s some of you know, I, Flake, am a great big awesome rockstar, in my band, Testicle Mutilation (The band so kvlt, we don't even make music!).
I decided to take a break from rolling around in million dollar bills to give you all this NMA exclusive. The history and family tree of Testicle Mutilation.
Many a moon ago, from it's humble beginnings, Testicle Mutilation began as a quest for a dream. A dream at the end of a rainbow, guarded by seasnakes, and sass-talking Leprechauns who rode teeny tiny horses around while playing polo and having bubbles pop out of their pipes.
Testicle Mutilation's first lineup consisted of Archeoptrix on spoons and lead vocals, a guy whose last name was Bender on bass, and a jury-rigged washing machine with drum sticks taped to the spin cycle mechanism. Their first gig was in a backalley behind a corner store. The bums there applauded, or maybe threw empty whisky bottles at us, we really can't remember. In these days Testicle Mutilation wrote simple, yet meangful lyrics, a true gore-splosion-sludge-grind-add-core-doom-necro-rock experience:
An old song, known as "hardcore" and "True to their roots" this example shows their original lyrical style, track 8 off their debut, "dreg":
A crisis and emergency -
OH MAN, MOM IS ON FIRE
WHO LET THIS HAPPEN?
SHE IS A FLAMMABLE BITCH
I'LL PUT HER OUT
BY STOMPING HER FACE
PUSHING MOM DOWN THE STAIRS IS FUNNY
Anyway after this, we got a vision, appeal to a bigger audience. Alas, the humble hardcore roots began to get corrupt. First, to cover our expenses of always touring, we unfortunately lost our drummer (Washing machine) when he fell overboard that one time we were discovered without tickets and branded "stow aways" As we ran around comically fleeing the ship's captain, our drummer, met his end when I pushed him out of the way so I could hide under a food cart. (Sorry, dude, R.I.P.)
Anyway, we then kidnapped a kid with autism because when he got really frustrated, he bobbed his head really fast, we put a drum in front of him, and he machine-gun blasted our way to the top of the underground scene. Local acts were envious of our newfound wonder, and eventually, he was kidnapped right from under our noses (We were snorting crack we bought off of Ed Oscuro while we left him on a street corner to beg for more crack money).
At this point and time, Testicle Mutilation was still underground, but focused lyrics more on real life situations. This example is track 55, form their second album "Homosexuals are Gay":
Revelation -
I OPENED UP A CAN TODAY, AND WHAT DID I SEE?
A FLEET OF GUIDOS STARING BACK AT ME
CANDY RANBOW
DOMINO RALLY WAS FUCKING AWESOME
HEY STEVEN, GIVE THAT BACK!
We had to cancel a tour at around this time due to our lost drummer, which caused us a sad time. We found a new drummer, 3-foot Claus, who had no arms or hands, but 3 legs, all of which held drum sticks, and a guitarist, Prarie-line pete, he wasn't so much a guitarist, as a guy who owned a guitar and worked at the local coal mine, but we took him anyway. We also hired the world's best sniper, numbarz/00033 as our bodyguard (and heckler assassinator) So anyway, at this time, our lyrics took on a more depressing mood.
Track 2 off of our 3rd album, "Where the horses are, in csae you're horny"
You Broke my Dumb-o-meter -
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
STOP EATING GARBAGE
HOMELESS PEOPLE AND ORPHANS DO THAT
SOME ORPHANS ARE HOMELESS PEOPLE
THE UNIVERSE IS EVIL AND CRUDE, AND IT MIGHT HAVE AIDS
After this release, Bender and Pete decided to start their own band, an ipso-facto-doom-black metal act known as "Deep and Dark" At their first show, they got booed off stage, apparantly the crowd doesn't take too well to clown makeup. which was supposed to be totally kvlt corpse paint, but dressed up as a whore or something. Anyway, we let Bender back into the band, but Pete went back to his mines. At this point, me and Bender formed out own new industrial side project, Beats'n'Shit, which was really big in Europe for all of 4 minutes. Our downfall was the fact we referred to all our fans as "Euro-trash" and "Hitlerlings" which didn't go over too well when we played at the national Jewish society's luncheon. Testicle Mutilation was once again our old home. When me and Bender got back from that tour, we found out that Pete had let in a bunch of new guys into the band who threatened to beat him up if he didn't.
