The Black Parade

Aurelius is back; just gonna make a quick post about friendship and shit named after a Post Malone song.

Better Now
Let me set the scene. We all know how I acted on drugs. Not fun. But to understand you need a visual representation. https://share.icloud.com/photos/0DCIDEQDN6shOyHxIuP3j4HzQ
That was me. It took a long time to get to the place I’m at now, and I want you all to know: it’s ok to fall. To revert to old habits, and to make mistakes. Sometimes we do. And then we make better moments with new, non-toxic friends.

-Arthur

Edit: if the link gets broken send me a message. I’ll make a gif out’ve it or something.
 
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Tried to edit this “better moment with better friends” into the last post to tie things up but it didn’t paste right
 
Kristy Are You Doing Okay? (AKA My Demons AKA Why Are These All Song Titles Now?)

I’ve kept a lot of secrets in my life. And I’ll take them to the grave. They’re always there, grinding against my consciousness, asking, demanding, to come out. But those secrets, in many cases, are mine to keep. I apologize in advnace for the fact that this post will be depressing and heavy, even by Parade standards. If you’ve heard the first song and listened to the lyrics, you know where this is going. If not, listen to this then read this post:

So. Hailey had issues. I’ve said that, hinted that, but unless you know what I was trying to say earlier through the Offspring song I linked, then this won’t make any sense. Anyways, she wanted me to suffer, I think, because I reminded her of a trusted adult who betrayed her. And if I could commit one more sin, just one more, it’d be to bury the man who did that.

I’ve hurt a lot of people. But I’ve never done and will never do THAT. And even though Hailey tried to punish me for the sins of another, I’m not mad. Her innocence was taken and while that doesn’t excuse it, it explains it, at least on my mind. I will always care about her. That’ll never change.

Two points to end on;
1) As I said in the first post, I changed names of people from my past. Hailey isn’t her name. And while I’ll give you all my real name, her identity isn’t mine to give.
2) I’m not sure if there’s a moral this time around, band. I think this entire post was just a form of... release, for me. And perhaps for her. As I stated earlier in the post, some of her secrets I’ll take to the grave. But this one... it explains everything, at least reasonably. And if I want you to understand anything, it’s that Hailey wasn’t evil. She wasn’t even bad. In some, Hell, most ways, she was still a hurt little girl.
 
Broke my finger scrolling through this thread but it’s intriguing and I promise to read it all one day.
 
Sad Savior


So if you haven’t figured it out yet, music plays a big part in my life; there are a lot of songs with sentimental meaning to me that provide the “soundtrack to my life” (figure I might post that playlist next time).

But Taking Back Sunday as a whole, almost their entire discography, reminds me of certain people, through their lyrics and melodies; and sometimes listening to an album by them can take me on a rollercoaster of emotional experiences as memories of my lifetime flash back and take me to vivid moments in time, for better or for worse.

One song in particular reminds me of a lot of people from my past, though namely Sarah: Sad Savior. Sarah and I were the closest of friends when college began, and stuck together through addiction, mutual insults, and general rocky experiences.

But after a fairly recent attempt to “Begin Again”, she and I broke things off. Permanently. And that’s the message of this post; that sometimes, things just... end. Loss isn’t always because of death. Sometimes it’s because we make mistakes. But when that happens, it’s best not to dwell, but rather appreciate the past for what it was while simultaneously moving on. The past is great sometimes, and nostalgia always has a place for you by its fire; but to stay too long is to invite Old World Blues, so to speak.

Sometimes, just sometimes, the past needs to be buried, no matter how much it hurts. Hard calls have to be made. It’s how we make those calls that define us as people.
 
A Depressing Update (AKA I’ve Been Making a Lot of These Lately)
So, basically what I’m gonna preface this with is by saying you’re all I have left. Yes, you. The NMA community is all I have, mostly because I broke off contact with everyone else; and I did so because it was necessary.

Simply put, they were toxic to me; they always gossiped and tried to drag me down with them and so I cut them out’ve my life. Perhaps I didn’t need to cut them all out, but I didn’t want to take any chances.

