Fallout 2 mod Fallout Sonora 1.15 and Sonora Dayglow 1.15 Vanilla Translation

[malaise_chalk]

Starting a dialog-by-dialog review for Flagstaff. This one's pretty long but covers some of the major characters (Kagan, bartender, Administrator, Preacher), . I'll start putting the reviews in spoiler tags to avoid spamming this thread too badly.

Spoiler

FCAdmin.msg: Mine Administrator

{255}{}{The mine is infested with giant rats. They're munching on workers and gnawing our gear. First, off the rat king's gotta go - it's the biggest threat.}
"First, off" -> "First off,"

{263}{}{Wherever they are! Get it? Don't ask me! Checked those endless scrapyards you passed by?}
Instead of "Checked those ... ?", either "Have you checked those ... ?" or "Maybe check those ... ." or just "Check those ... ."

{205}{}{(changes tone) Okay, okay, let's not get carried away! The caravan men won't respect me much if I show up all battered... (to himself) Where do they find these people...}
"(to himself)" could be "(muttering)" (minor)

{298}{}{Anything I can pitch in with?}
"Anything I can do to pitch in?"


-----

FCBarmen.msg: bartender

{345}{}{Well, I'll be damned. Thought these old flags were lone gone. You've got a deal. I'll trade this carbine for the Arizona flag. It's in good condition, but ammo's scarce around here. Deal?}
"lone gone" -> "long gone"

{405}{}{I knnew you couldn't be trusted. Clear out of my bar.}
"knnew" -> "knew"

{436}{}{Their probably just drunk or something. I'll tan their hides like pig rats if they made me go there for nothing.}
"Their probably" -> "They're probably"

{243}{}{Too steep for me. Maybe next time, in the future, some other day.}
"Maybe next time, in the future, some other day" says the same thing three times. Perhaps just "Maybe next time."

{231}{}{Quick tip: watch your tongue. The workforce's a mix of cons and peons. Some serving time, others paying off debts. Sure, there are indentured savages, but we call 'em servants, not slaves.}
{232}{}{Why keep ex-cons on lockdown?}
It's unusual to say "con" except in the phrase "ex-con". "convicts" or "criminals" might be better. Also "in custody" sounds better than "on lockdown" to me.

{244}{}{Off to a good start. Folks'll appreciate it. Just remember - drinking alone won't earn you a rep around here.}
Another translation I'm referencing implies that should be "Just remember – a single drink won't earn you much goodwill." If we're keeping "rep", it probably needs to be "good rep" or "bad rep" since by default I would say without qualifiers "rep" has mildly negative implications by itself.

{270}{}{What's on the trading menu today?}
{271}{}{Alcohol and snacks, my friend. What else do you expect to find in a bar? Although sometimes I gotta play the role of a whole darn store.}
"trading menu" is odd. Either "what's on the menu?" (leaning into the fact that it's a bar) or jsut "What are you selling today?"

{285}{}{Ah, there was a bit of a trade "hiccup". If you're not a fan of the prices, well, good luck finding another watering hole in this city. Spoiler alert: there ain't one.}
I'm not quite sure which line this is a response to, but the first sentence is awkward. "Ah, what's the hold up?" might work.

{367}{}{Whoa! You really beat the game! Here, this drinks on me. You've earned it after all that tension.}
I get that he's talking about the performance being stressful/tense, but "You've earned it after that performance." reads a bit better.

{407}{}{Bad news. The mine boss is dead. Mine's a mess right now.}
{408}{}{Damn... that's rough. He was a good customer for those meals. Hope the new boss keeps up the tradition. Keep the lunch as payment.}
"mine boss" sounds like Kagan, but I'm pretty sure these lines are talking about the administor, which might fit the text better. "He was a good customer for those meals" could be "He bought lunch from me almost every day." or "He almost kept me in business single-handedly."


----

FCBarTlk.msg:{223}{}{Here's some nuclear beer. Not fancy, but it'll keep the conversation flowing, right?}
Should "nuclear beer" be "Nuka Cola"?

-----

FCBishop.msg: Preacher Hiram

{256}{}{The majority of settlers hold reverence for the Holy Fire, or at least feign as much. However, Faber's mercenaries are largely faithless, and skepticism pervades within the populace. Fear not; the Holy Fire shall eventually illumine their minds. My apprehension lies with those who strike out against its wisdom.}
"skepticism pervades within the populace" might be better as "skepticism pervades throughout the populace" or just "prevades the populace"


{319}{}{Festus's son became a source of discord. I pleaded to send the gifted youth for temple teachings, but Festus adamantly refused. Sadly, in Flagstaff, many fail to recognize the value of knowledge, relying instead on brute force.}
"I pleaded to send the gifted youth" -> "I pleaded with him to send the gifted youth" sounds a bit better to me

{365}{}{Your 'principles'' could turn public opinion against you.}
"Your 'principles' could turn public opinion against you."

{416}{}{So it's done. For... Vengence? What a barbaric motive! But if the church is gone, then I'll discard the preacher's robe and leave Flagstaff. Your actions grant me the chance for a fresh start. Perhaps it's not all bad.}
"Vengence" -> "Vengeance"

{404}{}{Greetings. I'm glad to see a fellow believer in our monastery. Welcome to radiant Flagstaff!}
{1404}{}{Greetings. I'm glad to see a fellow believer in our monastery. Welcome to radiant Flagstaff!}
This is the only time the Bishop mentions that this a "monestary" (rather than "church" or "temple"). Might consider changing for consistency

{406}{}{For our faith, distance is inconsequential. The messengers of the Renaissance have informed me of your rise.}
"Renaissance" -> "Rebirth", I think?

