The New Colossus Order’s Old Blood, or Arthur Reviews Rebooted Wolfenstein

Discussion in 'General Gaming and Hardware Forum' started by KingArthur, Dec 20, 2020.

  1. KingArthur

    KingArthur Legionary Shitposter

    Jun 25, 2018
    As I stated in that thread about how we’re coping with the Holocoof, I’ve been replaying one of my favorite series, from Wolf 3D up to New Colossus.

    Now, I could theoretically review “classic” Wolfenstein, Wolf 2009, and RtCW, but I’m gonna focus on the 3 rebooted titles for the sake of this boredom-induced project.

    It’s also important to note that I’m not going to go into too much detail, in the interest of not spoiling the story.

    If people like it for some godforsaken reason, then I’ll do more. If not, well, that’s more free time for me. Between classes and other writing projects and my in-progress Googly Doom let’s play for this site, I’ve got a lot going on. Basically what I’m saying is don’t expect a lot of reviews in rapid succession, if you even care.


    Chronologically, the first reboot title is The Old Blood. And it is there that we begin.

    Wolfenstein: The Old Blood

    The gist of the story is that in 1946, the Nazis are winning WWII, and the Western Allies are becoming desperate. To that end, they send OSA agents William Blazkowicz and Wesley to infiltrate Castle Wolfenstein and steal the location of General Wilhelm “Totenkopf” Strasse’s compound from high ranking member of the SS Paranormal Division, Helga Von Schabbs.

    Long story short BJ and Wesley absolutely cock it up and now BJ has to 1) escape Castle Wolfenstein and 2) do his original fucking job, but correctly this time.

    The game is divided into two sections; “Rudi Jaeger and the Den of Wolves” (which deals with escaping the Castle) and “The Dark Secret of Helga Von Schabbs” (BJ trying to not suck at being a secret agent the second time around). Frankly, I enjoy the story being split; makes it feel like a double feature or some shit. And come to think of it? The entire game OOZES B movie. But we’ll get into that.

    Gameplay is the same as TNO, which came out first; shoot, do basic puzzles, lean around corners to shoot Nazis, etc. The main difference between the two I’ll get into when I talk about TNO, but the main idea is that Old Blood feels more like classic Wolfenstein 3D and Spear of Destiny. One main difference, however, is the pipe (forerunner to TNC’s hatchet). Open grates, climb certain types of stone walls, and bludgeon the fuck out of Nazis in melee with a section of lead pipe that BJ occasionally unscrews into TWO SECTIONS OF LEAD PIPE! Owaolwooaoaoaoa!

    Sarcasm aside, finding hidden gold and lore materials through wall climbing is a somewhat unique idea, but it’s also not such a focus that it becomes overdone; MachineGames knew their limits when it came to using the lead pipe in-game, and that shows.

    Overall, the only real complaint is the reuse of a trope from TNO (I’ll get into that in TNO section), and the final boss; avoid his hands and hit him in the interim, like that Kirby boss from Superstar (if any fellow SNES players are here).

    Verdict is 8/10. Not as good as TNO, but that’s honestly a taste thing and you may like it more. I still recommend it.

    Wolfenstein: The New Order

    Chronologically the second but the first by release date, TNO begins with an assault on Totenkopf’s compound immediately following the events of Old Blood.

    Like everything BJ does he fucks the mission up and the Nazis win WWII.

    Fuckin Texans.

    Jokes aside, BJ gets severely injured and sent to a mental institution with brain damage, where he falls in love with a nurse while comatose, and later awakes to begin a war on the Nazis along with the remainder of the Kreisau Circle.

    In terms of gameplay, it’s less action-oriented than Old Blood; it’s more like a war drama than anything. But as a war drama, it’s great. That trope I mentioned from Old Blood? It makes its first appearance here, and if TNO is the first one you play, it’s NERVE WRACKING AS FUCK. All I’ll say is that you’re on a train, being toyed with. There’s also a heart rending trip to a concentration camp, yet that feels as though it could have been expanded on; it feels like BJ has more monologues to make, more to say, but the entire section lasts maybe 45 minutes.

    While we’re on the topic of things TNO did that I actually didn’t enjoy as much or felt were weird, Da’at Yi’chud.

    There’s an actual Jewish Conspiracy.

    With next-level technology.

    In WWII.

    Doesn’t that make the Nazis... right...? Doesn’t the existence of Set (a main character) and Da’at Yi’chud almost make the Nazis justified? The assumptions that the existence of this group calls into question almost undermine the entire game should you think too hard about them.

    But in the end, minor shit like that doesn’t REALLY unravel the game. TNO is still fantastic, and the best of the 3.


    Wolfenstein: The New Colossus

    Oh, good lord.

