@Atomic Postman Finished Arizona. Here are my more substantive notes:
MAGNUM CHASMA
*Little detail to add - a crude triumphal arch at the entrance of the Forum, perhaps commemorating Flagstaff?
*I hope you still use the Ben Hur track for entrance into the Forum.
*Feels like the Painted Rocks shouldn't be in Monument Valley - they should be in the
Painted Desert (
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Painted_Desert_(Arizona)). Maybe put the Sidewinders home in Monument Valley instead. Heck, it might even be a good place for Fort Cochise, since its a classic Western setting and this is a classic Western tropes quest.
*Picture choice is odd here, doesn't have anything to do with selling slaves really. I'll throw out a few alternatives -
*Again, I'll suggest a different image for Caesar's fort:
*Terminology note: Legion refers to Hecate as "the Witch" or less formally, "the Bitch."
FLAGSTAFF
*Some non-watermarked images:
*Perhaps "Grandmaster" would be a better name then "Chessmaster?" That's the title given in chess, and it avoids the overuse of the word "chess." Also it has a more sinister connotation.
*Might it bee necessary to replace the name "Pickertown" in light of the Scaven-Pickers?
*Where did you get the name "Altonians" from?
*Mafia seems like an understatement for life under the Altonians.
*Some suggestions for further beasts, or maybe just pick one as the final boss: Gila Monster, Deathclaw, Cazadore, Rattlers - Super Mutants (see Bear).
*Do you plan on actually playing out a game of chess with the Party, or just running it like the chess game with ZAX in Fo1?
*Rule of threes - maybe one more quest here? It could be something generic pushing interaction with the Pickertonians. Alternatively, here's a pitch: several Altonian boys and girls have gone missing. The Legion has connected them to a missionary known to be operating in a region, and are asking you to go check it out. A small group of Legionaries have cornered the missionary in a dilapidated ruin. With him are a number of tribal converts he's gathered from other tribes and towns over the years, and the Altonian children. They're no match for the Legion party, and he knows it. Complication: he's rigged up his converts and the building with explosives, enough to kill them and take the Legionaries with them. He's heard stories in his time in Arizona, and he's terrified of the fate awaiting his flock (and himself) if he surrenders. The legionaries will tell the players to handle it, and retreat behind a nearby ridge in case you fuck up. You could use sneak and explosives to disarm the bombs. With a high New Canaan rep and/or a Survival knowledge check, you can remind him that suicide is a mortal sin. Or you can simply use Speech to talk him down. Upon doing so, you have two options: 1) Help him escape, either generically (with high odds that they'll die in the desert) or specifically to Fort Cochise. To cover it up, you either kill the party of Legionaries (and tell Remus that they were killed by the Missionary and party - Remus will be disappointed, but he can't blame you too much) or blow up the building after the Missionary flees, and tell the party they pulled the trigger. 2) You can hand them over to the Legion. In essence this entire quest exists to have the classic "Christians in the Colosseum" moment. To that end, maybe make it only appear following the delivery of the highest level animal for the Arena, to maximize the carnage.
*One detail that I would really recommend you add in to the part where Pickertonian life under the legion: one of the privileges they enjoy is to see their former oppressors pitted against each other and beasts in battle. I think this is an important detail to add in.
THE TWISTED HAIRS
*It's worth noting that this section is very insubstantial - they're essentially just background fluff, set dressing for Magnum Chasma and Bloomfield. That's not a problem at all, though it does make it a little odd for them to get their own section. Potentially you could change this section into one called "Tribes of Northern Arizona," with the Twisted Hairs at the end of it. It could give an opportunity to expound upon the Great Gila, and other tribes. Partly this is because we're told so often that Arizona was a tribal wasteland, but we only see a handful here: the Twisted Hairs, the Painted Rocks, and the Rusty Hooks.
*In addition to the Twisted Hairs an argument could be made for consolidating the Painted Rocks into this tribal section, since they're fairly insubstantial. This would have the "disadvantage" of requiring an additional section, though I would argue this isn't a disadvantage at all: there is not a single true dungeon in the whole of Arizona. So maybe you could put one of the two dungeons required by Granite in Arizona instead of putting them both in New Mexico, and additionally tie it into some other quest (perhaps Hecate?) since Granite's quest is not super likely to be discovered. Though giving the Painted Rocks their own section isn't as odd as the Twisted Hairs since you actually have to interact with them, so consolidation may not be necessarry. An alternative would be to consolidate Fort Cochise and the Rangers into one section since they are essentially the same thing and there's no real reason to split them other than to reach 9, or to just put the dungeon under the Granite section.
PAINTED ROCK
*As I said above it probably makes more sense (and was perhaps even the original intent of the writers) for the Painted Rocks to live in the Painted Desert, not Monument Valley.
