X-COM Files: No Aliens Allowed - Let's Play

Discussion in 'General Discussion Forum' started by TorontoReign, Jun 9, 2020.

  1. TheOtherManInTheRoom

    TheOtherManInTheRoom Watchman

    Mar 28, 2018
    Am really enjoying this. Keep it up sir.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 1
  2. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
    This next entry will fast forward a month or so since capturing farmers and killing scorpions can only be shown so many times. Plus I want to show off other characters. I am actually at July currently but the LP is trying to keep up. Don't feel left out noobies. Everyone will make their appearance. Gus your son will likely take your place at some point.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 2
  3. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005

    X-COM held a brief memorial for Gus shortly after his death. They then dealt with several low level creepy crawly attacks that were (mostly) event free. By the time April rolled around some new upgrades were underway.

    The latest intel brief to the Talking Heads at the UN.

    Now I think we could use private transportation considering how vital our role is. That is what I tell myself when I spend $60,000 on a two seat vehicle.

    But the private plane is worth it.

    Mystery Machine was sold last month to make room for SQUAD PRIME. Needless to say he will be driven while Walpknut and Hassknecht wrap up a quick case before a few noobs show up.


    Walpknut: How are we supposed to knock out a zombie?

    Hassknecht: I don't know. Let's find out!

    Walpknut: He was hit but no effect!

    Hassknecht: I'm starting to think we needed shotguns.

    Walpknut: Don't say shotgun.

    Shoot damnit!

    A hit!

    They take more shots than a human which makes sense.

    Celebrating might be a little early.

    Walpknut whacks the zombie a couple times on approach.

    Two zombies down!

    They survey the area with their flashlights. There appears to be several zombies moving in the corn field.

    Hassknecht: I brought something for these stinking assholes.


    Hassknecht: I'll burn the field where they are coming in.

    The flames begin to spread, but there are more coming from the other end of the map.

    Hassknecht takes aim but he fumbles with the flamethrower only to miss.

    Walpknut takes aim and fires with a hit when the fat zombie triggers Overwatch.

    Hass finishes the job with the flamethrower. I'm not sure if that zombie died or ran away but he was not pleased.

    With more zombies approaching from the houses and ammo running low the duo decides to retreat back to the safety of their Squadcar.

    Walpknut: Gross. This thing is leaking.

    My excellent save file system.

    Meanwhile a couple of old fucks by the name of Odin and Welsh are getting their X-COM cherry popped.

    Welsh you younglings might not know used to be the brains (honcho) around this joint. Now he stops by every few years to tell us he is alive. Now he was incarnated into this universe for our pleasure.

    Odin is kinda like Welsh in those respects but he has not posted here in ages. I'm not sure if he is wearing a helmet or what here but who cares let's kill some cultists!

    Odin: Godhead said these guys are the real deal.

    Welsh: Let's go ask them and find out!

    Welsh and Odin decide to introduce themselves.

    In the shadows more hooded figures approach.

    Finally the men are able to take one of the bastards down. Those robes don't protect much.

    Squadcar takes a few hits but he doesn't mind much.

    Bullets flying over heads abound. When I mean bullets I mean fully automatic tatatatatat.

    Now they are coming from the woods as well as the compound.

    Taste my Glock sucker!

    Lucky shot.

    Then one of the cultists manages to sneak from the other side of the car catching us off guard.

    Odin takes a hit to the chest, but the body armor absorbs the blow.

    He decides to return the favor with a little shotgun surgery.

    Another dead Klanmen.

    Then the Wizards step out to join the fun. The amount of bullets fired is ungodly but for some reason the camera missed most of them.

    Here is one.

    Right around this point is when Odin and Welsh decide to leave instead of being crucified on a burning cross.

    X-COM seems happy as long as you kill or capture someone. This time.

    Odin: I need a drink.

    Welsh and Odin both receive awards for their noble Klan Killing Kordination.

    Crop Circles being ignored? Well I guess I did miss a mission or two due logistic issues.

    But thankfully we have the support of the Unwashed Masses...for now. Canada was not pleased last month due to a mishap with killing some of their civilians.

    This guy is supposed to help us later on. Right now he is a stepping stone to a Bio Lab so I can use more scientists without blowing money on a new base too soon.

    Right now we need to look into these zombies. Researching corpses is a big part of this game and especially this mod. With most of the veterans either wounded or training the latest mass murder due to paranormal events is getting a dropship squad of noobies as a response, instead of a rental van or sports car.