The current lineup at this point consisted of:
A parrot who said the word "Bamboozled" over and over
LordNagash on Keytar and Xylophontar
Kiru on Triangle and backup vocals
Me on Lead Vocals, Spoons, and I had picked up some Jug on the side
Bender on Bass, backup, backup vocals
Bender's clone, Bander, on piano
MHMike on Backup piano
Redping on Windchimes
Noq on Fapinette
Moz on Peniswhistal
CoyoteExile as Macarena dancer
3-foot Claus on drums
A gorilla put in a cage with harp cords all over which we angered before shows so it would bang around making noise
A dryer we found in a junkyard with sticks taped to the spinning mechanism on back-up drums
BennyBigHair on Back-up Bass
A hive of bees with a microphone attatched to it
During one show, in West Carolina, a riot broke out between us and some punk band because they were all about "feelings" or something. Claus called them a fleet of dumbs and they got all angry and attacked us. We ended up tossing our other drummer into the crowd while Claus got fist-fighted to death, the Gorilla also broke loose and was shot by our soon-to-be naked Bass Air guitarist, Dracion,and his secret lover and free-stylist welsh christian rapper, Huw. With this new lineup, our lyrics took a more "united" feeling. This example off our double-CD "Hookers in bonnets, Worms in labs":
Cross my heart and hope to pie -
LOVE IS NICE
EVERYONE LOVES GOATS AND CARS AND STUFF
DO NOT TAKE THESE THINGS FOR GRANTED
PUPPETS
We went on our most famous tour, with Spootlknot, which we didn't realize his show consisted of batmantle just running around in his underwear screaming for half an hour on stage before getting exhausted and going to sleep. The crowds loved it. Our first global tour was a big hit, even Antarcticans loved it, and they hate everything. Anyway, at this point, LordNagash took the beehive with him and made his own side project, Supersayienpenis. Their first single "Babcock Simplistic Warhead" was a huge flop but it felt for me and Bender like we could make it with our side project, based off of Beats'n'Shit, this was a more E-techno-jungle-drum'n'bass-house-swank-synth-dance project called "Sexploitation" It was in fact, so popular it was banned everywhere but in brothels. So back to Testicle Mutilation we went, realizing there was no money in it. Back to our favorite ADD-Crapcore Grind we went.
During an accidental plane crash which was triggered by my drunken stupor in which I beat up the pilots, Bander, and Claus Died, the parrot flew away, the Dryer was lost at sea (what the hell), and the beehive got soaked and dissolved. I also died, but my corpse was perfectly preserved. We hired Nitro, a famous necromancer with the voice of an angel to ressurect me, and once again, Testicle Mutilation was ready to go!
Lyrics at this point got more philisophical,this example from our other next album, "KOOKAMUNGA!!"
How come? -
OH NO THINGS SUCK
THE MALL HAS DUMBEYS IN IT
THEY ARE BUYING 9000 DOLLAR SHORTS
BE A COMMIE
At this point, we did a split with another band called "KORNUCOPEYEA" which eventually just got assimilated into Testicle Mutilation. Wolfy on Tuba, Nyopallo on Bongo drums, Decoy on Kazoo, Hellion who rolls around on stage, and Leo who had an Accordian tied to his penis while he bobbed up and down. Suerte also followed us, but he smelled of butt, so we hosed him off then he joined as our premier checkers player.
For a short time, Hellion joined up with a Tamborine hero to form his own black-doom-grind-splatter-gore-porn act, "Spooky trolls in the forest" which was based loosely off a black metal side project me and Bender had in the early days but I forgot to mention because it's embarrasing, "Spookytron" which was about goth robots summoned forth by satan.
