X-COM Files: No Aliens Allowed - Let's Play

[TorontoReign]

The year is 1997. In our timeline 1997 was a great year. That year Fallout was released later spawning No Mutants Allowed which is this little niche place you might have heard of. But not in the world of X-Com Files. Here Fallout never existed therefore NMA never existed. In this doomed timeline your fellow NMA members live entirely different lives. Some of them born years before they should be because Science! I decided not to do Iron Man because I want the LP to last as long as I can while also showing off all the new things the mod has to offer. This first entry will be kind of a Prologue. Enjoy.

PROLOGUE

We find ourselves hovering over the Geoscape which will be our friend for the remainder of the game.

Area 55. Way more secret than Area 51 or 52. X-Com operates alone so we can expect no government assistance aside from the big checks at the end of the month. Good to see these guys are dedicated to stopping the aliens. OR ARE THEY?

One thing you should know right off the bat is X-Com starts off with no Interceptors in this mod. You are essentially Mulder and Scully in a rental car in the beginning.

Mulder.

Scully.

Plus this weird Illegal Immigrant Muppet Guy and his Australian Wombat Catcher. The team consults the Godhead so that they know what to do next.

Basic Operations seems like a no brainer. It doesn't get much more basic than that. I think I was recently called a basic bitch by a 17 year old thinking on it. Moving along.

Ahh yes. All the world has to offer. Thankfully X-Com Files takes place a little bit before aliens are flying around every month. Giygas is going to have to be patient.

Hassknecht: Listen up! You guys have been slacking during PT so you are all going to do training while Toront and I are on Patrol Duty.

Walpknut: We don't do PT.

Hassknecht: Get out of the car.

Toront: I have a feeling we are going to be doing a lot of these. Something to do with randomly generated missions.

Hassknecht: You forgot your meds again.

Toront: Right. *swallows horse pill*

On the plane to Cuba

Hassknecht: I still feel like they should have given us more guns. They did say dozens of giant man apes raped a village of over 1,000 people to death.

Toront: Yeah but the natural progression of video games entails earning those weapons over a long period of time. The pills?

Hassknecht: Yes.

Hass and Toront finally land in Cuba where they take a rental car to the site of the Mass Man Ape Rape Rampage as it was reported in the news.

Toront: Hass what the fuck happened to your face? You look like one of those German weightlifters with the big handlebar mustache.

Hassknecht: I've always looked like this.

Toront: I just lucked out I guess. Damn I look good.

Hassknecht: *grumbles*

*Man Apes screaming*

Hassknecht: Ok we just need to grab one of them. No need to get raped by t-

Toront:

Spoiler

Fire and a miss.

The Man Ape approaches with erect penis dangling to the ground.

Hassknecht: I think it likes you.

Toront: This is no...time to...

The Man Ape gropes Toront until he manages to get a shot off.

Point blank the Man Ape loses his dangling member.

Hass moves for an assist while hordes of Man Apes move off screen.

The Man Ape is stunned by the combined attack.

The Man Ape now near death decides maybe he should have waited for backup.

So he gets shot in the back of the head.

Toront: That Ape fucked me up. You are going to have to carry him.

Hassknecht: At least he didn't fuck you.

Bloody Man Ape.

Toront: Shit another one. Let's get the hell out of here.

Hassknecht: One step ahead of you.

So Hass and Toront make it out alive with a giant bloody corpse as a reward. That's X-Com baby!

Not the best first mission but I have seen worse.

Hassknecht: Maybe I should let them grope me next time.


MORE TO COME SOON!

 

[TheGM]

Dis gon be good.

 

[Hassknecht]

Absolutely nothing can go wrong whatsoever.

 

[TorontoReign]

I'll leave out the part about the practice run where we both died.

 

[Hassknecht]

NOTHING.
WENT.
WRONG.

 

[Atomic Postman]

I'd like to go out much in the same way as an extra from the D-Day scene in Saving Private Ryan, throwing up and then immediately having my brains blown out of my skull before I step off the dropship.

 

[TorontoReign]

You might get your wish.

 

[TorontoReign]

Spoiler

CHAPTER 1

America. Land of the...Americans. Little do they know the insidious agenda that X-COM is poorly trained to stop. Like those pesky crop circles.

