Dracon M'Alkir
Vault Senior Citizen
Note: The entire purpose of this was to make the reviewers laugh; and any other readers. Please keep that in mind.
THE BROTHERHOOD OF STEEL
A story by Timmy
Once upon a time, there lived a magical fairy by the name of Marx. She was responsible for making all of the people living in Russia happy. Unfortunately, Marx somehow fucked up his stupid ass job and got everyone killed, but anyway – we move onto the future. Three thousand years later, a public school called the Brotherhood of Steel was formed where kids who can't read good but want to do other things good too, resided. It was all great for a while until they ran out of hookers and booze, so they decided they had to go outside to get more booze. One scribe told them that they could simply synthesize their own alcohol or create their own distillery but they told him he was stupid and shot him for his ignorance. So on their quest for booze, they came across a magician. He told them that if they rubbed his magic stick, he would reveal to them the secret of a land where the booze rains from the sky and chocolate runs in rivers. The paladins thought – “hey, this guy's a wizard, he must know what he is talking about!” So they accepted his quest and rubbed his magical stick. Upon finishing, the wizard released a hydrochloric acid from his magical stick, blinding the leader of the search party. “What the fuck was that?” belched the leader in his complete blinding agony. The magician laughed and left behind a holodisk. On the holodisk, there was a drawing made in paint; blueprints for a vault or something like that. They simply discarded the holodisk and began on their merry way in search of booze. Three hundred hours later, they reached the east coast. “Oh MY GOD!” they said. “Here be dragons.” said another. “We must inform the headquarters of our amazing discovery.” So they sat down and began to dial the headquarters using their satelite phone. “HALEO!” answered the person on the other line. “We have found dragons!” said the leader. “Oh, fantastic.” said the person on the other line. “But have you found the booze?” he responded. This made the leader very depressed, he began to realize that he had found dragons but no use for them. In his desperation, he bent over a rock and shot himself in through the ear. The other paladins feeling his desperation, became more determined to find the booze. Eventually, they reached Washington D.C. When they got into the library of congress, SUPER MUTANTS BEGAN FALLING OUT OF THE SKY. “What the fuck is going on here?” said one of the paladins, briefly before a super mutant crushed him under his weight. “Oh my god, there be the dragons!” another said, also being crushed by raining forks from the sky (????)
Six hundred hours later and seventy thousand micro fusion cells, all of the <s>dragons</s> super mutants were dead. “Yay!” the pack cheered. “We are winnars!” they said. To celebrate they all had gay buttsecks. But a stark realization came to one of them. “MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!” they said. It had happened that one of the members of the gay six had gonhorrea. “I KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU” said the unlucky recipient. He then proceeded to stab the carrier in the face with his combat knife until all that was left was a gory, bloody, pile of organic matter and bone. “Jesus, why did you do that?” another member said. “He was the carrier of the gonorrhea”, he put our quest in jeopardy. “We must find the location of the secret vault where the artifacts of the earliest Brotherhood were contained.” he said. “Agreed, we are in a very delicate situation as it is. Four of us have already died, and our leader has died from dementia. We must take great heed in order to preserve ourselves.” The black knight said. But forks rained from the sky again and killed the angry paladin. Six hundred hours later, they finally reached the prophesied vault. “HERE IT IS!” said the black one. “THIS IS THE PLACE WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR!” he shouted in a victorious tone. But unfortunately, the creators of this vault were clever. They knew that these guys would show up, so they put dragons inside of the vault. All over the fucking place. Green ones, red ones, pink ones,.. orange ones.. etc, etc, etc,. So the knights waltzed in, pressed down on a weighted level which spewed flames all over them. Not regular types of flames no, these were the special super sensational type, the mixed-gasoline-and-styrofoam shit, the kind of shit that gives pyromaniacs nightmares. “OH MY GOD WE ARE ON FIRE” they screamed. So rolling around in agony, the mysterious magician comes by again. “Ah hah, I have tricked you!” he said. “You have found the place of dragons! But you did not expect the dragons, therefore you perish.” He laughed. “But is there nothing we can do?” the paladins shouted in furious pain. “You must rub my magic stick once more and I shall remove this pain that has been inflicted upon you.” So the knights rubbed his stick. They rubbed and rubbed as they burnt on fire. The magician released hydrochloric acid once again, but the knights dodged it and pressed a pistol against his temple. “WHO IS THE WINNAR NOW!” he shouted. The knight pressed closer, and began drooling slightly. “I am the winnar. I am the motherFUCKING WINNER, DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT.” and he shot the magician. 36 times.