*Rule of threes, add in another form of suffering in addition to miscarriage and the illness of the chief. Leprosy?
*Is Dasan supposed to be some kind of Dasein reference?
*Didn't notice Medicine Stick before, nice. Have you considered giving other GRA unique weapons out? Nukabreaker could belong to Junkmaster, Embrace of the Mantis King could belong to the White Legs, Gehenna could belong to the Tar Walkers, etc.
BLOOMFIELD
*I suppose DoD holotape could also be a way past defenses, though of course it's very unlikely that a player would do this at that late a stage.
*Just want to share what the Latin motto on the USSA seal means: "If I do not reach the stars, I will raise Hell." Felt appropriate.
OUROBOROS
*I think of everything in Arizona, this part is the one that deserves a second look the most, at least in the section actually about Ouroboros itself. In spite (or perhaps because) of the fact that we already know a lot about the Legion, and Hecate is arguably the big new thing in this campaign, I feel like the quests and info presented here are a lot less substantial than those for the Legion.
For example - what do we learn about the city itself? 1) there's a tributary outside where vassals come to pay their respects and traders ply their wares. Pretty interesting, though nothing is done with it on the quest side. Would like to hear more about this. 2) there's a part of the city where men live 3) there's a part of the city where women live 4) there's a big snake altar with a bunch of naked people around it 5) there's a big fuck-pyramid. By comparison for the Legion, each section of Magnum Chasma has a fair amount of detail, quests specifically attached to it, and an NPC at its center.
In terms of quests, the number is basically comparable: Magnum Chasma has eight quests, plus one from Caesar to bring him the head of Hecate. Ouroboros has eight total, including to kill Caesar. But the quality of quests in Ouroboros is, it seems to me, noticeably lower. Magnum Chasma's quest are detailed, centered around interesting setpieces, deal with aspects of the Legion, and are given by detailed characters other than Caesar (and in the case of Slave Runner, even has a personal element to it.) Let's look at Ouroboros quests:
- A Bull Amongst Snakes: This quest is good, a murder mystery is always fun. The one thing I would say is that Caesar's quest to kill Hecate and Hecate's quest to kill Caesar should tie in to the respective spies - like in "I Put A Spell On You," at this highest level the identity of the spy should be revealed to you and they well help you kill their respective target.
- A Single Drop: This quest feels pretty insubstantial compared to the Great Gila quest which is it's closest analogue, but it does have an interesting setpiece, and it does actually serve to illustrate something about Hecate.
- Demon Slayer: This quest is quite boring. It's only interesting by dint of the fact that Deathclaws are fairly rare in this campaign, but otherwise the set piece isn't very interesting, there's not much to the quest, no character themes are introduced, and we don't learn anything new about Hecate or see any of her themes exhibited.
- Raging Bulls: "Go here, kill these." All in the service of getting uniforms for a different quest, it should really be rolled into that one, no reason for it to be a separate quest.
- Taming of the Bulls: This one, pretty good. It deals both with the fight against the Legion and allows the players firsthand to see the process of assimilation. It's essentially the equivalent of the Painted Rock quest, though I will say that makes it odd that the Gecko Skinners aren't elaborated on at all compared to the Painted Rock - which is perhaps more of a reason to have a "Tribes of Northern Arizona" section, or maybe even to replace the Twisted Hairs section with a Gecko Skinner only post.
- Chain-Breakers: This one is fine, but insubstantial.
- The Choked Snake: This one definitely has the most potential since it would actually allow the players to learn about tribal rivalries and see the sort of degenerate palace dramas worthy of any decadent empire. The one thing I would say is that it's odd to have two separate murder mysteries. Perhaps roll them together.
- Death of Mars: Obviously necessary, but feels like kind of a cheat to count when it's not even marked as a quest for the Legion equivalent.
I think the best fact that demonstrates this disparity between the two is the fact that the Legion post, which is focused almost entirely on Magnum Chasma its character and dynamics since we already know the backstory of Caesar and the Legion, is 7 pages. Excluding the stuff about the background and beliefs of Hecate and her confederacy, we only have less than 2 pages about Ouroboros itself.
I also think there's a good opportunity for CODE integration here.
FORT COSCHISE
*Could be fused to rangers post, especially considering that all of the detail about taking Fort Cochise is located there. That could make room for a post about the Granite Dungeon.
*Not crazy on prison aspect as a Wasteland tie in, I think I preferred it as a rough-hewn adobe fortress.
RANGERS
*In addition to how much I like your treatment in general, I've realized in future it provides the opportunity for someone to say "Fukushima Kama-Crazy"
*Instead of a National Guard depot, maybe just make it a gun superstore or something. A lot of National Guard Depots throughout the project already.[/spoiler]