    SQUADRANGER is the name of our vehicle in case you didn't know. It barely flies across the US without running out of gas or I would use it all the time due to the space.

    Our good friend Dopamine Cleric is now joining us. It's actually a coincidence that you are bald Granny. I hope you know that.

    Followed by the infamous Throatpunch! How did he get in there!?

    For some reason Gizmojunk is black. Nothing to add there. I don't want to be called a racist!

    Millim hardly has any equipment but I like to keep my weed whackers light anyway. We brought some dogs too.

    We land in the middle of a field.

    TOM is here too because everybody that could fit jumped on.

    Squat pops out to use that extra sensory range that I desire. No light required if I am thinking correctly.

    Alphons is getting a chance to shine. Go Alphons! Go!

    Even SuaSide is joining the party! Those knives come in handy. Trust me.

    Dope Cleric: Zombie incoming!

    Someone fires hitting the zombie twice and killing him...again.

    More of the group moves out of the vehicle.

    While one of the group fires on a creeping zombie.

    He doesn't make it far.

    But this guy...

    ...and his friend are on the prowl.

    The group scatters to shift firing positions.

    But one of the dogs is killed. They are squishy.

    The offending zombie is blasted but still standing.

    Before finally getting taken out.

    This is the last known sighting of Gizmo the noob. His body was not found. Deaths like this should be avoided but I thought that zone was clear. Turns out one of the zombies I was fighting off later was poor Gizmo.

    Top right you can see what is left of Gizmo shambling away. Poor fuck.


    Dope Cleric: Hey where is Gizmo? No response on his radio. I never even got to talk to him!

    SuaSide: Keep an eye out. He could be hurt.

    The team knows what to do. They reassemble and begin patrolling for the remaining zombies.

    Slim Jim finds one and moves in for the kill.

    He knocks one out!

    The last zombie is found in the front yard of the house. A quick head shot takes it out but the loss was great.

    Sufficient? A man and a service dog are dead damnit!

    People like Throatpunch live while Gizmo is off eating some blonde...in a gross way.


    I'll drink a glass of Crown for the lost after I post this. You know for respect.

    Last edited: Jun 16, 2020
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  4. Risewild

    Risewild Venerable Relic of the Wastes
    Modder Orderite

    Jun 14, 2014
    Damn it,. That mission was going so well (apart of the weird grenade) and then Gus had to die.
    I guess there's no doubt that Squat was the MVP here.

    EDIT: Took me too long to get Squat pic to my post and now a new LP post was made... Well I will read it now.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 3
  5. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
    Squat pulls some weight for sure. I look forward to getting some rats but fucking scorpions keep popping up and they are so boring. I had a big long scorpion fight but it was so boring I didn't post it.

    But yeah dogs have great movement plus a couple of bites will kill most early mobs. I did find a spider that was unkillable that I later learned to be on purpose to show how eldritch and unkillable it was. Neat stuff though! I'm drinking to the fallen!
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  6. Risewild

    Risewild Venerable Relic of the Wastes
    Modder Orderite

    Jun 14, 2014
    Poor Gizmo. He was a good guy. I'll name my next wombat pet in his honor.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 1
  7. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
    I had a pet named Gizmo so it was surprising to see him ganked off screen only for me to barely notice it days later going through pics. I mean he was pulled out of the dark like the movies. Good shit.
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  8. SquidVan

    SquidVan Literal Vampire Potbelly Goblin

    Jun 1, 2018
    Squat's right hand is stronger than his left hand?
    upload_2020-6-12_8-50-39.png upload_2020-6-12_8-50-8.png
    Ahahaha I like Squat.

    RIP Gus

    Good shit Toronto, I'm digging it!
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 1
  9. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
    Actually the left hand is a bark attack.
  10. SquidVan

    SquidVan Literal Vampire Potbelly Goblin

    Jun 1, 2018
    Ah, I was wondering what the difference was there.
  11. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
    Apparently it was pretty OP at one point, but now it seems to just stun the enemy a bit.
  12. TheGM

    TheGM The voice of reason

    Aug 19, 2008
    Sir, our Operative inside their field unit was killed.


    Incompetence, sir. It appears they didn't bring enough ammo.

    Unfortunate, but even they didn't know they were working for us.

    What now?

