Relationship Hilarity by none other than The Vault Dweller!

Kotario said:
I think you underestimate how jaded exposure to the internet can make people.
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Thats true though mabye not for me. My heart froze for a few seconds and I had to literally think before my heart restarted. I suppose its, because I often dont visit the sites that make people tolerant.

Kotario said:
As for InuYasha, I believe it is mainly because the series is rather mediocre.
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Unfortunately yes.

Kotario said:
The fanbase is limited mainly to girls who think InuYasha is cute.
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Uh...yeah... :look:

Sincerely,
The Vault Dweller
 
ZOMG DID YOU KNOW I'M A NERDZORS!!!!!1111ONE?

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So as you may know I worked at Wal-mart for exactly one year leaving the place in Septermeber after starting the last year in September. I went from working as a cart-pusher there to being a cashier at a local grocer story . Quite a change of work and also environment. I did this since the grocery store was half the drive to Wal-mart and thus would save lots of money on gas and about an hours driving time each day.

I did consider the change from working outside doing relatively tiring physical labor to being indoors doing small takss really wasnt a worry. I however would miss being alone while I worked where no one would see me if I screwed up and this left the pressure off. However working with a lot of other people I figured could be interesting if the people werent mean and acted nice. Ultimately things turned out...a little too interesting...

Being unskilled labor and being near the high school meant about 3/4's of the workers were about my age. Also for whatever reason most of the cashiers were women. That means about half the staff I interacted with were potential interests.

Within a few months things became very odd. Around six different women started acting strangely around me. Ya know how its simply polite to say hi and smile the first time you see someone for the day? Well they wouldnt just do it when they first saw me on any one day, but at any given time I see them during that day. I was often being greeted like four times by the same person during the course of the day. Even I realised that they were trying to get me to notice them or perhaps elicit conversation. Before I could think of anything to say though...

They became more blatantly obvious. One girl kept offering to cut my hair since she said she was in training in cosmology...she just said I needed to come to her house. Another girl saw me standing and waiting and told me to hold still while she said "I have to pull a loose thread that fell on your pants" as she literally grabbed my ass and squeezed like she was trying to pop a grapefruit. I tightened my cheeks in surprise and she removed her hand saying "There all done...by the way you have a nice ass." I just stood there not knowing how to feel. At another time two of the women approached from behind me and got into a conversation that I could hear too easily...

-N: "So what do you think of (insert The Vault Dweller's real name here) ?"
-J: "Oh he's definately a looker."

Later that day...

-The Vault Dweller: "Hey Malkavian whats a looker?"
-Malkavian: "Use it in a sentence."
-The Vault Dweller: "Oh he's a looker definately."
-Malkavian: "That means they think the person is hot."

I was astounded. Not that women were hitting on me, but that I actually figured it out. I had no idea what to do though. I was, and still am, too low on money with college to afford to go on dates even if I stopped spending all the money I do on non-necessary things. I also would have lots of trouble finding the time. For better or worse this all became irrelevant one day...

I was talking to one of the female cashiers (the one that offered me a haircut) when a customer was in line that was buying a small monthly science fiction magazine with multiple short stories. I had no idea my store sold them and immediately became excited that I could buy one and very surprised that I didnt know about it myself. Then I realised maybe I should talk to this guy. The customer himself was in his 30's tall, fat, and bearing glasses. I spoke to him for about 5 minutes on various things, but mainly the magazine which he said he'd been reading for years and has consistently been entertained by. When he left I turned to the girl at the cash register who had watched the whole thing...

Her look was a fervent combination of wonder and disgust. It was like I was a totally different person to her once she realised I liked something that was taboo. Well by the end of that week the strange attraction to me seemed gone since none of the women did anything particular to me after that. Gossip travels fast I guess...
-

Perhaps I was just a bit hasty and loud in my joy? Maybe I should have kept quiet about my habits. Well if their that opinionated about it I think I'm better off...

...but still. Going as far as to grab my ass?

Wonders Never Cease,
The Vault Dweller
 
The girls probably thought you were gay, TVD. No man chats with a random guy for five minutes unless he is a) gay or b) a nerd. Since your co-workers probably don't know much about nerds, they naturally assumed the former.
 
I'd have to agree with Ratty on this one, TVD. They were testing to see if you were really gay and when you started talking to a random guy (nerd talk can be confused with seductive chit-chat by the womenfolk) they had their doubts confirmed.

My advice to you is to choose the cutest one amongst them and grab her ass/ ask her out...
 
Dude, how rare it is that women come on to the men. (I've only had it happen once, though then again I am only 19.)

