Adapting Van Buren (Workshop - Complete on Page 30)

[Atomic Postman]

Yep got a confirmation the final product is coming by the end of the week.

 

[Hardboiled Android]

@Atomic Postman

Alright, here it is: The hopefully complete set of corrections and suggestions for Colorado. As I've said, for the most part this is copy editing. The most pernicious and to me aggravating reoccurring pattern is what seems to be a burning hatred for the Oxford comma. Mostly these are small rephrasings, clarifications, punctuation insertions, etc. etc. A few of them are stylistic and you may choose not to include them, but for the most part I think you will probably see that these read better and are more gramattically correct for the most part. Pure copy-edits are marked with "-".

More substantive points are marked with *. These are comments, critiques, questions and suggestions, which I would like a direct response to.

FOREWORD

p. 2: -"This world-guide is both an effort in constructing a campaign settingfor Vault Archives Fallout PnP, but also an effort in collaborative worldbuilding for the sake of it." Rephrase to "This world guide is both an effort to construct a campaign for the Vault Archives Fallout PnP system, and also an exercise in collaborative worldbuilding for its own sake."
-"Effectively, dump ideas that were later recycled, reimagined or outright conflict with that of Vegas and create a vivid landscape of “The East” in the year 2253, when Van Buren was originally set and 28 years prior to the events of New Vegas." Rephrase to "Effectively, dump those ideas that were later recycled, reimagined, or outrighted contradiction in New Vegas, and further to construct a vivid landscape of "The East" in 2253, when Van Buren was originally set and 28 years prior to the events of New Vegas."
-"Developing off of both the ideas and design documentation of Van Buren, as well as entirely novel ideas and twists." Rephrase to "This setting was constructed incorporating the ideas and design documents of Van Buren in addition to entirely novel ideas and twists.
-"The goal is to create a Fallout world that is consistent in tone, carries the torch of Van Buren and also allows the players to shape a world with their decisions not just constricted by the potential future of New Vegas." Rephrase to "The goal is to create a Fallout world that is consistent in tone, that carries the torch of Van Buren, and that allows the players to shape a world with their decisions in a manner not constricted by the potential future of New Vegas."
-Give yourself credit as the primary writer, not just organizer.

COLORADO

VAN BUREN

p. 5: -"Nestled inside Capitol Peak of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, the Van Buren Prison was a gigantic project commissioned by the Department of Civil Defense (the Fallout world's equivalent of Homeland Security) in the late 2050s. Intended to hold America's greatest enemies. Terrorists, communist agents and major dissidents." Rep. to "Nestled inside Capitol Peak in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, Van Buren Prison was a gigantic project commissioned by the Department of Civil Defense (the Fallout world's equivalent of Homeland Security) in the late 2050s to hold America's greatest enemies - terrorists, communist agents, and major dissidents."
-"Designed to act as the test bed for the CODE Conditioning Protocol on the most far-gone, anti-American prisoners." Rep. to "The prison was now to serve as a test bed for the experimental CODE Conditioning Protocol on the most far-gone, anti-American prisoners."
-"Initially conceived as a forced re-education, through heavily incentivized learning programs and tests to instill behavior and attitudes reflecting the whitepicket fence American ideal." Rep. to "Initially the program was conceived of as a forced re-education initiative that through heavily 'incentivized' learning programs and tests would instill behavior and attitudes reflecting the white-picket fence American ideal."
-"However, as time passed this too received the beginnings of more development: reconditioning through technology." Rep. to "However, as time passed this too received an overhaul: reconditioning through technology."
*I feel like at the end of this past paragraph, some explanation of what CODE actually entails is in order. As it stands now, the pivot from this discussion of CODE to automation feels awkward.
-"guards and wardens" this is a bit odd, as every prison has only one warden, it's not a general role. I suppose you could mean wardens as in the plural of wardens over the span of time, but it feels odd to me.
*Personally, I don't like the name you settled on for ARGOS in WARDEN. It feels sort of generic, and implies an authoritativeness that would be more befitting of the ZAX than ARGOS - ARGOS is effectively a giant guard dog, WARDEN implies something more to me. If you don't want to go with FIDO (which I understand since it sounds goofy) I think BULLMOOSE is better, it captures the Americana and also its animalistic nature, and even sort of sounds like a fantasy monster.

p. 6: -"a specially designed "Prison-Boy"," The comma should be moved inside the quotes, '"Prison-Boy,"'
-"a custom designed Pip-Boy" Personal preference, "PIP-Boy"
-"It allowed for constant monitoring, health tracking and potentially the ability to do things such as stopping the heart of escaped prisoners." Rep. to "It gave prison administration total oversight and control over their prisoners: constant monitoring, health tracking, and potentially even the ability to stop the hearts of escaped prisoners.
-"The facility would be entirely run by the ZAX Super-Computer COLOSSUS linked to a greater "Civil Defense System" that would allow for cross-communication nationwide for matters of national security." Rep. to "The facility was to be run entirely by the ZAX Super-Computer known as COLOSSUS, a machine intelligence linked to a greater "Civil Defense System" that would allow for cross-communication nationwide for matters of national security."
-"However, the progress of the CODE program meant prisoner experimentation would eventually be done "in-house" with the extension of the medical wing to accommodate Robobrain manufacture and future CODE programs." Rep. to "However, the rapid progress of the CODE program meant prisoner experimentation would eventually be done "in-house," with the medical wing extended to accommodate Robobrain manufacture and future CODE programs."
-"Officially to keep them totally controlled" Rep. to "Officially this was to keep them totally controlled"

p. 7: *Delete cell block pic, not relevant to cryogenics and looks bad with watermarks. Might I humbly suggest replacing it with my Department of Civil Defense seal?
*Add some brief mention of Presper's disillusionment after Limit-115 in addition to initial explanation
-"sabotaged a number of military projects on the East Coast." Rep. to "and sabotaged a number of military projects on the East Coast."
-"His final failed plot however was an attempt to hijack the orbital BOMB stations above the US in an attempt to launch all-out nuclear strikes on select government targets, including DC." Rep. to "His final failed plot, however, was an attempt to hijack the orbital BOMB stations above the US in an attempt to launch nuclear strikes on select government targets, including DC."
-I think that after the Presper paragraph there should be a new sup-heading, "Post-War History" or something.
-Delete comma in paragraph 2 sentence 2, and replace the period at the end of this sentence with a comma, splicing sentence 3 to sentence 2.
-Replace paragraph 3 sentence 3 period with comma, splicing sentence 4 to sentence 3.

p. 8: -Splice Uncle Sam and Red Menace introductory paragraphs together.
-Delete "retrieval" from paragraph 3 sentence 1
-"Eventually locking up a number of innocent Wasteland travelers and keeping them alive in a barelyfunctioning automated prison, with their own vault-suit like prison jumpsuits in imitation of the random prisoners they were mistakenly captured as." Rep. to "These teams would lock up a number of innocent Wasteland travelers and keep them alive in the barely functioning automated prison, with their own vault-suit like prison jumpsuits, marked in imitation of the jumpsuits of the random prisoners they had been mistakenly captured as."
-"Uncle Sam became fixated with Prisoner 13, who it believed had escaped and was of the highest priority." Rep. to "Uncle Sam became fixated with a certain Prisoner 13, who it believed had escaped and was of the highest priority."
-"With this completion" Rep. to "With this completed"
-Par. 6 should be "players" not "player"
-"Upon escape, the myriad prisoners, the 13s among them, flee into the Wasteland."
-Par. 6 insert period after brackets
-"Upon escape, the myriad prisoners, the 13s among them, flee into the Wasteland. Triggering Uncle Sam to go into overdrive, repairing and upgrading its broken robot arsenal. The titanic WARDEN requiring a construction that will take many months, if not an entire year." Rep. to "Upon escape the myriad prisoners, the 13s among them, flee out into the Wasteland. This sends Uncle Sam into overdrive, repairing and upgrading its broken robot arsenal. Luckily for the escapees, the titanic WARDEN will require a construction that will take many months, if not an entire year before it's operational and combat-ready."

p. 9: -"Red Menace will contact the PCs during their wandering throughout Van Buren, becoming active to the Prisoners for the first time, offering a solution out." Rep. to "Red Menace will first contact the PCs during their wandering throughout Van Buren, offering them a way out."
-"They can’t disable the biometric seal," Rep. to "They can’t disable the biometric seal on their Prison-Boy to remove it,"
-Change "control hub" to "control center"
-replace par. 1 sen. 5 colon with period
-there is no such thing as a 'dispersal pipe.' Replace with 'drainage pipe.'
-"irradiated, stagnant filthy water" Rep. to "irradiated, stagnant, filthy water"
-"they could get caught up in it, drown or get violently thrown outside" Rep. to "they could get caught up in it, drown, or get violently thrown outside"
-replace "Similarly" at end of par. 2 for "Further"
-"In the cafeteria, there is a slide-tunnel in the back-kitchen just wide enough for players to slip down with lubrication (found through substances in the kitchen)." Rep. to "In the cafeteria, there is a waste disposal chute in the back of the kitchen just wide enough for players to slip down with the proper lubrication (found through substances in the kitchen)."
-"they can be deposited outside at the trash collection center outside the facility." Rep. to "they will be desposited at the waste disposal center outside the facility."
-"However, the cafeteria is home to a band of non-13 Prisoners who have become crazed in their imprisonment. Highly paranoid and wielding makeshift weaponry, they will require either Combat or Diplomacy focused PCs to handle the threat.
-"Red Menace seems suspiciously unconcerned with their wellbeing or if these prisoners escape." Rep. to "Red Menace seems suspiciously unconcerned with these prisoners wellbeing or if they escape."
-Replace "spot" with "station" in par. 3.
-"Sneaking into the location without alerting the eyebots, and successfully using a Computer Science check to overload the refueling pod will blow a gigantic hole in the wall: leading to an older prison vehicle tunnel which will bring them outside, to the visitor center." Rep. to "Sneaking into the location without alerting the eyebots and successfully using a Computer Science check to overload the refueling pod will blow a gigantic hole in the wall, leading to an older prison vehicle tunnel which will bring them outside to the visitor center."
*I must say, of the the thee escape options you have here I'm a little dissapointed. You have two classic prison escape options, 'gross tunnel' and 'blow up big hole,' but you're lacking what to me feels like a seminal one in 'laundry chute.' The kitchen has the chute aspect, but it's also sort of a duplication of the gross tunnel, and CRITICALLY lacks the 'laundry' element. But this is without a doubt the absolute dumbest fucking quibble I've ever had, so I'll move on.

p. 10: -delete 3rd comma of par. 1 sen. 2
-replace "points" with "intervals"
-delete second 'also' in par 2.

-It is, of course, solid. Biggest problem remains how to deliver this exposition to the player. Red Menace is of course the most natural means, but its hard for him to get all of this through during your brief encounters. Also curious as to how you'll present the actual interrogation.
-Earthquake integration?
-I think that I would like a little blurb, maybe at the end of the section or perhaps even the beginning, as to how the facility is perceived by Wastelanders, the extent of their knowledge and the myths around it. Compare the folkloric discussions of the Sierra Madre and the Big Empty.

