Ralph II: Nomadic Deathclaw Hunter
The story of Ralph 2 began when he was very young*, wandering the city ruins surrounding the small settlement in which he resided, the name of which has long eluded his memory. If asked Ralph 2 probably wouldn’t really remember too much of that day, but Ralph 2 was the kind of person who had trouble remembering his own name. One detail he may be able to recall was the fact that he was carrying around his father’s rifle which he had found lying carelessly in a locked chest, locks never being something to slow Ralph 2 down, not because he could pick them, more so because walls and moving cars weren’t really things that slowed Ralph 2 down either.
It was early evening and Ralph was bored, he had already foraged a ancient T.V dinner from the remnants of an ancient suburban dwelling, not quite managing to grasp the concept that even if one were to risk ingesting such and ancient ‘delicacy’ one should probably remove the contents from the box before cooking.
He had managed to entertain himself throwing rocks at walls for almost and hour after his meal, and then had found amusement in crushing small rocks under bigger rocks, but, as his rock supply was dwindling, Ralph realised he must soon find some other sort of stimulation.
And so, just as he was debating whether he should slam his head against the building for the remainder of his evening, or try to dig a whole to the centre of the earth, he heard a scream a few hundred metres to his left. It was a loud, tooth shattering ear drum bursting scream, and luckily Ralph 2 was smart enough to recognise a scream, and the connotations that went with such a scream, it was the way his mother screamed whenever he presented her with one of his ‘gifts’.
Ralph 2 broke into a run, sure in his mind, that his mother had come looking for him and had somehow stumbled upon his stash of ‘gifts’. Ralph 2’s reasoning for the stash was that it saved him having to kill a gift on every occasion which he believed his mother expected one, which, in Ralph 2’s mind, was every Tuesday. His mother said she no longer wished to receive such gifts, as she was undeserving of such things, Ralph 2 thought she was just being modest.
Ralph 2 quickly came across the source of the scream and, relieved, discovered his mother had not come across his stash. Instead he found a somewhat intense battle raging, several men, wielding guns much like Ralph 2’s, and wearing plated metal on some of the more vital areas of their bodies, were attempting to subdue a large an mildly angry Deathclaw* which did not seem to be complying to their wishes.
Quickly Ralph 2 processed the situation, remembering that what may have been quickly from Ralph 2’s perspective, may be seen as ludicrously sluggish if viewed from the perspective of a 366mhz IBM attempting run Dues Ex.
Ralph 2 decided it all looked like a bit of a game, and it also seemed like a good excuse to fire his father’s gun, unfortunately the trigger mechanism was a little to complex for Ralph 2 to figure out, and so he reverted to using the rifle as a club charging towards the Deathclaw, wildly swinging his rifle by the barrel.
The Deathclaw never really had a chance, at first it was bamboozled by the charging youth. ‘That’s not the way humies traditionally use their guns’ was its first and second last thought, the next was ‘is that humie smiling?’
Ralph 2 didn’t stop pounding on the Deathclaws skull for several minutes, the observing men let their guns hang as limp as their jaws, wondering just how this kid had brutally slaughtered the beast that had just shredded three of their own men without breaking a sweat. And why exactly, this kid apparently found the whole situation incredibly hilarious.
After a while Ralph 2 stopped, bounded puppy like over too the men, chortled happily, and bounded off into the ruins. Unfortunately the whole event had short circuited Ralph 2’s already unstable mind. All thoughts of his past life were erased, but they were inconsequential too him now, he had just discovered what could very well be the most enjoyable thing he could do with his life, and all that remained in his mind was a very simple equation…
Pounding Deathclaws = Unimaginable enjoyment
* Just how young Ralph could never be sure, numbers higher then six were generally incomprehensible to him
* A REALLY angry Deathclaw would have already killed them by now
The story of Ralph 2 began when he was very young*, wandering the city ruins surrounding the small settlement in which he resided, the name of which has long eluded his memory. If asked Ralph 2 probably wouldn’t really remember too much of that day, but Ralph 2 was the kind of person who had trouble remembering his own name. One detail he may be able to recall was the fact that he was carrying around his father’s rifle which he had found lying carelessly in a locked chest, locks never being something to slow Ralph 2 down, not because he could pick them, more so because walls and moving cars weren’t really things that slowed Ralph 2 down either.
It was early evening and Ralph was bored, he had already foraged a ancient T.V dinner from the remnants of an ancient suburban dwelling, not quite managing to grasp the concept that even if one were to risk ingesting such and ancient ‘delicacy’ one should probably remove the contents from the box before cooking.
He had managed to entertain himself throwing rocks at walls for almost and hour after his meal, and then had found amusement in crushing small rocks under bigger rocks, but, as his rock supply was dwindling, Ralph realised he must soon find some other sort of stimulation.
And so, just as he was debating whether he should slam his head against the building for the remainder of his evening, or try to dig a whole to the centre of the earth, he heard a scream a few hundred metres to his left. It was a loud, tooth shattering ear drum bursting scream, and luckily Ralph 2 was smart enough to recognise a scream, and the connotations that went with such a scream, it was the way his mother screamed whenever he presented her with one of his ‘gifts’.
Ralph 2 broke into a run, sure in his mind, that his mother had come looking for him and had somehow stumbled upon his stash of ‘gifts’. Ralph 2’s reasoning for the stash was that it saved him having to kill a gift on every occasion which he believed his mother expected one, which, in Ralph 2’s mind, was every Tuesday. His mother said she no longer wished to receive such gifts, as she was undeserving of such things, Ralph 2 thought she was just being modest.
Ralph 2 quickly came across the source of the scream and, relieved, discovered his mother had not come across his stash. Instead he found a somewhat intense battle raging, several men, wielding guns much like Ralph 2’s, and wearing plated metal on some of the more vital areas of their bodies, were attempting to subdue a large an mildly angry Deathclaw* which did not seem to be complying to their wishes.
Quickly Ralph 2 processed the situation, remembering that what may have been quickly from Ralph 2’s perspective, may be seen as ludicrously sluggish if viewed from the perspective of a 366mhz IBM attempting run Dues Ex.
Ralph 2 decided it all looked like a bit of a game, and it also seemed like a good excuse to fire his father’s gun, unfortunately the trigger mechanism was a little to complex for Ralph 2 to figure out, and so he reverted to using the rifle as a club charging towards the Deathclaw, wildly swinging his rifle by the barrel.
The Deathclaw never really had a chance, at first it was bamboozled by the charging youth. ‘That’s not the way humies traditionally use their guns’ was its first and second last thought, the next was ‘is that humie smiling?’
Ralph 2 didn’t stop pounding on the Deathclaws skull for several minutes, the observing men let their guns hang as limp as their jaws, wondering just how this kid had brutally slaughtered the beast that had just shredded three of their own men without breaking a sweat. And why exactly, this kid apparently found the whole situation incredibly hilarious.
After a while Ralph 2 stopped, bounded puppy like over too the men, chortled happily, and bounded off into the ruins. Unfortunately the whole event had short circuited Ralph 2’s already unstable mind. All thoughts of his past life were erased, but they were inconsequential too him now, he had just discovered what could very well be the most enjoyable thing he could do with his life, and all that remained in his mind was a very simple equation…
Pounding Deathclaws = Unimaginable enjoyment
* Just how young Ralph could never be sure, numbers higher then six were generally incomprehensible to him
* A REALLY angry Deathclaw would have already killed them by now