And so. You guys are simultaneously my closest friends and my only friends now. And when I go to NH there will be a place by my fire for any one of you; @zegh8578 @Alphons @TheOtherManInTheRoom @Ayelander @Black Rose @RangerBoo @Supermarauder and @Squadcar @BigGuyCIA @anyone in this site who crosses the pond or makes the trip to see me will be welcome.

I love you people. And even though you’re all I have left, that’s still a Hell of a lot.

Merry Christmas to me.
 
God Jul!

(I like that in Norwegian, we have no "happy holidays" equivalent, so that whole debate is non existent here, lawl, all the lefties and muzzies and atheists and everyone else just "go' jul!", "goo yool!" if you're foreigner and speak with immigrant accent :V )
 
Fun fact basically quoting that line is how I destroyed a friendship last night after I realized it was cancerous.

@zegh8578 seems like there’s a lot less stupid debates over there then there are here lol. And thank you; God Jul!
 
So I’ve been making a lot of these lately (it’s a fucking Christmas miracle). Guess I’m just comfy enough with you guys that I can share everything. In the spirit of that (and with Katy Perry playing over my headphones) I’m gonna make another - about when I swear to Christ I died.

The Time I OD’d On Adderall, Pseudoephedrine and Whiskey

So, to set the scene, back when I lived in the apartment, I used to lock myself in my room for hours at a time and get drunk/high. Sometimes both. I used proxies for alcohol (as I said) and I got enough to have happy hour when I felt like it.

So, one night daddy was taking his medicine like usual, and I mixed pills (adderall and pseudoephedrine [also known as the active ingredient in meth]) together. And I basically had a heart attack. I started involuntary convulsing and foaming at the mouth, I started tearing up, and for gods know how long at a time I alternated between darkness and being jarred back out’ve it by the convulsions.

Now, it’s not the first time I’ve basically died (I’ll talk about that too sometime) but it was the most recent, and the scariest. Every time I came out’ve oblivion into the shaking and coughing and frothing and crying I thought “this is the last thing I’ll see; this asbestos-filled ceiling, I’ll be locked in this room and die and rot and no one will know or care till I start stinking up the place”. It was... well, terrifying. I love pretending that nothing scares me except decaf coffee, but in reality? Dying ignominiously and losing my friends (you guys) are high on that list.

Anyways, that went on until all was black. Finally I “woke up”, with a feeling like I’d been punched in the chest, and sat up slowly and looked at the clock to realize whatever it was had been going on for 2 entire hours. If there’s any defining moment that “shocked me into sobriety”, that and the court experience were it.

I dunno if there’s a moral; don’t do drugs, I guess. And if you do, don’t mix the active ingredient in methamphetamines with alcohol. In seriousness though, if you’re going through addiction, it can be hard unless you WANT help. And sometimes, it takes almost dying to shock an addict into wanting to change. What I’m saying is that if you have an addict as friend or family, don’t hate them; stay calm, and stay understanding. Unless they truly have no will to live, they will come around. And sometimes it takes something jarring to make them want to sober up.

That’s all folks, be safe, and I love ya.

- Arthur
 
OK!

SO!!

You didn’t ask for it, but here it is anyways (oh shit that sounds bad); something more lighthearted:
The Soundtrack to My Life
Now, first off not every song on this has a description; sometimes it’s redundant and I’m typing on a tiny iphone 5s keyboard so there. Fuck you.

