Post your best joke!

Discussion in 'General Discussion Forum' started by brandonhart61, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. maximaz

    maximaz Sonny, I Watched the Vault Bein' Built!

    Apr 2, 2006
    So this super hot bimbo comes up to two dudes and a mexican in a bar and says "I want it but I want it good so whoever is creative enough to use 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in a sentence, gets a go." So one of the guys says "I like liver and cheese." She's not impressed. Second guy says "Liver and cheese suck". She doesn't like that either. Mexican says "Liver alone cheese mine."
     
  2. Walpknut

    Walpknut This ghoul has seen it all

    Dec 30, 2010
    A horse enters a Bar.

    The Bartender asks him "Why the long face?"

    The horse, being an animal, doesn't understand anybody was even talking to him, gets confused by being in such a crowed place and flips some tables while stumbling around the bar trying to find a way out.
     
  3. The Dutch Ghost

    The Dutch Ghost Grouchy old man of NMA Moderator

    Jan 11, 2004
    Like every other person the pope dies one day, and seconds after passing he ascends towards a bright light.

    As usual Saint Peter is sitting at his post next to the pearly gates when the pope arrives.
    Saint Peter greets the pope and asks him who he is.

    The pope is rather surprised as he would expect Saint Peter of all people to recognize him.
    "Don't you know me Saint Peter, its me, pope Benedictus."

    "Pope Benedictus?" Saint Peter asks puzzling. "Really doesn't ring a bell."

    "The leader of the Catholic church" The pope continues "God's representative on Earth."

    Saint Peter "Leader of the Catholic church, God's representative on Earth? You would think God would inform me of such things."

    Unfortunate for pope Benedictus Saint Peter hasn't got a clue and asks him to wait at the gate while he goes inside to ask God what this is all about.

    So Saint Peter goes to God and tells him about the man at the gate.
    "God, there is a man at the gate who claims to be pope Benedictus, that he was the leader of the Catholic church and that he was your representative back on Earth. Do you have any idea what he is talking about?"

    God scratches his head as he ponders over this but like Saint Peter he has no idea what is going on.
    "I have a representative on Earth? That is a new one for me. Know what Saint Peter, lets ask Jesus, he may know what is going on."

    So God calls for Jesus "Jesus, could you come downstairs? There is a man at the gate that says he is the pope, the leader of the Catholic church and my representative on Earth. Do you know what he means?"

    Jesus also does not know but he tells God and Saint Peter he will talk with this pope, perhaps he can clear things up.

    About twenty minutes later Jesus come back laughing out loud while tears run down his cheeks.
    Immediately Saint Peter asks what so funny.

    Jesus "Peter, do you remember that fishing club I started two thousand years ago? Well apparently it still exists."
     
  4. Evil Banana

    Evil Banana Still Mildly Glowing

    212
    May 1, 2012
    Lol awesome joke...

    so tarzan comes to a bridge across a wide and deep river and starts stretching, and a local comes by and asks him whats he doin

    and tarzan replies: "oh just stretching out, im going to dive into the river"

    the local shakes his head "bad idea theres shells down there.."

    tarzans being cocky saying "i am the king of the jungle i fear no shells"

    the local persists: "you dont want to jump in there theres shells"

    he scoffs him off "bah ill show you" and he dives off the bridge into the river and comes out bloody and bruised

    the local comes up and sais "i told you theres shells down there..old wolksvagens and mercedes and renaults.."
     
  5. maximaz

    maximaz Sonny, I Watched the Vault Bein' Built!

    Apr 2, 2006
    What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken. :|
     
  6. The_Noob

    The_Noob It Wandered In From the Wastes

    130
    May 28, 2012
    What is green and has wheels?

    Grass, I lied about the wheels?

    What's the difference between a dead baby and a turkey?

    I don't eat turkey.
     
  7. Ohaimerk

    Ohaimerk modoc, den, grave Orderite

    Mar 30, 2009
    A magician wakes up and heads into the kitchen to make breakfast. He puts on a pot of coffee and looks in the cabinet to see what he has. Two boxes of cheerios: Plain and Frosted. He can't decide which to have so he pours a little of each into a bowl for a magical mix of awesome delight. He opens the fridge for milk, but no milk there was. No problem, he's a magician. He retrieves his magic wand from its box under the sink, points it at the bowl, and utters a magical phrase. Nothing happens. "FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" he yells, throwing his magic wand in frustration. He puts on his robe and wizards hat and heads to the store in his 1991 Ford Taurus (he's a magician, not a millionare).

    What he didn't know, however, is that inside the magic wand was fairy dust. As it hit the wall after he threw it, it broke open and the fairy dust sprinkled over the cheerios. They sprang to life and their first order of business is to have a party.