You gots to tap that ass, man.
 
What'd you expect? Supermarkets are supposed to be meat markets. Your coworkers are probably looking for validation or sth since you are most likely the only one who looks at them in the eye when they talk rather than around the solar plexus. Still, keep your eyes open, have hopes rather than expectations, have patience and things may work out for you and your little friend.
 
Ozrat said:
What'd you expect? Supermarkets are supposed to be meat markets. Your coworkers are probably looking for validation or sth since you are most likely the only one who looks at them in the eye when they talk rather than around the solar plexus. Still, keep your eyes open, have hopes rather than expectations, have patience and things may work out for you and your little friend.
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Thats a strange thing to say, but I think I know what you mean. Basically all these women get their boobs stared at, but I dont do it so they respect me. Who is this "little friend" though? I have no friends at work...

Sincerely,
The Vault Dweller
 
Your tentacle. Duh.

Anyway -- yeah, they probably thought you were hitting on him.

Girls don't seem to grasp the concept of nerd talk, so enthusiastic "small talk" with a complete stranger will probably be considered flirting.

Just gag and tie one of them and rape her in your basement, then bring random body parts back to work.

That should show them.
 
The_Vault_Dweller said:
...Also for whatever reason most of the cashiers were women. That means about half the staff I interacted with were potential interests.

Wonders Never Cease,
The Vault Dweller
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As you found out...they were not POTENTIAL interests...they were the real thing. I still think you should take up on that haircut ( as for me cutting is a drag, that means hours of self-maintence and wool everywhere). Shave your head and tell her you want a haircut, is tonight ok?

That should settle all the small talk :wiggle:

Ps. This is the way legends are made.
fcuk1077.jpg

________
How To Roll A Blunt
 
The_Vault_Dweller said:
-The Vault Dweller: "Hey Malkavian whats a looker?"
-Malkavian: "Use it in a sentence."
-The Vault Dweller: "Oh he's a looker definately."
-Malkavian: "That means they think the person is hot."
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You should know better than asking anything to a Malkavian, they are insane. Ask a Toreador next time.
As for the sudden lack of interest, they probably are scared to interact with a guy that does actually READ ! :shock:
 
Lonely Vazdru said:
You should know better than asking anything to a Malkavian, they are insane. Ask a Toreador next time.
As for the sudden lack of interest, they probably are scared to interact with a guy that does actually READ ! :shock:
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:lol:

I have to tell that to Malkavian who is an actual member of this board. He'll laugh.

True about the reading though.

Sincerely,
The Vault Dweller
 
The_Vault_Dweller said:
True about the reading though.
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It's true, most unskilled, ill-educated workers find literacy both frightening and confusing.

I am still confused as to why you had to ask the meaning of the word "looker", seems fairly self evident to me. Unless you were A) Trying to brag circumspectly or B) Trying to establish a narrative.
 
The_Vault_Dweller said:
Thats a strange thing to say, but I think I know what you mean. Basically all these women get their boobs stared at, but I dont do it so they respect me.
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Exactly, you sly devil you. That's what makes you special and elusive in their eyes. Just don't blow it.
 
I'm back and better than ever!

That's right it's been way too long since my last story. That has to due with the fact that all my past stories were things I accumulated over time where this new one like the last few had only just occurred. I assure you that this story however is of much higher quality. It involves older women and not ones my age. Also I'm excited to post this not only for all the people who have been here since I've arrived, but also all the new members many of whom have made themselves as much a part of this forum as myself.

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Years ago before I got employed at your local grocery store I was sending resumes to ads in the newspaper for jobs. Months went by and almost none of them returned a call to place interest or they turned out to be some sort of moneymaking scam. Right before I decided I should just get a job that I know I'll get regardless of pay or any benefits (grocer) I surprisingly received a phone call. It was from a woman who said I was the first to respond to her newspaper ad for "clerical work" when I had called the number in the ad and left a message. This got me very excited not only since it would be my first job, but also I figured that one of the many "clerical" job ads would be best for me since I often role-play a cleric in D&D. She said that some details needed to be worked out and that I should meet her in person at a local restaurant.

