Marine. (spelling and grammer optional)

PsychoSniper

So Old I'm Losing Radiation Signs
OK, heres the intro to my new fan fiction story, Marine.
Marine is, you guesed it, a Marine.
He was, due to injuries, put in biomed gel in a milatary hosiptal in San Fransicos ruins.
One day he woke up.
this is going to be set in the fallout Tactics timeframe. Visiting some of the FO2 towns before the chosen one did, for now, he will have no name other than Marine, but that will change, eventualy.

part 0 awakening

Marine woke up slowley. He rememberd his ideot Lt had insisted that his squad*1 stand up and move quick. All he rememberd was that he was on point, and there was an explosion behind him. Luckily his power armour kept him alive, but he had his helmet off and was eating some drymeat, so he took a blow to the head. He rememberd the docs had told him that the gel was being tested on people who would die anyway. So they put him in the tank, and let him heal. He rememberd that as he woke up, but oddley, there was someone with a odd tattoo on his forehead and in need of a bath, actualy three of them, standing beside the biomedgel tank he was in. Marine was, understandably, confused. When one of them approachd him with crude handcuffs he swung into action. Acting weak and dazed, he let the first mat approach, he headbutted that man, grabing 2 of his knives and flipping them into the other 2 mens foreheads. As the remaing man's jaw dropped, Marine dropped him by snaping his neck. Marine, not knowing what was going on, rushed off to the paitent's property storage area and grabed his supplies, weapons*2, and his power armour*3. He was shocked to see the date, 2199, close to 150 years after he was injured!!!!!!!! As he wasderd the ruines of the milatary complex, he realized that portion of San Fran, maybe more, had been destroyed. He realized that he needed to find people, so he set to wandering. He came upon what we know as the Shi City in San Fran. He talked to the people there, and learned that everything had been destroyed and they were, in fact, the decedents of the people he had been fighting. Realizing the extent of the devistation, and finding out what that tatto on the forehead those 3 men had meant, he left the Shi, and set out on his quest, to find remains of the US Marines, or other branches of milatary or, barring that, a group of people worth growing old with. His first clue that things REALLY were as mutated as the Shi had told him they were came when his suits sensors picked up movement one might when he was sleeping, he awoke to see some huge beast with claws bearing down on him. He fired his Gauss minigun and killed it. He realized it was what the Shi had said a deathclaw looked like. "Welcome to the wasteland" he thought to himself, as he went back to sleep.


1--he was a MGySgt (Master Gunnery Seargent) in the USMC during the war, and thought of the squad he was in as HIS squad.
2--1 M-72 Gauss Rifle with a scope that fed a camera image into his helmets video feed. The camera had night vision and thermal imiging.
1 P-90 modified. It had a kit that allowed it to fire .50 rounds
1 Gauss minigun
3--His armour was modified to have night vision and thermal vision capabilites, as well as having a large infrared floodlight attached.





ok people, thats the end of the intro, part 1 will be in another fallout 1 or 2 town, but will be in further detail.
please give comments, what you want to seem things like that, and I will incorperat it into Part 1 when I do it.

Also, if some1 wants to make a Marine mod for FO2 or FO:T just give me credit, and make it follow the storyline.



{edited}I've dedided to make part 1 mostly in New Reno. No hints on the plot though.
 
Okay, here is why this is crap. And since I have nothing better to do, how about I whine about how it's crap?
[3PD said:
PsychoSniper]Marine, not knowing what was going on, rushed off to the paitent's property storage area and grabed his supplies, weapons*2, and his power armour*3. He was shocked to see the date, 2199, close to 150 years after he was injured!!!!!!!!

So, um, how did he decude that the year was 2199? He must have surprised even himself, because he used about 1.8 million '!'. Another thought is that maybe it would be better to use at least semi-seemless exposition than astericks. Even if you put what you're referencing with astericks in parentheseis (I just know I spelled that wrong, but spellcheck is an evil demon) and pull it out of nowhere, it still works better than using astericks.

