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[font size=1" color="#FF0000]LAST EDITED ON Feb-01-01 AT 10:11AM (GMT)[p]Chapter 1: Trial of the Chosen
Quest for he Holy Geck
by the bluepencil
Warning:
Okay, so technically I'm not a newbie. But that that got your attention, didn't it? *crow*
Senseless caffeine-overdose spoofing fic alert!
*****************************************************************************
It was eighty years after the downfall of the Master, the passing of the Vault Dweller. And now, after many years, he is needed again.
But we had just said the that the frigger was dead, so we'll have to find a substitute...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
%opening theme music
In a village called Arroyo
Which was sloowly a-dying
There was man, so brave and true...
He was the Chosen One...
To search for the Holy GECK!
His quest, his noble crusade
To stride out into the world unknown
To batter gainst an evil palisade..
With his hands, his mind, his sheer charisma
He will conquer all that stand in his way.
For nothing shall stop this brave warrior..
From having this outrageous play!
************************************************************************
Elder: Chosen One.
Chosen One: AHHH!! NONONONONO!!! STOOOOOPPP!!
Elder: *sigh* Chosen One... it is fate. Do not try to resist it.
Chosen One: Like hell! It's a very painful and excruciating way to die!!
Hakunin: You know what..he's right. That does look painful...
Evil Aunt Morlis: He's a wimp.
Elder: *sigh*...*another sigh* Cut him down... we will find another way to test his worthiness..
Evil Aunt Morlis: No! To walk through a blazing pit of pointy sticks is the only way to test the purity of heart! The Scripture demands it...
Hakunin: We don't have a scripture.
Evil Aunt Morlis: Then what's this sacred book that I'm holding?
Hakunin: A Sonic the Hedgehog(tm) comic.
Evil Aunt Morlis: Oh.
Elder: (face in her hands) I KNEW I should have been a carrot farmer like momma said..
Hakunin: There must be another to settle this... how about the Room Of Doom? The Cascading Caverns of Death??
Chosen One: Didn't we demolish that a few weeks ago to make room for the casino? I should know. I won a fortune.
Evil Aunt Morlis: And you kept them all, you selfish prig!! You don't even share with the family!! If it wasn't for me, you'd still be as poor as dirt.
Chosen One: Because of you, I AM as poor as dirt.
Hakunin: Argh.
Elder: Here. Have a shot of whisky. It will ease the pain... (hands him a bottle of Johnny Walker Gold Label)
Hakunin: Where did you get this?
Elder: I'm an old woman. I have my connections..
Hakunin: (takes a deep draught)
Hakunin: I have an idea..
Elder: What?
Hakunin: Let's call the dumbest person in the village and have him assign the task.
Elder: Sounds like a plan. CALL THE BIGGEST FOOL IN THE VILLAGE!
Chosen One: I'm already here.
Elder: You are? Good.
Chosen One: *sigh*
Hakunin: Tell us, Dumb One, the task we shall assign to the Chosen One to prove his worthiness.
Chosen One: Have him try to copulate with as many beautiful women as possible. If he's still alive after three days, he's goddamn worthy.
Hakunin: Let it be so..
Evil Aunt Morlis: WAIT! Can't you see that he's just taking the chance to screw around ? IT'S TOO FUKIN' EASY AND UNFAIR!
Elder: She's right..
Chosen One: Oh, well.. it was worth a try...
Elder: You must copulate and come back in FIVE days. If you can still walk, we'll bloody name you 'Stud of the Year'...
Chosen One: ...
Evil Aunt Morlis: Argh!
Hakunin: If I was just a few years younger..I'd have been Chosen, too..
Elder: Try a few hundred, you dried up old coot.
Hakunin: Ha! Well, you're well-preserved.. like a gnarled mummy!
Elder: Why you....(sticks a plastic explosive in Hakunin's mouth)
There was much chaos.
**********
The Temple of Trials>>>>
It is a great cavernous structure, filled with a myrad of danger an complicated traps. Pressure-sensitive pads. Mutated critters. The entire collection of Alvin & the Chipmunks musicalla.
Kinda sets you wondering how people who don't know crap about basic structural techniques and trigonometry have built it in the first place.