{413}{}{I blew up the Temple of Fire. It brought tragedy to the Villa, so I taste the same fate.}
{1413}{}{I blew up the Temple of Fire. It brought tragedy to the Villa, so I taste the same fate.}
I think "so I taste the same fate" should be the opposite: "so I gave it a taste of the same fate."

-----

FCBoss.msg: Faber

{261}{}{Aright...}
"Alright..."

{283}{}{Several patrols have gone missing in the city ruins to the east. People say they heard gunfire. Find out what going on and eliminate the problem - I'll pay you 300 caps.}
"what going on" -> "what's going on"

{200}{}{(looks you over, as if evaluating your worth) I haven't seen you before. Who the hell are you?}
{1200}{}{Pardon my ignorance, but a lady shouldn't be wandering in such places without an escort. I haven't seen you before. Where are you from?}
"Pardon my ignorance" is odd—what is he apologizing for? Perhaps just drop this phrase, or "Pardon me for being forward,"

{202}{}{Hmph? It's been a while since someone dared talk back to me. All those who did, well, they're dead now. I'll give you a minute for your courage. I'm curious to hear you out.}
Consider "I'll give you a minute for your courage" -> "Your courage has earned you one minute of my time."

{205}{}{I'm looking for my people, the villagers from Villa. They say they're in your pen.}
"They say" sounds like the villagers are saying that. Perhaps "I'm told they're in your pen."

{219}{}{That's all, I'll be going.}
Perhaps "I'll be going" -> "I'm leaving" or "I'll be going now"

{220}{}{Is that all? A minute of talking will cost you 100 caps.}
Perhaps "One minute of conversation will cost" or just "Access to the pen will cost", since I don't think the minute is enforced

{224}{}{No problem. My guards will let you in and out... if you behave.}
Consider moving ellipsis to make it sound more threatening:
"No problem. My guards will let you in... and out, if you behave."

{226}{}{I don't have that many caps. Just give us a minute!}
"us" -> "me", or "Just give us a minute to talk!". Perhaps a better flow would be "Just let me in!"

{231}{}{What kind of labor are we talking about?}
{232}{}{Mining for uranium ore here, working caravans to the south, rebuilding Flagstaff, sometimes we get orders from Phoenix... Can't remember them all.}
"them" doesn't conjugate with "kind of labor". Perhaps "Can't remember everything." Also consider "Mining for uranium ore here" -> "Mining uranium ore"

{234}{}{Until recently, it was. Half the scum in our colony got caught by lawmen in the southern lands. Then they were brought here. Raiders, rapists, card debtors - we'll find uses for everyone.}
"Half the scum in our colony got caught by lawmen" -> "Half the scum in our colony were caught by lawmen" to match "were" in the next sentence.

{240}{}{A savage like you has a narrow view of things. Do you know about the cities to the south? True civilization is reviving there. Like in the old days.}
"True civilization is reviving there" -> "A true civilization is being revived there."

{242}{}{Flagstaff supplies uranium, and our prisoners are the main workforce in this chain. Without us, there'd be no progress in the south. We're making history, and now your pathetic village can be part of it. You'll do something useful for the rest of the world.}
"the main workforce in this chain" sounds like a mixed up metaphor. Perhaps "the main link in this chain."

{249}{}{There are a few buyers in the south. Most of our goods used to be bought by the Church of the Holy Fire. Now it's a bit trickier with clients.}
"Now it's a bit trickier with clients." -> "Now it's a bit trickier to find clients."

{255}{}{Alright, let's make a deal. There are a few problems that need solving. Do that, and I'll release your fellow peasants that remain in the pen.}
Consider "Do that, and I'll release your fellow peasants that remain in the pen." -> "Solve my problems, and I'll release your fellow peasants."

{260}{}{What the hell are you talking about?! The mine is ruined, and it'll take months to clear it! Does that sound like solving problems? No. Now get the hell out!}
"Does that sound like solving problems?"

{271}{}{Well... the villagers are sick. Can't you see?}
"Can't you see?" -> "Haven't you noticed?" or "Isn't it obvious?"

{278}{}{(yells) You rat bastard, do you even realize that a handful of filthy peasants are putting the whole of Flagstaff at risk! Years of hard work establishing and controlling an entire town, the hopes of the entire south for prosperity - all of it down the brahmin's ass. Come on, time to show me what you're fuckin' made of!}
"You rat bastard, do you even realize that a handful of filthy peasants are putting the whole of Flagstaff at risk!" Not quite sure what he's getting at. Perhaps "You rat bastard, you and a handful of filthy peasants have put the whole of Flagstaff at risk!"

{288}{}{The ruins of the old city are too difficult and dangerous. I'd lose more people if I sent them in. But now I have you... What's wrong? Having second thoughts already?}
Consider "What's wrong? Having second thoughts already?" -> "What's wrong? Having second thoughts?

{306}{}{There was a ranger saboteur in the ruins, but he's already left Flagstaff.}
{307}{}{Ranger? Unexpected, yet not a big surprise. I had a feeling we'd have trouble with those narrow-minded lawmen sooner or later.}
"Ranger?" -> "A ranger?". "Unexpected, yet not a big surprise" sounds somewhat contradictory. Perhaps "Unfortunate, but not unexpected."

{315}{}{God damn... if you're fuckin' me around, it'll cost you your life. Get your peasant friends out of here before I change my mind.}
Consider "if you're fuckin' me around." "if you're fuckin' around with me."

