malaise_chalk
First time out of the vault
Starting a dialog-by-dialog review for Flagstaff. This one's pretty long but covers some of the major characters (Kagan, bartender, Administrator, Preacher), . I'll start putting the reviews in spoiler tags to avoid spamming this thread too badly.
FCAdmin.msg: Mine Administrator
{255}{}{The mine is infested with giant rats. They're munching on workers and gnawing our gear. First, off the rat king's gotta go - it's the biggest threat.}
"First, off" -> "First off,"
{263}{}{Wherever they are! Get it? Don't ask me! Checked those endless scrapyards you passed by?}
Instead of "Checked those ... ?", either "Have you checked those ... ?" or "Maybe check those ... ." or just "Check those ... ."
{205}{}{(changes tone) Okay, okay, let's not get carried away! The caravan men won't respect me much if I show up all battered... (to himself) Where do they find these people...}
"(to himself)" could be "(muttering)" (minor)
{298}{}{Anything I can pitch in with?}
"Anything I can do to pitch in?"
-----
FCBarmen.msg: bartender
{345}{}{Well, I'll be damned. Thought these old flags were lone gone. You've got a deal. I'll trade this carbine for the Arizona flag. It's in good condition, but ammo's scarce around here. Deal?}
"lone gone" -> "long gone"
{405}{}{I knnew you couldn't be trusted. Clear out of my bar.}
"knnew" -> "knew"
{436}{}{Their probably just drunk or something. I'll tan their hides like pig rats if they made me go there for nothing.}
"Their probably" -> "They're probably"
{243}{}{Too steep for me. Maybe next time, in the future, some other day.}
"Maybe next time, in the future, some other day" says the same thing three times. Perhaps just "Maybe next time."
{231}{}{Quick tip: watch your tongue. The workforce's a mix of cons and peons. Some serving time, others paying off debts. Sure, there are indentured savages, but we call 'em servants, not slaves.}
{232}{}{Why keep ex-cons on lockdown?}
It's unusual to say "con" except in the phrase "ex-con". "convicts" or "criminals" might be better. Also "in custody" sounds better than "on lockdown" to me.
{244}{}{Off to a good start. Folks'll appreciate it. Just remember - drinking alone won't earn you a rep around here.}
Another translation I'm referencing implies that should be "Just remember – a single drink won't earn you much goodwill." If we're keeping "rep", it probably needs to be "good rep" or "bad rep" since by default I would say without qualifiers "rep" has mildly negative implications by itself.
{270}{}{What's on the trading menu today?}
{271}{}{Alcohol and snacks, my friend. What else do you expect to find in a bar? Although sometimes I gotta play the role of a whole darn store.}
"trading menu" is odd. Either "what's on the menu?" (leaning into the fact that it's a bar) or jsut "What are you selling today?"
{285}{}{Ah, there was a bit of a trade "hiccup". If you're not a fan of the prices, well, good luck finding another watering hole in this city. Spoiler alert: there ain't one.}
I'm not quite sure which line this is a response to, but the first sentence is awkward. "Ah, what's the hold up?" might work.
{367}{}{Whoa! You really beat the game! Here, this drinks on me. You've earned it after all that tension.}
I get that he's talking about the performance being stressful/tense, but "You've earned it after that performance." reads a bit better.
{407}{}{Bad news. The mine boss is dead. Mine's a mess right now.}
{408}{}{Damn... that's rough. He was a good customer for those meals. Hope the new boss keeps up the tradition. Keep the lunch as payment.}
"mine boss" sounds like Kagan, but I'm pretty sure these lines are talking about the administor, which might fit the text better. "He was a good customer for those meals" could be "He bought lunch from me almost every day." or "He almost kept me in business single-handedly."
----
FCBarTlk.msg:{223}{}{Here's some nuclear beer. Not fancy, but it'll keep the conversation flowing, right?}
Should "nuclear beer" be "Nuka Cola"?
-----
FCBishop.msg: Preacher Hiram
{256}{}{The majority of settlers hold reverence for the Holy Fire, or at least feign as much. However, Faber's mercenaries are largely faithless, and skepticism pervades within the populace. Fear not; the Holy Fire shall eventually illumine their minds. My apprehension lies with those who strike out against its wisdom.}
"skepticism pervades within the populace" might be better as "skepticism pervades throughout the populace" or just "prevades the populace"
{319}{}{Festus's son became a source of discord. I pleaded to send the gifted youth for temple teachings, but Festus adamantly refused. Sadly, in Flagstaff, many fail to recognize the value of knowledge, relying instead on brute force.}
"I pleaded to send the gifted youth" -> "I pleaded with him to send the gifted youth" sounds a bit better to me
{365}{}{Your 'principles'' could turn public opinion against you.}
"Your 'principles' could turn public opinion against you."