    Activate The G Protocol. We need somebody on the ground with this one...

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  13. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
  14. TheGM

    TheGM The voice of reason

    Aug 19, 2008
    Why not both!
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 1
  15. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005


    It is now May. Several new members are rolling in as the base grows and the missions increase in difficulty. One member and his service dog are on a mission right now actually. Let us take a peek.

    We can see Miroslav is spreading Democracy to some rampaging Man Apes. These are the same group of Man Apes that tried to rape dear Toront a few Chapters ago. Miroslav had intel this time though - they do not like fire.

    Miroslav: We will put that to the test.

    Imagine everything Miroslav says in a Russian accent. Remember Whiplash off Iron Man 2? Like that.

    These things are great.

    These guys don't know what they are getting into. I bet they think they are running into a battle with a guy wielding pistols.

    Miroslav: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    Even Mr Slut got in on the action. He takes down a few.

    Tearing several of the Man Apes a new asshole.

    But poor Mr.Slut is gangbanged. The life of a service dog is much shorter than a human in all respects.

    He bleeds out while Miroslav spews flame in all directions.

    Mr. Slut died so quick he never even barked.

    Miroslav is filled with rage.


    Most of the Man Apes retreat. Miroslav gets out of the area before more return.

    X-COM doesn't mind dead dogs as much as people.

    He was a good slut.

    It's mostly due to having to retreat so many times, but I am told that is what federal agents do these days. Ha Ha.

    June and July are pretty eventful months. Once we reach September the UFO's will drop by pretty regularly then we can steal their shit and reverse engineer it. We need to prepare.

    But these babies should help in capturing folks a lot.

    Medicine was researched then some DOCTOR showed up and tried to sound smart. She doesn't even have a blue coat on.

    Walpknut: This werewolf keeps waking up.

    Toront: Tranq it again.

    Walpknut: I'm out of rounds.

    Toront: Smash it in the head a little bit. Not too hard.

    Walpknut: *looks at Toront sheepishly*

    Toront: Use that bat.

    Werewolf: Raaarr....I think I....


    Now Werewolf will be held in our prison. That will teach him to be different. This prison is like that one on Buffy.

    Remember the lost dogs and their two human friends.

    These are the kinds of missions that happen in between. Lone monster and three civilians roam map. Two guys or a guy and a dog go hunt them down and try to kill or capture them.

    You see the result. Noob missions.

    They sure do boost your score though. More CROP CIRCLES PLEASE.

    Suddenly Elon Musk gave us a large donation of money.

    I had been keeping a lookout for Serge. Then suddenly a mission came through the wire...this one was undercover.

    Toront: Hey Welsh we got a mission together. Hass is off breaking in some noobs.

    Welsh: I'll pack my bags.

    Toront: Undercover this time. Some ski resort is a front for some cultist activity. Sounds like some James Bond shit.

    While staying at the cabin men sneak up in the middle of the night.

    Believe it or not if you have a hunting license you can bring hunting rifles on these missions. Neat!

    Why the blood is the color of sweat I don't know.

    The goons are moving in pretty fast and the Agents have a pretty light loadset considering the number of foes.

    Welsh blows one away with this pistol while aiming out the side window.

    Toront takes aim with the rifle. This is a move one step and you cannot fire type of weapon.


    Not out of the fire yet.

    Some of these guys have armor and really nice weapons. The better to steal.

    Direct hit on his tender man flesh. This is the last known pic of this asshole. I assume he crawled away and died like that one guy did on Mr. Robot.

    The last few cocksuckers are coming from the rear. And without even taking us out to dinner.

    Toront now in a bloodlust and tired of trying this vital mission over and over, simply charged with a knife in purse psychotic rage.

    Every X-COM players nightmare. The bad guy goes to shoot Toront point blank with his fancy rifle and....

    I shit you not he shot the fence and the ground and everything else but Toront.

    The wall even.

    You can almost see the confusion on Toront's face at still being alive.

    The first knife slash takes off the bad guys throat.

    Then Welsh offers a sweet assist from the window. True buddy cop style.

    That was the last of them.

    There was a point in the fight where Toront was knocked out and Welsh healed him with a medkit. Another bad guy or two died there. Just fyi faithful shitposters.

    You can see the difference in pulling off an important mission or running from them all the time. That is why I have had to use my senior agents so often. Speaking of which some new recruits just came in.