    I don’t even know how to BEGIN on how downhill this game is. Let’s start with the fucking plot, I suppose.

    After TNO and the attack on Totenkopf’s compound, BJ and the Kreisau Circle must take care of Frau Irene Engel, the next Nazi “big bad”. To do so, he must contact the American Resistance, crawl through irradiated Manhattan, go to Venus, and... commit murder on national television.

    So, let’s start with a list of shit I didn’t like, and a paragraph explaining what I did.

    1) Most characters are just caricatures. Look at the resistance leader: SASSY BLACK MOMMA GON KILL SUM NASSIES SLAAAAYYYY QUEEEEN! She felt like a Black Panther stereotype more than an organic character; same for most of the cast.

    2) MAJOR inconsistencies. Prime example: killing Bubi at the end of TNO seemingly breaks Frau Engel’s mind; why does she not care in New Colossus? OR EVEN MENTION IT?!

    3) Forced comedy and slapstick that breaks the entire tone. The only scene I genuinely laughed at was the KKK members trying to speak German to the Nazi patrolman. (“VHAT AH YOU DOING TO MEIN BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE?!!”)

    4) Subplots that go nowhere at all (basically all of them).

    5) Stupid gameplay shit, like how everyone but BJ is a bullet sponge. Why is there no level select or NG+? Why does the game take my armor after certain missions just to nerf me for story purposes? Etc.

    In the end, I enjoyed a lot of it; Venus and Hitler, riding the Kampfhund, BJ’s pre-execution hallucination killing rampage, his childhood, etc. But the whole isn’t the sum of the good parts, and for every memorable section there’s 6 bad ones.

    If you were to theoretically not play any of the 3, make it New Colossus. Weapon mods, slick shooting, brutal takedowns, a handful of good scenes, some awesome twists, and LE HATCHET don’t redeem a severely inferior game.


    And that’s it. No, I will not replay Youngblood. No, I will not review it. No, I will not even THINK about Youngblood. Anyways, those are 3 reviews with a minimum of spoiliops. Hope you enjoyed.

    If you didn’t, that’s ok too.

    Fuck yourselves <3
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 3
  2. CT Phipps

    CT Phipps Venerable Relic of the Wastes

    Sep 17, 2016
    I think that requires the audience to be predisposed to believing the Nazis worldview and having an immensely cynical view. The Da'at Yi'chud being a bunch of benevolent scientists and philosophers who are covertly helping humanity in the name of God. It pretty much makes them the Jedi rather than the Illuminati. That could be offensive, yes, and certainly is but it also inverts Nazi propaganda.

    1. The Nazis can't actually make any super science themselves because the Nazis are a bunch of theives and pathetic.
    2. The people they call inferior do have a bunch of science wizards.
    3. For once, the Star Trek-esque, "Prime Directive" makes sense because there's no time in human history that these science wizards sharing their magic would not fuck over the Jewish people.
    4. The fact that they're good guys, again, shows the Nazis are pathetic manbabies.

    I'd probably more iffy on it if not for the fact that Wolfenstein has had dozens of secret societies by Christians, Nazis, Germans, and Atlanteans in previous games.

    She runs a death camp. I'm pretty sure she's incapable of caring for anyone.
  3. Aurelius Of Phoenix

    Aurelius Of Phoenix Psued.

    Mar 9, 2018
    Everything except for New Colossus, Youngblood, and 2009 are worth playing.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 2
  4. KingArthur

    KingArthur Legionary Shitposter

    Jun 25, 2018
    @CT Phipps the way she responds to killing Bubi would imply otherwise. She shuffles away, shaking and gasping involuntarily.
  5. CT Phipps

    CT Phipps Venerable Relic of the Wastes

    Sep 17, 2016
    Well he was her boytoy but I figure it's something she'll shake off.
  6. KingArthur

    KingArthur Legionary Shitposter

    Jun 25, 2018
    I guess, but again, her actual reaction points to her having more feelings than absolutely none, based solely upon the evidence of “oh well she runs a labor camp”. Non sequitur, it does not follow that JUST because she runs a labor camp she’s literally without feelings for ANYONE.

    EDIT: It means she’s evil, yes. But that’s all it means.

    Just thought I’d add that before someone does the expected YOU MUST BE DEFENDING A NAZI!!!1! retarded bullshit.
  7. Aurelius Of Phoenix

    Aurelius Of Phoenix Psued.

    Mar 9, 2018
    TFW no MechaHitler, what a bunch of fucking hacks.
  8. KingArthur

    KingArthur Legionary Shitposter

    Jun 25, 2018
    You can stomp on him in NC. Too bad that doesn’t redeem how awful that game is.
  9. TheGM

    TheGM The voice of reason

    Aug 19, 2008
    GAWD New Colossus annoyed the shit out of me. Within seconds of meeting Strong Independent Black Woman I wanted to drop her down that elevator shaft. You're right about the caricatures since that one comes right out of a 1970's blaxplotation movie. so it makes her a time traveler too.