{317}{}{Hard to believe a peasant could solve all these problems. Even more perplexing is your diligence. Your people have been free for a while now.}
{1317}{}{Hard to believe a peasant woman could solve all these problems. Even more perplexing is your diligence. Your people have been free for a while now.}
Maybe "doggedness" instead of "dilligence"? Or reword "It's even more perplexing to me that you're helping us after your people were already freed."

{321}{}{You're just a sick bastard. Time to put an end to you!}
Maybe "You're a sick bastard. Time to put an end to you!"

{333}{}{Wait... What are you saying? We recently got a batch of slaves from the Villa. Are you from there? No wonder they left you at home - even a shovel is too much for an idiot like you.}
"the Villa" -> "Villa" (unless he's being purposefully wrong)

{344}{}{I'm an honored member of the Brotherhood of Steel. And I demand: release these innocent villagers, or the Brotherhood will bring its wrath down on you.}
"And I demand: release these innocent villagers" -> "And I demand the release of these innocent villagers" (colon is a bit strange here)

{345}{}{Pff. Is everyone in your Brotherhood so pompous? Fine. But why the sudden change? You were the ones who demanded maintaining the labour supply by any means necessary.}
"labour" -> "labor" to match rest of dialog(s)

{353}{}{But he's not just beating them, he's injuring them. And for no serious reason.}
maybe "maiming" or "crippling" instead of "injuring" to be clear what the problem is

{356}{}{I'm not liking the sound of this. I put Lash in charge of maintaining order, relying on his firmness. If he's really going overboard, I won't let it slide. Workers are too expensive to waste so carelessly.}
Perhaps "I put Lash in charge of maintaining order, relying on his firmness." -> "I rely on Lash's firm hand to maintain order."

{362}{}{...Alright. I'm not against getting rid of Lash. It'll be amusing to see one warden replace another. Though, I still don't get why you care.}
Lash isn't the warden, he's the overseer. "warden" -> "overseer"

----

FSCmpSlv.msg: Faber's computer

{215}{}{A group of prisoners from Villa disappeared in the mine. Either I underestimated these hicks, or our defenses are inadequate. We must enforce stricter punishments.}
Not wrong, but "or our security is inadequate" feels more accurate for a prison.

{223}{}{When I created this colony, I hoped to realize the New World idea. But visitors only care about caps. Dirty bastards, I'll enforce new laws and make them change!}
"I hoped to realize the New World idea" -> "I hoped to bring about a New World" (or "create").

This one is a bit odd to me, since I thought the "New World" was Church of the Fire thing... Does/did Kagan believe in that?

 

[Cambragol]

Okay, going through these, focusing on the ones I didn't change or that need notes. Otherwise they are mostly in as per your suggestions.

{232}{}{Why keep ex-cons on lockdown?}
It's unusual to say "con" except in the phrase "ex-con". "convicts" or "criminals" might be better. Also "in custody" sounds better than "on lockdown" to me.

I changed this all to convicts, and simplified it. They shouldn't be ex-cons if they are still incarcerated.

{285}{}{Ah, there was a bit of a trade "hiccup". If you're not a fan of the prices, well, good luck finding another watering hole in this city. Spoiler alert: there ain't one.}
I'm not quite sure which line this is a response to, but the first sentence is awkward. "Ah, what's the hold up?" might work.

This one makes sense and is just referencing line 284.

FCBarTlk.msg:{223}{}{Here's some nuclear beer. Not fancy, but it'll keep the conversation flowing, right?}
Should "nuclear beer" be "Nuka Cola"?

This line is not included. Commented out of the script. But it was a beer.

"Pardon my ignorance" is odd—what is he apologizing for? Perhaps just drop this phrase, or "Pardon me for being forward,"

Maybe 'Pardon my ignorance, but I thought ladies shouldn't be wandering places like this without an escort.'

{223}{}{When I created this colony, I hoped to realize the New World idea. But visitors only care about caps. Dirty bastards, I'll enforce new laws and make them change!}
"I hoped to realize the New World idea" -> "I hoped to bring about a New World" (or "create").

This one is a bit odd to me, since I thought the "New World" was Church of the Fire thing... Does/did Kagan believe in that?

This might be a good spot to drop in a reference to the 'Rebirth' or at least Faber's. Maybe something like this:
{223}{}{When I created this colony, I hoped to bring about my own take on the 'Rebirth'. A New World, brought up by my own hands. But the colonists, and everyone who comes here, only care about caps. Stupid bastards, I'll enforce my laws and make them change!}


Okay the rest are in. All very good stuff. I mostly followed your suggestions, but in a few places smooth out some surrounding text too.
Thanks again for these fantastic reports, and keep it coming!

 

[malaise_chalk]

Maybe 'Pardon my ignorance, but I thought ladies shouldn't be wandering places like this without an escort.'

Nice.

This might be a good spot to drop in a reference to the 'Rebirth' or at least Faber's. Maybe something like this:
{223}{}{When I created this colony, I hoped to bring about my own take on the 'Rebirth'. A New World, brought up by my own hands. But the colonists, and everyone who comes here, only care about caps. Stupid bastards, I'll enforce my laws and make them change!}

I like it. (And of course, I meant "Faber" when I said "Kagan". My mind mixes up the two names since they are pretty similar in mouthfeel.)

 

[malaise_chalk]

Another chunk of Flagstaff reviews, including Madre and Mrs. Brandley.