GRAND JUNCTION

p. 11: -"Salt Lake City, Denver and Grand Junction." Rep. to "Salt Lake City, Denver, and Grand Junction."
-Replace first comma of par. 2 w/ period.
-"prior to the Great War it was invaluable in transporting supplies to the food deprived states and resources to the Midwest for further movement up north to the Canadian front." Unclear - are you saying that the Midwest is food and resource deprived, or that food and resources are being moved from the Midwest to states deprived thereof? Rephrase to clarify.
*specify "adjacent river" as the Colorado. Also note that the Colorado can be crossed here.

p. 12: *Minor suggestion, but maybe replace 'roadsters' will 'bulls?' Bulls was the term used by rail-hopping hoboes for rail yard guards and cops, their worst enemies, so it feels appropriate, plus it dovetails with the Hobo Oracle's prediction.
-No need to capitalize 'the' in "The Big Rock Candy Mountain."

p. 13: -Should be Lulu Topeka, not Lulu Topekan.

p. 14: -Should be "hospitable" not "hospital"
-change "only known" to "known only"
*feels somewhat odd that you have two groups of characters (the Hobo Oracle and the Truecoaters) both coming all the way from the distant midwest.
*I don't like the name "Big Rock Boozy Mountains" very much, here are a few alternatives taken from the song: 'The Crystal Fountains,' 'little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks,' 'lakes of whiskey too.' Also you need a period at the end of this paragraph.
*Lack of any Santa Fe sidequest aside from the Roadsters, which is really the main quest for the entire location, feels a bit odd. For the sake of symmetry, maybe make the golden spike an Santa Fe sidequest. The Golden Spike is a general legend among the Iron Rivers, but the Atchinsons were recently given a pamphlet with a map to the spike by a traveller they helped (maybe a New Canaanite missionary, a Zoner merchant, a refugee of Hecate, etc.) and they send the player after it out of desperation, essentially making a play for its legitimacy. Add in a complication like the Atchinsons approach the players and offer a better reward or something.

p. 15 : -"a small-time starving band of raiders" Rep. to " a small-time band of starving raiders"

*Hasn't changed all that much, but ultimately I am pretty happy with Grand Junction.
*Blurb on the Bone Dancers?
*Silly idea for a random encounter: You come across a homestead out in the Wasteland, a lovely smell in the air. You hear a noise from a bush - "Psst!" You see an Atchinson Iron Rivers in the bushes. He tells you this lady makes the best pies in the Wastes, and he wants to steal one, and he needs your help. hobo type shenanigans ensue. Whatever the case, you definitely need to include some Atchinson random encounters to reflect their status as Wasteland explorers and as a call back to the starter town, especially since ultimately you didn't include any Atchinson quest relevant NPCs out in the Wasteland.
*On a similar note, I think the reward for one of these random encounters or maybe the Iron Rivers as a whole being a hand cart that allows for mildly faster travel along railways would be neat.

BURNING SPRINGS

*I feel that this section should be towards the end of Colorado if not the very end, since it's probably the most 'out there' of all the entries. Maybe put it right before Twin Mothers to not break the flow between it and Vault 29 and the Nursery as a cohesive unit, but having it so close to the beginning of the state feels off to me.

p. 17: *"Poseidon Energy in the late 21st century established a number of projects, titled HADES, in eastern Utah. What we'd recognize in our own world as oil sands they utilized state-of-the-art technology to try and strangle any remaining domestic oil left. Most of these projects were ecological disaster with little result, the exception being HADES-FOUR, a facility in the western fringes of Colorado. Named "Burham Springs" for the workers town that surrounded it." Rep. to "In the late 21st century, Poseidon Energy launched an initiative known as the HADES Project in eastern Utah. Using state of the art technology, the megacorporation attempted to squeeze some of the last drops of domestic oil from untapped oil sands in the region. Most of these projects were ecological disasters with little payoff, the exception being HADES-Four, a facility out on the western fringes of Colorado. A workers town sprung up around the facility, named 'Burham Springs' after an influential Poseidon board member." I also changed the explanation for the name here somewhat, but there wasn't really an explanation and the phrasing was awkward as a result.
-Delete either 'strange' or 'unknown' from "strange, unknown substance"
-Change 'this' to 'the' in "at this site."
-Move par. 2 sen. 2 to end of par. 2.
-"Drilling into the site and opening a full mine to retrieve samples." Rep. to "A full mine pit was dug and boreholes were sunk to investigate the nature of this material and obtain samples."
-"A major drill was the center of the pit - where they believed the greatest amount of the substance potentially lay." Rep. to "A major drill was the center of the pit, where preliminary anlyses indicated the greatest amount of the substance lay."
*"Research revealed it as a pre-Devonian bacterial lifeform." Rep. to "Research revealed it as a pre-Devonian bacterial lifeform - or at least what remained of it, following adulteration by radiation and industrial runoff from HADES-Four." Added this detail to be in line with my original ambiguity.
-"Practical application yielded in experiments with chemical hardening. Methods for vastly increasing the effectiveness of the space-age alloys on Powered Armor. Additionally, Poseidon began a novel project named "HADES Light Combat Armor", effectively allowing for much cheaper and lightweight standard combat armor for infantry troops with chemical hardening providing ample protection that would compensate for the loss in material in other areas. Blueprints and schematics were created and ready for exportation along with controlled chemical versions of the substance in the lab, but then the Great War occurred." Rep. to "Practical applications were yielded in experiments with chemical hardening. The HADES-Substance was found to vastly improve the effectiveness of the space age alloys used on power armor. Additionally, Poseidon began a novel project named "HADES Light Combat Armor", effectively allowing a cheaper and more lightweight standard combat armor for infantry troops, with chemical hardening providing ample protection that would compensate for the loss in material in other areas. Blueprints and schematics were created and ready to be sent out for production along with controlled chemical versions of the HADES-Substance synthesized in the lab, but then the Great War occurred."

p. 18: -"As it did so, the earth shook and quaked." Going to add a flowery elaboration here. and a rephrasing - " As the War raged above, the Earth was disturbed below. The great vibrations woke things long buried - tectonic forces and geologic phenomena."
-"The workers began fleeing into the mines, - heading for the vault-like research lab." Rep. and elab. "All the while the workers began fleeing into the mines, heading for the vault-like research lab, hoping it would be their salvation from the atomic rays bathing the surface."
-"The two scientists realizing they only had limited provisions, sealed the door before they got there." Rep. to "The two scientists on duty in the lab realized they only had limited provisions. They sealed the door before the wave of desperate workers arrived."
-"As dozens of shambling Gehennas emerged from the darkness of the mining tunnels. They retreated and responded quickly, setting the pool of ooze alight in attempt to burn it out." Rep. to "Dozens of shambling Gehennas emerged from the darkness of the mining tunnels as strange pseudopods arose out of the pool. The Tar Walkers retreated and responded quickly, setting the pool of ooze alight in attempt to burn it out."

p. 19: -Delete em dash from par. 1 sen. 2.
-"at retaking the place" Rep. to "to retake the place"
*I think you should just say that Phil found the data in Arizona rather than Phoenix specifically
*This is America and Phil sure as shit isn't getting it from Scotland - spell it 'whiskey' not 'whisky'

p. 20: *Does Measles have any role other than introducing the concept of Rebirth?
-remove capitals from "Prospectors Office"
-Remove 'ing' from "identifying"

p. 21: *Is Terex meant to sound like an oil company name? Just curious.
-move par. 4 into par. 6

p. 22: -remove em dash from par. 1 sen. 1
-"It becomes impossible however when players reach the final level" Rep. to "It becomes impossible, however, when players reach the final level"
-"the vast "new" Sheol" Rep. to "the vast "new" Sheol pool."
*Should be 'Molechs' not 'Molochs' - Moloch is the more common transliteration of the original Hebrew, but Molech is an equally valid rendering and the one used in the design documents.
-remove 'ping' from "trapping"
*either change par. 4 "HADES Fluid" to "HADES Substance" or correct all prior occurrences of HADES Substance to Fluid.

p. 23: -Add extra comm after "destroy the Sheol."
-Delete comma after "easily done"

*Very happy with this and very grateful to you for your integration of my idea.
*I was probably most zealous with this region oin terms of my rephrasings which had a lot of substantial changes, though I hope you understand considering my attachment to the concept of Sheol.
*thematically there should be an option in Guarding Hell to reject David and go for full tribalism while ousting the Prospectors
*Earthquake integration?

DENVER

p. 24: -Insert comma after "the Nursery" (also remove capitalize from "The")
-"However, as the Resource Wars waned on construction was entirely focused on that of military application rather than strengthening American infrastructure, and moved elsewhere." Rep. to "However, as the Resource Wars stretched on construction and manufacturing shifted away from improving the lives of citizens and towards the demand of total war, moving away from Denver."
-"The loss of jobs led to unrest and destitution amongst the working class of Denver, hit only then harder by food shortages in the later stages of the war." Rep. to "The loss of jobs and cuts to services led to unrest and immiseration amongst the working class of Denver, which was further enflamed by food shortages in the later stages of the War."
-"Denver was frequently the site of numerous protests and then later, violent riots, resulting in the Government authorizing a heavy militarization of its police force." Rep. to "Denver was first the site of numerous protests and then violent riots, leading the Government to authorize a heavy militarization of its police force."
-Delete "officer" from par. 2 sen. 2.
-Delete "mobilized" from par. 2 sen. 3
-Remove or replace "final" in par. 3 sen. 1 - its only "final" in retrospect.

p. 25: -Delete "dot the map of the city"
-Delete ", which is what Wastelanders would consider intact"
-"Completely overrun by Giant Rats, Molerats, Radroaches and the most prominent of all: wild dogs." Rep. to "The city-scape is completely overrun by Radroaches, Molerats, Giant Rats, and, most prominently of all, wild dogs."
-Stacking damage mechanic is neat
-Delete "tunnel" from par. 4 sen. 1.
-"Dank and completely subsumed by darkness, full of rats (including mutant "Rat Kings") and, more frighteningly, the shambling undead Feral Ghouls that were originally Denver residents who hopelessly tried to find shelter beneath the ground, still carrying radiation to the touch."
*Endless Walkers should not be found here, since Endless Walkers were specifically a breed of Ghoul whose skin was calloused into a tough shell by endless walking in the dry, bright, dusty wasteland - very much the oppossite of a sewer system. They should simply be feral Reavers or simply feral Glowing Ones. Actual Glowing Ones should be found in the Cheyenne Mountain and Cheyenne Wyoming Wastelands, and in and around the ABQ.

p. 26: -Replace "territory" with "control" in Par. 1 Sen. 1.
-remove capitalization from 'the' in "The Stormchasers".
-"the wind blowing in clouds of the stuff into other surrounding blocks" Rep. to "the wind blowing clouds of the stuff to surrounding blocks"
-Replace "for" with "in" in par. 2 sen. 3.
-replace "at bay" with "at large" in par. 3 sen. 1 - "at bay" has the oppossite meaning of what you're trying to convey.
-replace "and not to worry" with "but not to worry"
-"Waking the single surviving CERBERUS and the packs of Cyberdogs from their stasis." Rep. to "This triggers the sole surviving CERBERUS and packs of Cyberdogs in stasis to reactivate."
-Insert 'itself' after "or destroying CERBERUS.'