{416}{}{So it's done. For... Vengence? What a barbaric motive! But if the church is gone, then I'll discard the preacher's robe and leave Flagstaff. Your actions grant me the chance for a fresh start. Perhaps it's not all bad.}
"Vengence" -> "Vengeance"
{404}{}{Greetings. I'm glad to see a fellow believer in our monastery. Welcome to radiant Flagstaff!}
{1404}{}{Greetings. I'm glad to see a fellow believer in our monastery. Welcome to radiant Flagstaff!}
This is the only time the Bishop mentions that this a "monestary" (rather than "church" or "temple"). Might consider changing for consistency
{406}{}{For our faith, distance is inconsequential. The messengers of the Renaissance have informed me of your rise.}
"Renaissance" -> "Rebirth", I think?
{413}{}{I blew up the Temple of Fire. It brought tragedy to the Villa, so I taste the same fate.}
{1413}{}{I blew up the Temple of Fire. It brought tragedy to the Villa, so I taste the same fate.}
I think "so I taste the same fate" should be the opposite: "so I gave it a taste of the same fate."
-----
FCBoss.msg: Faber
{261}{}{Aright...}
"Alright..."
{283}{}{Several patrols have gone missing in the city ruins to the east. People say they heard gunfire. Find out what going on and eliminate the problem - I'll pay you 300 caps.}
"what going on" -> "what's going on"
{200}{}{(looks you over, as if evaluating your worth) I haven't seen you before. Who the hell are you?}
{1200}{}{Pardon my ignorance, but a lady shouldn't be wandering in such places without an escort. I haven't seen you before. Where are you from?}
"Pardon my ignorance" is odd—what is he apologizing for? Perhaps just drop this phrase, or "Pardon me for being forward,"
{202}{}{Hmph? It's been a while since someone dared talk back to me. All those who did, well, they're dead now. I'll give you a minute for your courage. I'm curious to hear you out.}
Consider "I'll give you a minute for your courage" -> "Your courage has earned you one minute of my time."
{205}{}{I'm looking for my people, the villagers from Villa. They say they're in your pen.}
"They say" sounds like the villagers are saying that. Perhaps "I'm told they're in your pen."
{219}{}{That's all, I'll be going.}
Perhaps "I'll be going" -> "I'm leaving" or "I'll be going now"
{220}{}{Is that all? A minute of talking will cost you 100 caps.}
Perhaps "One minute of conversation will cost" or just "Access to the pen will cost", since I don't think the minute is enforced
{224}{}{No problem. My guards will let you in and out... if you behave.}
Consider moving ellipsis to make it sound more threatening:
"No problem. My guards will let you in... and out, if you behave."
{226}{}{I don't have that many caps. Just give us a minute!}
"us" -> "me", or "Just give us a minute to talk!". Perhaps a better flow would be "Just let me in!"
{231}{}{What kind of labor are we talking about?}
{232}{}{Mining for uranium ore here, working caravans to the south, rebuilding Flagstaff, sometimes we get orders from Phoenix... Can't remember them all.}
"them" doesn't conjugate with "kind of labor". Perhaps "Can't remember everything." Also consider "Mining for uranium ore here" -> "Mining uranium ore"
{234}{}{Until recently, it was. Half the scum in our colony got caught by lawmen in the southern lands. Then they were brought here. Raiders, rapists, card debtors - we'll find uses for everyone.}
"Half the scum in our colony got caught by lawmen" -> "Half the scum in our colony were caught by lawmen" to match "were" in the next sentence.
{240}{}{A savage like you has a narrow view of things. Do you know about the cities to the south? True civilization is reviving there. Like in the old days.}
"True civilization is reviving there" -> "A true civilization is being revived there."
{242}{}{Flagstaff supplies uranium, and our prisoners are the main workforce in this chain. Without us, there'd be no progress in the south. We're making history, and now your pathetic village can be part of it. You'll do something useful for the rest of the world.}
"the main workforce in this chain" sounds like a mixed up metaphor. Perhaps "the main link in this chain."
{249}{}{There are a few buyers in the south. Most of our goods used to be bought by the Church of the Holy Fire. Now it's a bit trickier with clients.}
"Now it's a bit trickier with clients." -> "Now it's a bit trickier to find clients."
