The joke thread

Jebus, Elissar and Wooz69 all die in a terrible car crash. And as things go, their prepare to ascend to heaven.

Of course, going up to heaven is not an easy thing. After going through all the trouble of dieing, one also has to knock himself out jumping up to heaven, cloud by cloud.

So, off they go. Jebus goes first, jumping up to heaven, one cloud at a time.

But when Jebus arrives at the gates of heaven, someone seems to be with him. Holding his hand, is THE UGLIEST FUCKING BITCH you've EVER seen. She is truly horrible. Fat beyond immagination, covered in warts, smells like shit that has been soaking in ammoniak and sulfur for three weeks, and looks like she has been hit over by three consecutive steam walses.

"'Good gracious Lord in Heaven!", St. Peter cries out "How the FUCK did you end up with an ugly bitch like that, Jebus?"
"Well", Jebus said, "So I was jumping up to heaven, right? And all was going well, untill I happen to accedentally step onto this pink cloud. And then suddenly, this... errrr... woman appears right next to me, and I can't seem to able to shake her..."
"Ah yes," St. Peter says, "You have stepped on one of the pink clouds. Well, tough luck, pal. This shit happens... Anyway, enjoy heaven..."

So Jebus enters heaven.

A few moments later, Elissar arrives at the gates of heaven. And, while he is looking good as always, holding hands with him is a woman that must be THE EPITOME OF TEH DAMN UGLYNESS! She looks a bit like this woman right here, although not as pretty by far.

So St. Peter asks: "DUDE! Elissar! DUDE! What the hell are you doing with an ugly ho like that?"
To which Elissar replies: "Yeah well... I stepped on one o' those pink clouds when coming up here, and..."
"Ah yeah," St. Peter says, "I just had a case like that coming in here... Tough break, sonny... I wish you luck..."

So Elissar enters heaven.

And then, a few moments later, Wooz69 arrives at the gates of heaven.

And, holding hands with him, is something that can not be described by words. It is something that does not even look remotely human. Holding hands with Wooz69, is something that looks like 250 kg of pure, wart and zip-filled blubber come to life. It has a face that looks like it has been worked on by an entire building crew with sledgehammers, and her breath stinks like there's a concentrations camp cemetary in her mouth... Truly, she was fifty times more ugly then both previous women combined...

So St. Peter says: "Ugh... Stepped on a pink cloud, have ya?"

To which the woman replies: "Yeah..."
 
Visibly, the woman was attracted to similar fat blobs. Having a stud such as myself didn't seem to alter her flab fetish.

Anyway, a joke for you. oeil pour oeil, tete pour dent.
So there's a head, right? And it's in Hell, doin...Wait, no.


Elly, Wooz and Jebus are imprisoned in a concentration camp. Wooz is imprisoned by boycotting the NSDAP and their racist, fascist views, Elissar is imprisoned for being black, and Jebus is imprisoned by being a homosexual, paedophilic sick fuck.
The head SS agrees to release the three prisoners. If they agree to do something special for the commander. (No, not that kind of "special". Anyways, Jeb would've won.)

"Vell, Prizonerz, You Must Go Zu Der Kountryside Und Collect TEN Fruits"

The three prisoners shrug, and agree to the SS Ubersturmfuhrer's request. What the hell, getting the hell out of Auschwitz is worth going on a fruit run.

Elissar returns first, as his ancestral wisdom and uncivilized ways guide him in a search for food in the woods. It's not like there's tons of food in Africa, anyway.
Elly returns with ten raspberries.
The SS commander says "Vell, Now Du Must Shove Them Up Your Arschol"

Elly shrugs, thinks "What the hell, whatever takes me out of this goddamn place" and shoves ten raspberries up his ass. The SS commander releases him.

Next comes Wooz. He found ten blueberries.
The SS commander says "Vell, Now Du Must Shove Them Up Your Arschol"

Wooz shrugs, thinks "What the hell, whatever takes me out of this goddamn place", takes down his pants, and bursts out laughing.

"Vell, Vot Is Zo Funny?, Do You Vant To Get Shot?"

"I'm sorry, Komendant. I just saw Jebus enter the camp with ten watermelons"
 
Poor Jebus.

CCR, Jebus, and Wooz all die in a terrible accident. All three are in line at the Pearly Gate. CCR is first, next is Jebus, and at the end is Wooz. Saint Peter addresses all three; "To enter Heaven, you must be virginal, here we have a fountin of water blessed by God; touch it the part of your body you have committed carnal sin with."

