No Mutants Allowed

genetic manipulation

so, he should either be shooting the web out his ass, or at least an ass-adjacent gland-hole, or possibly even his dick

Originally, he built the web shooters and I *think* the mutation caused some sort of instinctual knowledge that helped him learn to build them. He was also already a very bright student, which helped.

Web shooters. The organic webshooters came about in the Ultimate series. I would argue he could shoot webs out his ass but he never tried. It would be a bit awkward to run around with your asshole hanging out. Not very handy in a fight.

He built web shooters that he wrist mounted so he could activate them manually with a finger switch on his palm. Originally, he was able to build them just because he was that smart. He boasted, to himself, about how smart he was for being able to build them and make his web fluid.

I was happy they did the web shooters justice in the newer movies. Plus this....https://youtu.be/MClFliOBL_8

Toront! I loved that show as a kid! I probably have some old VHS tapes with episodes on them still. Thanks for the throwback haha.

Because the mutation also gave him sphincters on his wrists, he kept his secret with Aunt May by caiming they were stigmatas, and he also uses that to pick up girls in Adventist churches.

Little do you all know that the sweat pores on our bodies look like tiny assholes. Behold! https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/comments/436tba/a_skin_pore_magnified/

Wait, so he can't organically build web!? Then what did the spider transfer? A slightly heightened sort of... then why "spider"-man? Why not just "hightened-senses-man"??

Super strength, sense, agility...lots of shit.

Later they added more lore that over complicated it. Spider Gods and nonsense but that was only 15 years or so ago now.

I'm dissapointed now. Real-organic-ass-shooting spider man had so much potential

You know when you go to squash a spider and it bolts? Yeah, Spider-Man does that too when Galactus (or any other giant like Sentinels) gets a boot to swing at him.

I believe they can sense our bioelectric field.

Sphincterman, Sphincterman, does whatever a sphincter can
Drops a turd any size, catches thieves just like flies
Look out, here comes the Sphincterman.

Is he strong? Listen bud, he's got radioactive crud
Can he smell like the dead? Take a sniff up ahead
Hey, there! There goes the Sphincterman.

In the chill of the night At the scene of a crime
Like a dash of blight he arrives just in time

Sphincterman, Sphincterman, friendly neighborhood, Sphincterman
Even though, he's abhorred, action is his reward
Look out, here comes the Sphincterman

Sphincterman, Sphincterman, friendly neighborhood, Sphincterman
Even though, he's abhorred, action is his reward
To him, life's a chance to suck up, whenever there's a fuck up,
You'll find the Sphincterman!

Look man, it was the 60's, Stan Lee probably read some factoid about spiders on the back of a soda cap or on a popsicle stick while inhaling a bunch of cocaine and thought it would make for a good comic book if a guy had those skills.