*clop*clop*clop*
Chosen One: Whoa!
Klint: Who goes there?!
Chosen One: It's me! The Chosen One! I've found the mythical creature they call horses to prove my worthiness and rode it here, to the Temple of Trials!
Klint: No you're not.
Chosen One: What?
Klint: You're using two coconut shells and banging them together to make that *clop*clop*clop* sound.
Chosen One: So? I've ridden through hell and snow to get here anyway....
Klint: We don't have snow.
Chosen One: Where the hell have you been, man! It's a blizzard out there!!
Klint: (looks to the sky. It is clear. Looks to the ground. It is bone-dry.)
Klint: Right: Pull the other one.
Chosen One: It's a miracle.
Klint: I KNEW I should have been a carrot farmer like my Granma.
Chosen One: Just let me in, you big oaf!
Klint: All right..
(The Chosen One enters the gate. Klint grabs his arms before he goes through.)
Chosen One: What?!
Klint: Where did you get the coconuts?
Chosen One: I..uh..found them.
Klint: Where?
Chosen One: By the uh..beach.
Klint: By the beach?! But the coconuts grow only on tropical soil!
Chosen One: So?
Klint: The nearest body of water is sixty miles away!
Chosen One: Whatta beach, eh?
Klint: ...
Klint: This is a temperate zone.
Chosen One: So? Look, birds, geckos and stuff move from one place to another, right? We've got drakes, mynah birds, and two-tailed radscorpions. They don't grow here, but we got them.
Klint: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Chosen One: I was? Damn.
Klint: It's ridiculous.
Chosen One: I'm not saying they migrate. Someone could have carried them.
Klint: Like what?
Chosen One: Deathclaws.
Klint: Oh.
*clop*clop*clop*
Klint: Waitaminit! Deathclaws aren't migratory!! They're strictly domesticated birds!
*******************
Arroyo>>>
Elder: Chosen One. You have survived the Temple of Trials, you are worthy.
Chosen One: *goofy grin*
Hakunin: Oh, bleedin' puss. I hate you, you lady-killer.
Chosen One: You're just mad because I had my way with more women in the past four days that you'd ever had in your entire life. For a wise man, you're dumb as hell. Who the hell thunk up the vow of Celibacy, anyway?
Hakunin: (sulks)
Elder: *sigh* You must find the Holy GECK. It is the only thing that will save our village.
Chosen We already have one.
Elder: We do?
Chosen One: Yeah. They're all over the place.
Elder: GECK. Not Gecko.
Chosen One: Hell, just remove the'O', and it's settled. Who needs a shtoopid quest that will take one to faraway places and a life of danger and adventure, when there are perfectly appreciative women in the village.
Elder: Can you not think above your genitalia?
Chosen One: No.
Elder: *sigh* Just the get the shit out before I stick this spear into where the sun doesn't shine..
Chosen One: If you put it that nicely...I'll go. (runs for it)
******************************
Klamath>>>
It is a raised podium. On the center of it stands a man, barking out auction orders. To one side stood the object to be auctioned. A tribal named Sulik, a dark skinned wonder with a bone stuck through his nose. Soon, the bidding was left to two women, a beautiful wowza of a female, named Shirley, and an old crone.
Auctioneer: Come on! Come on! This a prime specimen of tribalhood here!
Shirley: Me!
Auctioneer: An so we have a bid from Shirley!
Sulik: *grin* I am the strongest man you will find..
Auctioneer: Who gives more? Who gives more? Do I hear ¡®me¡¯? Do I hear ¡®me¡¯?
Old Woman: Me!
Auctioneer: And we have a ¡®me¡¯ from the stinky old woman!
Old Woman: I¡¯m not stinky.
Auctioneer: Okay, smelly, then. Do I hear a ¡®me¡¯? Who gives more?
Shirley: Me!
Auctioneer: And so we have a'me' from a wonderful girl! It's amazing, my prowess...
Old woman: Me! I need a new ranch hand!
Autioneer: The stinky old woman bids again!!
Sulik: I'm not worth it, old woman. I'm a weak and sickly worker.
Shirley: Me!!