So after they were done raping the corpse of the dead magician, they pressed forward in their search for booze and hookers; when they found a room called “The Blue Room”. They were going to open the door, when one of the knights said: “IT'S A TRAP!”. Admiral Akbar soon showed up, opened the door, and a small explosive device detonated, gibbing him into several hundred fragments. “Wow, FUCK!” said the paladins. As they entered the blue room, there was another door. “Land of Paradise.” it read. “This is it!” they shouted in unison. We have found salvation. One more knob, and we shall all be in paradise.
However, as the knights entered the “Land of Paradise”, the door shut behind them, and locked itself. The lights immediately turned off and a extremely high-volumed, high-pitch, constant sound blared through invisible speakers in the room. The sound was the type of sound you heard after having something explode near your ears, but one thousand times more powerful. The knights soon began to realize that they were bleeding from their eyes, ears, nostrils, mouth and possibly every crevice. The room slowly fried their brains as they would convulse around on the ground in absolute agony.
The end cutscene describes the names of the valiant knights that had under gone this desperate search, it goes as follows:
Fallout 3 Development Team
Todd Howard – Lead Paladin
Pete Hines – Loud-mouthed Paladin
..........
Dragons
Super Mutants
Booze
Hookers
Metal
Fluffy the Dog
Anonymous
Copyright C Bethesda Softworks 2009
A timmy production
THE BROTHERHOOD OF STEEL
A story by Timmy
Once upon a time, there lived a magical fairy by the name of Marx. She was responsible for making all of the people living in Russia happy. Unfortunately, Marx somehow fucked up his stupid ass job and got everyone killed, but anyway – we move onto the future. Three thousand years later, a public school called the Brotherhood of Steel was formed where kids who can't read good but want to do other things good too, resided. It was all great for a while until they ran out of hookers and booze, so they decided they had to go outside to get more booze. One scribe told them that they could simply synthesize their own alcohol or create their own distillery but they told him he was stupid and shot him for his ignorance. So on their quest for booze, they came across a magician. He told them that if they rubbed his magic stick, he would reveal to them the secret of a land where the booze rains from the sky and chocolate runs in rivers. The paladins thought – “hey, this guy's a wizard, he must know what he is talking about!” So they accepted his quest and rubbed his magical stick. Upon finishing, the wizard released a hydrochloric acid from his magical stick, blinding the leader of the search party. “What the fuck was that?” belched the leader in his complete blinding agony. The magician laughed and left behind a holodisk. On the holodisk, there was a drawing made in paint; blueprints for a vault or something like that. They simply discarded the holodisk and began on their merry way in search of booze. Three hundred hours later, they reached the east coast. “Oh MY GOD!” they said. “Here be dragons.” said another. “We must inform the headquarters of our amazing discovery.” So they sat down and began to dial the headquarters using their satelite phone. “HALEO!” answered the person on the other line. “We have found dragons!” said the leader. “Oh, fantastic.” said the person on the other line. “But have you found the booze?” he responded. This made the leader very depressed, he began to realize that he had found dragons but no use for them. In his desperation, he bent over a rock and shot himself in through the ear. The other paladins feeling his desperation, became more determined to find the booze. Eventually, they reached Washington D.C. When they got into the library of congress, SUPER MUTANTS BEGAN FALLING OUT OF THE SKY. “What the fuck is going on here?” said one of the paladins, briefly before a super mutant crushed him under his weight. “Oh my god, there be the dragons!” another said, also being crushed by raining forks from the sky (????)