p. 27: -Replace comma in par. 1 sen. 1 with period.
-Add extra comma after "Security Armor."
-Delete "boxes" from par. 1 sen. 2.
-Replace "He" with "Job" in par. 1 sen. 3
-Replace period at end of par. 2 sen. 1 with comma, splicing sen. 1 with sen. 2.
-"Surviving this encounter" Rep. to "If the players survive this encounter"
-Add period after brackets in par. 3.
-"who seem to be waiting for a very scared looking man, Buck, who sits in the cab of the truck with a small revolver, nibbling nervously on rations." Rep. to "They seem to be waiting for a very scared looking man, Buck, who sits in the cab of the truck with a small revolver, nibbling nervously on rations."
-Splice par. 4 into par. 3.
-Really like the term "gizmo society" for Boulder
-Replace "have" with "has" in par. 5 sen. 1.
-Replace "donned in" with "donning" in par. 5 sen. 2.
-Delete first comma in par. 5 sen. 3.
-"They have picked clean Lowry Hospital barring a sealed vault-like sublevel (which if the players can crack holds ample medical supplies and s cybernetic implant) and actively scavenge the city for terminal parts, holotapes and reel columns for the Dome." Rep. to "They have picked Lowry Hospital clean (barring a sealed vault-like sublevel, which if the players can crack holds ample medical supplies and cybernetic implants) and are actively scavenging the city for terminal parts, holotapes, and reel columns for the Dome."
-Decapitalize "Motel" in par. 6 sen. 1.
-Replace "camp" with "group" in par. 6 sen. 2.
-"It also meant their supplies and rations were left behind, eaten by the dogs." Rep. to "It also meant they left their supplies and rations behind to be eaten by the dogs."

p. 28: -Decapitalize "Metro" in par. 1 sen. 1
*Was it the Truecoaters shooting at the Boulderites, or just Jack? Obviously if latter ambiguity is on purpose, just curious

p. 29: -add comma after brackets in par. 1 sen. 1.
-Delete "the" in par. 1 sen. 2.
-Just noticed it was Vault 69. Lol. Not addressing it really by making it inaccessible was a great move.
-Splice par. 3 into par. 1.
-"They are well stocked and well armed. Each carrying a firearm with plenty of ammunition and surrounded by Pack Brahmin. They have plenty to trade." Rep. to "They are well stocked and well armed, each carrying a firearm with plenty of ammunition. They're surrounded by Pack Brahmin and have plenty to trade."
*Any particular idea where the Truecoaters would move if convinced to leave as per "Keep on Truckin'"?

p. 30: -Insert comma after "Native to the Denver region"
-Insert comma after "aggressive" in par. 1 sen. 2.
-Insert comma after "Colorado" in par. 1 sen. 4.
-Replace "will have" with "has" in par. 2 sen. 3
-Insert comma after "in the village" in par. 2 sen. 4.
-Replace "warning" with "warding" in par. 2 sen. 6 - has more mystical connotation
*Unclear what you mean exactly when you say that the Hangdogs attribute the nuclear holocaust to misfortune - literally just bad luck? Possibly rephrase.
-"Similarly, Hangdogs both tribesman and dog alike hold great hatred and fear for fire - a cultural memory of the firestorms that ravaged Colorado PostWar." Rep. to "Similarly, Hangdogs - man and dog alike - hold great fear and hatred of fire. A cultural memory of the firestorms that ravaged the frontrange of Colorado post-War."
-'"Ferals"' Rep. to '"Ferals,"'
-"in certain barbarian fashion" Rep. to "in barbaric fashion"
-"They speak in aggressive, gruff and sharply fast tones, bare their teeth or growl as warning or intimidation and hold respect for their "pack leaders", as well as fierce loyalty." Rep. to "They speak in aggressive, gruff, and sharply fast tones,they bare their teeth or growl in warning or intimidation, and they hold a fierce respect and loyalty for their "pack leaders.""

p. 31: -Insert comma after "drinking" in par. 1 sen. 1
-Replace "could" with "would" in par. 1 sen. 1
*Are the "black tribal facepaints" on their armor or their... face? If the latter (which I would think) it should be moved or rephrased, as it's awkward to insert it between discussions of armor.
-"Though they utilize all kinds of weapons, their signature is that of the Spiked Knuckle." Rep. to "Though they utilize all kinds of arms, their signature weapons are spiked knuckles."
-Decapitalize "The" in "The Racers"
-"led to their pushing into the West." Rep. to "led to them being pushed into the West."
-"Now a huge fort with reinforced junk walls." Rep. to "Now it is a huge fort surrounded by reinforced junk walls."
-Replace "for" with "to" in par. 4 sen. 3
*Are pigrats a separate species from molerats in your canon, the former being the 1/2 creatures (and descended from rats) and the latter from the 3/NV creatures (and descended from naked mole rats created as part of a bioweapon program)?
-"Those from Dogtown mostly use firearms looted from the DPD - they considered CERBERUS and the Cyberdogs as holy relics of the Old World in stasis - when they wake it would signal a great fortune for the Hangdogs." Rep. to "Those from Dogtown mostly use firearms looted from the DPD. They considered CERBERUS and the Cyberdogs housed there to be holy relics of the Old World in stasis. Legend has it that when they wake it will signal a great fortune for the Hangdogs."
-Replace "a" with "the resultant" in par. 6 sen. 4.

p. 32: -Replace "they" with "the party" in par. 2 sen. 1
-Insert "and" after first comma in par. 2 sen. 1.
-Replace "Outsiders" with "Party members" in par. 2 sen. 2
-Replace "can be" with "will be" in par. 2 sen. 2
-Replace "live" with "lives" in par. 3 sen. 1
-"Their camp is a largely nomadic set of tents, and they have a venerated kit they use to brew the most petrol tasting hooch you'll find in the Wasteland." Rep. to "Their camp is a set of nomadic tents, centered around a venerated kit they use to brew the most petrol tasting hooch you'll ever find in the Wasteland."
-Replace "that" with "those" in par. 4 sen. 2
-Replace em dash with comma in par. 4 sen. 2
*It feels like for the sake of symmetry a little more description is needed here, perhaps describing their place within the current Hangdogs hierarchy or their prominent members. If these details are added, they should be integrated into the other Hangdog quests.

p. 33: -Replace em dash with comma in par. 1 sen. 2.
*The Racers definitely get the shortest shrift here - not even a description of their dress!

p. 34: -Replace comma with semicolon in par. 1 sen. 1.
-Insert period at end of par. 2 sen. 2.
-Replace "Truecoat" with "Truecoaters" in par. 3 sen. 2.
-Capitalize "win" in par. 4 sen. 1
-Delete "additionally" in par. 4 sen. 2.
-Insert "of skill" after "games" in par. 4 sen. 3
-Insert period at end of par. 4
-"Finally, Teethbearer will thank the players and vow his loyalty. With one more optional extra, he believes he can recruit a war pack the best of each tribe, to help them when they need it but they need weapons. Weapons from the Box, underneath Bombay Jack's nightmare." Rep. to "With all this completed, Teethbearer will thank the players and vow his loyalty. He will pitch one more optional quest. He believes he can recruit a war pack from the best of each tribe, to help the party when they need it, but they'll need weapons, and he knows just the place to get them; from the Box, underneath Bombay Jack's nightmare."
-"Located in a snipers nest in a building surrounded by roads each direction, each one a spiders web of trip wires and pressure plates linked to explosives. Dangerous individually, if a chain is set off it could collapse the entire city block." Rep. to "Bombay Jack is found in a snipers nest atop a building surrounded by concrete expane and roads, each one spider webbed with trip wires and pressure plates linked to explosives."
-Delete "a" in par. 6 sen. 3.
-Delete "n equally" in par. 6 sen. 5 - that it's dangerous is enough, there's no need to explicitly establish equality between them.
-replace "have donned" with "don" in par. 6 sen. 6

*Great region, all fits together so well.
*For integration with New Mexico stuff, perhaps some mention should be made of trade links from the South? Or is Cheyenne Mountain too much of a barrier? Perhaps this could be circumvented by the Stormchasers establishing a trade route to Quartz.

BOULDER DOME

p. 35: -Insert space after "Pre-War History:"
-Replace period in par. 1 sen. 2 with colon.
-Insert "the" after "against" in par. 1 sen. 4.
-Replace "intend" with "intended" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-Delete "that of" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-Replace "effects" with "effect" in par. 2 sen. 3.
-Insert comma after "effects" in par. 2 sen. 3.
-Decapitalize "The" in "'The Blue Flu.'"
-Insert "after becoming symptomatic" at end of par. 3 sen. 2.
-Replace "inoptimal" with "suboptimal" in par. 3 sen. 3.
-Replace "clear inspection" with "it under scrutiny" in par. 3 sen. 3.
-"The situation drastically changed however with Chinese infiltration, a failed attempt at sabotaging the project and stealing the virus resulted in a shootout which leaked the virus in the heart of Denver, beginning the New Plague pandemic. It was unknown however, if surviving Chinese infiltrators had escaped with research data or even samples." Rep. to "The situation would drastically change, however, with Chinese infiltration. A failed attempt was by Chinese agents made to sabotage the project and steal the virus. They made it as far as Denver before authorities caught up with them, resulting in a shootout that leaked the virus in the heart of city, beginning the New Plague pandemic. It was unknown, however, if any of the surviving Chinese infiltrators had escaped with research data or even samples."

p. 36: -Insert comma after "disease control" in par. 1 sen. 2.
-Replace "onto" with "on to" in par. 1 sen. 3
-Delete extra empty line between par. 1 and par. 2.
-Replace "With" with "When" in par. 2 sen. 1.
-Replace "research areas" with "areas of research" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-"Big Mountain was originally considered for this project due to their expertise in neuroscience, but were overloaded with projects pressing for the war effort considered far higher priority, and ultimately passed on." Rep. to "Big Mountain was originally considered for the project on account of their neuroscience expertise, but they were overloaded with projects for the war effort considered far more pressing, and ultimately passed on."
-Insert "a" after "within" in par. 4 sen. 2.
-Insert period at end of par. 4.
-Insert comma after brackets in par. 4 sen. 2.

p. 37: -Delete "great" in par. 1 sen. 1.
-Delete second "more" in par. 1 sen. 2.
-Replace "would" with "was to be" in par. 1 sen. 3 - it was a projection, not a certainty.
-Delete extra empty line between par. 2 and par. 3.

p. 38: -"After 25 years, ZAX had decided that both the environment was safe and had developed a method of avoiding post cryonic syndrome." Rep. to "After 25 years, ZAX decided the environment outside was safe, and moreover it's development of an effective protocol to avoid Post-Cryonic Syndrome meant it was safe to awaken the scientists."
-Replace comma in par. 1 sen. 2 with semicolon.
-Insert comma after "and" in par. 2 sen. 3.
-replace "mythical secret" with "wasteland legend" in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Replace "became" with "was" in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Insert ", but those desperate or gullible enough sought it out." at end of par. 3 sen. 2.
-Insert "known as the" after "armed guard" in par. 3 sen. 3.
-Replace "service or money" with "cash or kind" in par. 3 sen. 4.
-Insert "further" after "The Sleepers" in par. 4 sen. 1.
-Replace "harvest" with "culture" in par. 4 sen. 1.

p. 39: -Decapitalize "The" in "The Dreamers" in par. 3 sen. 1.

p. 40: -"Boulder is the only non-tribal community left in Colorado, and it is beset by problems, problems that could bring it all crumbling down." Rep. to "Boulder is the only non-tribal community left in Colorado, but its problems could bring it all crumbling down."
-Decapitalize "The" in "The Coyotes" in par. 1 sen. 2.
-Delete "most recent" in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Replace first "of" with "by" in par. 3 sen. 2.
-Replace "formed" with "transformed" in par. 3 sen. 4.
*"and when someone with Blue Flu symptoms arise, they are taken to the Dome for treatment." I don't understand this statement - do you mean someone inside the Quarantine Zone? Possibly rephrase or add clarification.
-Delete "either" at end of par. 4.

