…
“Cas?”
“Mh?”
“You remember we were talking about memories earlier. About bad memories replacing the good ones.”
It took him a few seconds to answer. “Yeah, what about it?” His voice seemed a bit husky.
“Do you think it could also….work…the other way round?”
She lifted her face to look at him.
“Couldn’t say. Never tried it”, he said, his face unreadable.
“I know you’re not him. I don’t know what came over me. You’d never hurt me, Cas.”
“Never, little one.” His voice was a rasping whisper.
She tried a smile. “Well, couldn’t we try?”
The corners of his mouth twitched. Then he grinned, his faces suddenly transforming in an amazing landscape of smile-wrinkles. “ It’s been a while, though. I wouldn’t know if I remember it rightly…”
“Well, I heard people say that there are some things you never unlearn…”
He laughed softly in her ear. “Could well be, little one, could well be.”
“See now who comes!”, they were greeted by a grinning Marcus. “Couldn’t sleep?”
“What with you snoring away like that, who but you could close one eye?” Cassidy replied.
“Sorry, really sorry. Although Vic and Sulik here didn’t complain.” He was still grinning, likewise was Sulik. Vic seemed, for some reason, just embarrassed.
“But still it seems to me that although you fled my snoring you still did not sleep much.”
“Well,” Luna said with a shrug, grinning, “That’s because we couln’t go far away enough to not hear you snoring without getting lost.”
“Well then”, said Marcus, still grinning. “Decided yet where to go?”
“Hm. I thought of a few things. But I changed plans”
She exchanged a look with Cassidy and said: “I think I try to go home.”
“Home?” Vic got up and dusted his knees. “And where would that be?”
Luna shrugged, and laughed. “How would I know now? Let’s just find out!”
-------
Moonsinger 2005
Any mistakes still hidden in there I hope are excused by the fact that I am no native speaker
