Few things get on my nerves as unruly food and or treasonous kitchen equipment
Of all the things that have made me flip my fucking lid in life, rude and disrespectful food are at the top
Like, I have this wooden spatula thing, it's the fucking worst, it does NOTHING, I try to flip a steak with it, it will NOT obey, it'll just push shit back and forth in the pan, I have to put the goddamn thing down, go into the drawer, get a fork, stab the steak, lift it IN to the AIR like fucking newborn Simba, TURN IT WITH MY HANDS, and put it back down in the pan
FUCK YOU USELESS WOODEN SPATULA YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE AND I FUCKED HER IN THE FACE!!!
There are many more manifestations of this, many ways food will try to make me look bad
Just today a fried portebello WOULD NOT let my fork stab it! It kept bouncing off the fork, too smooth, I tried and I tried, it finally bounced off my plate, onto the couch - still carrying enough energy to bounce up and down and onto the floor rug - STILL retaining energy, it rolled over the floor, gathered as much dust as it could, and stopped against the fucking wall!
I picked it up. I carried it to the garbage, and I fucking tossed it. Piece of shit mushroom. Happy now? Now you're WASTED! Enjoyed by NOONE! AS YOU GODDAMN DESERVE!!!
Ginger ale bottles are also continous repeat offenders. I like ginger ale. I'll sometimes purchase a bottle to sip on, but for some reason, the cork is always really sugary underneath, Idunno why, it's as if the bottling process creates more splash than in other sodas, so the fucking cork is always sugar-glued to the bottle! I will twist and twist and my hands will turn red, to the point of skin ripping from my hand, and the cork will STAY the FUCK on!
On one occasion I got so desperate, I tried to cut the bottle itself. Knives wouldn't do the trick, so I finally got a saw, and sawed the bottle up. I drank that ginger ale like the blood from the heart of an enemy kill. It both sated and nourished me.
I should get rid of that wooden spatula probably