    There are many more.

    Another important mission has come up so of course I will trust it to a bunch of noobs.

    So essentially they are going and kidnapping Julian Assange.

    These two dogs came highly recommended on DogsofWar.com.

    Dope Cleric still has not worked on growing any hair but I think he has owned it. Hassknecht is here too but he didn't want his picture taken.

    These dogs just know what to do. Almost like they are being piloted by a superior intelligence.

    Hassknecht: I'm checking this direction out. Watch my back.

    Dopamine Cleric: I'll watch your ass.

    Hassknecht: *shakes head no*

    Hassknecht: I got him!


    Dope Cleric: HE SAID HE HAS A GUN!

    He was only armed with a pipe. The poor fuck. They did sprinkle some crack on him and planted child pornography on his laptop just in case.

    This chick is carrying a gun though.

    So she had to die. Those tazers have a really shitty range.

    Solid Cleric.

    The current base. Not long after this there will be a small new base somewhere else.

    A more up to date roster list.


    Next update will be a little more action packed. Inform me of any grammatical errors or other fuckups of any kind.
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2020
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  16. The Dopamine Cleric

    The Dopamine Cleric This ghoul has seen it all

    Nov 3, 2007

    This is probably the best LP series done in a long time.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 2
  17. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
    Thanks Granny. I have a few complaints but it is working ok. I battled myself back and forth whether I should do more of a focus on story or not but that would just slow down the updates to a crawl. I am going to go through and spoiler text everything so it is easier to post.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 1
  18. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005


    This update just so happens to fall on God's birthday as some of the good men, women, and doges of X-COM kill or capture citizens that find out about Fight Club.

    Of course Rose is in on this. This bitch is all about killing civilians. It must be due to her breed.

    Toront keeps telling everyone Per is a Reptilian but nobody gets it.

    Hassknecht is always the most rational person in the room.

    Risewild is my Beat Off guy. He is always good at beating off farmers.

    The uzi is about as good as you would expect.

    The men spread out. They have done this before.

    Rose is sniffing out the snitch.

    Risewild tosses the flashlight to boost the range because that totally works in real life.

    Hassknecht is with his bitch.

    Rise enters the building with nothing to show for his effort.

    Risewild: Clear!

    Per spots a potential target.

    Per: I wonder if he knows how to refuel the car? What does that even mean? Why did I say that?

    Hassknecht: Eyes sharp. I'm still looking for a promotion so don't fuck it up.

    Per: Sorry...

    Still coming closer. Soon the Godhead will learn how to play properly so we can see what the enemy is holding in it's hands. Stay tuned.

    Per, the total noob that he is, throws a flash bang to stun the enemy. What a dumbass.

    Dazing your enemy? These must be actual tactics at work.

    Ahh yes. The man has a 3-iron.

    Per is inside a building stunning the last guy before the other guy is even taken care of.

    This guy gets knocked out while the club guy gets killed by another Overwatch. I miss those pics sometimes because they happen so quick.

    So feeble.

    Osiron hackers. These assholes are no joke.

    Storming Cuba is always good for international security.

    Just Another Van.

    The two dogs up top get renamed later.

    This is a picture of a line going towards Cuba. Tee hee.

    Odin: Looks like we are getting some police backup.
    Miroslav: More like they are getting backup from us.

    Odin and Miroslav are joined by Leeroy Jenkins and Slim Jim.

    Miroslav: I see one of the Police.

    Sure is a handy function to learn 10 hours into playing.

    This human looks like the bad panda crew.

    These guys have the best weapons I have seen thus far.

    Obviously Slim Jim is getting a little hungry so he goes to work.

    He didn't last long. The turn ends with the enemy turn bringing about a hail of gunfire of all types. M60, Assault Rifle, Shotgun, other things that go boom...

    You can see the cop killers attempting to assassinate this poor man that apparently missed how to guard properly at the Academy.

    This man is really intent on killing these cops. So much so he ignores the one right behind him.

    These guys are pretty helpful.

    Cop bites it. No Cops Allowed.

    X-COM Boyz in for an assist.

    Tango down!

    But this fucker wakes up so he gets to feel more dog jaws.

    He will not wake up again.

    Cops are dying everywhere.

    Here is one being shot without even knowing where the bullet came from.

    He could be saved assuming someone could get there. Usually you have a turn or three to heal them.

    Someone deploys their RPG killing what I assume was a cop.