p. 41: -Replace "to keep" with "keeping" in par. 1 sen. 2.
-Replace first comma in par. 2 sen. 1 with semicolon
-"On approaching the street, you'll notice locals outside staggering about or sitting on the curb looking a little spaced." Rep. to "On approaching the diner, you'll notice locals outside staggering about the street or sitting on the curb looking a little spaced."
*Rule of threes, add another grub-based delicacy.
-Insert comma after "others" in par. 4 sen. 2.

p. 42: -Replace second "state" with "sense" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-"Addictive and damaging to the brain. Inducing long term issues such as epilepsy, dementia, brain fog and even brain cancer." Rep. to "Addictive and damaging to the brain, the shakes could induce long term issues such as epilepsy, dementia, brain fog, and even brain cancer."
-Decapitalize "Nexus" in par. 4 sen. 2.

p. 43: -Replace "hysterical" with "hysterically" in par. 1 sen. 1.
-Capitalize "an" in par. 4 sen. 1.
-Insert comma after "repair" in par. 4 sen. 1.

p. 44: *Feels a little harsh to have the STR 10 player inevitably get their legs broken - maybe as an alternative you could have this check tied to total party STR. If it's over some threshold but the strongest part member's STR < 10, then they'll have their legs crippled, but if they have STR 10 they won't have their legs crippled?
*Just put together that Xi'an must have been in the same party as Frank. Which raises the question - who is the third Follower?
-"Returning from the Prison after the Red Menace initiated escape as promptly as possible to resume her duties." Rep. to "She returned from the Prison as soon as Red Menace initiated escape to resume her duties."
-Delete underline from colon in par. 3 sen. 1.
*If Demucci is convinced to leave, where would we go? Denver, assuming Workers of Denver is completed, seems the natural solution.

p. 45: *Use of the spacesuit icon here feels odd. Maybe instead it should be one of the cybernetic/android Vault-Boys?

p. 46:

*Still great
*I do feel like Boulder Dome should come before Denver in book order
*Feels a bit odd to me that the fact that the players have a Prison-Boy identified with Presper has no bearing on anything here.

TWIN MOTHERS

p. 47: -"On the southern Colorado border, among the many canyons and mesa - a tribe lies hidden." Rep. to "On the southern border of Colorado, among the many canyons and mesas - a tribe lays hidden."
-Decapitalize "A" in (A Pip-Boy, perhaps) in par. 1 sen. 2
*Replace "Pip-Boy" with "PIP-Boy" in par. 1 sen. 2 - personal preference on my part, but considering how loosely you like to capitalize technological things as though they were an anagram (no judgement I'm guilty of the same) I don't see why you shouldn't do it for something that actually is an anagram.
-Replace "deeply" with "deep" in par. 1 sen. 3
-Replace "produce" with "land" in par. 3 sen. 3.
-Replace second "cool" with "pleasant" in par. 3 sen. 4.
-"Surrounded by tribalistic drawings of the sun and the moon." Rep. to "She is surrounded by tribalistic drawings of the sun and the moon."

p. 48: -Replace "tiling" with "tilling" in par. 1 sen. 3.
*Replace "are formed" with "emerged" in par. 2 sen. 2 - 'emerged' is just as much of a good description of the Greco-Roman concept of autocthony, and further serves as a better hidden reference to the fact that they came from Vault 29.
-Replace first comma with semicolon in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Replace "speak" with "speaks" in par. 4 sen. 1.
-Replace "form" with "make" in par. 4 sen. 2.
-Insert colon after "this" in par. 4 sen. 2.

p.49: -"Ruth, the outsider, will appear as a very quiet and humbled character." Rep. to "Ruth, the outsider, will appear to be a very quiet and humbled character."
-Replace "by" with "in" in par. 3 sen. 2.
-Replace "him" with "he" in par. 4 sen. 2.

p. 50: -"She is the more pacifistic and trusting in Diana, she simply believes this is a test of faith and they must simply wait as they live in peace." Rep. to "She is more pacifistic and trusting in Diana, believing this to simply be a test of faith and that they need only wait as they live in peace."
-Insert period after parentheses in par. 1 sen. 3.
-Replace second "Diana" with "the Goddess" in par. 2 sen. 1 - avoids repition.
-Insert "recipes" after "numerous" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-Replace "involve" with "can be made from" in par. 2 sen. 3.
-Replace "repairing" with "mending" in par. 2 sen. 4 - less technological connotation, and it just feels slightly odd to say "repairing" a limb.
-Insert comma after "rumors" in par. 3 sen. 2.
-Replace "buckle" with "waver" in par. 3 sen. 4.
-Delete en dashes in par. 3 sen. 5.
-Replace period at end of par. 3 sen. 5 with comma, splicing together sen. 5 and sen. 6.

p. 51: -Insert period at end of par. 1.
-Replace underlined space with normal space in par. 2 sen. 1.
-Replace underlined space with normal space in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Replace "at" with "on" in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Replace "to" with "towards" in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Replace first comma with semicolon in par. 3 sen. 1.

p. 52: -Delete "as part of his employment" in par. 1 sen. 1.
-Replace comma with semicolon in par. 2 sen. 1.
-Replace "his" with "Greenway's" in par. 3 sen. 1.

p. 53: -Decapitalize "The" in "The Nursery" in par. 2 sen. 1.

p. 54: -Insert "has been" after "ZAX-29" in par. 1 sen. 2.
-Insert comma after "Forbidden Lands" (inside quotes) in par. 2 sen. 1.
-Delete "have" in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Replace "broacher" with "brochure" in par. 3 sen. 4.
-Replace "they don't" with "the party doesn't" in par. 5 sen. 1.
-Delete duplicate period at end of par. 5.

p. 55: -Replace "Where" with "Here" in par. 1 sen. 3.
-Insert comma after "The Sun" (inside quotes) in par. 2 sen. 1.
-Replace "for" with "with" in par. 2 sen. 4
-Replace "Or" with "or with" in par. 3 sen. 1
-Splice par. 3 to par. 2.
-Splice par. 4 to par. 2.
-Delete period at end of par. 5 sen. 1, splicing sen. 2 to sen. 1.
*Interesting to note that this HAL type sequence presages the final connfrontation at Van Buren.
*It occurs to me that CODE weapons should probably be especially effective against Robobrains - perhaps you could massively extend the duration of hypnosis on them?

THE NURSERY
p. 56: -Replace semicolon with comma in par. 1 sen. 3.
-Replace period at end of par. 1 sen. 3 with comma, splicing sen. 4 to sen. 3.
*CIT, not MIT - even if we reject Fallout 3/4, it's established in NV that House went to CIT.
-Replace "a head" with "meet" in par. 3 sen. 1.
-Delete "of" in par. 3 sen. 1.
*"Diana brought him to her (poorly received and largely ignored) ecological conservation technologies by her start-up, Stone Hydroponics." Unclear meaning - do you mean that she merely showed off/described her tech, or that she had a booth/exhibition at the fair that was poorly received? Consider rephrasing or clarifying.
-Delete "and get started" in par. 4 sen. 1.

p. 57: -Replace "minor wildlife" with "macrofauna" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-Replace "too" with "yet" in par. 4 sen. 2.
-Insert "to" after "adjust" in par. 5 sen. 1.
-Insert "help her" after "To" in par. 5 sen. 2.

p. 58: -Replace underlined space with normal space in par. 1 sen. 1.
-Replace "Engaging" with "She engaged" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-Replace "perchance" with "penchant" in par. 5 sen. 4.
-Move period at end of par. 5 sen. 4 inside quotes.

p. 59: -Replace period at end of par. 1 sen. 5 with semicolon, splicing sen. 6 to sen. 5.
-Replace period at end of par. 1 sen. 7 with comma, splicing sen. 8 to sen. 7.
-Insert em dash after "Eden" in par. 1 sen. 9.
-Replace "With no" with "Diana's paradise had no" in par. 1 sen. 10.
-Insert "has recently" after "earthquake" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-Replace first comma in par. 2 sen. 2 with period, dividing sen. 2 in half.
-Insert comma after "thankfully" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-Insert "has been" after "Diana" in par. 2 sen. 2.
-Delete "offshoot" in par. 3 sen. 3.
-Delete en dash after "small" in par. 4 sen. 1.
-Insert comma after "turrets" in par. 4 sen. 2.
-Splice par. 7 to par. 6.
-Insert "he" after "But" in par. 7 sen. 2.
-Replace "it" with "him" in par. 7 sen. 4.
-Insert comma after "fruit" in par. 7 sen. 5.

p. 60: -Insert space after dash in par. 1 sen. 1.
*Mutant leeches are interesting, though the question is - how did mutation arise within the Nursery?
-Replace second "in" with "on" in par. 1 sen. 2.
-Insert period at end of par. 1.
-Replace second em dash with period in par. 2 sen. 1, splitting sen. 1 in two.
-Replace period at end of par. 3 sen. 1 with comma, splicing sen. 2 to sen. 1.
-"Whatever made him what he is (the FEV) which Diana speculates as a pre-war cure project, seems to hold anti-viral properties - and this extends to the fruit bared from his tree and on the multiple vined variants." Rep. to "Whatever made him what he is (the FEV), Diana speculates it was a pre-War cure project. It seems to hold certain anti-viral properties - and this extends to the fruit beared on his tree and the multiple vined variants."
-Delete first "infection" in par. 4 sen. 5.

*I wonder if, similar to the above thought about CODE on Robobrains, if CODE would have any special effect on Diana. Could serve to tie CODE more directly into the main story.

*I feel like Cheyenne Mountain and the Wasteland south of Denver deserves a blurb. Perhaps the same for the silo wasteland around Cheyenne Wyoming.

 

[Atomic Postman]

I will adapt all of these changes into the final PDF, this is incredible work. I am hugely appreciative of your dedication to this project.

*I feel like at the end of this past paragraph, some explanation of what CODE actually entails is in order. As it stands now, the pivot from this discussion of CODE to automation feels awkward.

This is a good idea, and I had lingering thoughts of the same. I will do that. Some light mention of existing CODE technology but mainly the end goal of the project: put someone in front of a screen and turn them into a good American.

*Personally, I don't like the name you settled on for ARGOS in WARDEN. It feels sort of generic, and implies an authoritativeness that would be more befitting of the ZAX than ARGOS - ARGOS is effectively a giant guard dog, WARDEN implies something more to me. If you don't want to go with FIDO (which I understand since it sounds goofy) I think BULLMOOSE is better, it captures the Americana and also its animalistic nature, and even sort of sounds like a fantasy monster.

I was iffy on WARDEN too but BULLMOOSE rides the line a bit on goofy, but it does have that "attack dog" aspect that you want ARGOS to have. It being named WARDEN might be confusing too - who runs the prison - WARDEN, or COLOSSUS? Are they the same? BULLMOOSE is a big goofy name alongside Liberty Prime that makes it clear it's a weapon of patriotic retrofuture warfare. So I will change it.

*Delete cell block pic, not relevant to cryogenics and looks bad with watermarks. Might I humbly suggest replacing it with my Department of Civil Defense seal?

Done.

*Add some brief mention of Presper's disillusionment after Limit-115 in addition to initial explanation

I'll mention he worked on WMDs for the US Government of some description but not beyond that. I like the New Plague/Presper/Limit-115 reveal set to Radiation Storm too much to get into detail that early.

