Fallout: The full story...

F

fallout ranger

Vault Dweller
This is an attempt to make a fallout story, containing all of the FO1 events, and yes it WILL follow the fallout bible.

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Part One: Leaving the Vault

The door rolled into position and slammed home, he was alone. He was afraid, for no-one had ever ventured outside of the vault and returned. After a few minutes of staring into darkness, he collected his courage and began to make his way through the darkened cave. He stopped, he saw a skeleton in a vault suit to his left. He hesitated, then began to rifle through its pockets. He found 10mm ammunition, a knife, and an ID card that read ”Ed”.

A few steps more, and he heard a rustling and a squeak before him. He grew closer to the noise, and as he did, he saw a rat. Not just any rat, but a rat of tremendous size. ?He thought to himself “It must be two fucking feet long!”. After staring at each other, the rat scurried up and chewed into his boot. “Fuck!” he said, drawing his 10mm pistol, and shot the beast in the face.

After a few dozen more steps, and a few more gigantic rats, he saw a glow ahead of him. Finally, the end of the cave. He squinted his eyes, having never seen such bright light. Waiting for his eyes to adjust, he stepped into what was called “sunlight”. He felt a warmth, and his eyes burned, but he knew he must set out on his mission, his mission to find the precious water chip.

He took a swig of water from his flask, tightened his belt, and set out towards the east, to Vault 15 and the water chip.


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Chapter two will be V15.
 
Hmmm... You use too many 'he's and 'his's... And I think you could write in more descriptive way... I mean: write what 'he' feels, what he thinks, and everything that he can see. Like it would be better if you wrote also about some unimportant thigs that he could have noticed, like that it stinks there, or that the floor isn't like ones he's used to, but it is sand or rock floor. Just try to see everything from his perspective - perspective of someone who all his life lived in the vault. Imagine what would be usual and unusual for him... For example while writing about that he noticed a rat, you could write instead, that 'he saw a two feet long animal covered with a short greyish-brown fur, and with a foot long skinny tail. Its teeth seemed to be razor-sharp. The black eyes of the animal gleamed because of reflected lights of panel meant to open the vault door. Ed thought this animal could be a Rat he learned about on biology lessons.'
Or sth like this.

P.S. My vocabulary may be not very good in what I have written, because I'm not natural english speaker, however, the examle is good enough I think.
 
Neat, but really short and amateur.
I mean, OK - there's a guy, I can understand that because you labelled it 'he' this and 'he' that.
It's too short to be called a chapter and well... Work on it. maybe you'läl figure it out. Better write more than necessary, then crop it into something readable, proofread it and post it for someone to crit.
I couldn't even start to live into the story when it was over.. like.. By now when writing this post I've reached Hub and am on my way to Necropolis with all the quests and Ian on my back and Dogmeat chewing on a giant radscorpion sting..
 
Well, taking my cue from krim's bumping of this thread:

Fallout Ranger - which events from Fallout were you going to recreate? All of them? The ones you did in your first game? The "Good" ones?

Perhaps you should say which parts you are going to chart, describe things a little more thoroughly and not have your character shoot things in the face when they are in the process of eating him.
 
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