[3PD said:
PsychoSniper]He rememberd the docs had told him that the gel was being tested on people who would die anyway. So they put him in the tank, and let him heal. He rememberd that as he woke up, but oddley, there was someone with a odd tattoo on his forehead and in need of a bath, actualy three of them, standing beside the biomedgel tank he was in.

He remembered that he remembered something? Could you have just used one rememberance? ...rememberance, that doesn't sound right. Oh well. The second sentence would work better as maybe two or three sentences. Try replacing a comma with a period every now and then. It makes sentences so much easier to read. And you repeated odd, which just sounds stupid. And one final thing, they just put him in the tank and two words later he wakes up? Maybe use one of those new-fangled paragraph breaks in-between that. A line break would be good too ("-----------", or "*******" depending on who you ask).

OKay, I'm rapidly loosing interest in my bitchings, so I'm ending this. NOW!

dralactica disapears in a flury of glorious explosions, giggling insanely
 
Hey Draconias! Booogaaaboogaaa! *makes a face at Draconias*

PsychoSniper; your story needs a bit of work. Draconias is pretty right on the mark on his suggestions. No need to stop the effort, though, everyone has sucky first fanfics.

Just keep these basic rules in mind first:

1. Spelling must be correct.

2. Repeating a single word too much is bad, like you did with "remember", try finding alternatives or weaving several sentences into one.

3, Don't jump around too much, take your time to write out what's happening, instead of "this just happened"
 
Thanks, Karn.

also, I'm working on getting this characther into the lone wanders series over in the roleplaying section, it'll take place after this fan fic series, so I'll have no mention of them, it also will let anyone who reads this know when its getting close to the end (since the lone wanders series is in texas)

By then he will have lost all weapons but his P-90 due 2 lack of ammo.


Anyway, I'm working on part 1: Reno

I'm gona make it WAY better than part 0 this introduction was. I just meant to give the basics on how he started, and what hardware he packs, for now.
 
Ok, heres part one of New Reno
If you have anything you want added, tell me I'll add it if I can and if I want 2.









After leaving the Shi in San Fran I wanderd the wastes. I know were all of the pre-war towns were due to the fact that most satilites were still in orbit including the GPS system which my pipboy ran used to triangulate my position. I knew there was some big R&D facility south east of san fran, so I started walking. When I got there, there was plenty of activity. There were guys in advanced power armour all around the place. I instantly knew something was up. The advanced suits had only been issued to hard core spec ops spooks, not force recon grunts like me. I assumed that they were that brotherhood group that some Shi had mentioned. They were, it looked like, mining the old base out. It looked like the base had been blown up and they were digging it out. Not wanting to deal with such an overwhelming force, I left and headed to Reno. Before the war Reno had been a great place, but now, it was a hell hole. I had on a large robe I had took off of some large mutated person that had attacked me in the wastes. According to th Shi, they were called Super Mutants, but that was al they knew, or were winning to say. The robe hid the fact that I was wearing Powerd Armour, but didnt hide my size. As I wanderd streets, I saw things that had been normal for Reno prewar one-hundered times greater before. Where before, the occasional prostetute or drug delear was common, but now they were allover. I walked into a Bar, Salvatores, and sat down. One of the guards walked over to me and said
"We dont serve Muties, beat it"
I started laughing, he had thought that I was a mutant due to the large form of my armour under my robe.
I stood up and turned around, noticing that these guys were packing low powerd Civilian wattage laser pistols.
Dropping my hood, I leaned foward and said in his face, "I'm not a mutant, and I'm not looking for a fight,but if you want to die......."
I let the sentance hang in the air as he backed off
I turned around and sat down
Eager to make me happy before I got in a fight and did damage to the place, the bartener approached me
"What'cha want to drink" he asked, looking like he had seen it all before
"Booze, Strong booze" I replied "Hell, give me a whole bottle" I he named a price, and I slaped the coins down on the table, The raiders I encounterd had a decent amount of crude gold coins that I had hanged on to, assuming they were the post appotolypic currency.
The bartender nodded to me as he sat the booze infront of me with a shot-glass. I taped the counter, getting his attention, and handed the shot glass back to him. I then pulled my drinking straw out of my helmet and started drinking. Normaly I would have enjoyed doing shots, but I didnt want to give that guard a clear shot at me. I sat there sipping my booze, thinking about all that I had lost to the bomb. My Girly, my family, my house, hell even my university was gone. I realized that even the Marine Corps was gone by now, as any survivors of the bomb would have died of old age a long time ago. I managed to make my self more and more depresed as my bottle got more and more emptey. As I was retracting the straw, another guard approached me, he was nervous, very nervous.
"Uh, sir" he tapped my shoulder
I decided to play with him
"If you're going to do like you're foolish frind over there" I nodded to the guard that had mistook me for a mutant earlier "Then I would suggest running, and not stopping for a long time"
The guard went pale, but didnt run
"No sir, thats not it at all. The boss, Mr. Salvatore, wanted to speak to you"
I decided that I would see what the 'boss' wanted to talk about so I gestured for him to lead the way. He lead me up a flight of stairs to another guard who lectured me on being respectful to the 'boss'. Then he told me to remove my weapons.
"If I wanted him dead, you would allready be splatterd across the room along with your co-workers downstairs" he gulped, then opend the door.
 
