Member of Khans said:
See?
The joke thread
- Thread starter Sovz
- Start date
See?
Member of Khans
Vault Dweller
Yes please...
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks: "What's that, Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that it is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.
Some time later, though, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. So Tommy asks her: "Where is your sponge, Mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mother that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that it is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.
Some time later, though, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. So Tommy asks her: "Where is your sponge, Mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mother that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"
anybody heard the jokes about the mouse and the elefant?
well, the mouse was always bugging the elefant saying; im stronger than you, blabla etc. ...one day the elefant got tired of this and said : if you dont shut the fuck up, ill shit on ya!....but the mouse carried on: blabla stronger, blabla....so the elefant shited a big pile on the mouse....the mouse dug himself up and said: hit me RIGHT in the eye!
and an other one:
the usual im stronger thing blablka....this time, the elefant said that they could find out whos stronger by standing on each side of a tree, and so they did, and ofcourse the elefant won...when the mouse got on his feet, he brushed dust ofhim and said: damn, i slipped!
and ofcourse, the elefant that kept tramping on the ants, and the ants got mighty tired of this, so one day when they elefant came to tramp on'em, thewy ran all up on him; but the elefant just shaked them of, all but one, and all the others screemed STRANGLE HIM, MARTY! STRANGLE HIM!!
well, the mouse was always bugging the elefant saying; im stronger than you, blabla etc. ...one day the elefant got tired of this and said : if you dont shut the fuck up, ill shit on ya!....but the mouse carried on: blabla stronger, blabla....so the elefant shited a big pile on the mouse....the mouse dug himself up and said: hit me RIGHT in the eye!
and an other one:
the usual im stronger thing blablka....this time, the elefant said that they could find out whos stronger by standing on each side of a tree, and so they did, and ofcourse the elefant won...when the mouse got on his feet, he brushed dust ofhim and said: damn, i slipped!
and ofcourse, the elefant that kept tramping on the ants, and the ants got mighty tired of this, so one day when they elefant came to tramp on'em, thewy ran all up on him; but the elefant just shaked them of, all but one, and all the others screemed STRANGLE HIM, MARTY! STRANGLE HIM!!
c0ldst33ltrs4u
Vault Dweller
A guy goes into a bar, goes to the bartender and says:
"Bartender give everybody a drink, on me!"
"Can I have one too?" asks the bartender
"Sure!"
When the guy wants to leave the bartender presents him with a huge bill. The guy just looks at the bartender, and with a smile on his face tells him he has no money. The bartender beats the shit out of him and throws him out. About a week later the guy comes back and tells to give everybody a drink, on him. The bartender asks him if he too can have a drink. The guy looks at him and says:
"No! You are much too violent when you drink!"
Contest: who can eat a loaf of bread, wash a shit and fuck a woman, all in ten minutes.
The first man to try this is the American. He eats the loaf of bread and is about to start washing the shirt when the time runs out. Too bad.
The a German gives it a try. Firs he meticulously washes the shirt, then he eats the loaf of bread and the time runs out.
Then a Romanian takes a stab at it. He makes the woman wash the shirt and in the same time he is eating the loaf of bread and fucking her, so he completes all three tasks on time.
The moral of this joke is: if you aren't fucking the one who works you don't get to eat a loaf of bread.
(Note: in Romanian eating a loaf of bread also means earning a living
)
"Bartender give everybody a drink, on me!"
"Can I have one too?" asks the bartender
"Sure!"
When the guy wants to leave the bartender presents him with a huge bill. The guy just looks at the bartender, and with a smile on his face tells him he has no money. The bartender beats the shit out of him and throws him out. About a week later the guy comes back and tells to give everybody a drink, on him. The bartender asks him if he too can have a drink. The guy looks at him and says:
"No! You are much too violent when you drink!"
Contest: who can eat a loaf of bread, wash a shit and fuck a woman, all in ten minutes.
The first man to try this is the American. He eats the loaf of bread and is about to start washing the shirt when the time runs out. Too bad.
The a German gives it a try. Firs he meticulously washes the shirt, then he eats the loaf of bread and the time runs out.
Then a Romanian takes a stab at it. He makes the woman wash the shirt and in the same time he is eating the loaf of bread and fucking her, so he completes all three tasks on time.
The moral of this joke is: if you aren't fucking the one who works you don't get to eat a loaf of bread.
(Note: in Romanian eating a loaf of bread also means earning a living
)
: 
Wow.... Gotta say, I did NOT understand that joke...
Member of Khans
Vault Dweller
Okay...maybe I choose the wrong word... they're meeting in the overlord's intestine... the elf had been aten but the Orc not... how does he get there...
Does the phrase "To climb into someones ass" not have any meaning in English?
If not: I'm sorry... I haven't thought about it in the middle of the night...
Does the phrase "To climb into someones ass" not have any meaning in English?
If not: I'm sorry... I haven't thought about it in the middle of the night...
Superman is flying around over Metropolis, when he spots Wonderwoman, who is all naked and is lying with her legs spread, soaking in the sun on a rooftop. Superman decides to fuck her, since his super speed allows him to get away with it, before she even realises what has happened. He flies down, goes at it, and is gone, all in the blink of an eye. Wonderwoman says "What the fuck was that?". "I don't know," answers the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell."
I thought you might mean that, but without any context it just isn't very funny imo.Member of Khans said:Does the phrase "To climb into someones ass" not have any meaning in English?
If not: I'm sorry... I haven't thought about it in the middle of the night...