As odd as I felt about meeting someone at a restaurant for a job I realised it could do no harm so I showed up. I was very surprised to find the woman wanting to meet was a very beautiful middle-aged woman clad in professional business attire. We spoke for quite a while. It turned out she worked for CBS for the old and very well-received show "60 Minutes" which runs weekly and showcases various human interest stories. She said she worked as the Graphic Arts Director or something like that determining what sort of sets should accompany which stories. She had a problem though. With her having to commute to NY daily while also taking care of three kids with her husband working as the owner of a glass installation business she had no free time. Over the years with her and her husband working and both bringing in lots of cash they decided to start investing. They bought lots of stock in lots of areas and made even more money. So much that they would often spend any significant free time taking trips to anywhere they wanted. With all her time being used to either work hard or play hard the house became kind of a mess...especially with matters pertaining to paperwork. She would fill out whatever forms and send out whatever papers needed to and then to avoid wasting time she would throw all of the receipts, notices, etc. in a box. When a box would fill she would put it in an empty room in the house. This went on for years and now she has a whole room that can't be used due to being filled with boxes. What she needed me for was to work as a sorter of sorts by filing away all the papers I find in a methodical manner. She hoped eventually that the room could be empty and used again as well also that all the clutter she felt was a stain on her work ethic.

She made me nervous. She kept looking at me half-apprehensively and half-happily. I understand the apprehension as anyone would meeting someone they don't know. When I asked her why she picked me though she said "You were the first to call...and when I heard your voice I had to get you here.".

When I got to her home I was impressed. It was large and beautifully decorated. Then I went downstairs. There were two rooms. One room was mostly empty except for some old furniture and a desk and the other was the "forgotten" room. In there 90% of the floor space had boxes and most boxes were stacked almost up to the ceiling.

I got to work. It wasn't very stimulating work, but it was very easy and the environment was great. Most days I was by myself with the husband at work and the kids attending some activity. She would stay upstairs the entire time doing some PC work. I often had a CD player I found in the room playing with various CD's I had also found in the room. I went through countless kinds of paperwork from bills, to receipts, bank statements, and birthday cards.

I worked for each weekend for multiple months. As time went on she took more and more visits downstairs starting to offer me meals and just wanting to talk. Then one weekend she stopped returning my calls for work. I can safely assume I wasn't doing something she wanted other than the filing since I had only rid the room of half the clutter.

-
That was years ago though...this one is more recent.
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In my last semester at university there was a woman who was in two of my classes. She was middle-aged and divorced living just a few blocks away from the university in a large apartment. She worked at a local ranch giving riding lessons and taking care of the horses. In spite of her age she appeared to be in excellent shape. I could hardly see any fat and her whole body was tone muscle. In casual conversations I expressed admiration at her work with animals. Big mistake.

So over the weeks she keeps getting uncomfortably close to me in conversation eventually learning by accident (I don't know how you refuse to answer a question) that I know how and do cook for myself, clean my own home, and don't have any significant other.

I was already apprehensive about her eventually offering me "riding lessons" which with all my experience has taught me would probably not mean riding a horse. Then one day after one of the classes when everyone had left the room except me and her...

-Karen: "So maybe I wouldn't be so lonely if someone would accompany me on my way home. Maybe even spend the night."
-Me: "..."
-Karen: "(winks)"
-Me: "(looks away)"

Then I did it. What I had always meant to do. What I had been born to do...

I walked away. Turned to the side walked briskly out the door and ran for it. Didn't even look back.

To this day she says greets me when I walk by. Thankfully nothing more.
-

Let's hope the next woman doesn't try to kill me for turning her down.

Sincerely,
The Vault Dweller
 
The Vault Dweller said:
I figured that one of the many "clerical" job ads would be best for me since I often role-play a cleric in D&D.
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:rofl:

The basement filing job thing would actually be a great setup for a novel. Pity it didn't really have an ending. At one point I thought you were going to start lying and have it end in an orgy of violence.
 
Per said:
The Vault Dweller said:
I figured that one of the many "clerical" job ads would be best for me since I often role-play a cleric in D&D.
Click to expand...

:rofl:

The basement filing job thing would actually be a great setup for a novel. Pity it didn't really have an ending. At one point I thought you were going to start lying and have it end in an orgy of violence.
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Funny you mention that. I really figured she would start becoming more "physical" in her approaches and that I would have had to end it that way.

Sincerely,
The Vault Dweller
 
:rofl:

This reminds me of this thread! Ah, the memories. =')

Story No. 1 is the best since it lacks a punchline. You did some work for a rich and talkative woman, and then she stopped calling you back. That's gold, mang. Totally enough to have me really imagine the warm and fuzzy feeling of love you must have gotten from that 'relationship'. Until I read the second story, that is.

About the second story.. Are you sure you're not gay? I mean, seriously. When you masturbate - eh... you do masturbate, don't you? - what do you look at or think about? Have you ever been in love? I mean, what goes on in your mind? I really want to know. You're either gay, and/or need help, and/or Michael Jackson which means both. Whatever you're doing - Keep it up! :clap:
 
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