Sulik: Actually, I am very hard working. My stamina alone¡¦
Auctioneer: And a ¡®me¡¯! from the beautiful lady! Listen to how incredibly fast, fast, fast I can speak.
Old Woman: Me! ME!!!
Auctioneer: Incredible! That ugly smelly old crone has doubled the bid. Wow, wonderful amazing!!! Do I hear another ¡®me¡¯?
Old Woman: I¡¯m not smelly!
Sulik: (shrinks down to a slumped, depressed state. He raises his eye and casts a twinkled, NAUGHTY gaze at Shirley.)
Shirley: Oh, my. ME! ME!
Sulik: (dances in joy)
Old woman: ME! ME! ME!ME!!!
Sulik: (stops)
Sulik: I have radiation ooze! (coughs and spits a glob of spit.)
Shirley: Ohhhhh fuck! So much for the sponge bath I was going to take with him¡¦.
Sulik: Oh, Grampy Bone and all Spirits, I seek Your aid in this time of need¡¦oh bedamned shit just burn down that smelly Old Woman in a bolt of Lightning!! Please!!
Old Woman: I¡¯m NOT smelly!!!
Chosen One: Me, me, ME ME ME and ME!!!
Auctioneer: We have a sextuple bid!!! Going once¡¦going twice¡¦ Sold to the mystery man in the blue spandex! Thank you! Thank you! You are all a wonderful audience.
(Sulik became free from the hand of the smelly Old Crone. He walks to newfound friend, the Chosen One and here is much rejoicing. They begin their way out of the town.)
Chosen One: Walk fast, Sulik.
Sulik: Why?
Chosen One: Because we don't have any chips. I spent it all on that charming bath house before coming here...
And so they were encirled by angry villagers. Much carnage ensued, and many fell under the Chosen One's hand. However, since the population of the town is 90% female, the Chosen One's hand could be said to have fallen into them, rather than the other way around... ; D
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What will happen to our noble Post-apocalyptic Knights? Will they survive?
Will they find the Holy GECK? Will I show them getting finally getting laid??
Bloody hope all you want...
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
bluepencil@techemail.com | Eat more caffeine! It's good for the environment and good for you!|
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Quest for he Holy Geck
by the bluepencil
Warning:
Okay, so technically I'm not a newbie. But that that got your attention, didn't it? *crow*
Senseless caffeine-overdose spoofing fic alert!
*****************************************************************************
It was eighty years after the downfall of the Master, the passing of the Vault Dweller. And now, after many years, he is needed again.
But we had just said the that the frigger was dead, so we'll have to find a substitute...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
%opening theme music
In a village called Arroyo
Which was sloowly a-dying
There was man, so brave and true...
He was the Chosen One...
To search for the Holy GECK!
His quest, his noble crusade
To stride out into the world unknown
To batter gainst an evil palisade..
With his hands, his mind, his sheer charisma
He will conquer all that stand in his way.
For nothing shall stop this brave warrior..
From having this outrageous play!
************************************************************************
Elder: Chosen One.
Chosen One: AHHH!! NONONONONO!!! STOOOOOPPP!!
Elder: *sigh* Chosen One... it is fate. Do not try to resist it.
Chosen One: Like hell! It's a very painful and excruciating way to die!!
Hakunin: You know what..he's right. That does look painful...
Evil Aunt Morlis: He's a wimp.
Elder: *sigh*...*another sigh* Cut him down... we will find another way to test his worthiness..
Evil Aunt Morlis: No! To walk through a blazing pit of pointy sticks is the only way to test the purity of heart! The Scripture demands it...
Hakunin: We don't have a scripture.
Evil Aunt Morlis: Then what's this sacred book that I'm holding?
Hakunin: A Sonic the Hedgehog(tm) comic.
Evil Aunt Morlis: Oh.
Elder: (face in her hands) I KNEW I should have been a carrot farmer like momma said..
Hakunin: There must be another to settle this... how about the Room Of Doom? The Cascading Caverns of Death??
Chosen One: Didn't we demolish that a few weeks ago to make room for the casino? I should know. I won a fortune.
Evil Aunt Morlis: And you kept them all, you selfish prig!! You don't even share with the family!! If it wasn't for me, you'd still be as poor as dirt.
