Not just the golf courses... Here is a little story (thats true) about my experiences working on Ward 7 West of Brooke Army Medical Center...
When I first started working at BAMC, the nurse I worked with, a little (flamboyantly-flamingly homosexual who wasn't out about it but you could just tell) Specialist named Rivas, was showing me how to assess patients. My first patient was an 89 year old WW2 veteran with a broken hip, so I began my assessment following a list.
"How are you doing sir?" I say, clearly and concisely with the best fake smile I can muster.
"Wha? Son, I can't hear you, speak up!"
So thats how it started. I went down the list asking such questions as "So hows your stools, sir? Whats their consistancy? When was the last time you passed a stool?" Then I got to a part on the list I really was unsure of what to make of...
"Check to see if the catheter is in place... Rivas, I actually have to check, or what?" I say, unsure if I actually have to look at this old dude's shrivled up sausage.
"Of course, its on the list, right?" Rivas replies, obviously getting pleasure out of seeing me in such an uncomfortable situation.
So I'm like "Sir, did your, uh, catheter fall out?"
And Rivas interjects, "No silly! You've got to check it, with your hands!"
"So uh Rivas, you sure you don't want to take this one? Its more up your alley man," I reply, but Rivas refuses. I think he didn't want his homo-cover to be lifted.
So I say "Sir, can you lift up your gown for me?"
And the old veteran says, "Son, its your job to do that!" So I slowly undrape his hospital gown exposing his mangled 89 year-old penis for me an Rivas to see.
"Yep! Looks like its in place, next thing on the list is..." I say as I start to replace the uncovered gown...
"No Reichenbach!" Rivas says. "You need to check it. WITH YOUR HANDS."
So, grinding my teeth, I go for it. I check and his catheter is, indeed, secure in this old man's weiner.
Next order of buisness: Palpate the bladder. Now, I was trained as a Combat Medic, not a fucking nurse. I had no idea where the bladder was, except for it was near the genitalia, but I found it.
I pressed down above the old mans penis, and a little bit of urine squirted into the catheter tube. At that point I realized how much I hated the medical profession, and how I should have been an infantryman.
THE END.