Hassknecht: Hey! Walpknut...the Godhead told me to tell you to get your shit ready for a mission.

Walpknut: About time.

Hassknecht: I am sending TOM with you on this one.

Walpknut: Sure why not?

Walpknut: Why did we name our rental car anyway?

TOM: It's for luck.

TOM: Too bad it's not something more exciting. Most of these are bogus.

Walpknut: Either way intel said the people were acting weird so be careful...

Apparently twins?

Don't ask me why the headlights don't work. They said balance I say retardation.

TOM: Glad we didn't forget the flashlights. That would be a real dumbass thing to do.

Walpnut thinks about the training mission where he forgot the flashlights.

Walpknut: Yeah...dumbass. *kicks rock*

Children of the Corn eat your heart out.

Walpknut: There appears to be some alien material here. This is no hoax. Eyes sharp TOM!

The Agents question the owner of the farm, but he is uncooperative, refusing to leave the home. Talking gibberish about the Constitution and Bill of Rights...

TOM: Sir if you do not come with us we will have to force you to comply.

Old man: No Nazi thugs are gunna take me off my...

Walpknut: Stop resisting!

TOM: He's trying to get away! Knock him out!

Walpknut: We better get him back to Area 55 before anyone notices.

He looks beat to shit but he is alive.

A successful mission.

TOM: That was a pretty good assignment huh?

Walpknut: Well something just feels wrong about it.

TOM: Like what?

Walpknut: Like the fact that we just beat the shit out of some old man and stuffed him in our trunk for 300 miles.

TOM: Oh yeah that. *turns on radio*

Here is our current roster. Toront is wounded due to Man Ape Rape. Hassknecht is bitter due to being skipped for promotion.

Spoiler

I could make a clever Army joke about it being due to his MOS but nobody would get it.

Finally we can research something interesting.

This appears to be one of Walpknut's Sex Robots. She has important intel from time to time from doing robot work.

Here is when I started to really enjoy the mod. Aside from the obvious dogs (later you can train giant rats) you can train in Undercover skills like Sportsman there. In missions where you have your Suit (unlocked later) you can go undercover to lurk among the cultists and do whatever your mission might be. Cool stuff.

Just so you see some of the early options. I went for dogs. Then I decided to buy another rental car.

ECTO-ONE it shall be named! Since we are doing base maintenance I ordered some equipment.

Handcuffs are useful when monsters or people are knocked out but they get back up. A Colt 45 is good for blowing large holes in things. After doing some tidying up the stragglers are looking to get their shots in. Now they have their chance.

Risewild is busy tending to his pet wombat (that he loves very much) when Alpha Promethean buzzes.

Risewild: Come in. Say what do I call you?

Alpha Promethean: AP will do. I figured we would touch base before the mission.

Risewild: What mission?

AP: They didn't tell you yet? Well I was there when it got called in.

Risewild: Where we heading?

AP: Canada.

***

Risewild: Ok they want us to take one of these cult loonies in for questioning.

Risewild: Remember. We need him alive.

AP: Got it! Do we need the pitchfork?

Risewild: I hope not.

They arrive at the scene.

Risewild and AP move to get in close when a man pops out of the shadows and shoots. This triggers Overwatch and the rest is history.

Risewild: You did hear me say alive right?

AP: *sulks*

Spoiler

MORE SOON

 

[Risewild]

This is great. Keep them coming.

*Goes back to tend his pet wombat*

 

[Deleted member 53669]

Howd i miss this fuck.

 

[Deleted member 116891]

Fantastic. I survived my first mention, which I was preparing not to do. Hope I take as many with me as I can when it happens.

 

[Risewild]

Fantastic. I survived my first mention, which I was preparing not to do. Hope I take as many with me as I can when it happens.

Let's just hope you won't go down against a tribe of giant men apes. That would be ugly, dirty and messy.

 

[Atomic Postman]

Kill first, question later.

 

[TheGM]

. . .That is when the Agents returned fire.

And what of Mr.Hostetler?

Dead, sir.

I see. . .

I will be monitoring the investigation from now on.

 

[Deleted member 53669]

Spoiler

It was Hass all along.