Chosen One: Because of you, I AM as poor as dirt.
Hakunin: Argh.
Elder: Here. Have a shot of whisky. It will ease the pain... (hands him a bottle of Johnny Walker Gold Label)
Hakunin: Where did you get this?
Elder: I'm an old woman. I have my connections..
Hakunin: (takes a deep draught)
Hakunin: I have an idea..
Elder: What?
Hakunin: Let's call the dumbest person in the village and have him assign the task.
Elder: Sounds like a plan. CALL THE BIGGEST FOOL IN THE VILLAGE!
Chosen One: I'm already here.
Elder: You are? Good.
Chosen One: *sigh*
Hakunin: Tell us, Dumb One, the task we shall assign to the Chosen One to prove his worthiness.
Chosen One: Have him try to copulate with as many beautiful women as possible. If he's still alive after three days, he's goddamn worthy.
Hakunin: Let it be so..
Evil Aunt Morlis: WAIT! Can't you see that he's just taking the chance to screw around ? IT'S TOO FUKIN' EASY AND UNFAIR!
Elder: She's right..
Chosen One: Oh, well.. it was worth a try...
Elder: You must copulate and come back in FIVE days. If you can still walk, we'll bloody name you 'Stud of the Year'...
Chosen One: ...
Evil Aunt Morlis: Argh!
Hakunin: If I was just a few years younger..I'd have been Chosen, too..
Elder: Try a few hundred, you dried up old coot.
Hakunin: Ha! Well, you're well-preserved.. like a gnarled mummy!
Elder: Why you....(sticks a plastic explosive in Hakunin's mouth)
There was much chaos.
**********
The Temple of Trials>>>>
It is a great cavernous structure, filled with a myrad of danger an complicated traps. Pressure-sensitive pads. Mutated critters. The entire collection of Alvin & the Chipmunks musicalla.
Kinda sets you wondering how people who don't know crap about basic structural techniques and trigonometry have built it in the first place.
*clop*clop*clop*
Chosen One: Whoa!
Klint: Who goes there?!
Chosen One: It's me! The Chosen One! I've found the mythical creature they call horses to prove my worthiness and rode it here, to the Temple of Trials!
Klint: No you're not.
Chosen One: What?
Klint: You're using two coconut shells and banging them together to make that *clop*clop*clop* sound.
Chosen One: So? I've ridden through hell and snow to get here anyway....
Klint: We don't have snow.
Chosen One: Where the hell have you been, man! It's a blizzard out there!!
Klint: (looks to the sky. It is clear. Looks to the ground. It is bone-dry.)
Klint: Right: Pull the other one.
Chosen One: It's a miracle.
Klint: I KNEW I should have been a carrot farmer like my Granma.
Chosen One: Just let me in, you big oaf!
Klint: All right..
(The Chosen One enters the gate. Klint grabs his arms before he goes through.)
Chosen One: What?!
Klint: Where did you get the coconuts?
Chosen One: I..uh..found them.
Klint: Where?
Chosen One: By the uh..beach.
Klint: By the beach?! But the coconuts grow only on tropical soil!
Chosen One: So?
Klint: The nearest body of water is sixty miles away!
Chosen One: Whatta beach, eh?
Klint: ...
Klint: This is a temperate zone.
Chosen One: So? Look, birds, geckos and stuff move from one place to another, right? We've got drakes, mynah birds, and two-tailed radscorpions. They don't grow here, but we got them.
Klint: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Chosen One: I was? Damn.
Klint: It's ridiculous.
Chosen One: I'm not saying they migrate. Someone could have carried them.
Klint: Like what?
Chosen One: Deathclaws.
Klint: Oh.
*clop*clop*clop*
Klint: Waitaminit! Deathclaws aren't migratory!! They're strictly domesticated birds!
*******************
Arroyo>>>
Elder: Chosen One. You have survived the Temple of Trials, you are worthy.
Chosen One: *goofy grin*
Hakunin: Oh, bleedin' puss. I hate you, you lady-killer.
