The joke thread

S

Sovz

Vault Dweller
I've decided to make a joke thread (yes, I know how it sounds) and to concentrate most of my jokes in one thread, so here it is...


God's sitting up in his ivory tower, he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being number one, so he's decided to go on holiday.

He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions over a pint and a joint.

'What about Mars?' says one of them.

'Nah, I went there 15,000 years ago,' says God. 'It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty.'

'What about Pluto?' suggests another.

'Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago,' says God. 'F***ing freezing.'

'What about Mercury then?' says another.

'It's nice, but I went there about 5000 years ago. I nearly burnt me b*****ks off it was that hot. Never again,' says God.

'Well what about earth then?' suggests another.

'You must be joking,' says God, 'I went there about 2000 years ago, shagged some Israeli bird, and they're still f***ing talking about it.'
 
The son baught his mother a discos for her birthday.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" The mother asked her son.

"Well, if you don't like it you could just throw it"


EDIT: <Insert laughter>
 
@UJ - Bollocks, I assume. It's the British word for the place that hurts extremely bad when you get kicked there.
 
A small Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips.." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "You must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist". Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
 
Im sure some of you seen this map before but....


world_according_to_america.jpg
 
There's an American, a Frenchie and a Pole in a plane.
The plane takes off in LA, and is heading to Moscow.

A few hours after it takes off, the American sticks his hand out of the plane and boasts " Guys, we're still over the United States (God Bless Us).

The Frenchie and the Pole ask "Yeah? How do you know?"
The American replies "I touched the tip of the Empire State building", to the other passengers' awe.

Some hours later, the Frenchie sticks his hands out and claims " Friendze, ve are oveure mon pays, France"

The Gringo and the Pole ask "Yeah? How do you know?"
Frenchie says " I have le touched the tip of la tour Eiffel!", to the awe of the other two passengers.

A couple of hours later, the Pole sticks his hand out, and says, "People, we're over Poland".
Of course, the Frenchie and the American ask "How do you know"?

The Pole replies: "Some fucker stole my watch".
 
Due to Sovz's references to anatomy class (think of which word you would learn there), I have to conclude that the word was in fact "buttocks" not "bollocks."

Did I win?
 
How to call the police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?"
and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be
along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police
caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



Oh, and wooz, I knew that joke, but it was about an American, a Frenchie and a Romanian :) I guess those jokes are just local folklore :)
 
We can afford watches, the kind that are sold by the kilo They have an average life expectancy of 4-6 months. The real ones cost around 60$ and the minimum wage is around 85$.... go figure



Based on the amount of spam I'm getting at the moment, I suspect a lot
of men worry about the size of their penises.
Based on the amount of penises I've seen over the years, I would say a
lot of men worry with good reason.




BET YOU'LL READ IT TWICE!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Den I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'
 
a bear and a rabbit are siting in the forest just talking about life, when the bear asks the rabbit "do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" the rabbbit replies "not usally" "good" says the bear and he picks up the rabbit and wipes his but.
 
A British soldier, an American solider and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise, and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.

"In the Russian army we have 2000 calories of food a day," said the Russian.

"Well," said the Englishman, "In the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."

"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we have 8000 calories of food a day!"

At this, the Russian got very annoyed and exclaimed, "Nonsense! How could one man eat so much cabbage?!"
 
Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
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A: Robin, get in the Batmobile

Mohrg :twisted:
 
a little girl walks happily in the streets of paris when suddenly an amstaf dog attacks her.
a nearby bypasser sees the attack and jumps to the rescue , while struggling with the dog he choked him and saved the girl.

later, the press came on and asked they asked him his name wanting to write :'a parisian hero saves a girl from the clutches of a murderous dog!"

-"but i am not from paris"

-"very well, we shall write a french hero saves the girl from the murderous dog"

-"but i am not from france either"
-"very well, so we will write 'european hero rescues a little girl, etc,etc"

-"but i'm not from europe even"
-"so where are you from?
-"i'm from israel"

the next day it was released that "an israeli bypasser killed a little girl's dog".
 
Ahhh...it's difficult to write English in the middle of the night...

An elve and an ork meet each other in the bowel of the Evil-Overlordtm
The Ork: "You here too?"
The Elve: "Yes. But he ate me..."
 
German joke. Chances are there's ome shit-fetish innuendo somewhere.
 
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