*I must say, of the the thee escape options you have here I'm a little dissapointed. You have two classic prison escape options, 'gross tunnel' and 'blow up big hole,' but you're lacking what to me feels like a seminal one in 'laundry chute.' The kitchen has the chute aspect, but it's also sort of a duplication of the gross tunnel, and CRITICALLY lacks the 'laundry' element. But this is without a doubt the absolute dumbest fucking quibble I've ever had, so I'll move on.

Laundry Chute! Great idea! I did think that the waste disposal and the sewers were too thematically similar but my brain was in Black Mesa and not prison escape movies, where it should have been.

-It is, of course, solid. Biggest problem remains how to deliver this exposition to the player. Red Menace is of course the most natural means, but its hard for him to get all of this through during your brief encounters. Also curious as to how you'll present the actual interrogation.

As I discussed with Dayglow Drifter, I'll integrate the interrogation as part of my Ron Perlman spiel. Where "You are a Courier for the Mojave Express" type exposition comes in, with the addition of them being under the bleary-eyed influence/hangover of CODE during the trial - so it feels like a dream, a dream that very quickly becomes reality as they come to in their cells with a killer headache. Exposition wise this intro will explain their split personality, basics on Victor Presper and the fact that US thinks they're all Presper (Red Menace will bring up photo comparisons in the trial to prove the players innocence, to which US brings up two photos, the same photo of Presper, and clearly "rebukes" it. Overruled by COLOSSUS.)

As for Red Menace, he'll explain things in terms of escape: their prison-boys have bio-metric seals, their hearts will stop if they don't get to the security sub-hub and Uncle Sam is irrational. That's it. The rest comes later with the first attack and the manhunt reveal.

Earthquake integration?

A recent earthquake has collapsed a small section of the facility, opening a pathway between laundry processing and old tunnels to get out.

I think that I would like a little blurb, maybe at the end of the section or perhaps even the beginning, as to how the facility is perceived by Wastelanders, the extent of their knowledge and the myths around it. Compare the folkloric discussions of the Sierra Madre and the Big Empty.

Wastelanders have been totally unaware of Van Buren's existence since the Great War and even now. It's been inactive until recently, and at most people have heard that people go disappearing around the Rocky Mountains, which yeah, could mean basically anything in the Wasteland.

*Minor suggestion, but maybe replace 'roadsters' will 'bulls?' Bulls was the term used by rail-hopping hoboes for rail yard guards and cops, their worst enemies, so it feels appropriate, plus it dovetails with the Hobo Oracle's prediction.

I like that very much.

*feels somewhat odd that you have two groups of characters (the Hobo Oracle and the Truecoaters) both coming all the way from the distant midwest.

Basically, I like Fargo. It also adds to the Hobo Oracle's mystery/mystique if he's from a far away, unseen location.

*'lakes of whiskey too.'

That'll be the new one, yeah.

*Lack of any Santa Fe sidequest aside from the Roadsters, which is really the main quest for the entire location, feels a bit odd. For the sake of symmetry, maybe make the golden spike an Santa Fe sidequest. The Golden Spike is a general legend among the Iron Rivers, but the Atchinsons were recently given a pamphlet with a map to the spike by a traveller they helped (maybe a New Canaanite missionary, a Zoner merchant, a refugee of Hecate, etc.) and they send the player after it out of desperation, essentially making a play for its legitimacy. Add in a complication like the Atchinsons approach the players and offer a better reward or something.

I like that change. The golden spike was your idea and your change is very fine indeed. The Santa Fe will feel more fleshed out in-game because they'll be the ones offering the players food, shelter and the ones I'll be RPing as the most, so I wasn't hugely worried. Problem with rewards is that the Iron Rivers have pretty little to offer. They don't have currency and what they have to trade won't be impressive to players making the hike to get the spike, but I think having the reward be access to a handcart would be cool and justify the journey.

*Blurb on the Bone Dancers

Probably should yeah but they're honestly not that depthful. A comically evil tribe of cannibals that revere the eating of human flesh in ritual and view the flesh of the young as more pure. The kind of stuff that inspires rumors and stories that the likes of Jed Masterson would associate with that part of the Wasteland even decades down the line. In thinking on this, perhaps I should subvert this and have the cannibals be the Eagle Rock tribe, and tales of their cannibalism greatly exaggerated. So even more dark comedy in that the Dusty Runner's threat is completely and totally empty, as the players will later find out.

Silly idea for a random encounter: You come across a homestead out in the Wasteland, a lovely smell in the air. You hear a noise from a bush - "Psst!" You see an Atchinson Iron Rivers in the bushes. He tells you this lady makes the best pies in the Wastes, and he wants to steal one, and he needs your help. hobo type shenanigans ensue. Whatever the case, you definitely need to include some Atchinson random encounters to reflect their status as Wasteland explorers and as a call back to the starter town, especially since ultimately you didn't include any Atchinson quest relevant NPCs out in the Wasteland.
*On a similar note, I think the reward for one of these random encounters or maybe the Iron Rivers as a whole being a hand cart that allows for mildly faster travel along railways would be neat.

I think you mean Topekans since they're the "Rail Nomads" but their representation would be either in rail nomads leading the Van Buren prisoners to Grand Junction in the first place or in gaining rep with them and learning of their caches, you'd find Rail Nomads at each one. Kind of like the Rebel caches in Half-Life 2 but with dudes hanging around.


[QUOTE="Hardboiled Android, post: 4438946, member: 83223"]I feel that this section should be towards the end of Colorado if not the very end, since it's probably the most 'out there' of all the entries. Maybe put it right before Twin Mothers to not break the flow between it and Vault 29 and the Nursery as a cohesive unit, but having it so close to the beginning of the state feels off to me.[/Quote]

I disagree, because it's one of the three potential first locations that the players can visit. It's the first if they head toward Salt Lake City. For the same reason of maintaining some sense of player path progression, this is why I put Denver before Boulder Dome. It's also a nice juxtaposition following a similar thematic path to Vault 13-Shady Sands-Junktown in showing players the different sides of the Wasteland coin. Old tech-crypt/bunker, survivalist desert tribe, scumbags and junk, with the added thrill of dungeoneering on top. People like a good dungeon and a monster at the end of it, and I wanted to introduce one early. I think Sheol is a really good early dungeon monster.

*I think you should just say that Phil found the data in Arizona rather than Phoenix specifically

This is true - I do want to avoid the "Let's go to Phoenix!" problem and doing this doesn't help my case.

*This is America and Phil sure as shit isn't getting it from Scotland - spell it 'whiskey' not 'whisky'

Kurt Russel drinks Scotch in The Thing :^). But point taken.

*Does Measles have any role other than introducing the concept of Rebirth?

He's just a general handyman. They're prospectors and need dudes to help them move junk, like the two that got merked before the players arrive. I had a "Measles" in my first campaign and my RP of him was popular so I'll do a similar thing. He'll be a sort of darkly comedic character that just smokes his cigarettes and eats from his tin of beans, making occasional pithy comments and really, really doesn't like David.

*Is Terex meant to sound like an oil company name? Just curious.

Close, it's construction equipment. Visually the Tar Walkers would look like blue collar construction guys with tribal armoring.

either change par. 4 "HADES Fluid" to "HADES Substance" or correct all prior occurrences of HADES Substance to Fluid.

They're different things. Substance is the raw stuff, "Fluid" is the refined, safe chemical concoction.

*thematically there should be an option in Guarding Hell to reject David and go for full tribalism while ousting the Prospectors

Yes there should.

*Earthquake integration?

"Earthquake recently had the Gehenna all rattled up. Tar Walkers were spooked as all hell when we turned up. Thought it was us at the time. Guess now we know why." - Phil.

*Endless Walkers should not be found here, since Endless Walkers were specifically a breed of Ghoul whose skin was calloused into a tough shell by endless walking in the dry, bright, dusty wasteland - very much the oppossite of a sewer system. They should simply be feral Reavers or simply feral Glowing Ones. Actual Glowing Ones should be found in the Cheyenne Mountain and Cheyenne Wyoming Wastelands, and in and around the ABQ.

My bad - didn't know that from the VB docs. Must have missed it. I am keeping glowing ones in the sewers though just because I like the imagery of being in a pitch black sewer system and seeing this glowing green shambling zombie illuminating the tunnels.

*Was it the Truecoaters shooting at the Boulderites, or just Jack? Obviously if latter ambiguity is on purpose, just curious

Ambiguous. The Truecoaters are meant to be disarming with their Midwestern folksy style, but as explained so wonderfully in this scene, the players shouldn't get too comfortable:

*Any particular idea where the Truecoaters would move if convinced to leave as per "Keep on Truckin'"?

Burham Springs if they've got a clean operation going post-Sheol. New Canaan outer-bazaar if not.

*Unclear what you mean exactly when you say that the Hangdogs attribute the nuclear holocaust to misfortune - literally just bad luck? Possibly rephrase.

They attribute bad luck and general misfortune to the spirits burning in eternal fire lashing out at the world of man. I will rephrase.

*Are the "black tribal facepaints" on their armor or their... face? If the latter (which I would think) it should be moved or rephrased, as it's awkward to insert it between discussions of armor.

Face.

*Are pigrats a separate species from molerats in your canon, the former being the 1/2 creatures (and descended from rats) and the latter from the 3/NV creatures (and descended from naked mole rats created as part of a bioweapon program)?

1/2 species.

*It feels like for the sake of symmetry a little more description is needed here, perhaps describing their place within the current Hangdogs hierarchy or their prominent members. If these details are added, they should be integrated into the other Hangdog quests.

I agree the packs need more detail. As I recall I wrote Denver back-to-back and was burnt out by the end so I left them sparse. Will revisit.

*For integration with New Mexico stuff, perhaps some mention should be made of trade links from the South? Or is Cheyenne Mountain too much of a barrier? Perhaps this could be circumvented by the Stormchasers establishing a trade route to Quartz.

As the map should hopefully make clear that charred stretch makes travel very unwanted, and it also gives more credence to the Legion's later logistical problems in this area if they were coming up from New Mexico.

*"and when someone with Blue Flu symptoms arise, they are taken to the Dome for treatment." I don't understand this statement - do you mean someone inside the Quarantine Zone? Possibly rephrase or add clarification.

This was part of something I planned to revisit as part of tying it into the question of what happens if you restore ZAX but don't cure the New Plague? Basically, ZAX knows the details of New Plague and ordered the QZ but the Boulder folk think Blue Flu and New Plague are one and the same - hence why the QZers are very angry about being locked up for what they believe is no reason with lots of sick people. In truth, they all have it. If ZAX is restored but New Plague not cured, it'll start a countdown until ZAX authorizes the flamer-purge to end the threat.

Also for the STR check - it's not the PCs legs, its the guy trapped under the machine.

Rule of threes, add another grub-based delicacy.

Turd looking Grub-Dogs it is then.

Just put together that Xi'an must have been in the same party as Frank. Which raises the question - who is the third Follower?

Someone I intended to include but forgot until now - he's locked up in a cage in Ouroboros on the list for human sacrifice along with captured Legionaries. His punishment for meeting Hecate and calling her on her bullshit.

*If Demucci is convinced to leave, where would we go? Denver, assuming Workers of Denver is completed, seems the natural solution.

Denver or New Canaan.

*Use of the spacesuit icon here feels odd. Maybe instead it should be one of the cybernetic/android Vault-Boys?

It's the same icon I use in my rulebook to denote Environmental Armor which looks kinda similar.

I do feel like Boulder Dome should come before Denver in book order

As explained above, it's to replicate the feeling of player-like progression. The players would hit Denver first then the Dome - I also think being introduced to the Dome via the Salvagers and Buck is a slower, smoother one than turning up at the raw exposition load that would be required turning up to the Dome first would require. The salvagers and Buck could tell the players about how Boulder Dome society works and then when you turn up you get all the New Plague stuff.

