Just because you're not quick to express emotion doesn't mean you'll never find love, or can't love. Even sociopaths can feel love (granted, it's a kind of sick love, but still). It's scientifically proven that the feeling we call "love" is hardwired into all of us. So I really wouldn't worry about that man. But like I said, you have to leave your comfort zone (and believe me, I know how hard that can be) which could be your room, house, or whatever, and put yourself out there.
Mental instability is not something people are usually looking for when they search for a potential partner or mate. This has nothing to do with a comfort zone. I can not explain it really, but I am getting physically and mentally tired when I have to much contact with people. This is not something that I want you know.
Also, sorry that hear that you had such trouble in your life.
Yeah, people aren't looking for an alcoholic ex-dope addict either bro. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to find love though.
When you find someone, they'll love you for who you are. Just don't tell them about the things that are wrong with you right away. I never run up to women and say, "By the way, I need to drink liquor everyday to avoid withdrawal symptoms, and I used to be addicted to pain killers and go to a methadone clinic now! Wanna go out?"
Let me tell you a little story. This might be long depending on how lazy I'm feeling at the moment, so bear with me.
When I was in high school, at the age of 15 years old I met a girl name Kate (I called her Katie). She was the only person I ever knew to be perfect, on the outside and inside. She had beautiful below shoulder-length red hair, pale white skin with beautiful complextion, a perfect thin body size (she weighs like 105 I think, and is 5'8). She had perfect bone structure, with beautiful wide crystal blue eyes. For the first several months of the school year I never even talked to her. Until eventually, in my English class we we're partnered up for an assignment by the teacher. We started working together really well, and eventually started having conversations outside the assignment about life in general. We immediately hit it off. Afterward we sat next to eachother in class, and were always spending time together. Well, eventually we decided to take things a bit further and go into a relationship. Before I continue, let me tell you a bit about Katie.
She grew up on a ranch with her mother, was never a big city girl. She moved to Albuquerque at 15 because she wanted to go to college and pursue a life/career outside of ranch life, so she moved in with her Aunt here in Albuquerque. Her ranch was more toward the city of Taos and Red River, beautiful, beautiful land up there. She was a great person. Always helping, always caring. She almost never cussed/cursed, and for her to do so she would have to be mad as hell (still didn't say things like fuck). Wasn't very religious, agnostic like me but still believed in a higher power. She didn't drink, didn't smoke, and didn't do drugs, in fact she was heavily against all of those. She had a long list of morals, which I loved about her. She was (probably still is) a virgin, and refused to have sex until marriage, which being in love with her, I had no problem with. Like I said, she was perfect.
Anyways... after we had got into a relationship, I began to fall for her. About six months into the relationship (we were now 16 at the time), I tell her I think I love her. She's overjoyed. She said she felt the same way, but wasn't sure if she should tell me out of fear that she might lose me. So we start to get extremely close. Not a moment passes that we aren't either together or at least talking through text or through the internet. She didn't like Facebook (just like me), thought it was a waste of time and stupid. Anyways, about a month after we professed love for eachother, I proposed. I didn't have a ring at the time, probably because I was fucking 16 years old and my job didn't pay me shit (like 250 bucks every two weeks, which most of it went to doing things for her, or helping my dad pay the bills). Either way, she accepted. She said she didn't want some big fancy ring. So I say, "Well, what did you have in mind?" She tells me about an old tradition, where the woman uses a silver band and the man uses a gold band to represent their marriage, no diamonds, just a simple band. I agreed but still wanted to spoil her anyways, so I picked out two rings, one silver, one gold, each one 99.9% silver/gold, a thousand dollars each and started to make payments on them. We talked about a wedding date, and decided that the perfect date would be after we both graduated (which was at 17 for us, in a year). So, month's pass by and we're doing great. Until...
I was coming home from school on the bus, the street light was out and I was wearing all jet black (plain black hoodie with black dickies) when a pickup truck hit me at 30 miles per hour. Katie was the second one to visit me in the hospital after my dad, she even stayed there for the remainder of the time I was there. It's fucked up to admit and embarrassing, but she did shit like wipe my ass for me because I was too fucked up to do it myself. Why am I telling you this? Well, what kind of girl would do that for another man? Not unless she loved him more than anything in the world. Anyways, it hit me going 30 miles an hour, and my body was too weak to walk for about a week and a half. I had my arm popped out of the socket, two skull fractures, and a brain hemorrhage which, too my luck, dried up before they opened my skull up to let my brain expand after being bruised (which has a big chance of turning that person into someone whom is mentally retarded). Anyways, the point of this is, they gave me a shitload of morphine in the hospital, and eventually gave me prescription pain killers to take home. I knew Katie would never approve of me taking opiate pain killers (Oxycodone/Percocet), so I hid them. Eventually however, over the next few months I got addicted. I needed to take them daily to prevent withdrawal symptoms.