    A plain cheerio, socially awkward and slightly neurotic, walks aimlessly around the rim of the bowl. Nobody was talking to him, and he wasn't talking to anyone. Feeling depressed, he decides to jump off the rim of the bowl to break himself in half to end his misery. As he's about to jump he catches sight of the most beautiful cheerio lady he'd ever set his eyes on. He rolled down into the bowl and up to her.

    "Hey there. Care to dance?" he said in his best Sean Connery voice. "Heh, sure, why not?" she replied. As they're dancing he notices that she is a frosted cheerio. The most beautiful frost covering her beautiful cheerio exterior. He's overwhelmed by her beauty and blurts out "I love you" right there in front of everyone.

    "Uhh... Thanks. Why don't you get me a drink?" She says, trying to get rid of him. He leaves to find her a drink. There are several drink tables but they all have queues. But no line is long enough for our hero! He stands in line for beer. After 45 minutes he finally gets to the table to find that there is no beer left. "FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" he yells. He gets in another line, this one for whiskey. After an hour and a half he finally gets to the table. Lo and behold, no more whiskey.

    He gets back over to the woman and explains the situation. "There was no beer?" She asked. "I waited in the beerline for a while. No beer left when I finally got there" he replied. "No whiskey either?" "Nope. Whiskeyline was even longer than the beerline. No more left once I got there" "What about punch? There has to be some punch in this party"

    His reply: "There is no punchline"

    :drummer:
     
  8. mobucks

    mobucks As a goof Orderite

    May 22, 2010
    ahah you ass
    What does a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
    They both suck without CREAM.

    Heard this on the radio the other day:

    One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
    "We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
    "Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
    "But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
    "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
    The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
    "Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
    They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
    The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
     
  9. BFox17

    BFox17 Still Mildly Glowing

    235
    Apr 20, 2012
    Haha! That's hilarious! :D

    *not my joke*

    Samson is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Samson, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Samson, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Samson, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Samson, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Samson , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Samson, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Samson gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Samson, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Samson, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Samson shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Samson says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!”
     
  10. Ox-Skull

    Ox-Skull First time out of the vault
    Modder

    29
    Mar 3, 2012
    What's the difference between a woman and a condom?
    ........
    Nothing. They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

    -

    What happened to the Irish terriost, that went to london to blow up a bus?
    ........
    He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

    -

    What's green and smells of pork?
    ........
    Kermit the frogs finger.

    -

    Why'd the baby cross the road?
    ........
    Because it was nailed to the chicken.

    -
     
  11. TucoX

    TucoX First time out of the vault

    50
    Aug 30, 2011
    A male horse is smoking in a corn field and accidently sets corn on fire, then popcorn starts flying around him everywhere, horse thinks it is snowing and then freezes to death.
     
  12. For NCR

    For NCR It Wandered In From the Wastes

    138
    May 1, 2012
    Nickle and Copper were having a drink.
    Gold shows up and says "Hey guys!"
    Nickle and Copper then screams out "GET OUT OF OUR BAR!

    If you know the periodic table of elements, you'll get this.
     
  13. Joba Tett

    Joba Tett First time out of the vault

    77
    May 22, 2012
    LOL :clap: :lol:
     
  14. BFox17

    BFox17 Still Mildly Glowing

    235
    Apr 20, 2012
    I have one for you, what is H204? (that is, H with a little 2 next to it and O with a little 4 next to it)
     
  15. maximaz

    maximaz Sonny, I Watched the Vault Bein' Built!

    Apr 2, 2006
    I think its time to bring back the chemistry cat

    [spoiler:36a1029658] [/spoiler:36a1029658]
     
  16. BiGoDeViN

    BiGoDeViN First time out of the vault

    8
    Jun 12, 2012
    Guy 1: "Hey bro, do you ever think those sensor things on the urinals are cameras? And the Government is trying to take pictures of all the dicks in the world and have some sort of super dick database?

    Guy 2: "If they wanted pictures of all the dicks in the world, why didn't they just put the camera in your mouth?"
     
  17. BFox17

    BFox17 Still Mildly Glowing

    235
    Apr 20, 2012
    What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
    Nothing.
     
  18. Wry

    Wry It Wandered In From the Wastes

    121
    Mar 13, 2012
    What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of sand?

    You can unload one of them with a pitchfork.
     
  19. TucoX

    TucoX First time out of the vault

    50
    Aug 30, 2011
    why does the dog wiggle the tail?
    because the tail cant wiggle the dog.
     
  20. Xaxus

    Xaxus First time out of the vault

    2
    Jun 27, 2012
    A kleptomaniac goes to see a doctor.
    He says "Doc, man, you gotta help me out, I'm a kelpto!"
    Doctor says: "Alright, just take a seat."