*Feels a bit odd to me that the fact that the players have a Prison-Boy identified with Presper has no bearing on anything here.

A small missable detail is that the true origins of Limit-115 lie buried in the records of ZAX - how might someone access these records you ask? Well, there's your answer. I suppose if ZAX's memory is replaced and restored the players could use their "ID" to abuse ZAX and basically have it do their bidding since it doesn't have the memory can anymore to actually recall working with Presper - just text records.

Interesting to note that this HAL type sequence presages the final connfrontation at Van Buren.

Intentional.

It occurs to me that CODE weapons should probably be especially effective against Robobrains - perhaps you could massively extend the duration of hypnosis on them?

Excellent point.

"Diana brought him to her (poorly received and largely ignored) ecological conservation technologies by her start-up, Stone Hydroponics." Unclear meaning - do you mean that she merely showed off/described her tech, or that she had a booth/exhibition at the fair that was poorly received? Consider rephrasing or clarifying.

She had an exhibition/booth that was poorly received.

I wonder if, similar to the above thought about CODE on Robobrains, if CODE would have any special effect on Diana. Could serve to tie CODE more directly into the main story.

Attempting this would have dire consequences - it would effectively destroy Derek's really careful programming and wipe her brain. It would basically kill Diana and leave her as a simplistic ZAX unit that without the brain functioning properly, would shut-down.

I feel like Cheyenne Mountain and the Wasteland south of Denver deserves a blurb. Perhaps the same for the silo wasteland around Cheyenne Wyoming.

It gets enough of a look-in via the Brotherhood document and it'd mostly be dungeon based, something I'd design prior to the session itself.

 

[Atomic Postman]

@Hardboiled Android sorry if you got several false notifications, I had weird formatting problems and it posting early.

 

[Jogre]

Not sure if this has been said before, but if you're workshoping Van Buren it might be worth, IMO, getting rid of the incredibly juvenile shit like the Trog Prostitute who doesn't know she's a prostitute and just thinks everyone's nice to her.

Like it has incredibly "Teenage Demographic" vibes, and like I don't mind silly things in a Fallout game, but that kinda stuff just seems gross and childish.

 

[Atomic Postman]

Not sure if this has been said before, but if you're workshoping Van Buren it might be worth, IMO, getting rid of the incredibly juvenile shit like the Trog Prostitute who doesn't know she's a prostitute and just thinks everyone's nice to her.

Like it has incredibly "Teenage Demographic" vibes, and like I don't mind silly things in a Fallout game, but that kinda stuff just seems gross and childish.

You might want to give the doc a read. It's pretty different to Van Buren. It uses it as a baseline but now it's pretty different in most places.

 

[Jogre]

You might want to give the doc a read. It's pretty different to Van Buren. It uses it as a baseline but now it's pretty different in most places.

146 pages

Wow, I'll have to find some free time.

 

[Atomic Postman]

146 pages

Wow, I'll have to find some free time.

Well, yeah. Maybe a skim or a dip into parts of interest lmao

 

[Hardboiled Android]

I will adapt all of these changes into the final PDF, this is incredible work. I am hugely appreciative of your dedication to this project.

Truly my pleasure.

I was iffy on WARDEN too but BULLMOOSE rides the line a bit on goofy, but it does have that "attack dog" aspect that you want ARGOS to have. It being named WARDEN might be confusing too - who runs the prison - WARDEN, or COLOSSUS? Are they the same? BULLMOOSE is a big goofy name alongside Liberty Prime that makes it clear it's a weapon of patriotic retrofuture warfare. So I will change it.

Exactly my thoughts. I had a similar reasoning behind FIDO, but I now have fully come over to BULLMOOSE.

Laundry Chute! Great idea! I did think that the waste disposal and the sewers were too thematically similar but my brain was in Black Mesa and not prison escape movies, where it should have been.

Oh good, I was worried that I was being hyper-autistic in my adoration of tropes.

As I discussed with Dayglow Drifter, I'll integrate the interrogation as part of my Ron Perlman spiel. Where "You are a Courier for the Mojave Express" type exposition comes in, with the addition of them being under the bleary-eyed influence/hangover of CODE during the trial - so it feels like a dream, a dream that very quickly becomes reality as they come to in their cells with a killer headache. Exposition wise this intro will explain their split personality, basics on Victor Presper and the fact that US thinks they're all Presper (Red Menace will bring up photo comparisons in the trial to prove the players innocence, to which US brings up two photos, the same photo of Presper, and clearly "rebukes" it. Overruled by COLOSSUS.)

...I don't think I ever realized in my life that Uncle Sam was named that way to get the acronym "US." This is far more embarrassing than my Eagle Rock revelation.

Basically, I like Fargo. It also adds to the Hobo Oracle's mystery/mystique if he's from a far away, unseen location.

Maybe make it Texas instead - avoids duplication and its just as much of a hobo-core region, if not moreso.

I like that change. The golden spike was your idea and your change is very fine indeed. The Santa Fe will feel more fleshed out in game because they'll be the ones offering the players food, shelter and the ones I'll be RPing as the most, so I wasn't hugely worried. Problem with rewards is that the Iron Rivers have pretty little to offer. They don't have currency and what they have to trade won't be impressive to players making the hike to get the spike, but I think having the reward be access to a handcart would be cool and justify the journey.

May need to get the mappers to add rail lines to the map if you do.

Probably should yeah but they're honestly not that depthful. A comically evil tribe of cannibals that revere the eating of human flesh in ritual and view the flesh of the young as more pure. The kind of stuff that inspires rumors and stories that the likes of Jed Masterson would associate with that part of the Wasteland even decades down the line. In thinking on this, perhaps I should subvert this and have the cannibals be the Eagle Rock tribe, and tales of their cannibalism greatly exaggerated. So even more dark comedy in that the Dusty Runner's threat is completely and totally empty, as the players will later find out.

I think I would just prefer the Bone Dancers over the subversion. ANd not depthful though they are, they should still get a subsection or a paragraph, probably somewhere in the Utah section.

I think you mean Topekans since they're the "Rail Nomads" but their representation would be either in rail nomads leading the Van Buren prisoners to Grand Junction in the first place or in gaining rep with them and learning of their caches, you'd find Rail Nomads at each one. Kind of like the Rebel caches in Half-Life 2 but with dudes hanging around.

Oh OK

Face.

Make sure to rephrase

Someone I intended to include but forgot until now - he's locked up in a cage in Ouroboros on the list for human sacrifice along with captured Legionaries. His punishment for meeting Hecate and calling her on her bullshit.

I like this a lot, make sure to include in final draft.

It's the same icon I use in my rulebook to denote Environmental Armor which looks kinda similar.

Well you had already used the radiation suit for the environmental armor in "The Present Day and the New Plague," so it feels a bit odd to me to have two seperate very different images depicting the same thing. Of the two I definitely prefer the radiation suit as environmental armor. Further, it feels odd to have it in the character section since its only relevant to 2/5 in the section and only 1/3 on the page (and that 1 is only partly). Go with something else, maybe I could make an alternate icon when I go through and make icons after I'm done with New Mexico commentary and all corrections.

A small missable detail is that the true origins of Limit-115 lie buried in the records of ZAX - how might someone access these records you ask? Well, there's your answer. I suppose if ZAX's memory is replaced and restored the players could use their "ID" to abuse ZAX and basically have it do their bidding since it doesn't have the memory can anymore to actually recall working with Presper - just text records.

It gets enough of a look-in via the Brotherhood document and it'd mostly be dungeon based, something I'd design prior to the session itself.

Well I'll see if its enough when I reread New Mexico, but as I recall I felt it a little lacking. It makes sense to put it in the New Mexico section though since its tied to that questline and its high level. But maybe make sure to mention in the Denver portion that it blocks travel southwards (if you haven't already). I do think that the Cheyenne Wyoming Wasteland warrants some mention, probably in the Boulder section, as it is a major impediment to travel.

@Hardboiled Android sorry if you got several false notifications, I had weird formatting problems and it posting early.

Nope, didn't see any from that - only extraneous notification I got was from this one!

But I must say before I do New Mexico commentarry: Your silence on the Mutant Leech Question speaks VOLUMES.

Not sure if this has been said before, but if you're workshoping Van Buren it might be worth, IMO, getting rid of the incredibly juvenile shit like the Trog Prostitute who doesn't know she's a prostitute and just thinks everyone's nice to her.

Like it has incredibly "Teenage Demographic" vibes, and like I don't mind silly things in a Fallout game, but that kinda stuff just seems gross and childish.

As Atomic Postman has pointed out this project is pretty different from the original but... I had NO idea about this, don't remember it at all from the design docs.

146 pages

Wow, I'll have to find some free time.

Well worth it IMO

 

[Atomic Postman]

Maybe make it Texas instead - avoids duplication and its just as much of a hobo-core region, if not moreso.

Texas works

May need to get the mappers to add rail lines to the map if you do.

I'll wait till I see the final product and if they're open to further changes with no charges - I'll do that.

I think I would just prefer the Bone Dancers over the subversion. ANd not depthful though they are, they should still get a subsection or a paragraph, probably somewhere in the Utah section.

I kind of prefer the subversion because outside of that reference I have zero plans for the Bone Dancers and we've already got a militant cannibal tribe in the Coyotes, and it builds that tension that's meant to mount on the journey up to the Eagle Rock if the players are expecting slathering baby-eaters.

Well you had already used the radiation suit for the environmental armor in "The Present Day and the New Plague," so it feels a bit odd to me to have two seperate very different images depicting the same thing.

Actually in my rulebook Environment Suits and Environment Armor are two separate things that use both icons. The suits are your standard bright-yellow Hazmat deal and the Armor is a combat-viable variant.

Well I'll see if its enough when I reread New Mexico, but as I recall I felt it a little lacking. It makes sense to put it in the New Mexico section though since its tied to that questline and its high level. But maybe make sure to mention in the Denver portion that it blocks travel southwards (if you haven't already). I do think that the Cheyenne Wyoming Wasteland warrants some mention, probably in the Boulder section, as it is a major impediment to travel.

I'll add the mention but Cheyenne Mountain is meant to be a big glowing crater that used to be an army base and then implicitly the home of the Calculator from Tactics and the location of a post-war battle that resulted in a nuke going off. That mystery will be enough for the players to chew on as they try not to die from rad poisoning or the various obstacles in the dungeon, IMO.

But I must say before I do New Mexico commentarry: Your silence on the Mutant Leech Question speaks VOLUMES.

Truthfully it's a leftover from the original actual design document, IIRC, but I would explain it as the water filtering system breaking down and letting the leeches hanging around the outer pump system come swimming in. Either that or the breakdown of the rad-filter and the system allowed existing leeches in a partially flooded sub-basement to mutate.

 

[Hardboiled Android]

I kind of prefer the subversion because outside of that reference I have zero plans for the Bone Dancers and we've already got a militant cannibal tribe in the Coyotes, and it builds that tension that's meant to mount on the journey up to the Eagle Rock if the players are expecting slathering baby-eaters.

