The Blood Knight

[uziel]

"WHY the hell are we headed East?" the woman screamed again. Corey was almost to teh point of slinging her over his shoulder and just carrying her.
"Because I've never been East," Corey replied. His red-painted armor dulled the bright sun that blinded the woman.
"Nobody has. Everyone that's gone East has never come back. They all died," she told him. The cat meowed.
"Maybe they found something they liked and decided to not come back," Corey suggested. The woman growled.
"I'm still in opposition."
"You want to go back? Fine. More food and water for me and the cat."
"You're a god dammed Brother!" she shouted, using his status of self-appointed Sargeant in teh Brotherhood against him. Corey wasn't even sure if it was an actual rank in the Brotherhood of Steel.
"And you're a Sister. A whiney one at that. Now shut up, save your saliva, and walk."
They continued walked when she said,
"Why do we even have to walk?" Corey stopped.
"Oh, I'm sorry, should I have stopped and asked one of the super mutants for one of their trucks?" he retorted. She skoffed again. Corey continued walking.
"Mreow!" the cat meowed.
"Don't worry, I won't let her eat you. I suppose you need a name. What about...Julius?" Corey said.
"You don't even know if it's a boy."
Corey picked teh cat up and showed the cat its underside.
"Is it a boy?"
"I hate you."
"Is it?"
"YES!"
"FINE. Then its name is Julius. Speaking of names, what's yours?" Corey asked, not looking at her.
"Alicia."
"Corey."
"Pleased to make your acquaintance."
"Likewise."
They walked for another hour. Alicia walked up next to Corey.
"Do you know what happened?" she asked.
"Not really. It was sudden. These Super Mutants just attacked, waving the Master's banners. They killed everyone, I found you unconscious. I ahd you placed somewhere safe and led the Cadets into battle after finding this red armor. We got our asses kicked and I fled with you, then I found this cat, and so here we are."
They continued walking a little bit more.
"East...Why didn't we just head to the nearest Brotherhood outpost?" she asked.
"I don't know. Impulse. Never been East, wanted to see it."
"It's just a radioactive dustbowl..."
"We don't know that."
"I don't want to take chances."
"Then turn back."
Alicia was silent for a while.
"I don't want you to wind up getting your armor being stolen by some looney who might raise some Fascist army or something."
"Quite the imagination."
"I read a lot."
"Meow!"
Another few minutes passed by.
"Are you even armed?"
"Are you capable of keeping your mouth shut?"
She looked to the ground. There was an awkward pause.
"Yes, I am. I've got a Turbo Plasma Pistol and enough ammo to fuel a car." Alicia nodded.
"Meow!"

 

[alec]

Your story sucks. It really does. It misses just about all the key ingredients that make a story great. However, since you're too lazy to write and post something really good, I've decided that I'm going to be too lazy to tell you what exactly you should do to make it better. I'm just going to give you one little sound advice: you should add some sex to the plot. S-E-X. I'm not kidding. Readers love sex scenes. Take it from me. For the moment, though, your pathetic attempt at writing is just taking up bandwith. Even a description of my sphincter would be more entertaining than the crap you force out of your biro. Get better at what you try to do or die trying. I don't think I need to tell you that I hope you choose the second option.

 

[Tycell]

:rolly eyes:

Ignore alec, I think what you have so far has a lot of potencial and could go very far, I eagerly await the next chapter.

 

[Duckman]

S-E-X. I'm not kidding. Readers love sex scenes. Take it from me.

Alec loves sex scenes, and fetishes. Add more of that to gain 1 person to liking your story....


All in all, your story was good, nothing really stood out... But keep up the story writing, as the more you do, the better you will get at it.

 

[uziel]

Alec: Okay, you like sex. I'll have a sex scene later which I've been planning, actually, but it won't be hentai-ish like yours was, so be patient. I've got two posts written so far and we've barely got a story here. It'll develop, don't worry.

Tycell: The next chapter is written but it needs revisement. If I can't get it posted by monday I'll have a totally different post ready.

Duckman: I'll think of something to get it to stick out, don't worry.

Note: Downloaded the Fallout Bible to confirm what I wanted to know. Update Tuesday.

 

[N'jok]

hey, it has potential for a great story!
keep it up and set that imagination of yours loose!