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3 nuns die and go to heaven and at the gates saint peter says ' to get into heaven you must answer 1 question each'. he turns to the first nun and asks her
'who was the first man on earth?' she says that it was adam and peter lets her through. he asks the second one 'who was the first woman on earth?' and she say eve and peter lets her through.
now peter turns to the thrid nun and says ' now because you were the head nun when you were alive i'll ask you a difercult question. when adam and eve met in the garden of eden and there were naked and without sin what did eve first say to adam?
the nun replies'oh thats a hard one-'
'correct'
 
One day Superman was pissed at Batman, so as he was pissing he wrote on the wall: Batman and Robin are gay!.
The next day Batman saw it, crossed it out and wrote Superman is Clark Kent.
 
*BUMP*

What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a pitbull?

One MEAN looking dog that looks over the fence.




Two skeletons enter a bar.
"Two beers and a mop please"
 
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

A 40 foot long cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!

Edit:
You can read my deaf jokes here. Thanks Kharn and Brio!
 
This is more of an anegdote than a joke, but it's pretty cool anyway.

A group of mathematicians and a group of programmers were riding on a train, on their way to some kind of a scientific convention. All mathematicians had their own tickets and programmers had only one. One programmer shouted: "Guys, the train conductor is coming!" When they heard this, all programmers hid in the toilet. Train conductor inspected mathematicians' tickets and when he came to the toilet, he knocked and said: "Tickets, please!" Programmers pushed their single ticket under the door. The conductor left and mathematicians felt stupid.

Later mathematicians and programmers were returning from the convention. This time mathematicians had only one ticket, and programmers had none. One mathematician shouted: "Conductor is coming!" All mathematicians hid in one toilet, and programmers hid in another. As soon as mathematicians closed their door, one programmer came out of the toilet, knocked and said: "Tickets, please!"
 
Oldie you probably heard in school but you have to say it get it.

Question- What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Answer- Anybody can roast beef.
 
You know what we Orderites do to members who violate the rules? We dismember them! Get it? :lol:
 
I kill myself

That ethiopean joke about swallowing killed me. Q-Whats the fastest thing on earth.
A-An ethiopean with a Mc'Donalds voucher.
Q- What do you call 10 ethiopeans lined up
A- A barcode.
 
Two men who were camping together for about a week really started to get on each others nerves. One man says to the other, "Today, I'm going to go north. You go south and we'll meet back here later tonight and tell each other what we saw."

That night one man says to the other, "Well, what did you do?"

He replied, "I went north and came upon a beatiful meadow full of flowers, birds and wild deer, so I just sat back and enjoyed my day. What about you?"

The other man said, "Today, I went south and came upon a girl tied to a railroad track. I untied her and we had sex in every position you can imagine."

His friend was shocked. "Wow. Did you get a blow job too?"

"No. I couldn't find her head."
 
-Who does Christopher Reeve want to be like more than anyone else?

Christopher Walken

-What happens when you reverse the Energizer bunnies batteries?

It keeps coming, and coming, and coming...

-How come the police took Kobe Bryant's rape victim seriously?

She said he dribbles before he shoots.
 
*BUMP* BWAHAHAHAAH! Who's the gravedigger now?

Truths about women (I can get away with this, this is a male forum)

What're the 3 fastest way to spread a message?
* internet
* phone
* tell you wife/girlfriend

What do you give a woman that has it all?
* A man to explain how all of it works

Why do they call it a wonderbra?
* When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
* Nothing, she's already been told twice

Your dog is barking at the back door, your wife is shouting at the front door. Who do you let in first?
* The dog of course, he'll shut up when you let him in

I haven't said a thing to my wife in 18 months. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered what type of food makes the sexual appetite of a woman go down 90%
* bridal cake

Our last argument was my mistake, said the man
My wife asked "What's on the tv?" and I replied "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and he rested.
Then He created man and rested.
Then He created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.

What's the punishment for bigamy?
* 2 mother-in-laws

How do you make 2 kg of fat look good?
* Put a nipple on it

A little boy asks his daddy; "Dad, what does it cost to get married?"
* The father answers: "Son, I have no idea, I'm still paying"
 
Here ya go, Malky....

Question: Why did God make farts smell?
Answer: So Deaf people could enjoy them too.
___________________________________
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.'