{255}{}{Alright, let's make a deal. There are a few problems that need solving. Do that, and I'll release your fellow peasants that remain in the pen.}
Consider "Do that, and I'll release your fellow peasants that remain in the pen." -> "Solve my problems, and I'll release your fellow peasants."
{260}{}{What the hell are you talking about?! The mine is ruined, and it'll take months to clear it! Does that sound like solving problems? No. Now get the hell out!}
"Does that sound like solving problems?"
{271}{}{Well... the villagers are sick. Can't you see?}
"Can't you see?" -> "Haven't you noticed?" or "Isn't it obvious?"
{278}{}{(yells) You rat bastard, do you even realize that a handful of filthy peasants are putting the whole of Flagstaff at risk! Years of hard work establishing and controlling an entire town, the hopes of the entire south for prosperity - all of it down the brahmin's ass. Come on, time to show me what you're fuckin' made of!}
"You rat bastard, do you even realize that a handful of filthy peasants are putting the whole of Flagstaff at risk!" Not quite sure what he's getting at. Perhaps "You rat bastard, you and a handful of filthy peasants have put the whole of Flagstaff at risk!"
{288}{}{The ruins of the old city are too difficult and dangerous. I'd lose more people if I sent them in. But now I have you... What's wrong? Having second thoughts already?}
Consider "What's wrong? Having second thoughts already?" -> "What's wrong? Having second thoughts?
{306}{}{There was a ranger saboteur in the ruins, but he's already left Flagstaff.}
{307}{}{Ranger? Unexpected, yet not a big surprise. I had a feeling we'd have trouble with those narrow-minded lawmen sooner or later.}
"Ranger?" -> "A ranger?". "Unexpected, yet not a big surprise" sounds somewhat contradictory. Perhaps "Unfortunate, but not unexpected."
{315}{}{God damn... if you're fuckin' me around, it'll cost you your life. Get your peasant friends out of here before I change my mind.}
Consider "if you're fuckin' me around." "if you're fuckin' around with me."
{317}{}{Hard to believe a peasant could solve all these problems. Even more perplexing is your diligence. Your people have been free for a while now.}
{1317}{}{Hard to believe a peasant woman could solve all these problems. Even more perplexing is your diligence. Your people have been free for a while now.}
Maybe "doggedness" instead of "dilligence"? Or reword "It's even more perplexing to me that you're helping us after your people were already freed."
{321}{}{You're just a sick bastard. Time to put an end to you!}
Maybe "You're a sick bastard. Time to put an end to you!"
{333}{}{Wait... What are you saying? We recently got a batch of slaves from the Villa. Are you from there? No wonder they left you at home - even a shovel is too much for an idiot like you.}
"the Villa" -> "Villa" (unless he's being purposefully wrong)
{344}{}{I'm an honored member of the Brotherhood of Steel. And I demand: release these innocent villagers, or the Brotherhood will bring its wrath down on you.}
"And I demand: release these innocent villagers" -> "And I demand the release of these innocent villagers" (colon is a bit strange here)
{345}{}{Pff. Is everyone in your Brotherhood so pompous? Fine. But why the sudden change? You were the ones who demanded maintaining the labour supply by any means necessary.}
"labour" -> "labor" to match rest of dialog(s)
{353}{}{But he's not just beating them, he's injuring them. And for no serious reason.}
maybe "maiming" or "crippling" instead of "injuring" to be clear what the problem is
{356}{}{I'm not liking the sound of this. I put Lash in charge of maintaining order, relying on his firmness. If he's really going overboard, I won't let it slide. Workers are too expensive to waste so carelessly.}
Perhaps "I put Lash in charge of maintaining order, relying on his firmness." -> "I rely on Lash's firm hand to maintain order."
{362}{}{...Alright. I'm not against getting rid of Lash. It'll be amusing to see one warden replace another. Though, I still don't get why you care.}
Lash isn't the warden, he's the overseer. "warden" -> "overseer"
----
FSCmpSlv.msg: Faber's computer
{215}{}{A group of prisoners from Villa disappeared in the mine. Either I underestimated these hicks, or our defenses are inadequate. We must enforce stricter punishments.}
Not wrong, but "or our security is inadequate" feels more accurate for a prison.
{223}{}{When I created this colony, I hoped to realize the New World idea. But visitors only care about caps. Dirty bastards, I'll enforce new laws and make them change!}
"I hoped to realize the New World idea" -> "I hoped to bring about a New World" (or "create").