Six hundred hours later and seventy thousand micro fusion cells, all of the <s>dragons</s> super mutants were dead. “Yay!” the pack cheered. “We are winnars!” they said. To celebrate they all had gay buttsecks. But a stark realization came to one of them. “MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!” they said. It had happened that one of the members of the gay six had gonhorrea. “I KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU” said the unlucky recipient. He then proceeded to stab the carrier in the face with his combat knife until all that was left was a gory, bloody, pile of organic matter and bone. “Jesus, why did you do that?” another member said. “He was the carrier of the gonorrhea”, he put our quest in jeopardy. “We must find the location of the secret vault where the artifacts of the earliest Brotherhood were contained.” he said. “Agreed, we are in a very delicate situation as it is. Four of us have already died, and our leader has died from dementia. We must take great heed in order to preserve ourselves.” The black knight said. But forks rained from the sky again and killed the angry paladin. Six hundred hours later, they finally reached the prophesied vault. “HERE IT IS!” said the black one. “THIS IS THE PLACE WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR!” he shouted in a victorious tone. But unfortunately, the creators of this vault were clever. They knew that these guys would show up, so they put dragons inside of the vault. All over the fucking place. Green ones, red ones, pink ones,.. orange ones.. etc, etc, etc,. So the knights waltzed in, pressed down on a weighted level which spewed flames all over them. Not regular types of flames no, these were the special super sensational type, the mixed-gasoline-and-styrofoam shit, the kind of shit that gives pyromaniacs nightmares. “OH MY GOD WE ARE ON FIRE” they screamed. So rolling around in agony, the mysterious magician comes by again. “Ah hah, I have tricked you!” he said. “You have found the place of dragons! But you did not expect the dragons, therefore you perish.” He laughed. “But is there nothing we can do?” the paladins shouted in furious pain. “You must rub my magic stick once more and I shall remove this pain that has been inflicted upon you.” So the knights rubbed his stick. They rubbed and rubbed as they burnt on fire. The magician released hydrochloric acid once again, but the knights dodged it and pressed a pistol against his temple. “WHO IS THE WINNAR NOW!” he shouted. The knight pressed closer, and began drooling slightly. “I am the winnar. I am the motherFUCKING WINNER, DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT.” and he shot the magician. 36 times.
So after they were done raping the corpse of the dead magician, they pressed forward in their search for booze and hookers; when they found a room called “The Blue Room”. They were going to open the door, when one of the knights said: “IT'S A TRAP!”. Admiral Akbar soon showed up, opened the door, and a small explosive device detonated, gibbing him into several hundred fragments. “Wow, FUCK!” said the paladins. As they entered the blue room, there was another door. “Land of Paradise.” it read. “This is it!” they shouted in unison. We have found salvation. One more knob, and we shall all be in paradise.
However, as the knights entered the “Land of Paradise”, the door shut behind them, and locked itself. The lights immediately turned off and a extremely high-volumed, high-pitch, constant sound blared through invisible speakers in the room. The sound was the type of sound you heard after having something explode near your ears, but one thousand times more powerful. The knights soon began to realize that they were bleeding from their eyes, ears, nostrils, mouth and possibly every crevice. The room slowly fried their brains as they would convulse around on the ground in absolute agony.
The end cutscene describes the names of the valiant knights that had under gone this desperate search, it goes as follows:
Fallout 3 Development Team
Todd Howard – Lead Paladin
Pete Hines – Loud-mouthed Paladin
..........
Dragons
Super Mutants
Booze
Hookers
Metal
Fluffy the Dog
Anonymous
Copyright C Bethesda Softworks 2009
A timmy production