'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times'
 
Ugly John said:
One day Superman was pissed at Batman, so as he was pissing he wrote on the wall: Batman and Robin are gay!.
The next day Batman saw it, crossed it out and wrote Superman is Clark Kent.
Click to expand...

yeah, superhero jokes are cool:

a man walks into a bar. he sees a man at the bar emptying his glass, jumping into the air and starting to fly circles troughout the whole bar. after that, the man lands on his seat again and orders another beer.
so, the man who just entered the bar, walks towards the other man and asks him:"Wow! How did you do that?" "Simple; by drinking this super-beer."
"Bartender, give me one of those too!" the man who just entered shouts. he gets his beer, runs towards the window and jump out of it and crashes into the ground.

the bartender walks towards the other man who's still sitting at the bar,drinking and says:"You're such an ass when you're drunk Superman!"
 
oh:

a nun walks down the street, when she suddenly gets knocked down by some guy. he keeps beating her and kicking her untill she's uncontious and then the attacker says:"I really expected more of you Batman..."
 
Hitler visits Auschwitz and guards stage prisoner Olympics in his honor. Prisoners compete in various disciplines, one of which in high jump. First competitor jumps 0.5 meters and gets 0.5 meters of bread as a reward. Second competitor manages to jump 1 full meter and receives 1 meter of bread as a reward. So the third competitor thinks: "I'm gonna jump as high as I can and get more bread than any of these idiots!" So he does his best, jumps 1.5 meters and runs over to Hitler and his guards, waiting for his reward. But Hitler says: "Kill him, he can jump over the fence."

***

A guy is climbing up the stairs of a skyscraper. On the fifth floor an angel stops him and says: "Jump through the window. I'll catch you and give you ten thousand dollars." The guy thinks about it, then says OK and jumps. The angel catches him just before he hits the sidewalk and gives him the money.

Another guy is climbing up the stairs when the same angels stops him on the tenth floor and says: "Jump through the window. I'll catch you and give you twenty thousand dollars." The guy jumps and angel catches him right before he hits the floor and gives him the cash.

A Jew sees all this and thinks: "Wow, what a way to make money!" So he climbs up the stairs and angel stops him on the twentieth floor. "Jump through the window. I'll catch you and give you fifty thousand dollars." The Jew jumps, but the angel doesn't catch him so he gets splattered all over the sidewalk.

Later he comes to heaven and God grants him audience. The Jew starts complaining: "Oh Lord Almighty, one of your angels has done me harm! He promised to catch if I jump through a window, but he didn't and I died!" God says: "I will take you before the angel council, and you will show me the angel that deceived you."

So God takes the Jew to a council of all angels, and Jew points at one of the angels and says: "That's him! That's the angel that deceived me!" God turns to the angel and shouts: "Adolf, how many times do I have to tell you to behave yourself?!"
 
Wait, I just remember another one. Warning, this one's sick.

A Jewish kid in Auschwitz sees Hitler strolling around, runs over to him and says: "Sir, sir, I can't find my parents." Hitler says: "Beat it, kid, I have no time for you." But kid keeps asking: "Sir, please, I need to find my parents." "Leave me alone already", says Hitler. But kid persists: "Sir, please, where are my parents?" Hitler takes two soaps out of his pocket, gives them to the kid and says: "Here they are."
 
Ratty, anti semetic jokes are sick. Some of these are a little funny (particularly the last one), but maybe we should limit the racial/religious jokes to groups that did not see mass genocide.
 
They're not anti-semitic jokes. They're... jokes. A little sick and twisted, maybe, but they're well meant. If they disturb you so much, don't read them.
 
As mentioned elsewhere- In Virginia we joke about West Virginia.

Here is something that you might find funny.

West Virginia State Residency Application

Name: ________________
(last)
(first) (_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

CB Handle: _____________________

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
(_)Coal Miner

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

___ Number of refrigerators on front porch

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of
pickup: _________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here

BUMPER STICKERS:
___ Eat more Possum
___ My other car is a piece of junk too
___ Honk if you love Jesus
___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco

Favorite Recreation: Check all that apply:
___ Square Dancin'
___ Possum Huntin'
___ Skinny Dippin'
___ Craw Daddin'
___ Gospel Singin'
___ 4-Wheelin'
___ Drankin'
___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin'
___ Honky Tonkin'
___ Noodlin'

# of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle
___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws
___ Budweiser ___ Vo-Tech
___ Skoal ___ Coors
___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear
 
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