Chosen One: You're just mad because I had my way with more women in the past four days that you'd ever had in your entire life. For a wise man, you're dumb as hell. Who the hell thunk up the vow of Celibacy, anyway?
Hakunin: (sulks)
Elder: *sigh* You must find the Holy GECK. It is the only thing that will save our village.
Chosen We already have one.
Elder: We do?
Chosen One: Yeah. They're all over the place.
Elder: GECK. Not Gecko.
Chosen One: Hell, just remove the'O', and it's settled. Who needs a shtoopid quest that will take one to faraway places and a life of danger and adventure, when there are perfectly appreciative women in the village.
Elder: Can you not think above your genitalia?
Chosen One: No.
Elder: *sigh* Just the get the shit out before I stick this spear into where the sun doesn't shine..
Chosen One: If you put it that nicely...I'll go. (runs for it)
******************************
Klamath>>>
It is a raised podium. On the center of it stands a man, barking out auction orders. To one side stood the object to be auctioned. A tribal named Sulik, a dark skinned wonder with a bone stuck through his nose. Soon, the bidding was left to two women, a beautiful wowza of a female, named Shirley, and an old crone.
Auctioneer: Come on! Come on! This a prime specimen of tribalhood here!
Shirley: Me!
Auctioneer: An so we have a bid from Shirley!
Sulik: *grin* I am the strongest man you will find..
Auctioneer: Who gives more? Who gives more? Do I hear ¡®me¡¯? Do I hear ¡®me¡¯?
Old Woman: Me!
Auctioneer: And we have a ¡®me¡¯ from the stinky old woman!
Old Woman: I¡¯m not stinky.
Auctioneer: Okay, smelly, then. Do I hear a ¡®me¡¯? Who gives more?
Shirley: Me!
Auctioneer: And so we have a'me' from a wonderful girl! It's amazing, my prowess...
Old woman: Me! I need a new ranch hand!
Autioneer: The stinky old woman bids again!!
Sulik: I'm not worth it, old woman. I'm a weak and sickly worker.
Shirley: Me!!
Sulik: Actually, I am very hard working. My stamina alone¡¦
Auctioneer: And a ¡®me¡¯! from the beautiful lady! Listen to how incredibly fast, fast, fast I can speak.
Old Woman: Me! ME!!!
Auctioneer: Incredible! That ugly smelly old crone has doubled the bid. Wow, wonderful amazing!!! Do I hear another ¡®me¡¯?
Old Woman: I¡¯m not smelly!
Sulik: (shrinks down to a slumped, depressed state. He raises his eye and casts a twinkled, NAUGHTY gaze at Shirley.)
Shirley: Oh, my. ME! ME!
Sulik: (dances in joy)
Old woman: ME! ME! ME!ME!!!
Sulik: (stops)
Sulik: I have radiation ooze! (coughs and spits a glob of spit.)
Shirley: Ohhhhh fuck! So much for the sponge bath I was going to take with him¡¦.
Sulik: Oh, Grampy Bone and all Spirits, I seek Your aid in this time of need¡¦oh bedamned shit just burn down that smelly Old Woman in a bolt of Lightning!! Please!!
Old Woman: I¡¯m NOT smelly!!!
Chosen One: Me, me, ME ME ME and ME!!!
Auctioneer: We have a sextuple bid!!! Going once¡¦going twice¡¦ Sold to the mystery man in the blue spandex! Thank you! Thank you! You are all a wonderful audience.
(Sulik became free from the hand of the smelly Old Crone. He walks to newfound friend, the Chosen One and here is much rejoicing. They begin their way out of the town.)
Chosen One: Walk fast, Sulik.
Sulik: Why?
Chosen One: Because we don't have any chips. I spent it all on that charming bath house before coming here...
And so they were encirled by angry villagers. Much carnage ensued, and many fell under the Chosen One's hand. However, since the population of the town is 90% female, the Chosen One's hand could be said to have fallen into them, rather than the other way around... ; D
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What will happen to our noble Post-apocalyptic Knights? Will they survive?
Will they find the Holy GECK? Will I show them getting finally getting laid??
Bloody hope all you want...
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
bluepencil@techemail.com | Eat more caffeine! It's good for the environment and good for you!|
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
