Little excerpt of my writings

[zegh8578]

Not strictly "fan"-stuff, but again, this subforum seems best suited to post creative endevours.
It is a sci-fi I am working on, an unholy mixture of ultrarealism, and complete retardedness - one fleshes out the other. The following is a light-mooded moment. To turn that frown upside down!

Roughly translated from Norwegian.
Wherever words seem badly chosen, feel free to suggest better alternatives,
mostly for my own curiousity, since the original is written in my own language.
---

He sweated like a pig. The heat was just barely tolerable. The air was heavy. He entered the bathroom, and immediately begun sweating more than before. The room was small, un-aired, and like a warm oven. In here the heat was absolutely intolerable. He already hated it. He unbuttoned, but already his clothes were glued stuck, and he had to tear and toil to pull his underwear down to his knees. By then, his clothes were of course rolled up into impossible, sweat-soaked rolls around his thighs. The effort poured more sweat from him. He hissed some curses, before looking for a towel. He thoroughly wiped his face, and twisted sweat out of his mustache - and for a few, poor moments, he could enjoy a sweat-free existence. It didn't last long. Not even long enough for him to manage to aim himself to the toilet bowl, without sweating again. A film of sweat came between his buttocks and the seat, causing a lubrication and drastic decrease in friction, and sent him sideways down between wall and toiletbowl, in an uncomfortable and locked position. He slipped his fingers around on the wet toilet bowl, attempted to pull himself up, slipped, tumbled and kicked himself backwards - managing to stuff his butt right on top of the toilet-brush-handle. He cursed loudly, and had to simply accept having to crawl loose first - for then to pull the toilet brush out.

 

[Ohaimerk]

some crits:

(*) Sweatted and sweatting only have one T

(*) A fat sweaty guy with a mustache slips off the toilet bowl and ends up with a toilet brush up his ass. Either I'm failing to grasp some sort of subtle sci-fi undertones or our language barrier has you seriously misspelling the phrase erotic fiction

(*) Dunno if it's that translation thing or just your style, but slap a complex sentence or two up in that intro. "He sweatted like a pig. The heat was just barely tolerable. The air was heavy." could be boiled down to something like "The heavy, intolerable heat was making him sweat like a pig" or something. Separating details up into simple sentences like that makes it a bit hard to read, almost like you're describing the story instead of telling the story.

(*) "he had to tear and toil to pull his underwear down to his knees. By then, his clothes were of course rolled up into impossible, sweat-soaked rolls around his thighs" How far down did his undies go? This is vital information, quit confusing me.

 

[zegh8578]

It is a small moment, in a much more complex scope (over 2000 pages), I am reluctant to translate too much, because I'm simply not good at translating literary sentences properly (and lazy).
He isn't fat by the way, he is quite fit, but that will be well known through the rest of the story.

About the sentencing, I see what you mean, and I do vary between how I present a sentence, depending on the mood I want to convey. This was supposed to be tense and uncomfortable, thus short and consise sentences.

The knee/thigh observation I will look into, and specify. The way I imagine it is that he is attempting for his knees - but only reaching his thighs (because they get stuck).
I do have a tendency to sometimes assume that the reader is reading my mind, which probably happened here :I