PyschoSniper, a word of advice, read the criticism’s that people give you and read them well! You would be surprised how much feedback they will give you about how you can improve your Fic.

I'm not trying to be bitchy about this, but from what I just read, you didn't listen to a word those guys said to you.


I knew there was some big R&D facility south east of san fran, so I started walking. When I got there,

As noted above, take your time to write things instead of having a line to described multiple actions. Spread it out a little and add a little description to what’s going on.

Also try and add a some realism to your Fic because up to now there is near to no trace of any! (Once again the god like issue comes in here).

For instance, you manage to walk into the Salvatore bar and basically tell the guards to piss off! You might be wearing power armour but last time I looked they wouldn't exactly put up with that.

Oh and you see the little button that appears just under where you write that has Spell Check written in bold on it...yes that's the one, well it's certainly not there just to look pretty.
It takes only a matter of minutes to use or even better write your Fic in word and Spell Check before you paste back in. I know it might take slightly longer but frankly, any pleasure I may have got whilst reading this Fan Fic was destroyed by the constant spelling and grammar mistakes in your Fic.

Now, I make spelling mistakes and grammatical ones also but you know what I do, I use the damn Spell Check in the corner! Believe me it makes for much better reading!

Well, now that rant is over, I’ll just point out that I’ve said nothing different to what Draconias Galactica and Kharn said earlier in the thread.

Friend, make good note of peoples criticisms, there one of the most important things you can have as a writer!

I'll look forward to seeing some improvements in the next installation!

Ciaos
 
I was pressed for time when I wrote it, I'll spell check it after writing this. The pissing the guard off thing, I was presenting that guard as a guard that the others consider a fool, I should've had tho other guards laugh at him or something or just had him be a rude customer.

It is my first fan fic, after all, but I will listen to Y'alls advice.
 
Ok...

The pissing the guard off thing, I was presenting that guard as a guard that the others consider a fool, I should've had tho other guards laugh at him or something or just had him be a rude customer.

An example of not taking enough time with your writing. You need to add more description and elaborate on the situations happening. That way people will not interpret the story incorrectly.

Ok, it's your first Fan Fic so more the reason to listen to what other people are saying.

Like i said before. Pay attention to the evaluations people give you and you will improve greatly.

Good luck with the next part friend.
 
[3PD said:
PsychoSniper]I've allready written it, mostly. But I'm gona improve it.

Always a good idea. The greatest talents a writer can have is the patience to go back a bit later and review what he just wrote, instead of leaving it. Take your time, man, wait a while before posting what you've written...Yeah...
 
Ok, I've been trying to add my characther to the lone wanderers RP onthe RP fourm, but they didnt think he fit in well (neither did I, but I tried to mod him to avoid making a new chara) anyway, theyre gona kill him off (my idea) so there is nolonger any connection.
 
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