    I'm gonna be super fucking nit picky with this one but I need more than the Nazis just won when it comes to the Nazis winning. Ok I get that they have super majik Jew Tech fine, but where did they get the materials to build all that crap? What events transpired to prevent the Allies from Atom Bombing the fucking nazis? How does one remove the fact that in a prolonged european front the Allies where just going to atomic carpet bomb the germans with B36 Peacemakers. Where the fuck did the Allied Atomic program even go, I don't even think they get hand waved away.

    Why the fuck are the Klan around? They've were defunct for over a decade before WW2 even started and I'm sure the things that lead to their resurgence wouldn't have happened in this time line. This might surprise some people but the Klan don't really care for lot of European cultures, not big fans of Italians, Spaniards, Greeks, Luxembourgians and even Germans. If isn't Anglo-Saxon it is undermining America. also it seems the swedes who made this think Arizona is also Alabama.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 2
  10. KingArthur

    KingArthur Legionary Shitposter

    Jun 25, 2018
    Yeah. It’s annoying that so many companies seem incapable of doing “strong female character” without it becoming “obnoxious bitchy cunt”.

    It’s at this point that I mention Anya; she’s strong, but likable. Her having kids on the way doesn’t detract from that; if anything, it makes her stronger, because it gives her a reason to fight, and more backstory than “Y’ALL WHITEYS IS DEMONS”.

    I know MachineGames can make a good woman character, THEY DID SO, but they settled on Malcolm X stereotype for Grace and it annoys and baffles me.
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 2
  11. TheGM

    TheGM The voice of reason

    Aug 19, 2008
    Not to mention the promo she's cuts on BJ about fucking BALLS! what the fuck is this stupid shit. 3 minutes spent on how Balls are sensitive and are a silly measurement of toughness. what hack fraud wrote that shit?
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 2
  12. KingArthur

    KingArthur Legionary Shitposter

    Jun 25, 2018
    Betty White. She once made a comment about how balls aren’t tough, but vaginas can take a pounding.

    The difference is that Betty White was making a joke, a genuinely funny observation. The dialogue in TNC is played straight-faced and serious.


    Why in the goddamn were Fergus and Wyatt set up with these heart-crushing story arcs in TNO, only to have TNC shit on that and play Wyatt’s drug addiction and Fergus’ prosthetic arm for laughs? What’s the point of any of that? It literally only detracts from the characters to denigrate them to “clearly forced comedy relief”.
  13. TorontoReign

    TorontoReign Level 27 Wizard Staff Member Moderator

    Apr 1, 2005
  14. RangerBoo

    RangerBoo Resident crazy lady

    Jun 15, 2015
    Not only that but the Klan hated Catholics. At lot of their hatred for many Europeans other then Anglo-Saxons was because many Europeans were of the Catholic or Orthodox faith and not the Protestant faith.
    Swedish soyboys and radical feminists with a chip on their shoulder to whoever has a penis that's who.
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2020
    • [Rad] [Rad] x 2
  15. Hassknecht

    Hassknecht For hate's sake. Staff Member Admin Orderite

    Aug 16, 2010
    Fair enough, although I'd argue it takes away a bit from the menace of the Nazis and the theme of the game. Before the magic of jewnology was introduced, it was just Nazis as the embodiment of ruthless use of science and technology for evil. Genius technology, but completely without ethics to the point that they'd delve into the occult, and only the grit and determination of a red-blooded american HUMAN can defeat it.
    But now? It's more like the Nazis can't actually get shit done, they're only where they are because they stole jewish magic technology, and they can only be defeated with more original jewish magic technology.
    That's ok-ish, but in terms of stakes it's just kinda lame. It's not BJ's grit and determination that can defeat the Nazis, it's more BJ's recovery of ancient jewish science artifacts can defeat other misused ancient science artifacts.
    Secret, ancient societies and stuff were always part of Wolfenstein, but the common thing was always that they were really good with technology because they were ruthless and had no morals, which, in their lust for more power, often led them to the occult, and merging their own technology with supernatural stuff. "It was ancient Jews all along" just takes away from the menace.
  16. Aurelius Of Phoenix

    Aurelius Of Phoenix Psued.

    Mar 9, 2018
    Where are the Mequbbāl jewish super soldiers? That would actually be pretty cool.

    I feel the New Colossus didn't really have any good villians, I mean their was that cunt who we supposedly killed back in the prison but they didn't really introduce a serious opponent. Even Uncle Addie was rendered into a geriatric instead of in his Mecha Hitler glory.