Terrorism Wars......This is a classic.

Brother None

This ghoul has seen it all
Orderite
CORUSCANT-Presiding over a memorial service commemorating the victims of the attack on the Death Star, the Emperor declared that while recent victories over the Rebel Alliance were "encouraging, the War on Terror is not over yet."

"We will continue to fight these terrorists, and the rogue governments who harbor them, until the universe is safe, once and for all, and the security of the Neo-New Cosmic Order ensured."

It was one year ago today that the Death Star, perhaps the greatest symbol of the Empire's might, was destroyed in an attack by fanatic Rebels, who used small, single-person crafts to infiltrate seemingly impenetrable defenses. Thousands of mourners were on hand to remember and pay tribute to the victims and their families.

"We lost our innocence that day," reflected one mourner. "I guess we thought we were immune from the kind of violence that happens in other galaxies. We were wrong."

"I lost hundreds of buddies that day," said one teary-eyed Stormtrooper. "Guys whose only crime was trying make the Universe a safer place." Although the day was colored by sadness, the mourners found some relief in the news of a decisive victory over the Rebels.

In an attack led by Darth Vader, Empire forces were able to rout hundreds of Rebels from a network of caves underneath the surface of the planet Hoth. "We're not sure we got them all," says a Vader spokesman. "There are a lot of places to hide in those caves. But we've delivered a powerful blow to the terrorist's infrastructure, that's for sure. Today, the Empire has struck back."

Initial reports are unclear as to the fate of Luke Skywalker, a hero among the Rebels, who is rumored to have delivered the fatal blow to the Death Star. Skywalker, a former desert-dweller from the planet Tattooine, became a part of the Rebellion after family members were killed. Skywalker was trained by a militant wing of the Rebels, known as "Jedi Knights." Fanatical in their religious beliefs, the Jedi Knights claim to derive their power from the mystical "Force."

It's believed that Skywalker was specifically trained by infamous terrorist O bin Wankanobi. Wankanobi, occasionally called "Ben" and easily recognized by his bearded visage and long, flowing robes, achieved near-martyr status among the Rebels after his death last year during a spy mission. His more fervent followers believe that Wankanobi lives on within them today, some even claiming to hear his voice during times of duress.

The attack on the Death Star came shortly after the Empire's destruction of Alderstaan, a planet whose government was known to harbor terrorists. Responding to criticism over the total annihilation of the planet, Vader stated, "There is no middle ground in the War on Terror. Those who harbor terrorists are terrorists themselves. Alderaan was issued ample warning. The fight for continuing Freedom is often burdened by terrible cost." The cost of this war can still be seen today in the continuing efforts to build a coalition government on Tattooine. Longstanding animosities among the planets various ethnic groups, including the Jawas, Tusken Raiders and scattered human settlers, have been an impediment to the peace process. The Empire continues to maintain a small peace keeping force until a provisional government is finally in place.

Much of the difficulty in fighting the Rebel forces stems from their lack of a central organizing structure. "They don't play by the traditional rules of war," complained one spokesman. "They come in all shapes and sizes, united only by their single-minded desire to destroy the Empire before it destroys them."

The Emperor closed his comments today by stating that "the cowardly attack n the Death Star left a deep scar on the Empire. However, we will not stop fighting until every last evildoer has been brought to justice." He paused for several moments, wiping away a tear and then added with determination, "We will never forget."

"I wish we could all just get along," said one of the mourners. "But it's hard to offer an olive branch to a cult of religious fanatics whose main tool is violence and who insist on calling us the Dark Side."
 
Newspaper article-like text relating events from Star Wars - Episode IV, with a few real life references thrown in. What about it? Is it a passable attempt at fan fiction? Is it supposed to be funny? What line of conversation were you trying to initiate?
I'm confused :help:
 
Montez said:
That's pretty incredible, Kharn. Did you write that?

Heh, no, stole it from the Asshats...Uhm, Asshelmets, I mean...They're the new hosts to the AOF (old Iplay-regulars will remember them)...they stole it from somewhere else.
 
I am writing this with what could only be described as a bemused expression on my face: I've re-read your post five times and I still don't get the joke. I guess it's a reference to the US, but what's funny?
 
Dude, Kurgan...

It's a joke. It parallels the situation with the US and Iraq/post 9-11 terror.

The Rebels are the Terrorists/Iraqis, and the Empire is America.

Duh.

By the way, that's the funniest thing I've read in a long while...

-Malk
 
Now, this makes me think of something that's been bugging me for the longest time.

Was the Empire really that bad?
 
Coming from playing Starwars Galaxies... The Empire is portrayed as pretty nice folks there; if Stormtroopers see you getting your ass-kicked by space butterflies they rush to your aid with a "Can I help you citizen?"

The Empire claims to want Peace and Order, and to get it they'll enslave civilizations, level planets, and in some cases destroy planets outright. Their hearts in the right direction, they just execute their idea a little overzealously...

But the analogy of the Empire being the United States of the Star Wars universe... I've made that argument in Galaxies. Not sure if thats a good thing, or a bad thing....

:lol: I just remembered... When we came back from our "Victory Forge" exercise at the end of basic training (kind of like the gauntlet for the Army), they had the Imperial Stormtrooper March blaring for us as we marched up, and I remember my friend telling me "I feel like a stormtrooper in an evil empire dude!" hehehehe almost completely forgot about that moment...
 
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