Spoiler

FCCrvBos.msg

{213}{}{If your lookin' for business, we can't help you. We only work with the administration of this mine.}
"If your" -> "If you're"
"We only work with the administration of this mine. -> "We only work with the mine administration." maybe also drop "administration"

{226}{}{The largest city I know of. You'll find everything there that can be found in the Wasteland, but you need to be careful. The city is not safe, ever since the fire worshippers took over.}
"The city is not safe ever since the fire worshippers took over." (comma splice)

{229}{}{Strange folks. They worship pre-war atomic energy - that's all I understand. Too many words to take in. But they don't sit idle either - it was under their control that Phoenix became a real city.}
Maybe "Strange folks. They worship pre-war atomic energy - they use too many words to understand any more than that. But they aren't just talk - it was under their control that Phoenix became a real city."

{233}{}{Everyone who has good old nuclear-powered equipment. But the fire worshippers in Phoenix buy the uranium first and then sell it to smaller buyers at five times the price.}
"The fire worshippers in Phoenix buy uranium in bulk and sell it to smaller buyers for five times the price."

{235}{}{It does... if you eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This ore is slightly radioactive and harmless until it's in the reactor. Then it's better to stay as far away as possible.}
"This ore is slightly radioactive..." -> "This ore is only slightly radioactive..."

{241}{}{With your leaky pockets, you can't even hope for road dust.}
I'm not sure what this means

{258}{}{You're caravanners. Do you really care who you work for?}
{259}{}{Others cared who we worked for. Because of our connections with the fire worshippers and Faber's mercenaries, not everyone will want to deal with us. Our competitors were always jealous. Setting up new routes is going to be very difficult. If it's even possible.}
"Others cared who we worked for" -> "No, but others shut as hell/fuck do." (adding some emotion to the line, since thier business is ruined)
"Because of our connections with the fire worshippers and Faber's mercenaries, not everyone will want to deal with us" -> "Working with the fire worshippers and Faber's mercs didn't exactly make us popular, and our competitors were always envious of our position." (emotion here is envy more so than jealousy)

{260}{}{So you're not heading out at all?}
{261}{}{Exactly. Until the situation improves, we'll have to stay in Flagstaff. I don't know what we'll do yet, but we'll figure something out.}
"So you're not leaving?" or "So you're not going to try to set up a new deal elsewhere?"

{304}{}{Phoenix doesn't offer a warm welcome, just a short drop and a sudden stop. We're still figuring out our next move.}
"just a short drop and a sudden stop" I think might be referencing a noose based on another translation. Perhaps
"There's nothing for us in Phoenix except a noose dangling from a lamppost."

{335}{}{I had a few quesitons before we head out.}
"quesitons" -> "questions"


In general, I feel like the dialog for the caravan boss could use a few more clipped verbs if that's his style of speaking, perhaps:
{252}{}{You don't know what's been going on? The mine is out of business, and so are we.}
"You don't know what's been goin' on? The mine is out of business, and so are we.

{237}{}{Are you talking about Faber and his mercenaries? I don't care. Me and my people need work. And the colony provides jobs and stable income. That's enough for me.}
"Are you talkin' about Faber and his mercenaries?"

{250}{}{...I'm telling you, we're not going anywhere... Wait, you're not from the administration, are you? Then forget it.}
"...I'm tellin' you, we're not going anywhere..."

{400}{}{We're stopping here for a day. Feel free to explore, but remember, the caravan won't wait if you're late.}
"We're stoppin' here for a day."

-----

FCCrvMan.msg:{114}{}{Every trade trip could be your last.}
Perhaps "Every [trade] convoy could be your last." (or "journey")

-------

FCCtznB.msg (late night church defacer)

{212}{}{What's your take on the Cult of the Holy Fire?}
"What's your take on the Church of the Holy Fire?" since "cult" implies a negative take that the PC might not have. Also adds more impact to the response ("I never liked that cult.")

{215}{}{Yeah... if you bribe him with a bunch of caps and then listen to his idiotic ramblings. I can spout that nonsense about radiation, X-rays, and atoms for free. The whole Church of the Holy Fire is full of charlatans who only help for hefty donations.}
"I can spout that nonsense about " -> "I can spout nonsense about " or "I could spout that nonsense about " reads a bit better

{221}{}{If you offer me some incentive, I'll rid the city of the preacher.}
"If you offer me some incentive" is a tad stilted. I think the meaning here might be "If you can provide a good reason, I'll rid the city of the preacher.", since the response is about how the church condoned the attack on Villa. But I'm not certain.


{232}{}{Not if you pretend you sympathize with the cult now.}
"cult" -> "church" for similar reasons (could go either way on this one)
"Not if you pretend you sympathize with the cult now." -> "Not if you pretend you now sympathize with the cult."

-----

FCFarmA.msg

{219}{}{Because then I'd have to give them almost all of my harvest for ten years. Those are the conditions. But my farm can only feed a couple of people, no more.}
"Those are the conditions." -> "Those are the terms." (minor)

{315}{}{This land started to bear fruit only thanks to our sweat and blood! I put in too much work to give it to some thieves. They'll leave someday anyway.}
"I put in too much work to give it to some thieves." -> "I put in too much work to lose it to some thieves." (minor)
"They'll leave someday anyway." -> "They'll leave some day anyway." (which is a bit odd to me… he's just planning on waiting them out?

{317}{}{(confused) Morrison... Never mind. This sign is probably a hundred years old. Now *I* own this land!})
"This sign" -> "That sign" (minor)

{319}{}{They lived here before us. Savages, that is. They didn't adapt to the new life, but they learned to rob. The garrison guards brought out almost everyone, but this gang turned out to be too tenacious.}
"The garrison guards brought out almost everyone". "brought out" doesn't quite parse. Perhaps "drove out" or "took out"

{320}{}{You didn't mention that.}
{321}{}{Why? Listen, they are simple raiders. They come and take what doesn't belong to them. Nothing else matters.}
"Why?" -> "Why would I?"