 

[SquidWard]

I’m definitely happy being a vehicle. Maybe that was my calling all along

 

[TorontoReign]

Spoiler

CHAPTER 2

Since last time a good deal of equipment and research has been acquired.

Squadcar receives flares for safety in case they pop a tire or something. They won't normally be used much due to flashlights also being throwable.

We did get approval to use attack dogs which will make our mission much easier. They don't really level up like normal humans, but the trade on that is they are fast and can bite like a motherfucker.

Hassknecht: Hey scientist what is the word on that abducted farmer that was brought in?

Scientist: We are still looking into it.

Hassknecht: You scientists better get your shit together. You are holding up actual work in the field.

Scientist: Aren't you a scientist?

Hassknecht: You kidding? I work for a living! *resumes playing cards while waiting for a mission*

The big holdup is the fact that I have 5 scientists I can't use due to me needing another X-COM building in my base. It's either that or spend a million bucks and some change trying to build another base, but it's way too soon for that. So scientists are playing with their dicks a lot probably designing boner pills in their spare time.

Plus we are going to need combat gear for our dogs to make them truly effective.

Along with some actual dogs.

Apparently the farmer didn't know much of anything. Big shock there.

The local forum doctor tries to help, but the Godhead is not relieved.

Time to put some research into Logistics. This should help to improve our range at the very least. Now time for a Mission! Since I forgot to play musical chairs with the car, Risewild and AP will be our victims, I mean, our fearless heroes.

Intel reports that these secret cults are everywhere. The latest one is in Brazil. That is where Risewild and AP are heading now.

Risewild: Ok. Remember what happened last time.

AP: They are coming in alive!

Risewild: Right! Go SQUADCAR!

AP: This guy sounds like trouble.

Risewild: We are trouble.

AP: Badass. I like that.

Risewild: Thanks. Game face.

AP: *straightens up*

Downside to the flashlight is you can't hold it and use the shotgun at the same time. I assume I will get a mount later. Dropping the flashlight works.

Flashlights out. Nothing in sight yet. Corner of the map is always a good starter spot. I consider it a good omen.

AP spots a dirtbag in the shadows.

AP: Don't move dirtbag!

Dirtbag: I live here!

The Dirtbag opens fire causing the two Agents to take cover.

Risewild: I brought the first aid kit.

AP: Thanks that should help when we get shot while sitting here talking.

Both sides exchange bullets.

Then a local citizen gets involved killing the suspect.

AP: At least I didn't do it.

X-COM is growing but those dog names won't do.

The first of the Dog Force Trials.

Every dog needs Dog Battle Gear to fight in this dogs army.

Logistics is finally panning out.

Now we can pull up in rental vans and kidnap you before you can even tweet about it. Freedom!

So we have two rental cars and a serial killer van. The van needs a name I think.

Probably the most obvious choice.

Finally a UFO. It lands nearby and I make the first critical mistake in the early game.

Why oh why did I not send the van?

Hassknecht: Ok let's try to catch one alive. What did you say your name was again?

Millim: Millim. They said your last partner was hurt pretty bad.

Hassknecht: Not to worry that was a Man Ape these here are supposed to be Aliens.

Millim: Why should that be any better?

Hassknecht: It shouldn't really just thought it might help.

Millim: Oh.

Signs indicate it is in that direction.

That is sign that sanity points will be lost.

Hassknecht: There it is. Keep a look out.

They didn't need to wait long.

Shots fired.

The blue marks are alien splooge droplets.

Struggling to hit this thing from far away makes you wish for a sniper rifle.

Another hops out of the UFO and darts away. It is around this point I realize how outgunned we are. At some point Hass takes damage.

Millim: I got just the thing.

Meanwhile the bastards are in the building next to us too.

Millim goes through the building to cut them off while Hass recovers outside when something explodes and catches everything on fire killing one of the aliens.

Millim: Bail?
Hassknecht: Bail.

I decide to run instead of lose two good men. I was so annoyed I didn't even save the mission results. I'm curious myself.

End of January is looking like this.

Addendum

Risewild: Look I specifically requested this mission. You are coming.

AP: Fine but I just know I am going to jinx it.

Risewild: Why cattle? Why not something else?

