Trudging Ever Onward

[Mutant Screg]

Note: Very new writer. Constructive criticism and other general comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

My name was Jonah Williams, but everyone just calls me Bronn nowadays. I didn't pick it, but it's fitting, to say the least. What the fuck else do you call hired muscle? But I digress. I could be called Dogshit for all I care. Only thing that matters to me now is tracking the bandit bastard that turned me into this freak. Now, before you go and start thinking of me as some sort of beauty queen, stop yourself right fucking there. I was never one to be vain before all of this, and I'm not about to start now, no sir. But to be fair, I honestly couldn't tell you why I'm wasting my time hunting this guy down in the first place. I've got work to do, and roaming around the wasteland like some kind of fucked up jolly green giant ain't exactly profitable. Maybe it's my sense of justice kicking in after all these years, or maybe I just want revenge. Hell, could be that I just don't really want to go back to work. As hard as it is to believe, I really don't enjoy putting a bullet into the skull of some fuckwad who's either too shitfaced or just plain retarded to keep their distance from my cargo. Well, maybe just a little. I've made a lot of money in my days as a merc, enough to retire and live comfortably until some fuckwad finally put a bullet in me. That was about half a decade ago, if I can recall. Feels longer. A hell of a lot longer. Fuck, I'm so tired.

Stopped at a spring, refilled my water bags. Don't know how long it's been the last time I filled them up, but the damn things were dry as brahmin bones. Glad I found the water, no matter how filthy it was. I think the sun was starting to scramble my brains. I feel fine now, with the water to cool me down.

Had the last of the gecko meat for dinner. Shit is stringy as hell, but I think I'm going to start missing it here pretty soon. Haven't seen much in the way of wildlife since I left Kilead. Not sure what the hell I'm going to do for food these next few days, but I'll manage. I always do.

Can hardly form a coherent thought at this point. Stomach growling a bit too loud to focus on much else other than food. Or the idea of food, at least. I did run into a pig rat the other day, but I might as well have eaten a handful of my own shit for the the good it did me. Wonder how tumbleweeds taste?

Like I said before; I always manage. About an hour ago, around the time when my fingers started to look a little appetizing, I saw what had to be a city just a few more miles ahead of me. It's getting dark now, and I can see the tell-tale lights from lamp flames, as well as several of what must be cooking fires. Hope they don't mind mutants.

 

[Taxi]

Note: Am not a writer.

Impresions of Bronn:
A no-nonsence,capable Mutant out for revange.

...some sort of beauty queen...

This sentance, the one before and the one after make me think that he is trying to hide from us that he cares that he is a "freak".
Was this your intention as a writer?

Wonder how tumbleweeds taste?

Im 90% sure that this is Bronns dry humor. But he is a mutant and aldough his thoughts are clear maybe the F.E.V. damaged, and is slowly degrading his mind.
Was this your intention as a writer?

General impresions:

Short but i liked it. I usualy see peple write from the point of view of a character, its an essential tool in the writers toolbox but not the only one.
If you are up for it: - write a description of that town that Bronn came across, but from a narators perspective (layout,short history,notable people or events)
- write a combat encounter either from the narrators or raider perspective... or Bronns but the first 2 would be a better chalange for you.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

 

[Mutant Screg]

Thanks for the feedback!

This sentance, the one before and the one after make me think that he is trying to hide from us that he cares that he is a "freak".
Was this your intention as a writer?

I was trying to give off the impression that his plot for revenge doesn't stem solely from the fact that he is ugly. Tried to highlight the fact that he really had no reason to go after the guy, other than the fact that he was bored of his usual routine and had no other purpose.

Im 90% sure that this is Bronns dry humor. But he is a mutant and aldough his thoughts are clear maybe the F.E.V. damaged, and is slowly degrading his mind.
Was this your intention as a writer?

A little bit of both, as well as an attempt to show how desperate he was for food at that point.

General impresions:

Short but i liked it. I usualy see peple write from the point of view of a character, its an essential tool in the writers toolbox but not the only one.
If you are up for it: - write a description of that town that Bronn came across, but from a narators perspective (layout,short history,notable people or events)
- write a combat encounter either from the narrators or raider perspective... or Bronns but the first 2 would be a better chalange for you.

Yup, was planning on doing something similar. Maybe switching to a third person narrative, to show how Bronn would be in the eyes of your average Joe.

Again, thanks for the feedback. Was there anything that really irked you while reading it?