Like, if you made the joke with Bush ad Evil Overlord and Blair as Orc, it would be funny..
Member of Khans
Vault Dweller
I originally thought so...but who should be the elf?
alec said:
Beat me to it.
a man walks at the bar of the empire state building and start ask for something to drink.
a burly man drinking next to him says 'i got a drink that can make you immortal!'.
the man said 'prove it'.
next, the burly man orders the "drink", runs toward the window and jumps 40 floors. after a few minutes he shows up at the elevator casual as usual, the man is obviously impressed,so he also orders the "special" drink and jumps for the window and then drops and *Splaaat*, became one with the sidewalk-as well as the maker.
the bartender sighs,shakes his head and says "you are such a basterd when you are drunk, superman".
a burly man drinking next to him says 'i got a drink that can make you immortal!'.
the man said 'prove it'.
next, the burly man orders the "drink", runs toward the window and jumps 40 floors. after a few minutes he shows up at the elevator casual as usual, the man is obviously impressed,so he also orders the "special" drink and jumps for the window and then drops and *Splaaat*, became one with the sidewalk-as well as the maker.
the bartender sighs,shakes his head and says "you are such a basterd when you are drunk, superman".
Member of Khans
Vault Dweller
Old but good:
Little Kevin was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their parents did for a living. All the typical answers came up --fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
Kevin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Kevin aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Kevin, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Little Kevin was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their parents did for a living. All the typical answers came up --fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
Kevin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Kevin aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Kevin, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
c0ldst33ltrs4u
Vault Dweller
It's a way of living over here
Ok this one is a bit old, from the communist era, featuring the all romanian Bula, the hero of most jokes from that period.
Bula is at school. The teacher asks the class to name some birds.
Ionescu : "The eagle!"
Teacher: "Good one Ionescu, you can tell your father is a doctor!"
Popescu : "The hawk!"
Teacher: "Good one Popescu, you can tell your father is an engineer!"
Bula: "The crocodile!"
Teacher: "Bula, you moron, what does your father do for a living?"
Bula : "He works for the Securitate!"
Teacher: "Bula, you genius, you are absolutely right, the crocodile does fly, just lower "
K, if any of you Americans get offended by this... it's a joke.
A British soldier and an Iraqi soldier were found unconcious lying in the middle of a road. When the Brit woke up he was asked what happened. He said:
"I was on patrol when I saw this Iraqi. I yelled at him 'Saddam's a wanker!' and he yelled at me 'George Bush is an idiot!' and we were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us!"
A British soldier and an Iraqi soldier were found unconcious lying in the middle of a road. When the Brit woke up he was asked what happened. He said:
"I was on patrol when I saw this Iraqi. I yelled at him 'Saddam's a wanker!' and he yelled at me 'George Bush is an idiot!' and we were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us!"
c0ldst33ltrs4u
Vault Dweller
Bush, Gorbaciov and Ceaucescu are at a meeting in Florida. At one point they start arguing about the courage and devotion of their soldiers. To prove just how brave the G.I. Joe is Bush Sends one or his soldiers in the swamp to fetch him an alligator. The soldier goes into the swamp and comes back half an hour later, al battered and bruised, bleeding from several wounds, but holding an alligator in his arms. Ceaucescu comments "It's a woman's job!".
The Gorbaciov sends Ivan into the swamp to fetch him two alligators. About two hours later Ivan shows up, severely wounded, missing a leg, but firmly gripping two alligators while he was hopping out of the swamp. Again Ceaucescu comments "It's a woman's job!"
Annoyed by this Bush and Gorbaciov ask him if the Romanian soldier can do better. "Watch this!" says Ceaucescu.
"Gheorghe, go into the swamp and bring me four alligators!"
Gheorghe looks at him and says "Why don't you sent your mother, I'm not going there!"
Then Ceaucescu turns to Bush and Gorbaciov and says "See? I told you it was a woman's job!"
The Gorbaciov sends Ivan into the swamp to fetch him two alligators. About two hours later Ivan shows up, severely wounded, missing a leg, but firmly gripping two alligators while he was hopping out of the swamp. Again Ceaucescu comments "It's a woman's job!"
Annoyed by this Bush and Gorbaciov ask him if the Romanian soldier can do better. "Watch this!" says Ceaucescu.
"Gheorghe, go into the swamp and bring me four alligators!"
Gheorghe looks at him and says "Why don't you sent your mother, I'm not going there!"
Then Ceaucescu turns to Bush and Gorbaciov and says "See? I told you it was a woman's job!"
EyeMaster7
A Smooth-Skin
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
A yong man was walking though the park, when he saw an old man sitting on a bench crying. Being a good bloke, the young man went over and asked him: "What's wrong?"
The old man looked up and replied: "Well, I'm seventy eight years old, and I recently married a twenty three year old woman..."
The young man cut in and said: "Oh, so you can't perform your duties in the bedroom."
Then the old man answered "Yes, I can. We get down to it about three times a day!"
The young man is astonished and said "That's amazing! I'm over fifty years younger than you and I don't get that much! What's there to cry about!?"
The old man sniffed, and answered "I can't remember where I live!"
The old man looked up and replied: "Well, I'm seventy eight years old, and I recently married a twenty three year old woman..."
The young man cut in and said: "Oh, so you can't perform your duties in the bedroom."
Then the old man answered "Yes, I can. We get down to it about three times a day!"
The young man is astonished and said "That's amazing! I'm over fifty years younger than you and I don't get that much! What's there to cry about!?"
The old man sniffed, and answered "I can't remember where I live!"