AP: The world will never know.

Nice night for a live capture.

The map helps us get our bearings.

Risewild: I'm not sure if this is a sexual thing or not but it's weird.

AP: I'll knock.

*knocks on door*

A shuffle can be heard in the house as someone approaches the door and opens it.

Redneck swings with his pitchfork as soon as he pops in view. AP swings as well.

Risewild: Nice.

AP: I never thought kidnapping someone would feel so rewarding.

 

[Risewild]

Nice, another successful mission.

And now with more dogs around. They're not wombats, but I guess you can't have everything right at the start.

 

[TorontoReign]

I think we might count on some combat rats assuming we catch them instead of kill them.

 

[TorontoReign]

Spoiler

CHAPTER 3

February is here and X-COM still has some learning to do. Recent fuck ups led to the Godhead Retraining some of the Agents. You don't want to know what "Retraining" means. Then a tasty report comes in.

Toront is in his bunk sleeping when the buzzer goes off.

Godhead: W A K E U P.

Toront: Oh! Sir...I mean my lady...I mean...your honor...did another one come in?

Godhead: You are going to really fuck this mission up.

Toront: What? No. I got plenty of sleep and everything.

Godhead: I foresee failure. Details uncertain. Good luck.

Toront: Gee thanks. To the Mystery Machine!

The other Agents are at the Mystery Machine by the time Toront gets there.

Toront: Lets head out. Hey you! New guy.

Gus: Yes sir!

Toront: Just remember your training and everything will be fine.

Gus: Yes sir!

They drive to the frozen wasteland of Colorado to look into the recent attacks. The Mystery Machine approaches the scene of the last attack.

Gus: Sir I'm not sure I have ammo for these guns.

Toront: Thankfully you brought that knife huh?

Gus: Haha. But really we have some bullets right?

Walpknut: Who packed the gear?

Toront: ...

Squat: Ruh-roh.

Toront: Look I'm sorry. I didn't know they dumped all the ammo from last mission.

Walpknut: Shouldn't you know that?

Toront: Look lets make the best of it.

A survey of the snowy landscape.

Toront: What are those Yeti?

Walpknut: God I hate you for not bringing some shotguns.

Toront: *You are really going to fuck this mission up.*

-1 Sanity points

Gus panics throwing a grenade with the longest delay ever.

One of the dozen or so Yeti bastards.

Toront: Take them down! There are too many of them to worry about capturing.

Small arms fire protocol engaged.

Squat moves in for the kill.

While the men provide cover fire.

A brief flutter of hope as one Yeti breaks rank to flee.

Not for long as more scramble into view just feet away.

Meanwhile Squat is taking down his target.

The men each have targets in their sights. The grenade has still not went off.

Now Squat is offering an assist.

While more Yeti burst from the Fog of War with the speed of...something real fast. I mean these things are relentless. Other mobs will kinda play cat and mouse. These don't do that.

Yeti have a tough time against dogs though. Might as well go ALL DOG.

Squat offers Gus some support due to oncoming Yeti. It's looking tense.

Meanwhile the grenade can be seen serving no purpose whatsoever in the battle.

What is this? Move towards the grenade!

The Mystery Machine Team bunch together as a last stand.

But even more Yeti move in. This is when Toront's asshole tightens up real tight. Each man (and doge) pick out a target.

Squat and Toront fend off one from one side.

While Gus and Walpknut prepare for next turn. Either the Yeti will die from Overwatch or someone will get hit.

Gus gets hit and dies instantly.

Walpknut: GUSSSSSSS!

Walpknut fires and the Yeti runs around the side of the van.

Even more Yeti can be heard rampaging and killing the few civilians on the map.

Toront shoots a stun gun at the Yeti in a frantic effort to gain something from the mission after losing a fucking Agent due to neglect.

One down with Squat providing much needed defense. Off in the distance you can hear a grenade explode to no effect.

Everyone now out of ammo entirely with no good way (or reason) to carry on, I choose to tuck tail and run.

Walpknut: The Godhead is so going to Retrain you later.

Toront: This is fine. *rocks back and forth*

Squat: He never even got a kill.

Toront: You can talk?

Squat: I mean whoof whoof.