------

FCFarmB.msg

{203}{}{[Defend]}
Perhaps "[Defend]" -> "[Defend yourself]"

---

FCMadre.msg Madre in the pen

{105}{}{Your madre has died. You need to find other members of the Villa.}
"You need to find other members of the Villa." -> "You need to find other members of your tribe." (at least, remove "the")

{217}{}{Nothing special, don't worry. Mostly, I did the same household chores as in the Villa. Only more and harder. These colonists are so... grim. The men were made to work in the mine. They've really had it tough.}
"the Villa" -> "Villa"
Perhaps "Only more and harder." -> "Only more, and they were much harder."

{225}{}{Faber has released all of you. It's time to return to the Villa.}
"the Villa" -> "Villa"

{227}{}{I'll see you back at the Villa, madre.}
"the Villa" -> "Villa"

{239}{}{The only ones who might be able to help are the Rangers. Their base is south of the Villa, on the Colorado River. But don't rush to beg them for help. The Rangers don't offer their protection for free.}
"the Villa" -> "Villa"

Hmm, taking a more expansive look, there are dozens of references to "the Villa". It seems like most of the references in the script omit "the", treating "Villa" akin to a city name, but there are many of "The Villa" too, mostly (but not merely) among Villa residents (would might naturally be saying "the village" in spanish). I don't have a strong opinion here, but might need a bit of thought.


{200}{}{? How did you... For heaven's sake, you shouldn't have taken such a risk! We would have found a way back to Villa... But of course, I'm so happy to see you. How proud your padre would be to know of the determination by his child! You've done well.}
"How proud your padre would be to know of the determination by his child" -> "How proud your padre would be to know of his child's determination!" or more pithily "Your padre would be proud of the grit you have shown."


{212}{}{So happy to see you.}
Seems pretty causal for the circumstances. perhaps "I'm so happy to see you!"


----

FCMer.msg Mercenary from Villa, also while he's your companion

{231}{}{Ah, the wasteland has finally taken its toll on you. Spare me the unnecessary bruises on my fists - vanish!}
"Vanish!" seems too formal for the merc. maybe "Scram!"

{300}{}{Answer some pointless questions.}
Why would the PC consider the questions be pointless if he's asking them? This is the route into "companion" questions like "what weapons are you skilled with?", so it's a bit perplexing. Initially I thought it was just 4th-wall breaking cheekiness, but the rest of the script doesn't really match that tone.

{244}{}{It's time we parted ways. You're free to go.}
Minor, but this read to me like it's possible that he's stop being your companion permanently if you choose this option. Perhaps "It's time we parted ways. Wait for me here."

----

FCMinBrk.msg

{228}{}{Good point. They say that before creating the colony, Faber brought in some guys who repaired and setup the equipment. Only after that did he bring people here and start production. None of the locals could have done this.}
"setup" -> "set up"

{257}{}{What? Are you serious? You'd kill a man for a handful of prisoners? Even the mercenaries in the garrison aren't that bloodthirsty. And a worse tyrant would probably take Lash's place. Any way, don't involve me in this. I have nothing to do with it!}
"Any way" -> "Anyway"

{253}{}{I don't know why I'm telling you this, but Lash forces him to rewrite reports, claiming the imprisoned workers were caught in a landslide or injured themselves. He doesn't want to tarnish his reputation. But he also keeps the administrator under his thumb.}
Perhaps "rewrite reports" -> "fabricate reports" and drop "imprisoned"

Suggested rewrite: "I don't know why I'm telling you this, but Lash also keeps the administrator under his thumb. Lash forces him to fabricate reports that claim workers are caught in landslides or were injured in accidents. He doesn't want the full extent of his brutality to be known."

FCMinGrd.msg

{205}{}{Silence! What are you doing, you piece of shit? Want to be sent to hard labor? I'll make you die on your feet! You'll eat dirt and drink your own urine! Is that clear?}
"I'll make you die on your feet!" (?) -> "I'll strike you down where you stand!"

-----

FCPost Anne Brandley

{200}{}{(you see a woman in an unusually decent outfit; she seems to take care of herself and looks down on those around her)}
"looks down" -> "look down" for conjugation. Honestly, this seems like a little much. "she seems to take care of herself" is redundant with knowing she's spiffily dressed.
suggestion: "(you see a smartly dressed woman with a supercilious air)"

{205}{}{(looks disdainfully) Hmm. Good afternoon. Where were you taught to talk to ladies like that? In a corn field?}
"looks disdainfully" -> "looks/glances at you disdainfully"

{212}{}{Let's go back to the beginning of the conversation.}
This is part of the control flow when answering questions about herself or Sonora Express. It feels a bit too clunky. Maybe "There's something else I want to ask you about."

{218}{}{Thanks for the rescue! It was a dangerous situation. In gratitude, I'm gonna give you a big discount if our transportation services are needed.}
"gonna" seems too colloquial for Mrs. Brandley. "In gratitude, I'll give you a big discount on our transportation services, should you ever need them."

{227}{}{(stumbling over every word, she draws up the contract and writes your name in the journal) Thank you for choosing our company. The package will be waiting at its destination.}
"Thank you for choosing (The) Sonora Express." reads a bit better to me.

