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Ratty Sr.

Ratty Sr.

Ratty, except old
Moderator
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i'm starting a thread where every once in a while you have to post at least one joke you heard recently. if you don't, you get banned :P sounds fun, no? :D
anyway, i'll start:

a nun was fishing and she caught a big fish. a guy who was passing by saw it and said: "what a nice Gauddam fish!" "do not speak the God's name in vain, sir!", said the nun, shocked. "oh no, ma'am, Gauddam is the species of this fish." "oh, ok", said the nun and went back to the monastery. she went to the Mother Superior, showed her the fish and said: "Look at this wonderful Gauddam fish i caught!" "never speak the God's name in vain, sister!", said the Mother, shocked. "but that's the species of this fish, Mother", said the nun, and Mother replied "alright then, give it to me and i'll clean it." as she was cleaning it, Monsignor came and exclaimed: "My, what a nice fish!" "yes, it's a Gauddam fish!", said Mother Superior, while Monsignor looked at her in shock. "Gauddam is the species of this fish", she explained. "oh is that so?", said Monsignor, "give it to me and i'll cook it." Later, during supper, the fish was served and there was a new priest at the table. "that's a very big fish!", he said, surprised. "i caught this Gauddam fish", the nun told him. "i cleaned the Gauddam fish", added the Mother Superior. "and i cooked the Gauddam fish", finished the Monsignor. the young priest was shocked and couldn't believe what he was hearing. then he said: "And I like this fucking place already!!!"
 
Did you hear about the Polish wolf that got his front right leg stuck in a trap?

The wolf chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trap!

*Drumroll*

Thank you, thank you...
 
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
« Don’t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway, » the old man replies. « Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M’s. »
 
Q. How did they know that Princess Diana didn't have dandruff?

A. They found here Head And Sholders on the dashboard.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call a Lada with twin exaust pipes?

A. A wheelbarrow.
 
a Scot, a Frenchman and an Arab were on a plane. the flight attendant came and asked them what they want to drink. "I'd like some fine Scottish whiskey!", said the Scot. "And i want some of your best French wine!", said the Frenchman. and the Arab said: "nothing for me, thank you, i'll have to drive soon!"
 
Where did princess Di like to stay when visiting other countries?

eh, anywhere she could crash....



A gay many walks into a bar and takes a stool next to a surly Irishman. The gay man leans towards the Irishman and says "Would you like a blow job?"
At this the Irishman gets extremely pissed, smashes a bottle over the Gay man's head, grabs him by the neck and throws him out of the bar.
"Geese," says the bartender, "What did that guy say to you."
The Irishman replies "Somethin about a job."
 
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"



Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
 
Two men are sitting at a bar late one night. The bar is several stories up, in a sky scraper. They are getting a bit tipsy. One walks over and looks out the window. The other gets up and stands next to him. The other man leans over and says, "Y'know, theres a gravitational anomaly there. You jump out the window, and you get sucked back into the room below us." The man says "No way." The other man shrugs, places his drink on the bar and jumps out the window. Sure enough, he drops outward, then inward into the room below them. The first man goes "That was amazing!" The second goes "Try it." The first is still reluctant. The other man repeats the jump. The first man is still amazed. He finally says, "Ok, here I go..." He jumps out the window, lands in the street and dies. The bartender looks over at the man still standing there and says; "I hate you when you're drunk, Superman."
 
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A1: Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
A2: Put spiked shoulder pads on her and ask a question.

What do you call a group of blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

What do you call two blondes with the sides of their heads touching?
A wind tunnel.

What do you call a bunch of blonde lesbians in a fish store?
Confused.

How can you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner.

And the best blonde joke I know...

Why doesn't the blonde drive any faster than 68 mph?
Because if she goes 69 she'll blow a rod!

*Multiple drumrolls*
 
Ozrat said:
Did you hear about the Polish wolf that got his front right leg stuck in a trap?

The wolf chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trap!