This one is a bit odd to me, since I thought the "New World" was Church of the Fire thing... Does/did Kagan believe in that?
{255}{}{The mine is infested with giant rats. They're munching on workers and gnawing our gear. First, off the rat king's gotta go - it's the biggest threat.}
"First, off" -> "First off,"
{263}{}{Wherever they are! Get it? Don't ask me! Checked those endless scrapyards you passed by?}
Instead of "Checked those ... ?", either "Have you checked those ... ?" or "Maybe check those ... ." or just "Check those ... ."
{205}{}{(changes tone) Okay, okay, let's not get carried away! The caravan men won't respect me much if I show up all battered... (to himself) Where do they find these people...}
"(to himself)" could be "(muttering)" (minor)
{298}{}{Anything I can pitch in with?}
"Anything I can do to pitch in?"
-----
FCBarmen.msg: bartender
{345}{}{Well, I'll be damned. Thought these old flags were lone gone. You've got a deal. I'll trade this carbine for the Arizona flag. It's in good condition, but ammo's scarce around here. Deal?}
"lone gone" -> "long gone"
{405}{}{I knnew you couldn't be trusted. Clear out of my bar.}
"knnew" -> "knew"
{436}{}{Their probably just drunk or something. I'll tan their hides like pig rats if they made me go there for nothing.}
"Their probably" -> "They're probably"
{243}{}{Too steep for me. Maybe next time, in the future, some other day.}
"Maybe next time, in the future, some other day" says the same thing three times. Perhaps just "Maybe next time."
{231}{}{Quick tip: watch your tongue. The workforce's a mix of cons and peons. Some serving time, others paying off debts. Sure, there are indentured savages, but we call 'em servants, not slaves.}
{232}{}{Why keep ex-cons on lockdown?}
It's unusual to say "con" except in the phrase "ex-con". "convicts" or "criminals" might be better. Also "in custody" sounds better than "on lockdown" to me.
{244}{}{Off to a good start. Folks'll appreciate it. Just remember - drinking alone won't earn you a rep around here.}
Another translation I'm referencing implies that should be "Just remember – a single drink won't earn you much goodwill." If we're keeping "rep", it probably needs to be "good rep" or "bad rep" since by default I would say without qualifiers "rep" has mildly negative implications by itself.
{270}{}{What's on the trading menu today?}
{271}{}{Alcohol and snacks, my friend. What else do you expect to find in a bar? Although sometimes I gotta play the role of a whole darn store.}
"trading menu" is odd. Either "what's on the menu?" (leaning into the fact that it's a bar) or jsut "What are you selling today?"
{285}{}{Ah, there was a bit of a trade "hiccup". If you're not a fan of the prices, well, good luck finding another watering hole in this city. Spoiler alert: there ain't one.}
I'm not quite sure which line this is a response to, but the first sentence is awkward. "Ah, what's the hold up?" might work.
{367}{}{Whoa! You really beat the game! Here, this drinks on me. You've earned it after all that tension.}
I get that he's talking about the performance being stressful/tense, but "You've earned it after that performance." reads a bit better.
{407}{}{Bad news. The mine boss is dead. Mine's a mess right now.}
{408}{}{Damn... that's rough. He was a good customer for those meals. Hope the new boss keeps up the tradition. Keep the lunch as payment.}
"mine boss" sounds like Kagan, but I'm pretty sure these lines are talking about the administor, which might fit the text better. "He was a good customer for those meals" could be "He bought lunch from me almost every day." or "He almost kept me in business single-handedly."
----
FCBarTlk.msg:{223}{}{Here's some nuclear beer. Not fancy, but it'll keep the conversation flowing, right?}
Should "nuclear beer" be "Nuka Cola"?
-----
FCBishop.msg: Preacher Hiram
{256}{}{The majority of settlers hold reverence for the Holy Fire, or at least feign as much. However, Faber's mercenaries are largely faithless, and skepticism pervades within the populace. Fear not; the Holy Fire shall eventually illumine their minds. My apprehension lies with those who strike out against its wisdom.}
"skepticism pervades within the populace" might be better as "skepticism pervades throughout the populace" or just "prevades the populace"
{319}{}{Festus's son became a source of discord. I pleaded to send the gifted youth for temple teachings, but Festus adamantly refused. Sadly, in Flagstaff, many fail to recognize the value of knowledge, relying instead on brute force.}
"I pleaded to send the gifted youth" -> "I pleaded with him to send the gifted youth" sounds a bit better to me
{365}{}{Your 'principles'' could turn public opinion against you.}
"Your 'principles' could turn public opinion against you."