CCR, since he's first in line, simply dunks his hand in the water, and St. Peter lets him pass into Heaven.

Suddenly Wooz pushes Jebus out of the way, so he is next in line. St. Peter asks him "Why did you do this my son?"

To which Wooz answers "No way am I going to stick my dick in there after Jebus puts his ass in that water!"
 
Man some of this Euro humor is tough to figure out...

A plane is flying from the US to Europe and is in the middle of the Atlantic ocean when suddenly one of the two engines dies.

The pilot gets on the PA and says that they might just be able to make it to land if three passengers volunteer to jump off the plane to lighten the load.

People look at each other in silence for a moment.

Suddenly up jumps an Englishman. "God save the queen!" he yells, and he jumps off the plane.

People look at each other in silence for a little while longer.

Suddenly up jumps a Frenchman. "Vive la France!" he yells, and he jumps off the plane.

People look at each other in silence for a long while.

Suddenly this big Texan stands up. "Remember the Alamo!" he yells, and he throws off a Mexican.

:)
 
A favorite of mine:

Q: What's the difference between a mistress, a wife, and a prostitute?





A: A mistress says: "Slower... Slower...." A prostitute says "Faster! Faster!" and a wife says "I think I'll paint the ceiling beige..."
 
Okay, time to drag up one of my old favorites.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the senior priest how he had done. The older priest replied "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip"

So the next Sunday he took the senior priest's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

1 Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2 There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3 There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4 Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5 Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6 We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the last J.C.

7 The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook.

8 David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9 When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10 We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11 When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say "Eat me."

12 The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry."

13 The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

14 Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St Taffy's.
 
A young girl named Mary was minding her business in Chatholic School, when the trouble-maker, Thomas, started to poke her with his pencil. Agitated, she turns around and gives him an evil stare. Thinking it is Mary who is causing trouble, the teacher scolds her and asks, "Mary, who created the heavens and earth?" In her rage Mary doesn't hear the teacher and says to Thomas, "God Almighty." "Excellent", replies the teacher. A few minutes go by, and the same thing happens again. The teacher asks Mary, "Who is our one and only savior?" Again, in her angry state, Mary ingores her and says to Thomas, "Jesus Christ!" "That's correct", the teacher replies. More time goes by, and of course Thomas refuses to stop bothering Mary. He again pokes her and by this time, she's had enough. The teacher by this time has had enough as well, and gives Mary a really difficult question. "What were the famous words Eve said to Adam in The Garden of Eden?" Paying no attention to the teacher, Mary shouts at Thomas, "I swear to god, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I'm gonna snap it off!!!"
 
The residents of a small belgish town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town. The sheriff ditfully arrests Jebus and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!" Jebus says, "I'll need at least two hours."
 
The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?"

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up. "Aunt, your Holiness."

The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do you have an eraser?"
 
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",
Osama
himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting. Bush
opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:



37OHSSV-O773H


Bush was baffeled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his
aides
had no clue either - so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
so
it went to the CIA, the on to NASA, the to the Secret Service.
With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP for
help.
The RCMP cabled the White House as follows:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
 
Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?


A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!



Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
 
This one had me rolling in the aisles. Wait a minute.... I don't *have* aisles!

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
 
A man living deep in the jungles of Borneo visits his witch-doctor one day.

"Hello, how are you? Is something wrong?" says the witch-doctor.

"Yes, wise one. My dick is 25 inches long. The women are frightened to go to bed with me. Can you help?" says the man.

The witch-doctor thinks briefly and then smiles. "Yes, I believe I can! Do you know of a frog named Jim?"

The man says, "Yes, yes I have! Can he help me?"

Says the witch-doctor, "Yes. You must go to him and ask him to marry you. He will say no and your dick will shrink by 5 inches. Simply ask him to marry you 3 times and your problem will be solved."

Overjoyed, the man rushes out into the jungle and finds Jim the frog. He asks Jim to marry him.

"No," says the frog, and the man checks his dick and finds that it is now only 20 inches!

He repeats his marriage proposal, and again the frog says no. 15 inches! He figures that one last proposal should do it, so once more he proposes.

"Jim the Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him rather crossly and says, "How many fucking times do I have to say it? NO, NO, NO!!!!"
 
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