I think the fact that the player is 1) told that they're cannibals (and all that implies) and 2) the fact that they've already met or heard about two groups of militant cannibals in the Coyotes and the Bone Dancers sets up and subverts the expectation well enough, in fact arguably better since one of the classic styles of subversion is in the rule of threes - first two conform to some pattern, you expect it on the third but it's subverted. Besides, having a group like the Bone Dancers out there in the Wasteland makes it feel a lot wilder and a lot more dangerous and strange and large. Having a group that cartoonishly bad really does well for the main justification of Caesar's Legion - "Jeez, the East is pretty crazy, maybe we need some kind of civilizing force."* Having it be "Well actually everyone's pretty nice, mostly"** is, IMO, a lot more boring. I definitely prefer the Bone Dancers.

*Of course this reasoning is still somewhat fallacious since that's just one group among many, but having it present in some form still serves the narrative and makes it more compelling.
**Of course this is an exaggeration.

Actually in my rulebook Environment Suits and Environment Armor are two separate things that use both icons. The suits are your standard bright-yellow Hazmat deal and the Armor is a combat-viable variant.

Fair enough, but in the Boulder post there's no mention of Environment suits, only Environmental suits, so that was what you were referring to with that first icon. I definitely thinks it looks better, even if it is slightly contradictory to the rulebook. The spacesuit icon looks comical (and it did on purpose in NV), and moreover it lacks a helmet!! bwhich seems essential not only for, y'know, being in a hazardous environment, but moreover giving the Dome Authority an appropriately totalitarian sci fi vibe (then wonderfully subverted by them wielding spears, not sure if I ever complimented that before but I absolutely love that detail)

I'll add the mention but Cheyenne Mountain is meant to be a big glowing crater that used to be an army base and then implicitly the home of the Calculator from Tactics and the location of a post-war battle that resulted in a nuke going off. That mystery will be enough for the players to chew on as they try not to die from rad poisoning or the various obstacles in the dungeon, IMO.

I'm moreso referring to the wasteland around it than Cheyenne Mountain itself - it's a pretty large and presumably extremely dangerous region, feels odd for it to not be mentioned in detail at all. Full of ghouls, assorted mutants, and maybe even the remnants of the Calculator's machine army now crazed and directionless. Same goes for the Wyoming wasteland, which realistically should be one of the worst hit place in the world, or at least this side of the Pacific

Truthfully it's a leftover from the original actual design document, IIRC, but I would explain it as the water filtering system breaking down and letting the leeches hanging around the outer pump system come swimming in. Either that or the breakdown of the rad-filter and the system allowed existing leeches in a partially flooded sub-basement to mutate.

I prefer them getting in from outside than mutating inside, and in the former case you should have them present elsewhere - possibly make them an enemy on the Colorado, especially if you attempt to ford it. Perhaps its a Legion delicacy, or a brutal punishment.

 

[Atomic Postman]

I think the fact that the player is 1) told that they're cannibals (and all that implies) and 2) the fact that they've already met or heard about two groups of militant cannibals in the Coyotes and the Bone Dancers sets up and subverts the expectation well enough, in fact arguably better since one of the classic styles of subversion is in the rule of threes - first two conform to some pattern, you expect it on the third but it's subverted. Besides, having a group like the Bone Dancers out there in the Wasteland makes it feel a lot wilder and a lot more dangerous and strange and large. Having a group that cartoonishly bad really does well for the main justification of Caesar's Legion - "Jeez, the East is pretty crazy, maybe we need some kind of civilizing force."* Having it be "Well actually everyone's pretty nice, mostly"** is, IMO, a lot more boring. I definitely prefer the Bone Dancers.

A point well made and so the Bone Dancers continue to exist.

Fair enough, but in the Boulder post there's no mention of Environment suits, only Environmental suits, so that was what you were referring to with that first icon. I definitely thinks it looks better, even if it is slightly contradictory to the rulebook. The spacesuit icon looks comical (and it did on purpose in NV), and moreover it lacks a helmet!! bwhich seems essential not only for, y'know, being in a hazardous environment, but moreover giving the Dome Authority an appropriately totalitarian sci fi vibe (then wonderfully subverted by them wielding spears, not sure if I ever complimented that before but I absolutely love that detail)

Thank you I'm also a fan of that vibe and it was just a matter of practicality in that I'm not a great vault boy artist. As for the environment suits - another oversight by me. All the Dreamers in the medical wing dealing with New Plague patients wear them.

I'm moreso referring to the wasteland around it than Cheyenne Mountain itself - it's a pretty large and presumably extremely dangerous region, feels odd for it to not be mentioned in detail at all. Full of ghouls, assorted mutants, and maybe even the remnants of the Calculator's machine army now crazed and directionless. Same goes for the Wyoming wasteland, which realistically should be one of the worst hit place in the world, or at least this side of the Pacific

I suppose this is where Endless Walkers come in.

I prefer them getting in from outside than mutating inside, and in the former case you should have them present elsewhere - possibly make them an enemy on the Colorado, especially if you attempt to ford it. Perhaps its a Legion delicacy, or a brutal punishment.

I also prefer that.

 

[Atomic Postman]

A detail I thought of whilst writing just now: the head of the Stormchasers wears a battered, tribalized version of the Tactics Power Armor helmet

 

[Atomic Postman]

We've also got a finished map @Hardboiled Android

I can make alterations in saturation and stuff like that in post to make it a bit darker.

So what do we think - Moribund World or California Revisited for the travel theme?

 

[Hardboiled Android]

We've also got a finished map @Hardboiled Android

View attachment 20236

I can make alterations in saturation and stuff like that in post to make it a bit darker.

View attachment 20237

So what do we think - Moribund World or California Revisited for the travel theme?

Oh wow! It looks absolutely amazing. Money well spent, I say.

Now that said, I do have a few critiques I want to put out there. It's too late to do anything about most of these I imagine but I just want to voice them for my own sake.

• The coastline of the Great Salt Lake isn't rough enough, it looks way too cartoony, so does the water (and of the Colorado for that matter). This can be said to some extent for the whole map, though it's less of a problem following your desaturation. Similarly, I find the absence of Lake Utah very odd.
• Cityscapes look way too cartoony since they're all just copy-pastes of one building over and over again. More strangely to me, they look way too small - these all look like little villages, not major cities. Compare that to the sprawling, dense, varied megalopolises of the Fallout 1 map. I suspect part of the reason for the small size is because the artist didn't want to do a bunch of different buildings/textures/complex layouts, so to hide the samieness somewhat they compressed the cities down by a lot.
• No Rio Grande river?
• The 'wasted lands' as it were, the places around craters and major cities and especially Cheyenne Mountain, look really supermicial, like sort of dark-ish marks on the map. They totally lack the rich texture, the blasted/cratered landscape, and the hints of red that give the impression that it's still smouldering with atomic fires, that we find on the map of Fo1. These just look like kind of ashy spots.
• Similarly, the crater around Cheyenne Mountain doesn't look great. Looks completely 2D, again like a cartoon, with no depth. It should look like a moon crater, not Bug's Bunny's head after getting shot by a cannon blast. And, like I said above, there need to be more craters in general, not just dark regions.
• Lack of sufficient wasted land in Wyoming
• ABQ looks like it was waaaaaaay too lightly hit.
• That mysterious charred land in Medicine Bow-Routt National Forest is still there and I don't understand it.
• Lack of the sort of "Cracked Lands" I described surrounding Burning Springs.

All of these said, obviously all of that is probably expecting too much. This map is absolutely god tier fucking amazing for a homebrew PnP game.

Also, this is one note that I imagine they actually should be able to address fairly easily: can we get a version without the grid? I would like to experiment with different colored grid for when I get around to making the frame for it. I figure thats all on one layer and should be pretty easy for them.

As to music - probably Moribund World. Though I am curious - have you considered any of the NV tracks for ambiance anywhere? I really like Inon Zur's work for that game, as we've discussed in past.

Also here are a few thoughts that arise in response to scrutinizing the actual map: could you run me through your logic of moving Burning Springs to Dinosaur, Colorado again? As I recall it was on account of the fact tht you wanted players to run into it on their way to New Canaan. But looking at the map, this doesn't seem to hold true. Going from Grand Junction, it seems the most reasonable way for players to reach New Canaan would be following the highway, and obviously this would miss Dinosaur. Even if they take a path as the crow flies, they would come nowhere near Dinosaur. If we assume they follow I-80 from Boulder, again they would come nowhere near it. In fact, assuming they come from Grand Junction and follow the highway, the best location for the players to run into it would be exactly where it was in the design docs, East Carbon, Utah. Still an early game location, but not in Colorado.

Also,m the location of Moab seems problematic - seems too likely early level players would stumble across it?

 

[Atomic Postman]

Oh wow! It looks absolutely amazing. Money well spent, I say.

Now that said, I do have a few critiques I want to put out there. It's too late to do anything about most of these I imagine but I just want to voice them for my own sake.

• The coastline of the Great Salt Lake isn't rough enough, it looks way too cartoony, so does the water (and of the Colorado for that matter). This can be said to some extent for the whole map, though it's less of a problem following your desaturation. Similarly, I find the absence of Lake Utah very odd.
• Cityscapes look way too cartoony since they're all just copy-pastes of one building over and over again. More strangely to me, they look way too small - these all look like little villages, not major cities. Compare that to the sprawling, dense, varied megalopolises of the Fallout 1 map. I suspect part of the reason for the small size is because the artist didn't want to do a bunch of different buildings/textures/complex layouts, so to hide the samieness somewhat they compressed the cities down by a lot.
• No Rio Grande river?
• The 'wasted lands' as it were, the places around craters and major cities and especially Cheyenne Mountain, look really supermicial, like sort of dark-ish marks on the map. They totally lack the rich texture, the blasted/cratered landscape, and the hints of red that give the impression that it's still smouldering with atomic fires, that we find on the map of Fo1. These just look like kind of ashy spots.
• Similarly, the crater around Cheyenne Mountain doesn't look great. Looks completely 2D, again like a cartoon, with no depth. It should look like a moon crater, not Bug's Bunny's head after getting shot by a cannon blast. And, like I said above, there need to be more craters in general, not just dark regions.
• Lack of sufficient wasted land in Wyoming
• ABQ looks like it was waaaaaaay too lightly hit.
• That mysterious charred land in Medicine Bow-Routt National Forest is still there and I don't understand it.
• Lack of the sort of "Cracked Lands" I described surrounding Burning Springs.

All of these said, obviously all of that is probably expecting too much. This map is absolutely god tier fucking amazing for a homebrew PnP game.

Also, this is one note that I imagine they actually should be able to address fairly easily: can we get a version without the grid? I would like to experiment with different colored grid for when I get around to making the frame for it. I figure thats all on one layer and should be pretty easy for them.

As to music - probably Moribund World. Though I am curious - have you considered any of the NV tracks for ambiance anywhere? I really like Inon Zur's work for that game, as we've discussed in past.

Also here are a few thoughts that arise in response to scrutinizing the actual map: could you run me through your logic of moving Burning Springs to Dinosaur, Colorado again? As I recall it was on account of the fact tht you wanted players to run into it on their way to New Canaan. But looking at the map, this doesn't seem to hold true. Going from Grand Junction, it seems the most reasonable way for players to reach New Canaan would be following the highway, and obviously this would miss Dinosaur. Even if they take a path as the crow flies, they would come nowhere near Dinosaur. If we assume they follow I-80 from Boulder, again they would come nowhere near it. In fact, assuming they come from Grand Junction and follow the highway, the best location for the players to run into it would be exactly where it was in the design docs, East Carbon, Utah. Still an early game location, but not in Colorado.

Also,m the location of Moab seems problematic - seems too likely early level players would stumble across it?