{416}{}{So it's done. For... Vengence? What a barbaric motive! But if the church is gone, then I'll discard the preacher's robe and leave Flagstaff. Your actions grant me the chance for a fresh start. Perhaps it's not all bad.}
"Vengence" -> "Vengeance"
{404}{}{Greetings. I'm glad to see a fellow believer in our monastery. Welcome to radiant Flagstaff!}
{1404}{}{Greetings. I'm glad to see a fellow believer in our monastery. Welcome to radiant Flagstaff!}
This is the only time the Bishop mentions that this a "monestary" (rather than "church" or "temple"). Might consider changing for consistency
{406}{}{For our faith, distance is inconsequential. The messengers of the Renaissance have informed me of your rise.}
"Renaissance" -> "Rebirth", I think?
{413}{}{I blew up the Temple of Fire. It brought tragedy to the Villa, so I taste the same fate.}
{1413}{}{I blew up the Temple of Fire. It brought tragedy to the Villa, so I taste the same fate.}
I think "so I taste the same fate" should be the opposite: "so I gave it a taste of the same fate."
-----
FCBoss.msg: Faber
{261}{}{Aright...}
"Alright..."
{283}{}{Several patrols have gone missing in the city ruins to the east. People say they heard gunfire. Find out what going on and eliminate the problem - I'll pay you 300 caps.}
"what going on" -> "what's going on"
{200}{}{(looks you over, as if evaluating your worth) I haven't seen you before. Who the hell are you?}
{1200}{}{Pardon my ignorance, but a lady shouldn't be wandering in such places without an escort. I haven't seen you before. Where are you from?}
"Pardon my ignorance" is odd—what is he apologizing for? Perhaps just drop this phrase, or "Pardon me for being forward,"
{202}{}{Hmph? It's been a while since someone dared talk back to me. All those who did, well, they're dead now. I'll give you a minute for your courage. I'm curious to hear you out.}
Consider "I'll give you a minute for your courage" -> "Your courage has earned you one minute of my time."
{205}{}{I'm looking for my people, the villagers from Villa. They say they're in your pen.}
"They say" sounds like the villagers are saying that. Perhaps "I'm told they're in your pen."
{219}{}{That's all, I'll be going.}
Perhaps "I'll be going" -> "I'm leaving" or "I'll be going now"
{220}{}{Is that all? A minute of talking will cost you 100 caps.}
Perhaps "One minute of conversation will cost" or just "Access to the pen will cost", since I don't think the minute is enforced
{224}{}{No problem. My guards will let you in and out... if you behave.}
Consider moving ellipsis to make it sound more threatening:
"No problem. My guards will let you in... and out, if you behave."
{226}{}{I don't have that many caps. Just give us a minute!}
"us" -> "me", or "Just give us a minute to talk!". Perhaps a better flow would be "Just let me in!"
{231}{}{What kind of labor are we talking about?}
{232}{}{Mining for uranium ore here, working caravans to the south, rebuilding Flagstaff, sometimes we get orders from Phoenix... Can't remember them all.}
"them" doesn't conjugate with "kind of labor". Perhaps "Can't remember everything." Also consider "Mining for uranium ore here" -> "Mining uranium ore"
{234}{}{Until recently, it was. Half the scum in our colony got caught by lawmen in the southern lands. Then they were brought here. Raiders, rapists, card debtors - we'll find uses for everyone.}
"Half the scum in our colony got caught by lawmen" -> "Half the scum in our colony were caught by lawmen" to match "were" in the next sentence.
{240}{}{A savage like you has a narrow view of things. Do you know about the cities to the south? True civilization is reviving there. Like in the old days.}
"True civilization is reviving there" -> "A true civilization is being revived there."
{242}{}{Flagstaff supplies uranium, and our prisoners are the main workforce in this chain. Without us, there'd be no progress in the south. We're making history, and now your pathetic village can be part of it. You'll do something useful for the rest of the world.}
"the main workforce in this chain" sounds like a mixed up metaphor. Perhaps "the main link in this chain."
{249}{}{There are a few buyers in the south. Most of our goods used to be bought by the Church of the Holy Fire. Now it's a bit trickier with clients.}
"Now it's a bit trickier with clients." -> "Now it's a bit trickier to find clients."