*Drumroll*

Thank you, thank you...
Click to expand...

Ok i now need a towel for my PC chair :P


"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer,
but life imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon master." - Emo Philips
 
From Hedrick Smith's "The Russian"; communist jokes:

Brezjnev (fourth president of the USSR - ed) want to show his mother how much he has achieved and wants to impress her. He shows her his big appartment in the city, but she says nothing. He calls the Kremlin and orders the state limousine to drive them to his outhouse. He shows her the house, lets her see every room and the beautiful terrain surrounding the house, but still she says nothing. He orders his private helicopter and flies with her to his own jachthouse at Zavidovo. There he shows her the dining room, with the huge fireplace, shows her his rifles and the rest and then asks her, begging; "Tell me, mother, what do you think?"
"Well," mother Brezjnev says hesitantly, "it's beautiful, Leonid, but what'll happen when the communist come?"
 
now that Kharn posted that joke about Brezhnyev, i remembered some old communist jokes.

a guy wants to join the communist party. so he comes to some important Party clerk and asks if he can join. and the clerk says: "Yes, but you must give your house to the Party." "OK", says the guy. "You must also give your car to the Party." "No problem", the guy responds. but the clerk continues:"That's not all! you must also give your coat to the party!" "No sweat", says the guy. "And finally, you must give your shoes to the Party!" "No way!", says the guy. "What do you mean, no way?!", shouts the Party clerk. "Well", says the guy,"I have the shoes..."

Margharet Tatcher, George Bush Senior and Mihail Gorbachov die and go to heaven to meet God. God allows them to ask Him any question. so Bush asks: "When will America finally get rid of taxes?" and God answers: "You'll be long dead before that happens, George." Tatcher asks God: "When will the Northern Ireland problem finally be solved?" God answers: "You'll be long dead before that happens, Margaret." finally, Gorbachev asks: "When will perestroika finally give some results?" and God answers: "I'll be long dead before that happens, Mihail!"

a Soviet soldier sneezes and commander asks: "Who sneezed?!" nobody answers. "Shoot the first row!", orders the commander, and first row of troopers is shot. "Now, who sneezed?!" still no answer. "Shoot the second row!", he orders, and second row is shot. "Again, who sneezed?!" unable to take the pressure, a soldier admits: "It was me..." "Bless you!", says the commander.
 
50 ways to tell you have a drinking problem.

1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
9 Two hands and just one mouth...
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?" but you don't really have a wife. She's really your couch. Plus you have nothing but beer
16 You fall off the floor...
17 Discover in morning liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth!
23 Pat Buchanan starts to make sense
24 When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof??
25 Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
26 Only drinking problem is not having a drink right now
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer
29 When vomiting becomes a relief
30 Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right stumble fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you fell asleep clothed.
32 The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
33 You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs
37 I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39 If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories
40 Even Johnny stops doing jokes about your drinking.
41 The bourbon bottle's empty...that's the problem! - Hey...let's go get some more!
42 Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43 When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass
46 Your LIKE to watch Barney because you're so drunk already!
47 That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48 You find yourself actually enjoying the food at that all night greasy spoon!!!!
49 The Whisky Ainpit Working Anymoer
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you
 
'nother communist jokes

(I have three more, but they're "insider", only for those with some knowledge of the USSR, so I won't post those, this one is already a bit insider)

And this is a classic;

A train stalls in the middle of nowhere. On board are Stalin, Chroejtsjov and Brezjnev. The passengers first ask Stalin, the eldest present, how to get the train moving again,
Stalin: "Shoot the technicians. Send the personel to Siberia. Get new people."
The train starts back up, a few miles later it stops again. Now they ask Chroejtsjov (third president of the USSR - ed.),
Chroejtsjov: "Release the train personel and put those people back to work."
And the train starts again, only to stop again. Now Brezjnev is called on to solve the problem.
Brezjnev: "Pull down the curtains and let's pretend we're driving"
 
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