I agree with all your criticisms but I would say this

1) it's kinda meant to be cartoony. The original FO map wasn't realistic either

2) I got it for reasonable price and further details would cost more. I've spent more on more trivial things but I'm already feeling slightly regretful I didn't use the Yesterday map.

3) I might use the Yesterday map and chalk up a loss. No biggie to me it's whatever is better for the campaign

I've asked my artist friend who's handy with Photoshop who did Hecate to give it a go of making the cities look better so we will see what he can do to tweak it.

As for Burham Springs: you've made a good point. Let's put it in East Carbon, Utah.

As for Inon Zur - nah. They suit NV to a T and I keep it that way partially to preserve my own nostalgia/association. Doc Mitchell's theme playing anywhere else would be wrong.

 

[Hardboiled Android]

The Watchers/Nexus: Feels like the USSA should be relevant here considering its nature. Certainly it should be mentioned in some capacity in the description, but in terms of concrete links - maybe by doing some quest or other around here you could get one of those handy USSA ID badges for Bloomfield? I don't recall if you ever explicitly stated how the players were meant to get their hands on one of those ID cards (only one I can think of that makes sense is BOMB), though if you already did it wouldn't hurt to have an alternate option.

You haven't really changed much of what you kept from the original. The biggest problem with this section is lack of content - it is quite small compared to most major sections, it has no quests or characters that are focused on it: it has been totally subsumed by the Brotherhood. As it currently stands, it would be more appropriate to have it as a subsection of Nexus, or vice versa, considering their proximity and the fact that it now exists totally in service of the Hidden Brothers and not much else so far as I can tell. I would definitely recommend adding more content here. Also, it doesn't really make any sense at all for Nexus to be a separate section, these two should be spliced together. But big takeaway: the Watchers themselves need some kind of content and characterization aside from serving as set dressing for the Brotherhood whackjobs who currently occupy Nexus. There certainly needs to be a few quests, as like I said it currently exists just for the Unseen Brothers when previously it was THE major location.

Lone Mesa: I very much like the treatment here - after all, it's mostly adaptations of my ideas! If anything, I'd say that the stuff that's taken from my concept (the 'hard' plot) could stand to be cut down a teensy bit, in favor of more 'human interest' stuff, which I feel is probably the most lacking element here. This is of course a particularly robotic and militaristic depiction of the brotherhood, but more low-grade nitty-gritty stuff that illustrates the themes of the 'hard' story on small scale is warranted. There should be at least one quest that isn't directly tied to the 'hard' story. Sort of similar to Nexus.

Scorpion's Bite: They're fine, but... sort of lacking in substance. As it stands now they're basically just a group of raiders with a slightly elaborated aesthetic, no real substance, they exist purely to give the players access to a cannon. Something more is warranted. Human touch, present day power dynamics, quests.

Glyphers: Above times a million. It's even more exasperated by the fact that the Glyphers are mentioned nowhere else in the PDF. They exist as an island unto themselves, except they're an island with absolutely no quest or content. They definitely need more. Arguably you could say they should just be cut entirely, though this is not my preference.

Moriarty: Sort of encapsulates my problems with the last two sections. There's nothing going on really. These all just feel like worldbuilding elements without any real content. There's nothing going on here, the only connection between any of these things and the outside world so far as I can see are the Scorpion's Bite in Vault 29 that want to join the Horde, and Quartz.

As to the specific content of Moriarty - the concept and description for Project Darwin is interesting, but it feels sort of out of place. Further, it just feels like sort of a crib and stepping on the toes of Rebirth - the two are superficially quite similar, so it feels really weird to have them in the same state. It feels like in your time honored tradition of drawing inspiration from Wasteland, you just sort of shoehorned this in.

As to Red Dawn- Really not a fan of this one. It stray too close to the "epic gommunism" stuff I've discussed in the past as not liking in a lot of Fallout settings. Feels fan ficcy, and just shoehorning a pop culture reference in and by the contrived coincidence of names (Red Dawn Red Okie, I know you explained it but it's contrived). Serves no narrative purpose and is ultimately irrelevant. This is exasperated by the lack of any human substance or content from the locals.

I like the Red Okie Horde quite a bit, they're a really great raider faction. But again, lack of connections, quests, or human substance. Just a place.

Quartz: I like quite a bit, would like more human substance but its less necessary.

Scaven-Pickers: Actually love these boys. Was never aware of them before, but I think they're pretty cool. In fact, considering they're people who have gone a little whackadoo from RadAway and Rad-X, I think this dovetails nicely with my desire to have a writeup of the Cheyenne Mountain wasteland: have them be the inhabitants of that entire scarred territory, raiding slaves from Colorado to sell to the south. Still, could definitely use more substance.


This criticism has been pretty harsh. But I do have to note that, as a starting point, the concepts and connections here are a lot stronger than the first iteration, and it was definitely the right choice to start over as it were - but there's still a lot of work. There's more I can say but I think it will come out in discussion.

I agree with all your criticisms but I would say this

1) it's kinda meant to be cartoony. The original FO map wasn't realistic either

2) I got it for reasonable price and further details would cost more. I've spent more on more trivial things but I'm already feeling slightly regretful I didn't use the Yesterday map.

3) I might use the Yesterday map and chalk up a loss. No biggie to me it's whatever is better for the campaign

I've asked my artist friend who's handy with Photoshop who did Hecate to give it a go of making the cities look better so we will see what he can do to tweak it.

1) Maybe I'm not articulating myself well, but I wouldn't call the Fallout 1 map cartoony, at least not in the way this one is. The Fallout 1 map looks more handmade then this (which is natural since it probably was), more richly detailed and textured.

2) Yeah like I said I figured it was too late, I don't think these are big deals.

3) No that's crazy it's still great.

 

[Atomic Postman]

Harsh criticism is fine it pushes me to write better!

The Watchers/Nexus: Feels like the USSA should be relevant here considering its nature. Certainly it should be mentioned in some capacity in the description, but in terms of concrete links - maybe by doing some quest or other around here you could get one of those handy USSA ID badges for Bloomfield? I don't recall if you ever explicitly stated how the players were meant to get their hands on one of those ID cards (only one I can think of that makes sense is BOMB), though if you already did it wouldn't hurt to have an alternate option.

You haven't really changed much of what you kept from the original. The biggest problem with this section is lack of content - it is quite small compared to most major sections, it has no quests or characters that are focused on it: it has been totally subsumed by the Brotherhood. As it currently stands, it would be more appropriate to have it as a subsection of Nexus, or vice versa, considering their proximity and the fact that it now exists totally in service of the Hidden Brothers and not much else so far as I can tell. I would definitely recommend adding more content here. Also, it doesn't really make any sense at all for Nexus to be a separate section, these two should be spliced together. But big takeaway: the Watchers themselves need some kind of content and characterization aside from serving as set dressing for the Brotherhood whackjobs who currently occupy Nexus. There certainly needs to be a few quests, as like I said it currently exists just for the Unseen Brothers when previously it was THE major location.

Lack of characters is a problem for sure. I just find it really hard to think of tribal quest ideas that are going to interest players at that stage and momentum. I think Red Okie Horde would but I think at that stage they shouldn't and wouldn't be playing around with spear wielding small times. Hence why they're background fluff: because by that point they are.

Lone Mesa: I very much like the treatment here - after all, it's mostly adaptations of my ideas! If anything, I'd say that the stuff that's taken from my concept (the 'hard' plot) could stand to be cut down a teensy bit, in favor of more 'human interest' stuff, which I feel is probably the most lacking element here. This is of course a particularly robotic and militaristic depiction of the brotherhood, but more low-grade nitty-gritty stuff that illustrates the themes of the 'hard' story on small scale is warranted. There should be at least one quest that isn't directly tied to the 'hard' story. Sort of similar to Nexus.

I might take a look at some DnD story modules set around a monastery or paladin...wherever paladins live for inspiration on minor characters and quests. This is the Brotherhood at their most rigorous but also their most Knightly, undistilled raw Brotherhood madness.

Scorpion's Bite: They're fine, but... sort of lacking in substance. As it stands now they're basically just a group of raiders with a slightly elaborated aesthetic, no real substance, they exist purely to give the players access to a cannon. Something more is warranted. Human touch, present day power dynamics, quests.

I might inject a bit of Sidewinders Mando style culture and armament - maybe make the Twin Mother's group a bunch of uppity teenagers to explain their low level crappiness. Maybe the main tribe were the prominent chem dealers in the Four Corners and they're threatened by the Red Okie Horde and wish to go to war with them.

Glyphers: Above times a million. It's even more exasperated by the fact that the Glyphers are mentioned nowhere else in the PDF. They exist as an island unto themselves, except they're an island with absolutely no quest or content. They definitely need more. Arguably you could say they should just be cut entirely, though this is not my preference.

As much as you like your world building I think they just need to be cut to a fluff reference. I can't see a reasonable place for them outside of selling mushrooms to reduce rads.

Moriarty: Sort of encapsulates my problems with the last two sections. There's nothing going on really. These all just feel like worldbuilding elements without any real content. There's nothing going on here, the only connection between any of these things and the outside world so far as I can see are the Scorpion's Bite in Vault 29 that want to join the Horde, and Quartz.

As to the specific content of Moriarty - the concept and description for Project Darwin is interesting, but it feels sort of out of place. Further, it just feels like sort of a crib and stepping on the toes of Rebirth - the two are superficially quite similar, so it feels really weird to have them in the same state. It feels like in your time honored tradition of drawing inspiration from Wasteland, you just sort of shoehorned this in.

As to Red Dawn- Really not a fan of this one. It stray too close to the "epic gommunism" stuff I've discussed in the past as not liking in a lot of Fallout settings. Feels fan ficcy, and just shoehorning a pop culture reference in and by the contrived coincidence of names (Red Dawn Red Okie, I know you explained it but it's contrived). Serves no narrative purpose and is ultimately irrelevant. This is exasperated by the lack of any human substance or content from the locals.

Project Darwin and the communist takeover are actually ripped straight from Wasteland. About halfway through porting over Darwin I realized it was the spiritual predecessor to FEV and I was like oh well, shit. I tried to include wasteland ports to make it more adaption heavy rather than just my own fanfic but there you go.

I like the Red Okie Horde quite a bit, they're a really great raider faction. But again, lack of connections, quests, or human substance. Just a place.

I might refocus the world building entirely onto Red Okie Horde and flesh out their Mad Max town as the focus - we already have one takeover in Quartz.

Quartz: I like quite a bit, would like more human substance but its less necessary.

Scaven-Pickers: Actually love these boys. Was never aware of them before, but I think they're pretty cool. In fact, considering they're people who have gone a little whackadoo from RadAway and Rad-X, I think this dovetails nicely with my desire to have a writeup of the Cheyenne Mountain wasteland: have them be the inhabitants of that entire scarred territory, raiding slaves from Colorado to sell to the south. Still, could definitely use more substance.

More substance they shall get. They've got lots of camps as mentioned so it takes an additional sentence to say they live across the barren wastes.

3) No that's crazy it's still great.

I'm gonna apply the 20 mile grid to the Yesterday map and see how I feel about that. Or alternatively I could send you the empty Yesterday map I got off Hexer for this exact purpose in the first place and you can do your thing with grid experimentation and applying stuff and I'll see how I feel. I seriously hold attachment to whatever looks cooler.

 

[Atomic Postman]

This was the Yesterday map btw @Hardboiled Android

 

[Atomic Postman]

And the edited new map with some toning and light film grain

Alternative black and white version which I think if we added Pip-Boy edges might actually work

makes it appear even more abstracted and leaves more to the imagination since it's clearly not a realistic map.