Eventually we managed to bribe them enough into joinng back with us.
Other side projects taken up in these past few years which we've just sort of all been dicking about and not making a record (Which we better hurry or our manager Hardflip and his corporate labels goon, JD, and Darkflow will beat us all with chains and whips and sticks and hammer and gumshoes and stuff)
EYE ATE GOD (Food-based blasphemy grind):
BennyBigHair as lead Banjo
Noq on backup banjo
Mhmike on Baby grand piano
Nyopallo on trash can lids
The Peniscola Quartet (Death Emo-shock-rap-acopalla):
Nitro on lead opera vocals
Huw as a welsh christian rapper
Suerte who plays checkers on stage by himself
Leo on Penis-cordian
Decoy on maracas
The Banhammers
CoyoteExile as Jig-dancer
Head who frosts his hair and lip synchs boxcar racer songs while going to the mall
JD, Hardflip, and Darkflow who poke the rest of them with javelins.
Tumortime, Feat. Spootlknot
Grudgeal on jamborines
Me on Jug
A vaccuum cleaner we turn on during performances
Batmantle/Spootle
Moz on Peniswhistal
Dracion on Naked Air Bass Guitar
Kiru on lead Triangle
Decoy on rhythm Triangle
Redping on backup Triangle
Wolfy on Synth-Triangle
Creep-splosion '99
[P]aradox on Whistle
Moz on Peniswhistal
Atari Addict on Harmonica
Hellion on Trumpet
Grudgeal on tamborine and jamborine
BennyBigHair on Gong
Some little starving malaysian kids who yell in the background
(Some other nameless acts we forgot because of the ADD acting up again)
This brings us to the present it's been a long time, but we're currently all involved in a side project called "RAPE DEM BITCHES, ARRR!" which we're hoping is the world's first Pirate Metal band. With the added support of The Spootlknot X-perience featuring Nacho Fury, we hope to set upon the world, the most grand tour yet, sure to own, pwn, pizone, and calzone you all... SO SUPPORT THE X-TREME MUSIC SCENE NOW, DUMBEYZ (And give me your moneys)
I decided to take a break from rolling around in million dollar bills to give you all this NMA exclusive. The history and family tree of Testicle Mutilation.
Many a moon ago, from it's humble beginnings, Testicle Mutilation began as a quest for a dream. A dream at the end of a rainbow, guarded by seasnakes, and sass-talking Leprechauns who rode teeny tiny horses around while playing polo and having bubbles pop out of their pipes.
Testicle Mutilation's first lineup consisted of Archeoptrix on spoons and lead vocals, a guy whose last name was Bender on bass, and a jury-rigged washing machine with drum sticks taped to the spin cycle mechanism. Their first gig was in a backalley behind a corner store. The bums there applauded, or maybe threw empty whisky bottles at us, we really can't remember. In these days Testicle Mutilation wrote simple, yet meangful lyrics, a true gore-splosion-sludge-grind-add-core-doom-necro-rock experience:
An old song, known as "hardcore" and "True to their roots" this example shows their original lyrical style, track 8 off their debut, "dreg":
A crisis and emergency -
OH MAN, MOM IS ON FIRE
WHO LET THIS HAPPEN?
SHE IS A FLAMMABLE BITCH
I'LL PUT HER OUT
BY STOMPING HER FACE
PUSHING MOM DOWN THE STAIRS IS FUNNY
Anyway after this, we got a vision, appeal to a bigger audience. Alas, the humble hardcore roots began to get corrupt. First, to cover our expenses of always touring, we unfortunately lost our drummer (Washing machine) when he fell overboard that one time we were discovered without tickets and branded "stow aways" As we ran around comically fleeing the ship's captain, our drummer, met his end when I pushed him out of the way so I could hide under a food cart. (Sorry, dude, R.I.P.)
Anyway, we then kidnapped a kid with autism because when he got really frustrated, he bobbed his head really fast, we put a drum in front of him, and he machine-gun blasted our way to the top of the underground scene. Local acts were envious of our newfound wonder, and eventually, he was kidnapped right from under our noses (We were snorting crack we bought off of Ed Oscuro while we left him on a street corner to beg for more crack money).