1) Sick - Adelitas Way (describes how I feel about life and just about everything in it)
2) It’s All a Blur - Agent Orange (theme song for my alcoholic days)
3) House of the Rising Sun - The Animals (this song has sentimental meaning, not just because Oliver S. I loved it but because my mother was a tailor for a time, and my father does gamble, but not professionally for a living. There it be)
4) Trouble Follows Me - Anti-Flag (self explanatory lol)
5) Flourescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys (a good description of my high school days)
6) I Won’t See You Tonight (Parts 1 & 2) - A7X (I used to listen to the album these songs are on my first year of college, and every time I listen to part one it reminds me of this time Sarah couldn’t make it to dinner. A small, dumb thing, but a sentimental one nonetheless)
7) What the Hell - Avril Lavigne (the story of someone who’s just stopped giving a fuck; right up my alley)
8) I Want to Conquer the World - Bad Religion (my plans for global empire and of being the next Napoleon aren’t new; been with me since childhood)
9) Infected - Bad Religion (reminds me of Olivia; used to listen to it riding the bus to school while thinking of her)
10) Feel the Same - Battle Tapes (“I’m digging in but you just don’t feel the same” - My love life and this song, 2018)
11) She’s Always a Woman - Billy Joel (describes how I feel about the women I fall in love with pretty well)
12) Afraid of Heights - Billy Talent (the song Hailey and I said would be the anthem of our friendship. Suppose, in the end, we were afraid of heights again)
13) Tired of the Rain - Black Stone Cherry (my life)
14) All the Small Things - Blink 182 (reminds me that sometimes in a relationship the little things are what make it)
15) What’s My Age Again? - Blink 182 (my immaturity)
16) First Date - Blink 182 (refer to an earlier post in this thread)
17) Heart of Glass - Blondie (every relationship I’ve ever been in)
18) Girl All the Bad Guys Want - Bowling for Soup
19) Almost - Bowling for Soup
20) Stacey’s Mom - Bowling for Soup (I like older women. Sue me.)
21) Since We Broke Up - Bowling for Soup
22) The Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin
23) What Do I Get? - Buzzcocks
24) Judas - Cage the Elephant (most’ve my friendships)
25) Surrender - Cheap Trick (used to hate my parents. Now I don’t. Songs about coming to terms with the act that they used to be like you. Done)
26) Hats off to the Bull - Chevelle (if the bull is my life)
27) Brand New Cadillac - The Clash (why do the things I love abandon me)
28) Only You - The Platters (this will be the first dance at my wedding)
29) Stupify - Disturbed
30) Family of Strangers - Doll Skin (that’s you guys)
31) Puncha Nazi - Doll Skin (how I feel about fascists)
32) What a Fool Believes - The Doobie Brothers (I foolishly believe all my relationships will last forever)
33) Love Her Madly - The Doors
34) I Just Wanna Run - The Downtown Fiction (Pretty good descriptor for my plans in life; I just wanna escape my past. Escape myself)
35) Never Alone - Dropkick Murphys (again, you guys)
36) I Will Deny - The Dwarves (“Nobody loves me/nobody cares/and when I die there won’t be/nobody there/and when I die/and when I die/I wanna die/wanna die”)
37) Evil Woman - ELO
38) Mister Blue Sky - ELO
39) Tiny Dancer - Elton John (my dad used to sing this in the car all the time when I was a kid)
40) Adrenaline Rush - F for Effort
41) Waiting to Be Saved - Face to Face
42) I Don’t Care - Fall Out Boy
43) Thnks fr the Mmrs - Fall Out Boy (describes me and Hailey)
44) This Ain’t a Scene... - Fall Out Boy (just always clicked with me, since I was a kid)
45) I’m Not a Vampire - Falling in Reverse (describes drug addiction. Fits me pretty well)
46) Just Like You - FiR (“I am aware/that I am an asshole”)
47) Bad Company - FFDP (it’s what I am lmao)
48) Wrong Side of Heaven - FFDP (where my life was headed)
49) If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Flogging Molly