    The squad moves in to assess the situation. Where the enemy is coming from is still largely unknown.

    Slim Jim is fearless like all X-COM dogs are.

    This guy actually thinks he can just stand out in the open. Of course since he is the computer he gets away with it.

    This must be where the boom happened.

    The two humans take separate routes to cover more areas.

    The dogs have paired up but are under fire. Pretty sure every dog takes at least a bullet when they do work for me.

    The goons panic.

    This one goes apeshit and unloads all his ammo.

    Little do they know the dogs plotting against them.

    Losing sight they back off a bit. I assume to reload and calm down off their meth high.

    This gives the squad the perfect opportunity to attack.

    Good dog.


    Odin is looking to try that fancy gun out with Miroslav providing cover fire periodically.

    Leeroy is taking on another attacker.

    They didn't know he could attack 5 or 6 times apparently.

    Slim Jim is dealing with another on his end.

    Or rather he dealt with another on his end.

    This dude was so panicked he would not attack. He hunkered down the whole time. so at first I thought he was a civilian.

    These guys had a van and everything.

    Odin finally gets a good shot off with that fancy gun.

    Leeroy runs up the stairs to do a little mop up work.

    This building is blown to hell, so some of the floor is gone.

    Leeroy Leeroys straight into the bad guy.

    They respond...

    ...by firing everywhere. It's hard to see due to the weird way X-COM jumps from turn to turn so fast. Bullets just fly so fire across the screen the cuts are jarring. But the tradeoff would be a slow boring ass fight at half speed. Back to the game!

    Shit continues to burn as the men move in...now safe from window fire.

    This is Leeroy running to attack.

    This is Leeroy running to attack anyone else.

    The last guy surrenders when he sees Odins White Fro. I know it is the most baffling sight.

    Feeble. And I didn't even kill one of the cops myself.

    Both of those dogs deserve dog awards. Whatever the highest award a dog can get, they should get it.

    This is something the scientists came up with. You might mistake these men for common thugs but they are really religious terrorists that want to fuck up the world.

    Top men spent hours in a lab designing this baseball bat. They are good at knocking people out actually.

    You might notice that BlackOps gun. Yes those will be fun.

    This UFO flies around spots I can't reach. This is why South America is mad.

    What are these aliens starting their own mercenary nation state?

    Active Limp Snake Protocol! Snake you are on standby buddy.

    Here is our current research status. We have done a lot of work into researching the various bodies that have come in.

    Just to show you all the good gear we have after that last mission.

    Still working on getting Hass (notpicturedhere) to a respectable rank.

    Apparently we should do a better job in South America. This Terrible rating is most unsettling. The only way to more effectively cover the world is to build a new base. It will be led by a totally new crew. The building will start...immediately.

    I can't think of a better place. Sure we could settle in South America but we need people on this part of the globe.

    $750,000 just for the building. It will be at least 1.5 to get running I bet.

    CORONA R&D will start off as a small research lab but will later expand to a combat role. That will take a long time.

    Here is to hoping I did not make a mistake! Sure I could have put it in South America or Europe but China is was calling to me. Not sure why.

    August. That leaves one month until UFO central...resources will be tight.

    I want some jets. That means scavenging a fucking UFO. I can't wait!

    Another plot thread begins to unravel as a Deep One washes up and into our hands.

    The research comes in. How many aliens are visiting this shithole?

    Last edited: Jun 16, 2020
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  19. TheGM

    TheGM The voice of reason

    Aug 19, 2008

    ...The Autopsy results came back and I say they are most disturbing.

    Indeed. Much more lurks in the shadows, that we do know. but even now, more players are entering the game and that is something we should be careful about.

    But the ramifications of such things being made public would be quite a problem.

    We are aware. X-COM might have stopped whatever the cabal was attempting to do at the ski resort , and yes they are trying to play catch up. but them making moves in the public so brazenly is something we need to guard against. Now Osiron breaching X-COM systems is not something we need right now. they paid the price for such a stupid move, but idiocy returns.

    Should we take up precautions against them?

    Put in place long ago. they, the cabal and the rest of these interlopers are nothing more than children playing with their fathers loaded gun, a danger to all but to especially themselves.
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2020
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  20. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Happy Family Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
    That really is the best possible stinger for this. Good writing although it needs some editing. I enjoy your input. You should try doing one of these.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 1