At this point and time, Testicle Mutilation was still underground, but focused lyrics more on real life situations. This example is track 55, form their second album "Homosexuals are Gay":
Revelation -
I OPENED UP A CAN TODAY, AND WHAT DID I SEE?
A FLEET OF GUIDOS STARING BACK AT ME
CANDY RANBOW
DOMINO RALLY WAS FUCKING AWESOME
HEY STEVEN, GIVE THAT BACK!
We had to cancel a tour at around this time due to our lost drummer, which caused us a sad time. We found a new drummer, 3-foot Claus, who had no arms or hands, but 3 legs, all of which held drum sticks, and a guitarist, Prarie-line pete, he wasn't so much a guitarist, as a guy who owned a guitar and worked at the local coal mine, but we took him anyway. We also hired the world's best sniper, numbarz/00033 as our bodyguard (and heckler assassinator) So anyway, at this time, our lyrics took on a more depressing mood.
Track 2 off of our 3rd album, "Where the horses are, in csae you're horny"
You Broke my Dumb-o-meter -
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
STOP EATING GARBAGE
HOMELESS PEOPLE AND ORPHANS DO THAT
SOME ORPHANS ARE HOMELESS PEOPLE
THE UNIVERSE IS EVIL AND CRUDE, AND IT MIGHT HAVE AIDS
After this release, Bender and Pete decided to start their own band, an ipso-facto-doom-black metal act known as "Deep and Dark" At their first show, they got booed off stage, apparantly the crowd doesn't take too well to clown makeup. which was supposed to be totally kvlt corpse paint, but dressed up as a whore or something. Anyway, we let Bender back into the band, but Pete went back to his mines. At this point, me and Bender formed out own new industrial side project, Beats'n'Shit, which was really big in Europe for all of 4 minutes. Our downfall was the fact we referred to all our fans as "Euro-trash" and "Hitlerlings" which didn't go over too well when we played at the national Jewish society's luncheon. Testicle Mutilation was once again our old home. When me and Bender got back from that tour, we found out that Pete had let in a bunch of new guys into the band who threatened to beat him up if he didn't.
The current lineup at this point consisted of:
A parrot who said the word "Bamboozled" over and over
LordNagash on Keytar and Xylophontar
Kiru on Triangle and backup vocals
Me on Lead Vocals, Spoons, and I had picked up some Jug on the side
Bender on Bass, backup, backup vocals
Bender's clone, Bander, on piano
MHMike on Backup piano
Redping on Windchimes
Noq on Fapinette
Moz on Peniswhistal
CoyoteExile as Macarena dancer
3-foot Claus on drums
A gorilla put in a cage with harp cords all over which we angered before shows so it would bang around making noise
A dryer we found in a junkyard with sticks taped to the spinning mechanism on back-up drums
BennyBigHair on Back-up Bass
A hive of bees with a microphone attatched to it
During one show, in West Carolina, a riot broke out between us and some punk band because they were all about "feelings" or something. Claus called them a fleet of dumbs and they got all angry and attacked us. We ended up tossing our other drummer into the crowd while Claus got fist-fighted to death, the Gorilla also broke loose and was shot by our soon-to-be naked Bass Air guitarist, Dracion,and his secret lover and free-stylist welsh christian rapper, Huw. With this new lineup, our lyrics took a more "united" feeling. This example off our double-CD "Hookers in bonnets, Worms in labs":
Cross my heart and hope to pie -
LOVE IS NICE
EVERYONE LOVES GOATS AND CARS AND STUFF
DO NOT TAKE THESE THINGS FOR GRANTED
PUPPETS
We went on our most famous tour, with Spootlknot, which we didn't realize his show consisted of batmantle just running around in his underwear screaming for half an hour on stage before getting exhausted and going to sleep. The crowds loved it. Our first global tour was a big hit, even Antarcticans loved it, and they hate everything. Anyway, at this point, LordNagash took the beehive with him and made his own side project, Supersayienpenis. Their first single "Babcock Simplistic Warhead" was a huge flop but it felt for me and Bender like we could make it with our side project, based off of Beats'n'Shit, this was a more E-techno-jungle-drum'n'bass-house-swank-synth-dance project called "Sexploitation" It was in fact, so popular it was banned everywhere but in brothels. So back to Testicle Mutilation we went, realizing there was no money in it. Back to our favorite ADD-Crapcore Grind we went.
