The joke thread
- Thread starter Sovz
- Start date
holyrebellion
It Wandered In From the Wastes
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i didnt get it...
whats a similarity between bungee jumping and prostitutes?
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If the rubber breaks your f**ked
=]
i didnt get it...
whats a similarity between bungee jumping and prostitutes?
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If the rubber breaks your f**ked
=]
@ Aragorn: I don't get it. Enlighten me, please.
As for the joke:
This man I knew, a local butcher, used to pass gas every goddamn morning. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said: "If you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out."
Now, one night the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up the next morning, and not do it anymore.
So, the man wakes up in the morning and goes across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he comes out and states: "Honey, you were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers, I got them back in there."
As for the joke:
This man I knew, a local butcher, used to pass gas every goddamn morning. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said: "If you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out."
Now, one night the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up the next morning, and not do it anymore.
So, the man wakes up in the morning and goes across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he comes out and states: "Honey, you were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers, I got them back in there."
EyeMaster7
A Smooth-Skin
The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
Ugly John
So Old I'm Losing Radiation Signs
Here's one from my wife..she insisted i put it up here.
Why are men smarter when they have sex?
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Because they are plugged into a brain.
Why are men smarter when they have sex?
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Because they are plugged into a brain.
What's grey and transculent?
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An elephant in a plastic bag.
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An elephant in a plastic bag.
Ugly John
So Old I'm Losing Radiation Signs
How many aboriganal does it take to change a lightbulb?
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what's a lightbulb?
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what's a lightbulb?
KillaKilla
Still Mildly Glowing
Three men die. At the pearly gates, St. Patrick says that he can't let all three in. so he says he'll judge who gets in by how they died. To make shure they don't hear each other's stories, he has them each stand at opposite sides of heaven. So he goes to see the first guy:
Patrick: So, how'd you die?
#1: I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So I came home a little early, and I heard my wife in the shower. I ran frantically about our condo, looking for the man she was cheating with. When I ran out onto our balcony, there was a man there hanging by his fingers. Furiously, I stomped on his hands 'till he fell. When I looked down, I saw that he had fallen onto a trash bin, and lived. So I pushed my fridge off the balcony to crush him. I felt so terrible that I killed myself.
Patrick: So, how did you die?
#2: My doctor told me that I was overweight, and that I should get some excercise. So I started doing pullups on my balcony. One day, I lost my grip and fell. I was incredibly releaved to realise that I cought hold of another balcony 2 floors down. Before I could pull myself up, some maniac started stomping on my fingers. So when I fell, I knew I was done for. Luckily, I landed in a dumpster. So I was very relieved ,until I looked up and saw a fridge falling from the nut-job's balcony.
St. Patrick: Well, sir, you have some serious competition. So, tell me, how'd you die?
#3: Well, let's just say I was in a fridge, and....
Patrick: So, how'd you die?
#1: I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So I came home a little early, and I heard my wife in the shower. I ran frantically about our condo, looking for the man she was cheating with. When I ran out onto our balcony, there was a man there hanging by his fingers. Furiously, I stomped on his hands 'till he fell. When I looked down, I saw that he had fallen onto a trash bin, and lived. So I pushed my fridge off the balcony to crush him. I felt so terrible that I killed myself.
Patrick: So, how did you die?
#2: My doctor told me that I was overweight, and that I should get some excercise. So I started doing pullups on my balcony. One day, I lost my grip and fell. I was incredibly releaved to realise that I cought hold of another balcony 2 floors down. Before I could pull myself up, some maniac started stomping on my fingers. So when I fell, I knew I was done for. Luckily, I landed in a dumpster. So I was very relieved ,until I looked up and saw a fridge falling from the nut-job's balcony.
St. Patrick: Well, sir, you have some serious competition. So, tell me, how'd you die?
#3: Well, let's just say I was in a fridge, and....
EyeMaster7
A Smooth-Skin
A teacher was talking about genders when a girl raised her hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher was not sure about that and divided the class into two groups according to the student's gender.
The girls concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you are committed to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The boys decided that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
The teacher was not sure about that and divided the class into two groups according to the student's gender.
The girls concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you are committed to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The boys decided that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
Hey, what's a hot chick in Britain?
a foreigner?
:p
:p
That joke didn't make sense to me, and I think I know why, soh here it goes: What is a blender?
*a litle bad language, not much, just thought i'd tell...oh, well, enjoy it, it's fun...*
A litle kid comes to the counter in a brothel, holding a flat frog in a rope behind him. He asks the woman behind the counter for you-know-what. she says that he's too young, but then he slams 500 bucks on the counter. Obviusly he gets what he wants then, but as he walks up the stairs he suddenly stops and runs back. He says to the woman, that he needs one with herpes.."Okaaay" the woman says "But I don't think I can give you that" Then the kid slams another 500 bucks on the counter. Again she let it go and again he goes up, this time finnishing the thing. But on his way out, the woman asks "Why did you need one with herpes??" then the kid says: "Cos now I got herpes, and when I get home, I fuck the babysitter so then she has herpes, and when my dad drivers her home, he fuck her in the backseat, and then he's got herpes. Now when my dad comes home, he fucks my mother tonight, and then she gets herpes, adn when dad's gone to work and the mailman comes to our house, then he fucks my mother so that he gets herpes. AND HE'S THE ASSHOLE WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!"
*a litle bad language, not much, just thought i'd tell...oh, well, enjoy it, it's fun...*
A litle kid comes to the counter in a brothel, holding a flat frog in a rope behind him. He asks the woman behind the counter for you-know-what. she says that he's too young, but then he slams 500 bucks on the counter. Obviusly he gets what he wants then, but as he walks up the stairs he suddenly stops and runs back. He says to the woman, that he needs one with herpes.."Okaaay" the woman says "But I don't think I can give you that" Then the kid slams another 500 bucks on the counter. Again she let it go and again he goes up, this time finnishing the thing. But on his way out, the woman asks "Why did you need one with herpes??" then the kid says: "Cos now I got herpes, and when I get home, I fuck the babysitter so then she has herpes, and when my dad drivers her home, he fuck her in the backseat, and then he's got herpes. Now when my dad comes home, he fucks my mother tonight, and then she gets herpes, adn when dad's gone to work and the mailman comes to our house, then he fucks my mother so that he gets herpes. AND HE'S THE ASSHOLE WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!"
In the doctor's office, Wooz69 enters, with a frog attached to his head.
So the doctor asks: "Man, how the hell did that happen?"
To which the frog replies: "Well, it all started with a wart..."
So the doctor asks: "Man, how the hell did that happen?"
To which the frog replies: "Well, it all started with a wart..."
Gay.