So, I hid that from her also. Did fine for a few months, until she found the bottle of pills in my room. She knew exactly was they were. This girl was extremely intelligent. Much smarter than me, and I was on the fucking honor roll top 10% at school. We both took an IQ test, in which I ended up getting a score of 108, and Katie scored a fucking 122 (which in case you guys don't know, qualifies as superior intelligence [120-140 is superior intelligence]). Fuck she was smart. Anyway's, she approached me with the bottle in hand, and tell's me that if I really love her I won't lie to her, and asks me what they were (though she knew). I'm stuck here. There's no way out of it for me. So I tell her exactly what they are. And then I tell her about my addiction. I then proceed to apologize for lying to her, I put my head into her lap as she ran her fingers through my hair and told me, "It's ok, we're in this together".
So I try to get off of them. But fuck I couldn't do it. The withdrawals were just too much man. The pain, sweating, hot/cold flashes, throwing up and diarrhea, migraines, etc. So after the first two months of trying to get off, I give up (it takes 72 hours of cold-turkey withdrawal to get it out of your system). I decide I will just take them in secret until I CAN get off. Again, I do pretty good at hiding it for a few months. And, again, she finds them. Not only does she find them, but she finds that I'm on the exact same miligram of percocet I was when she first found them. Again she approaches me. Not angry, but disappointed. So, she confronts me, and after the talk, she say's "Why? Why didn't you try to get off? Why did you lie?" So I try to explain how I did try to get off, and that I couldn't do it. And she tells me that maybe she just didn't put enough effort into me, which of course makes me feel like shit. It wasn't her fault, it was that I just didn't have the willpower to do it. She asks me again, "Why?" and keeps pressing me. Eventually I get defensive, and snatch the pill bottle out of her hand, and tell her shit like it's my business and she should support me anyways. She's figured it out. I was already in this shit way too deep.
So, she cries. Right in front of me. And then she proceeds to tell me that she will love me anyways, but she can't watch me "destroy myself". At first I scoffed at this. But what I didn't expect, was for her to tell me she loves me and then just up and leave. I didn't follow her, figured she just needed time to think. What I didn't expect was not being able to find her, and her moving back to the ranch with her mom after that. And only two and a half months away from the wedding too. Of course I didn't give you guys the full story to save face (from possible embarrassment of both her and myself), but needless to say she was crying pretty hard when she left.
So yeah I was pretty fucked up about that for a long time. Now I drink AND take methadone. What a wonderful combination, right? Anyways, I eventually come to a realization that, she's better off without me. PEople tried to tell me to look for her, to go find her. But I realized that she would never be able to have a full life with me in it. Of course I know she'd take me back if I found her and apologized. But I would just end up holding her back in life, forcing her to take care of me. So yeah, I figured out that she's better off without me. She probably wouldn't see it that way, but that's just because she was so deeply into me. I mean the girl left an entire city because she couldn't watch me drag myself down into a pit. What does that say? I may be more lonely than ever, but at least I know she can have a REAL life without me.
But yeah, that's my story. I actually did find the person who was perfect for me. Lost her.
In the word's of a patriot;
I often fear that the sins of my past will come back to haunt me. But the consequences are more than I can bear
EDIT:
These two songs give me such huge nostalgia and never fail to remind me what kind of person I am, WHO I am, so much that it makes me feel like shit;
). The other woman I had nothing in common with, but she was gorgeous. In fact she first contacted me through the site chat and immediately asked to go to another chat program so we could use webcams. After a few days of eager chatting I found she had nothing interesting to say on any subject yet was somehow extremely interested in me for no apparent reason. Then I found out that while her profile listed her as in the USA she said she was over-seas at the moment. While I don't much mind that her profile wasn't true (she wanted to get to know someone before moving back to the USA) I was under the impression she might need money to return and I got suspicious in a way that seemed to fit the situation too well.