{288}{}{Children? I can't believe it! Residents have always valued Flagstaff for its safety, with the garrison nearby and the impassable wall of barricades. And yet, the thieves were inside, not outside. And children too!}
"Residents have always valued Flagstaff for its safety, with the garrison nearby and the impassable wall of barricades" -> "People live in Flagstaff because it is safe from outside threats." or "... because it's one of the safest places in the wasteland."

{303}{}{We deliver small packages, transfers, and letters. For larger shipments, there's another company that works with the uranium mine.}
Perhaps "Larger shipments, like uranium from the mine, is usually instead transported by dedicated caravans."

{310}{}{Previously, along the route, there were only wolves and occasional tribes; the highwaymen had nothing to raid. Now, Flagstaff attracts people and caravans looking to earn money.}
Perhaps "There used to be nothing to raid on the route aside from the odd tribal. Now, ..."

{325}{}{It's a large but stifling city where competition prevents business to expand. There, I lacked freedom, and security.}
Perhaps "It's a large city but my business was stifled by cutthroat competition. There, I lacked freedom and security."
(This line is a bit odd since there is a branch of Sonora Express in Phoenix... were they competitors?)

{331}{}{Well, they grew out of a gang of slave traders a long while back. Now, they're like a small army, protecting the city, with their own 'general' and all, like in those pre-war stories. However, you probably haven't read much.}
"However, you probably haven't read much." -> "Not that I would expect *you* to have read them." (fits in with her snobbery)

 

[Cambragol]

Okay, diving into these:

{241}{}{With your leaky pockets, you can't even hope for road dust.}
I'm not sure what this means

This is one of those cases where the writing is trying to incorporate a apocalyptic vernacular (or it is Russian...). 'Road dust' is used elsewhere by caravan drivers etc. Here the caravan driver is reacting to the player offer 30 caps for info, then discovering he doesn't even have 30 caps. Changed it to :
{241}{}{With leaky pockets like yours, you'll get nothin' but road dust.} - maybe slightly better. It's either that or switch it completely to some kind of modern/90s rejection

{260}{}{So you're not heading out at all?}
{261}{}{Exactly. Until the situation improves, we'll have to stay in Flagstaff. I don't know what we'll do yet, but we'll figure something out.}
"So you're not leaving?" or "So you're not going to try to set up a new deal elsewhere?"

I don't mind this. Heading out seems more natural than 'leaving', especially when it is a caravan.

just a short drop and a sudden stop.

That is what it is referencing. Pretty standard reference. Old west lingo.

{105}{}{Your madre has died. You need to find other members of the Villa.}
"You need to find other members of the Villa." -> "You need to find other members of your tribe." (at least, remove "the")

It should definitely be 'member of the Villa' - they are a village not a tribe. I took some pains to shift the usage towards villagers, rather than tribespeople. As for Villa or 'the Villa', I have used both somewhat interchangeably - for now. I think there can be room for, er... a lack of standardization. Fallout 1 is *full* of that.

Hmm, taking a more expansive look, there are dozens of references to "the Villa". It seems like most of the references in the script omit "the", treating "Villa" akin to a city name, but there are many of "The Villa" too, mostly (but not merely) among Villa residents (would might naturally be saying "the village" in spanish). I don't have a strong opinion here, but might need a bit of thought.

Yes, I did think on this and opted for keeping the dual usage. As mentioned, I think there is room for this duality. For some things at least.

{300}{}{Answer some pointless questions.}
Why would the PC consider the questions be pointless if he's asking them? This is the route into "companion" questions like "what weapons are you skilled with?", so it's a bit perplexing. Initially I thought it was just 4th-wall breaking cheekiness, but the rest of the script doesn't really match that tone.

I remember this seemed odd. I changed it to:
{300}{}{I've got some questions.}
simple.

{244}{}{It's time we parted ways. You're free to go.}
Minor, but this read to me like it's possible that he's stop being your companion permanently if you choose this option. Perhaps "It's time we parted ways. Wait for me here."

Maybe, but he responds with:
{245}{}{That's it? Damn, I expected more. If you need me again, I'll be here waiting.}
Which reassures the player he can always re 'equip' him.

"I'll make you die on your feet!" (?)

Switched this to "I'll make your life a living hell"

{212}{}{Let's go back to the beginning of the conversation.}
This is part of the control flow when answering questions about herself or Sonora Express. It feels a bit too clunky. Maybe "There's something else I want to ask you about."

There were a looooot of cases like this. I tried to smooth most of them over.

{218}{}{Thanks for the rescue! It was a dangerous situation. In gratitude, I'm gonna give you a big discount if our transportation services are needed.}
"gonna" seems too colloquial for Mrs. Brandley. "In gratitude, I'll give you a big discount on our transportation services, should you ever need them."

Of note, I tried for a chunk of time to get the parcel service working in game. There was left over code, but it just didn't worked. It seems like it could be possible, but there may be some technical hurdles.

All good stuff. Aside from those noted above, the others are all, with very little tweaks. Awesome as usual! Thank you!

 

[malaise_chalk]

I don't mind this. Heading out seems more natural than 'leaving', especially when it is a caravan.

Yeah, this one seemed odd to me since the caravan has no destination/route with no current customer or even prospects. I agree it's not critical to change.

{245}{}{That's it? Damn, I expected more. If you need me again, I'll be here waiting.}
Which reassures the player he can always re 'equip' him.

Fair.

That is what it is referencing. Pretty standard reference. Old west lingo.

Now that I'm familiar with the idiom, I completely agree. It's my natural assumption that awkward phrasing or odd idioms come from the original text, but that's not always the case!

Yes, I did think on this and opted for keeping the dual usage. As mentioned, I think there is room for this duality. For some things at least.