50) All Around Me - Flyleaf (a song about a supernatural force being everywhere; cept while in the song it’s happy about that, I’m pissed because I know said force likes to make me suffer)
51) If You Are But a Dream - Sinatra (most Sinatra songs have sentimental meaning, either from my father/grandfather or my own crooning singing voice)
52) My Kind of Town - Sinatra
53) I Get a Kick Out of You - Sinatra
54) That’s Life - Sinatra
55) My Way - Sinatra (I will live this life my fucking way)
56) Wave - Sinatra
57) Chelsea Dagger - Fratellis (my favorite song to sing while I cry and punch concrete)
58) Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz (former roommate in the apartment used to play it all the time so it’s both a sentimental song and inspires PTSD in me)
59) Basket Case - Green Day
60) Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
61) The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani
62) Here’s to Us - Halestorm (you guys again <3)
63) Barracuda - Heart
64) Celebrity Skin - Hole (“Don’t make me over/I’m all I wanna be/a walking study/in demonology”)
65) Don’t Wanna Fall In Love - Jane Child
66) Jane - Jefferson Starship
67) Angel of the Morning - Juice Newton (reminds me of my mom)
68) High Enough - K.Flay (Haha, never high enough)
69) All My Best Friends Are Metalheads - Less Than Jake
70) The Science of Selling Yourself Short - Less Than Jake (the instruction manual for my life)
71) The Rest of My Life - Less Than Jake (song about suicide; fitting for a guy who’s attempted it 3 times)
72) Trigger - Lost Without Cause
73) Scotty Doesn’t Know - Lustra
74) In My Darkest Hour - Megadeth
75) Dread and the Fugitive Mind - Megadeth (me)
76) Jury of the Damned - Mignon (how I felt being led into the courtroom)
77) Look Back and Laugh - Minor Threat (describes how my and basically all of my friends drifted apart)
78) Where Eagles Dare - Misfits (“I ain’t no goddamn sonuvabitch”)
79) Float On - Modest Mouse
80) Welcome to the Black Parade - MCR (ok you knew it was coming)
81) Dead - MCR
82) Na Na Na - MCR
83) I’m Not Okay - MCR
84) Gel Askim - Mustafa Sandal (I don’t speak Turkish, I just like the song)
85) March of the Pigs - NIN
86) Closer - NIN (reminds me of a special someone; you know who you are ;) )
87) Lithium - Nirvana (I’m on lithium, fun fact)
88) On a Plain - Nirvana
89) Lake of Fire - Nirvana (where I’m headed)
90) The Trumpet Player - No Use For a Name (a sentimental song about a Zarathustra-like figure; makes me feel happy and melancholy at the same time)
91) MOTA - The Offspring (describes a close friend of mine)
92) Kristy Are You Doing Ok? - The Offspring
93) Fuck a Silver Lining - PatD
94) Kick In the Teeth - Papa Roach
95) Alien - Pennywise
96) Weak and Powerless - A Perfect Circle
97) Better Now - Post Malone
98) When Worlds Collide - Powerman 5000
99) Absolution - Pretty Reckless
100) Everybody Wants Something From Me - Pretty Reckless
101) Hit Me Like a Man - Pretty Reckless
102) Make Me Wanna Die - Pretty Reckless
103) Somebody to Love - Queen
104) Ich tu dir weh - Rammstein (“I bring you woe” is the translation)
105) Good Thing - RBF
106) Cheer Up! - RBF
107) Where Have You Been? - RBF
108) Everyone Else Is an Asshole - RBF
109) Everything Sucks - RBF
110) I Want Your Girlfriend to Be My Girlfriend Too - RBF
111) S&M - Rihanna
112) Historia Calamitatum - Rise Against
113) House on Fire - Rise Against (me and Hailey to a T)
114) Fallen - Seether
115) FMLYHM - Seether
116) No Jesus Christ - Seether
117) Far Behind - Social Distortion
118) I Was Wrong - Social Distortion
119) Trippin on a Hole In a Paper Heart - Stone Temple Pilots
120) Liar - Taking Back Sunday
121) MakeDamnSure - TBS
122) Faith - TBS
123) Sad Savior - TBS
124) Money - TBS
125) You Got Me - TBS
126) Hell Broke Luce - Tom Waits
127) Stinkfist - Tool
128) Get Free - The Vines
129) Made In America - Waterparks
130) Heavy Metal Detox - Wavves
131) Pony - Wavves
132) Burning House of Love - X
133) Fix Me - 10 Years