During an accidental plane crash which was triggered by my drunken stupor in which I beat up the pilots, Bander, and Claus Died, the parrot flew away, the Dryer was lost at sea (what the hell), and the beehive got soaked and dissolved. I also died, but my corpse was perfectly preserved. We hired Nitro, a famous necromancer with the voice of an angel to ressurect me, and once again, Testicle Mutilation was ready to go!
Lyrics at this point got more philisophical,this example from our other next album, "KOOKAMUNGA!!"
How come? -
OH NO THINGS SUCK
THE MALL HAS DUMBEYS IN IT
THEY ARE BUYING 9000 DOLLAR SHORTS
BE A COMMIE
At this point, we did a split with another band called "KORNUCOPEYEA" which eventually just got assimilated into Testicle Mutilation. Wolfy on Tuba, Nyopallo on Bongo drums, Decoy on Kazoo, Hellion who rolls around on stage, and Leo who had an Accordian tied to his penis while he bobbed up and down. Suerte also followed us, but he smelled of butt, so we hosed him off then he joined as our premier checkers player.
For a short time, Hellion joined up with a Tamborine hero to form his own black-doom-grind-splatter-gore-porn act, "Spooky trolls in the forest" which was based loosely off a black metal side project me and Bender had in the early days but I forgot to mention because it's embarrasing, "Spookytron" which was about goth robots summoned forth by satan.
Eventually we managed to bribe them enough into joinng back with us.
Other side projects taken up in these past few years which we've just sort of all been dicking about and not making a record (Which we better hurry or our manager Hardflip and his corporate labels goon, JD, and Darkflow will beat us all with chains and whips and sticks and hammer and gumshoes and stuff)
EYE ATE GOD (Food-based blasphemy grind):
BennyBigHair as lead Banjo
Noq on backup banjo
Mhmike on Baby grand piano
Nyopallo on trash can lids
The Peniscola Quartet (Death Emo-shock-rap-acopalla):
Nitro on lead opera vocals
Huw as a welsh christian rapper
Suerte who plays checkers on stage by himself
Leo on Penis-cordian
Decoy on maracas
The Banhammers
CoyoteExile as Jig-dancer
Head who frosts his hair and lip synchs boxcar racer songs while going to the mall
JD, Hardflip, and Darkflow who poke the rest of them with javelins.
Tumortime, Feat. Spootlknot
Grudgeal on jamborines
Me on Jug
A vaccuum cleaner we turn on during performances
Batmantle/Spootle
Moz on Peniswhistal
Dracion on Naked Air Bass Guitar
Kiru on lead Triangle
Decoy on rhythm Triangle
Redping on backup Triangle
Wolfy on Synth-Triangle
Creep-splosion '99
[P]aradox on Whistle
Moz on Peniswhistal
Atari Addict on Harmonica
Hellion on Trumpet
Grudgeal on tamborine and jamborine
BennyBigHair on Gong
Some little starving malaysian kids who yell in the background
(Some other nameless acts we forgot because of the ADD acting up again)
This brings us to the present it's been a long time, but we're currently all involved in a side project called "RAPE DEM BITCHES, ARRR!" which we're hoping is the world's first Pirate Metal band. With the added support of The Spootlknot X-perience featuring Nacho Fury, we hope to set upon the world, the most grand tour yet, sure to own, pwn, pizone, and calzone you all... SO SUPPORT THE X-TREME MUSIC SCENE NOW, DUMBEYZ (And give me your moneys)