Agreed. It might be cool to have "the Villa" used more by residents and/or native spanish speakers who might naturally say "the village", and others naturally treat it more like a place name. But it's fine as it is.

Aside: the narration in the opening cinematic "Then life in Villa is about to change" pronounces "Villa" in an extremely anglo fashion (VILL-A instead of the more spanish VEEYA). I was curious if this was intentional or a side effect of the production process.

 

[malaise_chalk]

FInishing off Flagstaff. As always, there are very few typos or much to quibble with.

I think it'll take me quite a while to get through the whole game (I also haven't played through the whole thing either). Are there any areas you think could use attention more than others?

Spoiler

FCRadKid.msg:{116}{}{The situation has commenced.}
Perhaps unused based on the roughness of the line, but flagging it case it is used.

-----

FCRanger.msg Ranger in the ruins

{205}{}{(swiftly aims the gun at you)}
Maybe "(swiftly (and expertly) draws his gun)"

{216}{}{Shoot? Me? Torment?}
I don't remember this line, but "Torment?" is confusing.


{220}{}{I'm just a wanderer, scavenging for useful junk in these ruins.}
{221}{}{Not convincing. You're either here against your will or working for the mercenaries from the garrison.}
"Not convincing." -> "I'm not convinced." or "You're not particularly convincing."

{240}{}{Should've paid more attention during trap training I guess.}
If the idea is to be a bit snarky, perhaps "trap training" -> "Traps 101" or "trap school". If it is to play it straight, "trap training" -> "survival training" or just "training" (since "trap training" feels stilted and unreal)

{243}{}{Hold on, hold on! I really am here for something else.}
"I'm really here for something else." (current line sounds like the emphasis is on "am")

{261}{}{That's right. Faber's got a nagging conscience, knowing there's a higher justice out there. Well, your demise will serve as a little reminder for him...}
I don't 100% understand the gist of this, but perhaps something like:
"That's right. Faber is haunted by the feeling that there is a higher law judging his actions. Well, your demise will serve to soothe his conscience..."


{268}{}{My kin are locked up in the garrison's pen. I need to set them free.}
{269}{}{So that's what's driving you into the hunt? (start to lower weapon) Fits right in with Faber's style.}
"start" -> "starts"
{281}{}{Enslaved too, huh? Faber's thugs are getting bolder by the day. Used to be they only forced criminals into labor, now they're snatching up innocent folk.}
Perhaps "Enslaved too, huh?" -> "Were they enslaved too?"


{310}{}{Show me your traps, or I'm gonna leave here a cripple.}
"Show where you've placed your traps. I don't want to leave here a cripple."
{311}{}{Only fools or traitors would ask such a thing. My survival depends on these secrets.}
"My survival depends on these secrets" -> "My survival depends on keeping those secret."
{312}{}{I see. Then my fate rests on your secrets. Goodbye.}
"Then my fate rests on your secrets." -> "Then my death rests on your conscience." (perhaps? Couldn't quite get the gist.)

{316}{}{Worried about a spy from town, are you? Obviously not me.}
"You need a spy in town, don't you?" (got the gist from another translation)

{456}{}{Your base is underwater. Don't you think you should be helping your people?}
"underwater" -> "under water" or "flooded"

{474}{}{If vengence is all you can think of, I won't be able to sway you. Keep fighting then.}
{476}{}{I guess I am a little too bent on vengence. The general did warn me about this... Alright. I'm leaving Flagstaff and heading back to base. Thanks, friend.}
{1476}{}{I guess I am a little too bent on vengence. The general did warn me about this... Alright. I'm leaving Flagstaff and heading back to base. Thanks, ma'am.}
"vengence" -> "vengeance"

Also, there are quite a few clipped articles in this dialog that feel like remnants from the russian translation. They aren't wrong, but I think it would be more natural to include articles more often in English. These are all the PC so it isn't just the ranger's style of speaking.

{222}{}{Can't exactly ask the garrison for food. We have to scavenge in the ruins.}
"I can't..." or "We can't..."
{234}{}{Trying to catch children with those? Might work on them, but I'm an experienced trapper.}
"Are you trying..." "It might..."
{260}{}{Bounty hunter. Word is there's a hefty price on your head.}
"A bounty hunter..."

--------

FCSavage.msg:{102}{}{The savage does not understand your language. And besides, he is clearly not happy with you.}
"The savage does not understand your language. It also looks like he wouldn't talk to you if he did." or "And it looks like he wouldn't talk to you if he did."
(A bit of Fallout 1 description personality, perhaps)

----

FCSlvA.msg (Master beating his slave)

{116}{}{Looks like the jailers overcharged for you, you lump of dirt.}
Perhaps "Buying you was a rip off, you lump of dirt."

{114}{}{I don't even want to dirty my shoes kicking you.}
...
{117}{}{*Nudges the servant with his foot*}
"*Kicks the servant*" or "*Kicks the servant, dirtying his shoes*" for a laugh

{200}{}{(You see a thin man angrily hitting and kicking a constantly apologizing servant.)}
"constantly apologizing servant" -> "groveling servant"

{206}{}{A beaten and exhausted servant just makes you look bad.}
Perhaps "A beaten and exhausted servant just makes his master look foolish/bad/irresponsible."

{208}{}{Hmm, you might have a point. Fine, I'll be lenient today. But only today.}
Perhaps "But only for today." or "But only for one day."

-----

FCSlvB.msg The Slave
{211}{}{You're free.}
This seems to be the end of all conversations with him. It doesn't really make sense since the slave isn't freed—at best he has a reprieve from being beaten for one day. Any chance this is supposed to be something like "You can go."?