{255}{}{Alright, let's make a deal. There are a few problems that need solving. Do that, and I'll release your fellow peasants that remain in the pen.}
Consider "Do that, and I'll release your fellow peasants that remain in the pen." -> "Solve my problems, and I'll release your fellow peasants."
{260}{}{What the hell are you talking about?! The mine is ruined, and it'll take months to clear it! Does that sound like solving problems? No. Now get the hell out!}
"Does that sound like solving problems?"
{271}{}{Well... the villagers are sick. Can't you see?}
"Can't you see?" -> "Haven't you noticed?" or "Isn't it obvious?"
{278}{}{(yells) You rat bastard, do you even realize that a handful of filthy peasants are putting the whole of Flagstaff at risk! Years of hard work establishing and controlling an entire town, the hopes of the entire south for prosperity - all of it down the brahmin's ass. Come on, time to show me what you're fuckin' made of!}
"You rat bastard, do you even realize that a handful of filthy peasants are putting the whole of Flagstaff at risk!" Not quite sure what he's getting at. Perhaps "You rat bastard, you and a handful of filthy peasants have put the whole of Flagstaff at risk!"
{288}{}{The ruins of the old city are too difficult and dangerous. I'd lose more people if I sent them in. But now I have you... What's wrong? Having second thoughts already?}
Consider "What's wrong? Having second thoughts already?" -> "What's wrong? Having second thoughts?
{306}{}{There was a ranger saboteur in the ruins, but he's already left Flagstaff.}
{307}{}{Ranger? Unexpected, yet not a big surprise. I had a feeling we'd have trouble with those narrow-minded lawmen sooner or later.}
"Ranger?" -> "A ranger?". "Unexpected, yet not a big surprise" sounds somewhat contradictory. Perhaps "Unfortunate, but not unexpected."
{315}{}{God damn... if you're fuckin' me around, it'll cost you your life. Get your peasant friends out of here before I change my mind.}
Consider "if you're fuckin' me around." "if you're fuckin' around with me."
{317}{}{Hard to believe a peasant could solve all these problems. Even more perplexing is your diligence. Your people have been free for a while now.}
{1317}{}{Hard to believe a peasant woman could solve all these problems. Even more perplexing is your diligence. Your people have been free for a while now.}
Maybe "doggedness" instead of "dilligence"? Or reword "It's even more perplexing to me that you're helping us after your people were already freed."
{321}{}{You're just a sick bastard. Time to put an end to you!}
Maybe "You're a sick bastard. Time to put an end to you!"
{333}{}{Wait... What are you saying? We recently got a batch of slaves from the Villa. Are you from there? No wonder they left you at home - even a shovel is too much for an idiot like you.}
"the Villa" -> "Villa" (unless he's being purposefully wrong)
{344}{}{I'm an honored member of the Brotherhood of Steel. And I demand: release these innocent villagers, or the Brotherhood will bring its wrath down on you.}
"And I demand: release these innocent villagers" -> "And I demand the release of these innocent villagers" (colon is a bit strange here)
{345}{}{Pff. Is everyone in your Brotherhood so pompous? Fine. But why the sudden change? You were the ones who demanded maintaining the labour supply by any means necessary.}
"labour" -> "labor" to match rest of dialog(s)
{353}{}{But he's not just beating them, he's injuring them. And for no serious reason.}
maybe "maiming" or "crippling" instead of "injuring" to be clear what the problem is
{356}{}{I'm not liking the sound of this. I put Lash in charge of maintaining order, relying on his firmness. If he's really going overboard, I won't let it slide. Workers are too expensive to waste so carelessly.}
Perhaps "I put Lash in charge of maintaining order, relying on his firmness." -> "I rely on Lash's firm hand to maintain order."
{362}{}{...Alright. I'm not against getting rid of Lash. It'll be amusing to see one warden replace another. Though, I still don't get why you care.}
Lash isn't the warden, he's the overseer. "warden" -> "overseer"
----
FSCmpSlv.msg: Faber's computer
{215}{}{A group of prisoners from Villa disappeared in the mine. Either I underestimated these hicks, or our defenses are inadequate. We must enforce stricter punishments.}
Not wrong, but "or our security is inadequate" feels more accurate for a prison.
{223}{}{When I created this colony, I hoped to realize the New World idea. But visitors only care about caps. Dirty bastards, I'll enforce new laws and make them change!}
"I hoped to realize the New World idea" -> "I hoped to bring about a New World" (or "create").
This one is a bit odd to me, since I thought the "New World" was Church of the Fire thing... Does/did Kagan believe in that?