In the event of Rapture

welsh

welsh

Junkmaster
As an Admin at NMA, I feel it our responsibility to give you folks out there the best information possible to avoid any plausible apocalyptic circumstance you may one day face (unless of course we have something else we'd rather do).

Today I was going through my University and I came across a little information guide for-

What to do if you missed the Rapture!

Check this-
http://www.mrmalpass.com/
(love the music)

WHAT DO YOU DO?

1. DON'T PANIC

Why Panic? You were going to HELL anyway, and you never panicked before, so why are you going to panic now?
You were just as LOST before the Rapture as you are AFTER the Rapture. So, if you weren't worried then, why
are you worried NOW?
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Bingo. If you're fucked, well you're fucked. I say might as well sit back and enjoy the Wrath of God.

You might have followed the Educated idiots and didn't believe the Jesus Freaks!
Never before, did you believe that God would send anyone to Hell, but you're
about to find out the real truth!


2. WHAT EVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE ANY MARKS OR PRINTS IN YOUR FOREHEAD OR ON YOUR HANDS

This will not only give you LEPROSY eventually, but will also guarantee you an eternity in the Lake of Fire for Participating in Satan Worship. A number connected with the number "666" will be attached to your social security number and to all of your credit card numbers, and eventually you will have to be validated by an electronic device to purchase anything.
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Leprosy.... Hmmmmm..... I can skip that. Then again, Lepers do have some great communities in Hawaii. Besides, what are you worried about? You're going to the fiery lake anyway, and after that, you probably won't have to worry about anything else except whether you're just extra crispy.

3. START WORKING YOUR WAY TO HEAVEN IMMEDIATELY

In the Tribulation, a man must keep the commandments and keep them to the end. If he doesn't, he loses his salvation and burns in hell. You always believed in your works getting you to Heaven...so now it's true. You could have trusted in Jesus Christ as your savior to save you by Grace, but that's gone now. Now that the Rapture has occurred, Christians are gone and there is no more salvation by grace.

Now, you really do have to do it by your works. But as you can imagine, that's impossible.
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This is where I get confused. I mean, based on rule 1 if you're fucked, you're fucked. But this says you've got some chance.

(Can't they just make up their fucking minds!)

After all, you blew salvation through a state of Grace....

Is this some kind of joke? Or an exception to the rule.
These existential questions are.... Hellish!

4. LOOK OUT FOR ANYONE CONNECTED WITH A CITY OF SEVEN HILLS

If someone comes to you with two fingers up, (The sign or a bowman) and in the name of "Christ", they are a deceiver and an Anti Christ who comes to you as a wolf in Sheep's clothing. He will make much of signs, especially of TONGUES AND HEALING and the sign of the cross.
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Now this might not be so easy. Based on the same little booklet, only about 4 million people will disappear. 4 million. But we have a population of about 7 Billion. If you are living in one of those damned countries (like France) then you might not even know the Rapture has passed! Worse yet, if you are living in one of those God Fearing states in the US, you might wake up and find all your friends are gone, and you're all alone.... :(

Seriously though, if the rapture happened, would anyone really know? 4 million in a population of 7 billion? We're talking about 1 person per 2,000!

And wouldn't that suck. Here we are expecting the end of the world and God's Wrath and no one tells us. What a copout!


5. DIE A MARTYR!

Before now, you have never been a fanatic about anything in your life unless it was Sex, Money, Sports or Education. But now, it's time to lay down your life, than take "the mark of the beast". Your only chance at the Kingdom of God and being Saved now that the Rapture has occurred is to either starve yourself to death or to die a martyr defending Christ.
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Well, I guess that means I'm fucked.

I mean- if you're a fanatic about education.... forget it. (Because what we really want is a bunch of dumb fucks to believe this superstitious bullshit)/

Take your choice...Those that will be saved after the Rapture in the time of Tribulation have to love God more than Physical Life.
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Anyway... you've been warned!

this has been a public service message from your friends at NMA, a chartered member of the diabolical and demonic foundation.
 
Frankly I'd find it more believable if the Rapture entailed 4 million people boarding a colony ship to the planet Blisstonia (noted for it's high levels of bliss) and leaving the rest behind to suffer on Earth!
 
Christianity is like a +1 cheating mechanism. Immortality for the masses. I wonder if jesus is still doing that wine thing. In that case living forever might not suck totally. How long does a marriage stand in heaven? Or does god take away our penises maybe? "Welcome to heaven! *snip* sucker!". Man that would suck, but If I were god I would totally do that.

Satan probably wouldn't snip any penises. I mean children can do some serious damage on earth. Imagine hell. That means he allows sex. I am all in.

Reasoning beats faith! 1-0.
 
there's always that infernal pain etc clause in hell, monsharen

welsh said:
Based on the same little booklet, only about 4 million people will disappear. 4 million. But we have a population of about 7 Billion. If you are living in one of those damned countries (like France) then you might not even know the Rapture has passed!
Click to expand...
the real mindfuck being: what if it already happened & you simply don't know about it? :twisted:


anyhow...

biblewarninglabel.jpg
 
SuAside said:
there's always that infernal pain etc clause in hell, monsharen

welsh said:
Based on the same little booklet, only about 4 million people will disappear. 4 million. But we have a population of about 7 Billion. If you are living in one of those damned countries (like France) then you might not even know the Rapture has passed!
Click to expand...
the real mindfuck being: what if it already happened & you simply don't know about it? :twisted:


anyhow...

biblewarninglabel.jpg
Click to expand...

LOL I smell a guerilla sticker campaign coming along :))
 
SuAside said:
there's always that infernal pain etc clause in hell, monsharen
Click to expand...
If God is american, Satan could be french.


I hope someone connected the dots there....
 
No, you fools! France is controlled by Satan because its the most powerful Roman Catholic country and every Protestant knows that Roman Catholicism is Satan's toy!

Of course all us RC types think all those Protestant types are going down as well.

To be honest I like this "what to do if you miss the rapture" rules.
If you missed it, guess what it's too late! That's pretty cold. Almost like the kid on Simpsons who laughs mockingly at everyone else's failures.
 
the education fanatic bit made me lol

as for the 4 million ... can't they dissapear faster ? pls ? pretty pls ?
 
Wait, so 4 million go to Heaven, yes?
Is this before or after 4400 Jehovah's Witnesses are chosen to go to Heaven?
And if Heaven's only expecting 4400, would you really want to be one of the 4 million crammed in there?
 
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