This quest also seems slightly buggy. It doesn't seem to matter how I resolve the conversation with the slave master, even "You're right, it's none of my business." All paths lead to the master walking away, and the slave thanking me when I talk to him.

{223}{}{A cap is a lot, senor. You can buy half an iguana for a cap. But... (he glances up at you briefly before looking down again) Yes, it's a small amount, sir. My owner was angry because of debts and the city's unrest.}
{1223}{}{A cap is a lot, ma'am. You can buy half an iguana for a cap. But... (he glances up at you briefly before looking down again) Yes, it's a small amount, ma'am. My owner was angry because of debts and the city's unrest.}
Perhaps "My owner was angry because of he owes a lot of money, and the city's restless." (not 100% certain of the intent here)

{233}{}{Escape? That's impossible, mi senor. There are guards all over the city, sirens would blare, and prisoners wear collars. But you can negotiate with the colony's warden. He's looking for people for special work.}
{1233}{}{Escape? That's impossible, mi senora. There are guards all over the city, sirens would blare, and prisoners wear collars. But you can negotiate with the colony's warden. He's looking for people for special work.}
This slave seems to be strangely sure about being able to negotiate, and that Faber would be willing to free slaves in return for a favour. Maybe:
"But you can negotiate with the colony's warden. He's looking for people for special work" -> "But maybe you can work something out with the colony's warden."

-----

FCSlvGrd.msg:{113}{}{Our colony is open to everyone... You know what I mean.}
Perhaps meant to be "Our colony is open to everyone... if you know what I mean." (implying that they'd enslaved anyone, I suppose?). Or "... if you catch my drift."

{123}{}{This isn't a hangout, go loiter somewhere else.}
Maybe "This isn't a place to hang out"

----

FCSlvKnf.msg:{214}{}{Weakling. I should hand you over to the overseer. Now that would be fuh.}
"fuh" -> "fun"

----

FCSlvScn Smart Guy

{214}{}{You're being difficult, bespectacled guy. Tell me the frequency, now!}
Maybe "bespectacled guy" -> "four-eyes"

{257}{}{Fine, live for now. I shouldn't have trusted the first person I met.}
Perhaps "Fine, live for now" -> "Fine, you can live for now"

------

FCTom.msg Tom

{225}{}{Come on, tell me your story, I won't tell anyone.}
{226}{}{The thing is, I'd just rather not.}
{228}{}{Looks like you've been through hell, keeping your mouth shut like that.}
Maybe "Looks like you've had a hard time keeping your mouth shut." I'm not exactly sure what the gist is here. Perhaps something more like "Looks like you're itching to tell your story."?

{233}{}{Then why is your place such a mess?}
{234}{}{You mean the writing on the walls? Local punks don't know how to blow off steam. They've made me their target. They know I'm not looking for trouble.}
"the writing on the walls" -> "the graffiti on the walls" (otherwise, it sounds like the expression)

{249}{}{You're just a weakling, Tom. Take it.}
"Take it." -> "Face it." or "Accept it."

{250}{}{Do you know where I can get scraps or parts to repair the robot in the mine?}
"scraps or parts" -> scrap parts"
(Also, isn't it more a "machine" than a "robot"?)

{265}{}{I'll pay you 10 caps if you tell me who did it.}
{266}{}{10 caps can loosen some lips. Do you have them?}
Maybe "10 caps could loosen my lips. Do you have enough?" or "10 caps is enough to loosen anyone's lips. ..."

----

FCTraper.msg Camp Winon Trapper

{221}{}{Isn't it obvious? They wanted our loot and to show who's boss. This tribe has a grudge against us.}
"to show who's boss" -> "to show us who's boss"

----

FCVillA.msg Sancho

{211}{}{It was a stupid plan. We tried to dig a tunnel out to the wasteland and escape, but we needed explosives. We messed it up, and collapsed the tunnel behind us.}
Perhaps "We tried to dig a tunnel out to the wasteland and escape, and we stole the needed explosives. We must've placed them wrong — the explosion collapsed the tunnel behind us."

{215}{}{To shovel that damn ore! It's cleaned and taken to another city, supposedly for energy. At the Villa, we use wood and oil. How do you burn stones? We're probably being fooled.}
"At the Villa, we use wood and oil" -> "At the Villa, we use wood and oil for fuel." ties in a little better to "burn stones" in the next sentence

{222}{}{Thanks for the help! We'll find our way. It's easier to evade mercenaries in a small group. You focus on saving the rest of the Villa's residents. We'd help, but after what we've been through, we're not much use. Good luck.}
"We'd help, but after what we've been through, we're not much use." -> "We won't be of much help after what we've been through."

----

FCVillB.msg Hugo

{204}{}{It's all Sancho's fault! He came up with the dumb idea to use explosives. Neither of us knew how to handle it, but he decided to try anyway. Ask him! Sancho's the 'boss' here.}
"Neither of us knew how to handle it" -> "Neither of us knows how to handle them" or "Neither of us knows the first thing about placing mining charges"

{226}{}{Sancho is talking nonsense. The explosion will only add more work for the slaves.}
{228}{}{But the enterprise will continue finding and using slaves. Our escape won't change anything. Don't you get it? Think about it. We need to go. Good luck.}
Perhaps "But the enterprise will continue finding and using slaves." -> "As long as the mine needs manpower, the cycle of slavery will continue."

----

FSTotems.msg:{111}{}{The totem burns in flames, instilling fear in the savages for their angry deity.}
Perhaps "The totem erupts in flames, filling every savage's heart with fear/dread of their wrathful god."