And that’s it. If you want any songs meaning to me in particular explained, PM me. Be safe; I need to rest my thumbs.

- Arthur
 
Caesar Can Cite Cato to Suit His Purpose
You’re probably looking at the title and wondering what the fuck I’m on about, and why I used an Arcade Gannon quote as a title. Frankly, this is gonna be a philosophical rant. So strap in.

The Romans saw suicide as a noble endeavor; while contemporaries saw Cato as a coward, future generations of Romans and writers such a Seneca would go on to glorify his self-inflicted death, seeing it as one man’s refusal to give in to autocracy. What I’m saying is that life is all but a matter of perspective; and what may initially seem pathetic may eventually be glorified as a heroic deed. And, as the title says, words can be spun. The devil can cite scripture, as the saying goes. In the end, the only one who determines your destiny is you. Your choices, your morals, form the crux of your life’s great problem, be it how to help the most people as possible or how to accumulate the most wealth, etc. But the point I’m making is that it’s all YOU. And if someone sees you as a villain, a simple difference in perspective is all that stops you from being a hero. Life is bent according to the will of the individual, as we shape our own destinies. And try as people might to bring us down, in the end we ARE in charge, we ARE free, and we ARE given a choice. Even if that choice is something cowardly.

This is the biggest “downer” piece I’ve written yet, so I apologize for that. Just figured I’d put it down and call it a day, you know? That being said, the cowardly choice is one to be avoided. And if you feel like you’re going to make it, PM me. I’m always here to help.

- Arthur
 
Clouds of Time Seem to Rain On Innocence Left Behind
So, I talked to Sarah about 4 weeks ago. The only reason I’m typing this is to get it off my chest. Long story short, she said she never wanted to hear from me again. I deserved it. But for 4 weeks it’s been weighing on my mind. Begging for me to tell someone. It’s my donkey-eared King. So consider this me whispering into a hole. Sarah, my former best friend, who I’d have gladly died for, who I still love with all my heart, hates me and wishes me dead. Let the reeds whisper as they will. I’ve said my piece. PM me if you want. Been pretty lonely lately.

- Arthur
 
Are You Ready For That Great Atomic Power?
Been making a lot of personal posts, so here’s another life lesson one; about coming to terms with your own mortality. It’s something that, having attempted suicide 4 times, being hit by a car, stabbed (on one occasion), and ODing once, I’ve had to accept faster and, well, moreso than the average person.

The first thing I should say is that it’s always a process. You don’t wake up one day (usually) and think “oh ok, I unironically don’t give a fuck if I die”. Most people are afraid of death. They panic when they almost collide with another car, or hit a deer on the road (to use driving examples). I’ve almost hit a deer on more than one occasion, and I kept calm, not because I’m a “badass” or a psychopath, but because I simply don’t care about whether I or the deer died. And in a way, that allowed me to act more rationally.

I’m not gonna lie, there are downsides. Not having a survival instinct is basically undoing evolution. And it’s something that comes with NDEs like I’ve had. I’m not saying go out and almost die. But when you think you’re going to, use squared breathing. Try to slow the world down. Eventually you will get the hang of it, or, you know, die.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all meet the watchmaker eventually. If it happens a bit sooner, it’s not cause to panic. Rather, stay calm, and accepting. Because if it’s your time, it’s your time. And we’re all liable to meet our maker at the hands of corrupt politicians pushing the button eventually, anyways.
 
AureliusofPhoenix said:
The first thing I should say is that it’s always a process. You don’t wake up one day (usually) and think “oh ok, I unironically don’t give a fuck if I die”. Most people are afraid of death. They panic when they almost collide with another car, or hit a deer on the road (to use driving examples). I’ve almost hit a deer on more than one occasion, and I kept calm, not because I’m a “badass” or a psychopath, but because I simply don’t care about whether I or the deer died. And in a way, that allowed me to act more rationally.
Click to expand...
Not judging here, but honestly that sounds closer to a depression rather than accepting your own mortality.
 
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